Happy Red Poppies: Life...or something like it

The glasses for the myopics

2011-12-30T19:10:00.000+08:00

the first time i discovered that i was myopic, i was in denial. it was 2008, and my friend Anne jokingly suggested that i was myopic when i had to hold the phone at a longer distance to read a text message. months after that i found small printed letters becoming blurry.

in 2010 when i went to change my long sighted glasses, i told the optician that my eyesight should be checked for myopia. his answer? "you're not yet 40, you're still okay". but this year, the myopia started to become a constant irritation. the distance at which i hold the printed text is getting longer and longer. a few months ago, i went to the same shop to have my eyes tested. the optician obliged. he inserted several lenses into the frame and asked me to read the projected letters on the wall, as the standard procedure requires. this time he exclaimed "Haiyaaa, you sudah ada penyakit tua laa" yeah right, thank you for saying that out loud. despite my wish to use a multifocal, the optician told me to wait for 2012 when my eyesight should worsen and the power increases.

this afternoon, i decided to pay the shop another visit, as i knew that if i didnt have multifocal glasses, my reading would be hampered. that, and also because i discovered that because of my constant use of phone to log on to facebook, i've been having migraine for the past 3 days. so the guy told me that i didn't have to change the frame. haaah?? you've got to be kidding. ask anybody who wears glasses and he will tell you that when you increase your lens power that means you change your frame. most of the time, that is. but not this shop. the other guy did the eyesight test again on me and before he did, he said

" there is a cheaper alternative, there is this lens that relaxes your eyes. it's cheaper than multifocal but it can last until you're 40"

i wondered how the business is doing, because the opticians are clearly more interested in the well-being of my purse than the well-being of their tauke's wallet. so i voiced out my opinion

"people do business to make profit and here you are asking me to get a cheaper alternative".

sheepishly, the guy said "the tauke is more interested in the welfare". well, that's a first...and yup, i have the multifocal glasses made for me. no reason to be in denial anymore. burned a hole in my pocket too.

From My New House

2011-10-28T09:26:00.002+08:00

assalamualaikum, greetings from my new house! am logging in from my studyroom/guestroom, with all the books still tucked in the boxes and plastic bags strewn everywhere. yes, it's chaos in this room.

i haven't really unpacked my clothes, but i love my room - because it's all pink except for the furniture. like my friend daliey says, it's a "pink overload". i love my living and dining room too, it's what i've always visualised an English country decor to be. well, may be some wood panels and landscape paintings would do, but then it's a small house and i can't fit everything in. even then my contractor and the movers were shaking their heads when they saw the many boxes and the furniture. what can i say, i'm a hoarder. i can't imagine myself being a minimalist.

tomo and pixie were so shocked to be at a new place that the fat tomo actually flattened himself and crawled under the cage (and i thought it's impossible for a cat his size to do so). they were sniffing around on the first day, and last night while i was watching Princess' Man they were doing their routine of chasing each other. still, i can't get them to eat but that's normal for cats. as soon as they acclimatise and adapt themselves to a new place they'll be okay.

it was raining in the afternoon when i moved so the floor was cold. and my bare feet couldn't tolerate the coldness and i knew that i've to wear slippers at all times in the house. before this 3 people told me that there is no need for me to install the air conditioning unit. and now i believe them.

it's still a bit strange to be in my own house as i was used to the house in ampang, but this is my house now, and insyaallah i'll have a good life here.

Last Day in Ampang

2011-10-25T12:49:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling very tired now. i'm listening to Bruno Mars' sappy It Will Rain and it augments my tiredness (i love the song, though, and it's an apt choice for Breaking Dawn OST). since after subuh i've been packing and transferring stuff - my Kitchen Aid, my books, and all the spices and herbs.

the newly mopped floors are no more clean as the workers have been working here and there so i guess tomorrow i've to mop it again. the contractors' sons helped me in hanging the paintings. it has to be done today or else the neighbours will complain tomorrow if they hear any drilling sound. i've to be at the house again at 2pm to monitor the astro technician installing the satellite dish and to wait for my new wing chair.

i've never liked moving actually. i'm a person who's used to routines, unlike what Salman Rushdie proposes and encourages in his books - "to be uprooted". i've grown comfortable here, with convenience just a few steps away despite the notorious traffic jam. but change is necessary, and insyaallah i'll be happy at the new place.

Countdown to Moving Day

2011-10-22T09:06:00.001+08:00

September and October has been 2 busy months for me. i had to be the chief invigilator for PMR and on top of that i've to attend my nephew's and niece's weddings. and i'm also busy with the new house.

at last, even before the final cheque was released, the previous owner decided to give me the house keys and immediately i called the people - the contractor, the curtain maker, the insect screen installer (there are a lot of mosquitoes around, and also it serves as a barrier for Miss Pixie Lompat and Mr Tomo Debab from venturing out). when i showed the contractor what's to be done, words couldn't express my excitement as i conjured up the image of my finished townhouse. i excitedly told him that i wanted the kitchen wall to be painted in saffron yellow and the kitchen cabinet in olive green as i want it to be a Tuscan kitchen. well, my hope was dashed as the contractor told me that because of the kitchen cabinet was solid wood and sealer was used to seal the original wood colour, the paint wouldn't last long. oh well, i decided to retain the kitchen cabinet colour.

then i totally went crazy when i went to the lighting shop. months back, i bought a chandelier for the dining room. this time i saw a wall light that really says me. i had to have it even though i know it doesn't serve any practical purpose in my bedroom. then i saw another wall light which reminds me of Lord of the Rings - it looks elfish to me. i got to have it. the contractor had a case of pening.but in the end the elf wall light stands perched outside my doorstep and i just love it.

there's nothing white in my house except for the plaster ceiling. all the walls have been painted yellow, green and pink (duh!) so it's a reminiscent of children's crayons. my theme will generally be English country, but mine will not be the typical malaysianised Vantage style.

apart from being busy with invigilating and attending my anak sedara's receptions, i've been transferring stuff to the new house - mostly because i've too many things (i'm a hoarder from a family of hoarders) so i've been transferring my fictions, my dinnerware sets, my pots and pans and my huge collection of cake pans. so if you ask me, i'm nervous that i can't get them all transferred in time.

today the cleaner will come to clean the house. the insect screen will be installed and hopefully the contractor will have completed the tabletop that i want in the bathroom.

i'm so excited!

A Busy and Fruitful September and October

2011-09-24T08:51:00.000+08:00

happy eid mubarrak everyone! i haven't blogged in here for awhile. been busy with food (as usual) and school. i've been transferred to the morning session now, to replace a teacher who's now on maternity leave. it's a lot more different in the morning session than in the afternoon session, because the students are not afraid of you anymore and don't even hesitate to do "mischiefs".

well anyway, September and October is a very busy time for me. for one thing, my nephew Zhaffri and and niece Janna will be getting married (not to each other). so that means i'll be busy on 2 or 3 separate weekends. then, there is the Lembaga thingy which teachers are well aware of, so i'm busy running here and there attending briefings and doing stuff. and today, well, today aside from attending some open houses, i'll be receiving my condo keys! yay! buying a house isn't the same as inheriting a house (okay, duh!), so when you finally get the keys you can't help but feel that pride and satisfaction and then you smile, because you'll be paying for the house for at least a quarter of a century. after months of dealing with lawyers and the bank, you can stand back, look at the rooms and finally say "my very own sanctuary". yep, my house in the city.

i'll be seeing the contractor and the curtain maker tomorrow, and hopefully if everything works out okay, insyaallah i'll be moving to the new house in the third week of October, when all the hullabaloos will have died down. i'll be posting the pics to the new house if i have the chance.

Waiting for Eidul Fitri

2011-08-28T18:00:00.000+08:00

when i was little, eidul fitri meant abundant food (usually nasi dagang), fireworks and duit raya. oh, and of course, new baju raya and shoes to show off. eidul fitri is a time of joy for everyone, and i knew for one my late mother had this content and happy smile when she saw all her children and grandchildren coming back for raya. there would be queues to the bathroom, foods bought at pasar ramadhan would fill the dining table and everybody would sit to "chup" their eating place at any space available in the house.

now that i'm almost reaching 40, my perspective in life has changed, and because of this, eidul fitri also has a different meaning for me. in the past it was all about childish glee over meeting family members and eating wonderful food, but now eidul fitri doesn't mean that much to me.

no, i'm not depressed. i'm not disillusioned.

to me, there's a shift in order of importance in life. in my opinion, the one that we should celebrate and look forward to isn't the celebration of eidul fitri (although it is a day of celebration for our triumph against nafs) but instead we should celebrate ramadhan. in my previous blog entry i wrote that ramadhan is about repentance and the chance to increase our ibadahs. i feel at peace and tranquil. because of this, to me, ramadhan is beautiful. actually i feel sad that ramadhan is ending.

it does not mean that i don't want to celebrate eidul fitri. i do have new baju raya and new shoes, and i can't wait till i meet with my family members again. it's okay to celebrate eidul fitri, but celebrate it sensibly and not to overdo it.

Be Thankful of What You Have

2011-08-25T23:26:00.000+08:00

that was what my brother Abang Halim used to tell me when i needed his help in the past. back then, being the youngest, i was self-centred and oblivious to other people's suffering.

in this month of Ramadhan, the Panel of Islamic Studies in my school has launched a Ramadhan donation fund for the unfortunate students. teachers are welcome to contribute their zakat or fidyah to the fund. and some teachers, on their own effort, chipped in to buy groceries to some deserving unfortunate students. i wasn't informed of this until i saw the groceries all in boxes, and when i heard this story i was moved so deeply that i felt i had missed an opportunity to do some good.

when i taught in Sultan Sulaiman, i didn't see all this scenario. my former students were all children of Tengkus, Datuks, business tycoons and who's who in Terengganu. because of that activities could be done more extravagantly and even my LCDS members were willing to fork out RM250 to pay for their summer camp at an island.

some of my Padang Tembak students are children of policemen or army officers, but most of the students live in PPR or only have single parents to look after them. and so, the plight of my students in Padang Tembak taught me humility and the importance of charity and paying zakat.

Fasting does not only teach us to discipline ourselves and guard our nafs, it also teaches us compassion and syukur which lead to stronger ukhuwah among muslims.

The Joys of Ramadhan

2011-08-21T19:11:00.002+08:00

Most people will associate Ramadhan with Ramadhan bazaars that suddenly crop up like mushrooms during this 1 month. most will think of their favourite foods. most shopping complexes begin selling kuih raya before Ramadhan. most hotels proudly advertise their Ramadhan buffet offers. raya songs are played everywhere. most people are busy buying raya clothes and raya furniture. but most people forget that this month is a month of ibadah and place it second to all the things (food, mostly) they like about Ramadhan.

Ramadhan is about ibadah and that's it. it is to show our devotion to Allah, to remind us that we're not invincible and that we've a lot to thank for. what is there not to thank? we have a roof to shelter us, we have food to fill our tummy, we still have air to breathe, we have freedom and we still have time to reflect, repent and become better muslims and muslimahs by performing ibadahs.some may find praying sunnah prayers tedious, but those who have experienced sakinah or tranquility will gladly do them for the chance of acquiring that inner peace and contentment.

last year i wanted to do everything properly, as i was preparing myself to go for hajj. after the life changing experience, i began to see life in a different way, as if in a different hue, or to be hyped about it, you can say i see things in HD. i began to learn more about Islam as i know there are so many things that i don't know. so i enrolled in Fiqh Ibadah class with my friend Zana. the class was an eye opener. i learned the proper way to perform solat, fast and pay zakat. and i thank Allah for giving me hidayah, as He gives hidayah to whoever he chooses. i began to appreciate the ilm that is given, and the more i feel calm and tranquil.

it is through Ramadhan that we learn humility. we understand the unfortunates' hunger and learn to be compassionate about other people. hence, the giving of zakat (not only zakat fitrah, but also zakat on gold and salary, which is wajib) and sadaqah. through tadarus and jemaah terawih prayers we instil brotherhood and sisterhood of Islam, and through tazkirah and any form of teachings of Islam we receive ilm (which is compulsory).

if you ask me now, i don't feel the excitement for raya. i'm only thinking of Ramadhan, and i will miss it when takbir raya is recited.

Fasting Month

2011-08-18T10:04:00.001+08:00

Despite my "fasting practice" during Syaaban last month, i was almost like a train wreck on the first day of Ramadhan. the naughty students joined me and couldn't even shout or do their usual mischief (which would make me scream afterwards) and were lying on the cool floor of English Resource Centre instead. the heat was almost unbearable. i had to tell myself to be patient and thought that it's even hotter in Makkah now.

that, coupled with a few other tasks that the teachers had to complete this month, was really a test.

i still haven't moved into the new house, because the bank is really slow in processing documents and now i'm afraid that i've to pay the late charges to the house seller. truth be told, i already lost the excitement in moving into the new house, after the endless calls to the bank and the lawyer. why can't property purchases be simpler? i'll probably get the key next month. i hope the excitement will revive itself then.

for this fasting month, i only went once to pasar Ramadhan and even that was on a weekend, as the traffic congestion is really bad in Ampang on weekdays. i had a craving for karipap but didn't want to go through the tedious task of rolling and cutting the dough and the other tasks that entail it so i thought, well, may be i could just buy some. i remember buying a roti john (without the overly sweet chilli sauce and the too-much-mayo), karipap and some cara manis (even though making it is simpler). the only thing that was satisfactory was the kuih cara. the karipap tasted of overpowering curry powder and the roti john was a bit burned. after that i vowed never to buy at Param again, cooking my own instead, with some occasional trips to the golden arches.

in terms of ibadah, alhamdulillah, i perform terawih at home. my pengajian islam amali ustaz has told us lots of times that we should follow the Prophet's sunnah, so i perform only 8 rakaat, as the 20 rakaat was done by the sahabahs.

i remember what Ustaz Hj Ahmad Rosli (the Rayhar ustaz) told us when we were about to return from hajj last year. he said that once we go back, the challenges are even greater in trying to retain the mabrur. this is also true of Ramadhan. yes, terawih is done only in Ramadhan but the other ibadahs should also be done continuously even after Ramadhan - qiyamulail, tilawah, paying zakat and zikir, as they are not exclusive ibadahs for Ramadhan.

let's hope that we have a good Ramadhan as what it should be - filled with ibadahs and repentance.

Furniture Hunting

2011-05-02T18:10:00.000+08:00

now that the legal process of getting the condo is on the way, i'm now on the hunt for furniture. no, i don't buy the run-off-the-mill and cookie cutter furniture, on the contrary, i like my furniture to be of character with an interesting story behind it. and why, do you ask, do i bother to do all this? because i intend to decorate my house in english country style and my kitchen, in tuscan style. now, before you say anything about english country furniture being ubiquitously sold everywhere in Malaysia, let me point out that most of the white or green furniture with country roses on them adopt the shabby chic concept, and not strictly an english country concept.

so anyway, what i did was, i hunt for second hand furniture. i don't mind buying second-hands, so long as they are durable and serve their purpose. this means that i've to find real wooden furniture - made of teak and rosewood. i've been lucky so far, as i purchased some reasonably priced but lovely items. hopefully my lucky streak will continue even after i've moved into the new house.

The Cats n The Scam

2011-03-17T10:11:00.003+08:00

life with Tomo around is a routine now. Tomo is a dear, and i find that it's not difficult to take care of a cat. and because of that i've this yearning to find a persian, because i love a persian's short and stumpy legs. persian cats are walking carpets just waiting for you to cuddle them.

and so like a madwoman bent on her sole purpose, i scoured the net trying to purchase a persian kitten online. obviously, the price is steep. then suddenly an ad caught my eye. this person, so-called Wayne Wright, wanted to sell his persian kittens for only rm200 each. that's really really cheap! even a kampung cat can cost more.so i contacted him through email, and he responded warmly. i thought that he's a mat salleh, and he told me of the sad story of how his daughter who loved the kittens had passed away and he wanted to let go of the kittens. okay, emotional appeal established. then he said he's living in Singapore and will use a home delivery. i contacted a daughter of my friend who is also interested in cats so she also contacted him. i began to smell a rat after praying a few days ago. i realised that the pics that he sent me are taken in a studio and none in real environment. i asked him several times about the food given (as all true cat enthusiasts would do) and i even told him what i feed Tomo. when finally i asked him for the latest picture, he gave me another set of staged pics and seemed a little bit angry. and then to answer my question about the food he gave to the kittens, he repeated exactly what i had written about what i feed Tomo with. and that's when i knew that this is a scam. instantly i recalled some news in the paper regarding this - how unsuspecting women had to pay thousands and thousands to receive a certain item from overseas and i knew that was what this so-called Wayne Wright wanted to do. so i cancelled the order, to which he never replied afterwards and i called the police. the next morning, before i lodged a police report, i received several emails from an email add "globalpet80@yahoo.com" asking for fee to pay for the delivery of the phantom kittens. the content itself was a joke, because it was so amateurish and pathetic and i knew even i could do better than that. i guess it was his desperate attempt to make me believe the scam.

yes i know. some of you would think "how could you be so stupid?" but alhamdulillah, Allah was there to save me.

anyway, in the midst of all this hullaballoo, i went to see the vet because Tomo has this recurrent conjunctivitis. the vet advised me to keep Tomo indoors and not in a cage at the patio. i wanted to buy Tomo a hooded cat litter tray, so that there will be no unpleasant smell in the house. and since i wanted to visit As, i decided to bring Tomo along in his carrier and later stop at the pet shop where i put Pixie up for sale.at the pet shop, i saw Pixie. and i felt guilty. how could i have this yearning for a persian when i already have another kitten (never mind that she's DMH) and i left her at the shop? pixie was well, but thin and her limbs were weak as she spent all her time in the small cage. i told the man that i wanted Pixie back and he was more than happy to give her back to me.

at home, i saw there's a vast difference between the 2 kittens. Tomo is confident, healthy and well-fed. Pixie looked lost and wanted to sit most of the time. today's the third day she's back home and the 2 of them have been scampering around the house. Tomo seems to be smitten with her, and was gentleman enough to let her eat from his bowl.

yes, i still have this yearn for a persian, because it reminds me of Fluffy, but then i've 2 wonderful kittens in the house, and i want to shower them with my love and lots of food.

the adventurous trip to puchong

2011-03-15T10:13:00.001+08:00

2 months ago i bought a second-hand Kitchen Aid mixer. never mind that it's secondhand, it's Kitchen Aid! Chef Wan uses it. Nigella uses it, Chef Michael Smith uses it. Anna Olson uses it. when the big names in culinary arts use it, you've got to have it. hello, Kitchen Aid, bye-bye Kenwood.

it's a heavy duty mixer and white in colour. wish it's pink though, but since this is second-hand, i can't complain. i didn't use the mixer straight away after receiving it. but to my dismay i found out that the whisk couldn't rotate. i was sooo disappointed. i called the previous owner but he claimed that the mixer was in good condition when he gave it to me. i decided to visit the Kitchen Aid service centre and guess what? it's located in Puchong. a place i'm not familiar with.

yesterday i asked Mozie to be my guide. actually both of us had a rough idea where we're heading, but driving in KL is different especially on the highway. so off we went, and i was confused most of the time that my car nearly scratched the others. that's what i meant being adventurous. and we got lost twice, and was in an unfamiliar area. finally, we arrived at the place safely. and guess what? the hand-in of the mixer took me about 5 minutes. the drive itself was an adventure that i was disappointed that the hand-in was anti-climactic and quick. they told me they would call me and the repair would take around 2 days. 2 days?? i could feel throbbings in my head, a sign of migraine which lasted until i returned home.

Recollection of the Old Days

2011-03-05T15:17:00.000+08:00

i was driving to school this morning for the cross country race when i saw a crowd of people thronging the Mindef's field. i knew there was some sort of sports going on, but imagine my surprise when i saw rows of target butt ... and i was back to the UKM days once more. i saw many bows being rested on the tripods, and i saw archers walking with arrows sticking out from the quiver.

yes, i was once in the Archery Club. i couldn't remember what drove me to join the club, perhaps i saw my future teammates in action at the field. perhaps i saw this one girl bringing the Samick bow back to the kamsis every evening.

archery is fun. it's an elegant sports which requires patience and i felt at peace when i drew the bowstring and let go of the arrow. i love assembling the parts, which probably takes 15 minutes, i guess. back then hitting a few arrows on days when i was stressed with the assignments was a reliever. not to forget the interesting characters i got to know when i joined the team. we travelled to a few tournaments together, and i once remember at the malaysian open, the most wonderful sound was the sound of arrows swishing as archers walked back (after counting the hits and pulling the arrows out of the target butt) to the line.

so you can understand why i was excited to see people with quivers of arrow and the bows with stabilisers resting on tripods. i was a part of that scene once.

Being Considerate

2011-03-03T10:18:00.000+08:00

i think this is one of the most-talked about subject in the whole world.

what does being considerate mean? the dictionary.com defines it as "showing kindly awareness or regard for another's feelings, circumstances". it is not always that you find other people showing some consideration when doing things, and as for me, when i find it, i'm most pleasantly surprised and think that the person who shows it is a very civilised person.

take for example, when i brought Tomo for his first vaccination at a vet in Ampang. it was Saturday, so naturally, the clinic was packed with feline and canine lovers alike. since i'm a Muslim, i'm very apprehensive when i'm at close proximity with dogs, and will watch them carefully, hoping they won't suddenly spring on me (i once had a shock when the custom officers used a dog to sniff me out when i was at Dover Beach custom in 2007, going to Calais). when i was waiting for my turn, i saw 2 men with a huge Dalmatian. one entered the clinic and saw me, the only Muslim around. he exited the clinic and i saw him talking to his friend. his friend stayed outside with the dog while he came back in. only when i was about to go in did the friend enter with the big mutt and i felt very nervous. but he held him on a tight leash, and the poor mutt was struggling to find a comfortable position, all the while scratching the floor in order to get a firm grip.

even the staff at the clinic cleaned the examination table before i brought in Tomo.

i was touched by this show of consideration. Islam teaches us about tolerance, something that is easier said than done. having said that, it is not okay for us to demand consideration when we do not give it ourselves. think about the other people, and respect their life principles. do not adopt the "holier than thou" attitude, because this attitude will lead to hurt and anger. that is the reason why the learned Muslim scholars usually adopt a gentle disposition and will not utter any unpleasant words lest they will hurt the others' feelings.and that is consideration for you.

i also have a lot to learn about being considerate. not to say that since i'm writing this piece, i'm a considerate person. i aspire to be a considerate person, because we always strive to become better today than we were yesterday.

Signing the S&P, the Kitten and the On-going Quest 2 keep Fit

2011-02-26T18:52:00.002+08:00

last thursday i finally took the first important step in buying a house - i went to the lawyer's office to sign the S&P. signing a bunch of papers may not sound like a big deal to some people, but it was for me. a momentous occasion that marked another milestone in my life. i flipped through the contract and came to the last page where there was a list of furniture left by the owners. at least there are things that i don't have to pay people to do (and waste more money). i hope that everything will go well, insyaallah.

My mixed breed kitten of persian-birman is turning my life upside down. before Tomo, i had a quiet life. the house didn't smell of cats and there were times when i went straight shopping after work. now, the house smells of cats, i talk the feline lovers' talk (about food and stuff) and i come straight home after work, and before feeding myself, i make sure i feed him first! Tomo was fragile and sickly when i got him, but he is very loyal and affectionate (means he trots behind me, scampers around me, and makes sure that i stay in his field of vision). despite thinking about how to care for him when i move to the new house, my heart wrenches at the thought of selling him because i have this image in my mind - Tomo has this pitiful look that makes you want to cuddle him. at the time i'm writing this, Tomo is at my feet. despite the illnesses, Tomo is strong and today he received his first vaccination, so that made him a little subdued the past 2 hours.

and lastly, is my on-going quest to keep fit. i don't know if i want to put the term "to lose weight". i guess i prefer the term "to keep fit". after the 2 months of gym hiatus, i was eager to return to the gym. but i pushed myself (forgetting that despite the hill climbing and the walking i did in Makkah and Madinah i was still out of shape) so hard that i hurt my back the first week. that set me out of action for 2 weeks. during these 2 weeks i fed myself like nobody's business because the new school canteen operator makes its own sausage rolls, pau and currypuffs and the cook is a Siamese lady who cooks the best tomyam! and not to forget those delicious teh ais and air bandung made by Bob who usually sends the drinks only after i finish eating or when i find myself nearly choked. yes, i fed myself happily until i saw myself in the school toilet mirror. well, may be the mirror stretches the image sideways, so that we appear to be shorter and heavier. then, i sat at this one teacher's table. she keeps a small mirror. again, i found my face to be bigger than it should be. so i called this one slim teacher to see her image in the same mirror. guess what? her image is still the same! only then i realised that i was in denial and that i've gained weight. and so this week, i went to the gym 3 times, as i usually did in the past. i realised that i lost my stamina and was out of breath after 3 minutes of jogging at 6.6kmph. unheard of!

to stand up and start all over again is a slow, agonising process. but this is my own making and insyaallah i will triumph. though i do realise that i need to do some drastic changes if i want to lose weight again.

Goodbye, Prof Lim: A Tribute to Professor Lim Chee Seng

2011-02-09T11:13:00.001+08:00

my friend Iris, who was my M.A. coursemate, sent me a message via facebook that our dear professor had passed away. i was numb at first, then felt an ache, and finally i started crying.

it's strange that some people who are not related to us by blood can have such an overwhelming effect on us.

Prof Lim Chee Seng was the most celebrated Literature lecturer in UM when i registered for the first year of M.A. at the Fac of Arts and Social Science in June 2001. because of his Beatle hairdo, i secretly called his hair "rambut topi jerman". that was also the time when i met my M.A. friends Elison, Jaya Sree and K.Zainon. Iris and Nash joined a semester later. Prof Lim taught us Rennaissance Literature, and out of all my lecturers, i think my classmates enjoyed his class the most, simply because he was like a father to us, and didn't mind a bit if we loosen up (unlike the other lecturers' classes, where we had to be the examplary serious literature scholars that we were supposed to be). i remember on the first day of our class he played Rennaissance music, but we were busily passing papers around to write down our emails and handphone numbers. he didn't mind at all. in all of his classes when we discussed Milton, Herbert, Donne and of course, Shakespeare, we would be fascinated with Prof Lim's extensive knowledge, and would be struck with awe when he started reciting lines from Shakespeare or Donne.

i owe a lot to him because he was willing to write a letter to the Ministry to back me up when i had some technical problem regarding the scholarship. imagine, he painstakingly wrote the letter himself, in Bahasa Melayu.a great man who didn't feel it was beneath him to type and print the letter himself when he could have asked one of the clerks in the Eng Dept office to do it.

in my second year, Prof Lim went to Jaidapur U to become Visiting Professor, but when he returned, there were new courses for the junior M.A. students and i really envied them because they got to learn from Prof Lim. and because of the reason that Prof Lim was away, too,i never got him as my dissertation supervisor. back then i decided on post-colonial literature as my area of specialisation.

when i received my graded dissertation, i was pleasantly surprised to find out that Prof Lim was my internal examiner and i remember his words "i recommend that the dissertation of this candidate be passed and be awarded M.A."

2 years ago before he left UM, i remember asking him if he'd become my PhD supervisor should i return to my alma mater.

so, imagine my shock last night when i found out that this gentle, courteous and very much civilised literature scholar had passed on. iris told me that his house was crowded with people. even his facebook page was filled with words of commiseration from his former students, myself included.

so goodbye, my dear professor. and thank you for your knowledge and kindness.

The Trip Back to Terengganu

2011-02-03T22:16:00.000+08:00

i decided to return to Terengganu for the Chinese New Year hols to pay settle matters concerning the house in Terengganu. i went back with Sazi, and since i had company, i drove slower than i usually do when i'm alone. the roads were relatively calm and quiet, so my guess was the out-of-towners would only hit the road on the 2nd of Feb.

i had informed Pak Din, my ever so helpful neighbour, that i would be at home. the house greeted me with the unkept garden and weeds everywhere. i talked to Pak Din about my plan to rent it out since i'm going to buy a house here in KL. he asked me if i wanted to sell it. i know that many are interested in the house, but now i've started thinking like the late Abang Aziz who told me that there's a reason why Father left it to me. and since i'm going to buy a house and know how difficult it is to get even one house, i feel that i can't let the Terengganu house go so easily. i keep picturing Father paying for the house with his pension. because of that, i begin to appreciate it even more.

i brought Sazi to my usual ikan celup tepung spot, and the fried calamari was still as delicious as ever. that night, i couldn't sleep well and i began to think of my bed in Ampang and wondered why is it that i couldn't sleep in my own house. the next day, i had to wake Sazi early. there was no water in the house!! the water pipe must be clogged then. we decided to stay at the hotel.

i paid the quit rents at DBKT and at the Pejabat Tanah. though i must say that for the past few years (and even till now) the staff at Pejabat Tanah really try my patience with their very unprofessional remarks. after that we checked out a few hotels and finally i got to stay at my favourite place, Batu Burok Beach Resort. after checking in, i went to Sultan Sulaiman to meet with the old friends there. it's nice to be able to drive past the big school arch, and to park at the enormous car park, and to able to see my ex colleagues. none of the students recognised me, as the last batch of students i taught in SS sat for their SPM last year. i met Kak Fadilah, the Head of English Panel, who promptly asked "are you coming back here for good? do you want to come back to SS?" i wish it was so, as i love the school but the fact is, it won't solve the problem.

the next day, i cleared my room out. i threw the old stuff and found some that are worth keeping. i even threw my parents' clothes out, something that i wouldn't even dream of doing last year. i guess i've come to a realisation that i've to move on with my life and that includes making the matured and wise decision to rent the house out.

after the clearing out, we had lunch with my SS friends Ah Chooi, Shima and Zawiyah. these 3 people are the closest people to me in Terengganu, and i truly treasure their friendship.

on the day i was to return to KL i visited my parents' graves.as usual, tears just flowed down my cheeks as i prayed for their souls. i miss them terribly. but life must go on...

money, money, money

2011-01-24T21:35:00.000+08:00

now that i'm in the process of buying a house, i find myself literally scrutinising my payslip - the monthly income tax deduction, and all. i even had migraines after doing and redoing the budget, to fit in all the loans and payments to be made once i start paying the Government loan. it got so bad that i was even contemplating of switching from City to a Myvi. a big difference, huh?

oh yes, i sighed. and i lamented of how i'm going to miss all those lovely times when i spent money on unnecessary things. committing yourself to buying a property makes you think closely of where your money goes. i don't even know how i'm going to survive, since i'm buying a house at a later age, but then at least i should be thankful that i'm buying a house when i already have a nice comfortable car and some furniture. i should see the world as half full instead of half empty right?

but anyway, i'm excited as it is and hope that i can move in soon.

hunting for a house

2011-01-14T09:45:00.000+08:00

now that i'm back from haj, the next on my agenda is to buy a house. unfortunately though, as anyone can tell, it's not easy to find one. and when you're living in the city, finding a house on a budget is r-e-e-eally hard, especially when really nice houses can cost a bomb.

it's my dream to stay in a nice single storey terrace house in Taman Melawati, because i love the quiet and peaceful neighbourhood and it's a plus that Shidah and As are staying there.unfortunately though, i was told by an agent last week that a single storey terrace house in Taman Melawati can cost up to 400k and is a hotseller.

i went to view 2 houses in Bandar Seri Putra and Bukit Mahkota last Sunday. the first house was a 2 storey link house, and it's cheap considering that they had extended the house. but i didn't get that feeling of "this is the house". so i asked Abg Najib to drive to the 1 storey semi d area. there's a lovely house on sale, but the price is too steep, considering that the distance to KL is around 40km (one way). i abandoned the idea of buying a house there and decided to browse through PKNS new housing projects - which, i later found out, are located at all the ceruk ulu places like tanjung malim???? and the new Alam place at Shah Alam.

i received a call from Kak Dah on Tuesday who told me that it's cheaper to buy second hand houses from the developer. i told her that i decided not to buy property near her house as it's difficult for me to commute. so Kak Dah gave this as an advice "take it as an investment". i was thinking, if i want to buy a house, it's because i want to stay in it, not to invest in it! unfortunately though, i'm no money-maker and won't know how to invest.

i'll be viewing several houses this weekend and next week, and i hope i'll be able to buy a nice, comfortable house for myself.

the first week of school

2011-01-05T11:29:00.001+08:00

let's just say that when new year ushered in, i wasn't out celebrating. i did that in my 20s but then the only celebration i had was talking on the phone for hours i think. anyway, i was sleeping, and could hear the dum dum sounds of the fireworks. most of my friends of my age were also in bed.what does that tell you about people in their 30s?

well anyway, i only had a week of rest after returning from hajj before the official staff meeting. i didn't really suffer from jetlag, but now i can feel the aftermath of the 40 day stay - fatigue takes control of my body and i find it an ordeal to wake up early for tahajudd. going to the gym is out of the question.

most people will ask "what's your new year resolution?" thank god nobody asked me the question, because i think new year resolutions are overrated and so blase'. you don't have to wait until the new year to change, and besides, most people don't act on the resolutions that they made.

anyway, this year i didn't get to teach the best class in form 2 which is a shame, since i know i've the skills to help them to be better speakers, readers and writers. oh well...

there's a new canteen operator this year and the food is good, which is bad news for me (in controlling what i eat). we want to hold a potluck lunch, but we've to postpone it before some people make unsavoury comments. at this time i miss teaching in Sultan Sulaiman - where organising a potluck is an art. i like having potlucks because it's the most sincere and natural way to bond with colleagues. and also you get pahala for cooking the dishes and sharing it with other people.

The Spiritual Journey : The Return of the Hajjah

2010-12-21T10:48:00.002+08:00

before i write about the return, i think i should continue where i stopped in the last entry.

we were told that the Agong and the Permaisuri would be arriving in Madinah, and so after asar prayers we gathered at the hotel where the royal couple would be staying. they were expected to arrive at 5pm and we were worried that we would miss the maghrib prayers which was at 5.35p.m. we saw a few palace officials, and haji harun was also there in his purple rayhar jacket. the arab police tried to shoo us away but the officials explained to them the situation, and then the red carpet was laid out and we were told to line on either side of the carpet. i was one of those lining up inside the hotel.

then we were told that they would be a little late. they arrived at 5.20, with 4 police escort cars. i saw the Agong, but not too clearly since the policemen were protecting him. the womenfolk get to salam the ever smiling Permaisuri. we saw the Pemangku Raja and his sister too. then we dashed to the masjid, as azan would be heard soon.

i can't write about masjid nabawi without writing about the ever infamous female guards. unlike their much gentler counterparts in masjidil haram, the guards at masjid nabawi are younger, more aggressive, and louder. they speak indonesian too, so they could be heard shouting "ibu-ibu, maju! maju!" or "ibu-ibu, dhudhuk! dhudhuk!"(the arabs can't pronounce 'd'correctly). they are the ones who search through all our things in the bags for any banned items like handphones or packed food (other then dates or fruits) or items that you just bought prior going to the masjid. they sometimes do body search too. inside the masjid, they are the ones who direct the womenfolk where to go. and more often than not, when the masjid is silent as we have started praying, we could still hear their shouts to the latecomers. it's been a joke for all the indonesians and the malaysians to mimic the guards.

on Thursday, 10th Muharram, i fasted. this was the day when Nabi Nuh was saved from the big flood, hence the creation of bubur Asyura' which was a Malay version of 'ashara'which means ten. KT96 went on a walking tour. as always, there was a Rayhar staff holding the Rayhar flag, and as Ustaz Rosli and Haji Harun had gone back, Ustaz Hadi was there with us a hailer and started to selawat to Rasulullah. of course, the rest of the muslims nearby were nonplussed what with our procession and the selawat and also the rayhar flag. we first visited a garden which was so lush with green treens and shrubs, something that you don't often see in Madinah or Makkah. it's the garden where Rasulullah used to hold meetings with the sahabahs to discuss war strategies or other important matters. it was also here that the Ansars and the Muhajirins held a meeting to elect a leader when Rasulullah was dying.

after going to the garden, we walked to the sahabahs'masjids and as the grand finale, we went to the dates market where we bought kilos and kilos of dates. i had to post some home instead of bringing with us back on the plane. sadly though because i was fasting, i couldn't taste the sweet dates.

i'm happy to say that i managed to visit the raudhah 3 times. raudhah is a piece of Eden on earth, situated next to Rasulullah's grave. no, there are no trees or flowers. it's a part of the original masjid and what differentiates it from the rest of the masjid is it's carpeted in green carpet while the rest of the masjid is in red. it's where you do sunat prayers and it is said that it's a mustajab place for doa. on my first visit there for this trip, there were a lot of hajjahs, so it was almost impossible to pray in peace as it was crowded. the last time i was there it was before midnight, and there were less people. i must have spent half an hour there. i went there with Kak Chum, Kak Mah and my roommates K. Kusha and Aunty Cha. we came out crying and hugging each other, as it was difficult to get a chance to stay inside raudhah that long (usually the infamous guards would be shoving us out if it's too crowded).

i also have to write something about shopping both in Makkah and Madinah. the prices soar during haji season, but once the number of haj pilgrims dwindles, the sellers will lower their prices. my abayat, which i previously bought at SR110, was sold at SR80 or may be less after a few weeks. of course, you must haggle the prices. most of the sellers can speak Malay, but i must caution the ladies to be careful of the Arab sellers who might be sexually harrassing you.

on saturday, 18th December, we said goodbye and left Madinah after asar prayers. we arrived in Jeddah at midnight and slept in dorms at Tabung Haji's building. that night for the first time in 42 days we heard loud music booming coming from the cafe downstairs. the next day, we received our boarding pass and weighed in the bags. then we made our way to the Jeddah airport, received our passports and the complimentary Quran and then finally we boarded Mas, already feeling at home.

at 6.45a.m. 20th December, we touched down on Malaysian soil. i was glad to see Kak Sham, Abg Jenal, Abg Zaki and Kak Ah waiting.

i'm glad to be home, and i'm happy that i went for haj. it's not some mundane journey, it's THE journey. it's full of so many significant memories, lessons and experiences of ourselves, the ukhuwah with other muslims and our communication with Allah. it is not only to fulfil the 5th rukun islam, but it's one's spiritual journey, to be close to Allah, to learn of the history of our religion, to feel humbled with our frailty, limits, ignorance and to respect the sacrifices of the muslims of long ago, especially our Rasulullah and above all - to discard all worldly possessions, pride, wealth and to submit oneself solely to Allah. i feel at peace and syukur to experience the miracles and syukur that Allah had sent me help me when i needed it.

"mereka yang selalu bertaubat, yang beribadat kepada Allah, yang memuji-Nya dalam setiap waktu, dan yang mengembara dalam mengembangkan amanat-Nya, yang selalu rukuk dan sujud, yang selalu mengajak berbuat baik dan yang berpegang teguh hukum Allah. sampaikan berita gembira kepada mereka yang beriman" 112, Surah At Taubah

The Spiritual Journey: miracles in madinah

2010-12-15T15:45:00.003+08:00

i will start my madinah story with the story of tawaf wida in makkah.

i felt very sad to leave the holy city, something which i didn't feel the first time around i was there for umrah 2 years ago. i knew i was going to miss the jamaah prayers at the Masjidil Haram, miss looking at kaabah, and miss tawaf the kaabah.

as if to echo the sadness, it drizzled after asar. and my favourite imam Abdul Rahman Al Sudais imamed the isya' prayers. still, i felt sad.

we were told to do tawaf wida at 4a.m. instead of at 3a.m. after the last incident (KT 56 had to wait for 6 hours before their bus arrived). we had prayed hajat and doa that nothing would go amiss during our journey. at the dining hall, the number of people had dwindled to 20 something - and there were still kedai kopi sessions - getting to know the rest of the jemaah haji - there was one uncle who wrote a poem for Hari Pahlawan and there's another uncle who was a primary school headmaster and an excellent English speaker who had a lot to advise me about the teaching profession.

i went to Masjidil Haram early - as early as 2.30a.m. and did my usual sunat taubat and tahajud prayers. at exactly 4a.m. i walked towards Kaabah and saw its magnificence and glory and felt sad. there weren't too many people, so i completed the tawaf in 20 minutes. i met Kak Chum there, the kakak who befriended me on the first day i was at Masjidil Haram. just before i started my sunat tawaf prayers, it drizzled. subhanallah! we felt so priviledged at that time. after the prayers i knew i had to leave a.s.a.p as required but i couldn't leave without gazing at Kaabah one last time. and i wept. i wept openly and didn't care if anyone saw me. i didnt want to leave Kaabah but i knew i had to, to continue on with my life.

still sniffling, i returned to the hotel, bought some food, waited for subuh, then went down with my handluggage. we didn't have to wait that long because our bus arrived soon after. i was on board bus no 2 with a driver who spoke only Arabic and who didnt know his way in Makkah so we were alarmed when we went on a merry go round ride until he stopped a few times to ask for directions. we stopped 3 times - once to receive muasassah food pack at the haj pilgrim centre, then once to have lunch where the men lounged on Arabian rugs and cushions then the last one to pray Friday prayers. we arrived early, so early that our rooms weren't ready yet. Haji Harun told us to have our second lunch there (rezeki jangan ditolak) and the dining hall was jam packed as KT76,KT56, KT88 and KT96 were all there. i should say there were around 400-500 people at that time.

i moved into my new house with 3 other roommates and we went for maghrib and isya prayers together that night. during the next cold dawn, i fell down near the curb and limped slightly to Masjid Nabawi. we went for an external masjid tour after breakfast, and at that time i didn't wear my thermal top. before zohor i started to wheeze and had to take 3 Ventolin puffs. i decided to play it safe as i haven't been truly well for a month and didn't go to the masjid.

the next day, we went on a trip to Jabal Uhud (the place of martyrs), Masjid Quba (the first masjid to be build based on taqwa) and the date farm. it was at jabal Uhud that the miracle happened. i saw a formation of clouds and thought that i never saw such clouds before in my life. i snapped a picture of it, and didn't think much about it until lunch when Ustaz Rosli said that KT96 jemaah haji were lucky to witness such an event. i went back to my room and check my camera. subhanallah! in the picture you can see the word Ällah and also Muhammad. we can't figure out the rest. we truly felt blessed, as since our tawaf wida we had no complications at all and now we get to witness a miracle.

back at the hotel, i didn't feel that much inclination to shop. madinah is definitely different than makkah, as it is more modern. our hotel is very big, and since i had stayed here for umrah i was looking forward to the comfort after the cramped hotel at Makkah.

yesterday we made a trip to a place where there is a strong magnetic force field. it was so strong until our bus sped at more than 110kmph. the bus driver didnt even sit at his place, so the bus was moving on its own.

after that we went to the printing press which produces the official madinah quran. i bought only 2 to give as gifts to friends as i use my late parents madinah quran at home.

we were told that Sultan Mizan will be arriving in Madinah today and haji harun has plans for us to welcome the king here.

will keep the readers posted.

The Spiritual Journey : The last few days

2010-12-07T12:59:00.002+08:00

it's quiet now at the mezzanine floor. the pilgrims of earlier flights had returned home, the first batch of late flights pilgrims are now in Madinah. around 20 are waiting for the bus to take them to Madinah, and there are less than 20 pilgrims now at the hotel. the hotel used to be so packed that having meal means tapau food from the mezzanine floor. now, we can actually sit back after all the meals and have really long conversations with some interesting people.

the sellers are now slashing the prices of their goods (usually the abayas) as most of the pilgrims have gone back. but it is also difficult to find small sized abayas as all Asian pilgrims bought those. most of the times there are abayas of big Arab sizes, which will sink any medium sized Asians.

at Masjidil Haram, the top floor has been closed. i managed to pray there only once, on the day of my arrival. a few hours ago i heard that the entrance gates from Safa and Marwah have also been closed. going to the masjid now isnt a hassle, you can always find a nice spot to pray and see Kaabah even half an hour before prayer time - something that was unthinkable a few weeks ago. there are not many people around doing tawaf either, but i still can't get to hajarul aswad - most cautioned me not to go for my safety.

how do i feel right now? i feel sad to leave. those who have not been here will wonder, what does this dry dusty land have that other major cities in the world don't? (duh, the most obvious - the Kaabah!) no, i mean seriously.

all the cities have their own specialties - but they're all the same. they have all the tangible and physical attractions like the shopping experiences, the food, the architecture etc. but Makkah is a holy city. it doesnt have temperate cool climate - it is dry, dusty, hot and there are barren rocks everywhere. so when one comes to Makkah, it's a matter of faith and submitting oneself to Allah - forsaking comfort for Allah's pleasure.

and there's something that one cannot explain.

i feel that bond with Kaabah and the Masjid. and because my days here are numbered, and unfortunately since i'm asthmatic, i'm willing to wear purdah (another alternative to wearing mask) to avoid the dust in order to pray at the Masjid at least during maghrib and isya'. to be in the Masjidil Haram is to feel safe and to feel the ukhuwah you have with the rest of the Muslims around the world - and to hear the beautiful quran recitals during prayer by Imam Abdul Rahman Al Sudais is very soothing to the soul.

The Spiritual Journey: Charity

2010-12-04T22:00:00.001+08:00

in one of my entries for the Spiritual Journey journal series, i've mentioned that somewhere that the Prophet has said that haj mabrur is sedeqah and salam.

the charity aspect is very much seen everywhere here. it is encouraged by the ustazs here in Rayhar and it is seen in Masjidil Haram and also when i was in Arafah and Mina. it is not strange to see sisters in the masjid passing dates or nuts or even sweets to other sisters. but it doesnt mean that you have to sedeqah in the form of objects - you can give sedeqah through helping other people, sharing your knowledge or even giving a smile.

here at the hotel, the pilgrims will share their foods with the rest. some brought packed rendang, serunding daging (beef floss) and dried sambal ikan bilis. my contribution was the kicap kipas udang, which finished in 2 days. for yaasin recitals, some will pool money and then there will be a feast of mutton mandy rice (which i don't fancy at all).

in arafah i remember younger ladies in my tent gave us sedeqah by helping to distribute the packed muassasah food and drinks. they had to walk to and fro in order to deliver to probably 30 sisters in the tent. some even volunteered to throw the used tin foils into the garbage can outside the tent. how else can you give sedeqah? some of you who have been reading The Spiritual Journey journal would have read about the queueing and the condition of the toilets in Arafah and Mina. by giving up your turn to some other people who are "desperate" for nature's call you are giving sedeqah. though not in tangible object form, the other receiving party will appreciate it, and you will receive their gratitude.

i was told of this story. there is this one particular old makcik from kampung who travels without a mahram. she depends on the others for help. on one particular night, this makcik woke up earlier than usual - she woke up just after midnight, and asked her sleeping roommate for the time, and being sleepy the roommate mumbled the time. the poor old makcik heard wrongly and thought it was near to 4 a.m. so she left for the masjid for subuh prayer at 1a.m. the concerned roommate pitied the makcik and realised that even though the makcik is poor, she doesnt act needy. the roommate then remembered that the makcik does not bring a sejadah to the masjid, she only uses a face towel as her sejadah. she zikirs only with her fingers, and not with her tasbih. she washes her dirty laundry with the remnants of the roommate's detergent. the roommate then decided to be charitable and bought the makcik the things. the makcik was very happy and thanked the roommate. the roommate was happy too, but she was happy because the sincere charitable act gave her peace and tranquility in her heart.

in Surah Al - Rum, verse 37-38, Allah says

Have they not seen that Allah enlarges the provision to whomsoever He pleases, and straitens it to whomsoever He pleases? In that truly are Signs for a people who believe. So give to the kinsman his due, and to the needy, and to the wayfarer. That is best for those who seek the favour of Allah, and it is they who will prosper.

The Spiritual Journey: When the Imam weeps

2010-12-02T13:33:00.001+08:00

2 nights ago, the chief imam at Masjidil Haram, Abudl Rahman Al Sudais, wept when he recited a few verses of At Taubah during isya' prayer. not knowing a word of Arabic (correction, i took Arabic when i was in Seri Puteri but failed miserably), i was determined to know the verse which made him cry until he was unable to continue reciting for almost a minute.

back at the hotel, i asked our ustaz in resident, Ustaz Nik, and he told me that it's the last verse in At Taubah. in order to understand the last verse, i've to mention the verse before.

128. Verily, there has come unto you a Messenger (Muhammad) from amongst yourselves. it grieves him that you should receive any injury or difficulty. he is anxious over you (to be rightly guided, to repent to Allah, and beg Him to pardon and forgive your sins, in order that you may enter Paradise and be saved from the punishment of the Hell-fire), for the believers full of pity, kind, and merciful.

129.But if they turn away, say (O Muhammad): "Allah is sufficient for me. Lâ ilâha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He), in Him I put my trust and He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne."

in my humble and little knowledge about Al Quran, i think this verse talks about leaving your fate and depending on Allah, after being rejected by the very people you're trying to help. this is especially true when you're in distress or troubled and you feel so alone and there's no one to turn to - Allah is always with you. and this is especially true for me when i went back to the maktab in Mina alone at 4a.m. after stoning. i felt so alone in the sea of other pilgrims but because of tawakkal to Allah, i persevered and arrived safely at the maktab.

Umrah

2010-11-29T19:20:00.001+08:00

a few days ago i performed my umrah wajib with my roommate Kak Sidah. Rayhar provides buses for its pilgrims to go and niat at various miqats in Makkah namely Hudaibiah, Ja'ranah and Tane'em'. the closest miqat is Taneém which is 7km from Masjidil Haram. that day we went to Taneém.

a day after that i didn't perform umrah, but there was an umrah ziarah for my KT96 group. we went to see the places we had to be at during haj, but which are now deserted places - Arafah, Muzdalifah and Mina. some of you can see the pics in my facebook. then we went to Jabal Rahmah, the place where Adam met Hawa after a few hundred years. we also visited Jabal Thur (where the Prophet hid with Saidina Abu Bakar, if i'm not mistaken) and Jabal Nur (where the Prophet received his first revelation).

Yesterday i performed umrah for my late mother. it's the least i could do for a person who had raised me with love. as it was meant for her, it was very emotional for me, as one of the mustajab places to doa is during tawaf and when i doa for her, tears came falling down. may be some of the people were puzzled to see a lady crying, but i just didn't care. i performed the umrah alone, for the first time, and it's better this way because i could move faster. may be during umrah season tawaf and saie would take less than 2 hours, but it took me 1 hour to complete the tawaf, and 1 hour to complete the saie. unlike some people who tawaf on the 1st floor, i stick to the groundfloor, and i was in the middle of the tawaf ring. i didn't have much difficulty and the most pleasant experience was when i could feel the cool air - which Ustaz Hj Ahmad Rosli mentions in his book as the breeze from heaven.

today i didn't perform umrah, but we stopped at the camel farm. based from my previous experience, the camel farm is a very smelly place, and the smell hit me as soon as the bus door opened. some bought camel milk, but i wasnt interested at all as i'm lactose intolerant. then we went to Hudaibiah mosque for miqat. it was a brief visit, unlike the one i had when i performed umrah where we visited the museum exhibiting masjidil haram objects such as kiswah and the gold door.

i will continue my story later.

The Spiritual Journey:This Is It!

2010-11-26T16:26:00.004+08:00

hi guys! finally i'm connected to the net! now i'm able to tell my experiences in performing hajj. i've previously written my journal and saved the file in Words but due to some techie errors, i've lost the file, and only have the journal dated atfer my return from Mina. i'll try my best to remember the experiences.

my journey began at Tabung Haji Kelana Jaya. Kak Sham sent me to the centre and there i could see pilgrims in ihram, and i felt nervous. i saw pilgrims with Rayhar signature purple coloured bags and felt a bit secure. i met Abg Mi and we then went to Rayhar counter to get our complimentary gifts and our ID tags. then the check in began. it was smooth sailing, and i thanked Allah for it, because Hj Harun, Rayhar's CEO, had prepared us for the worst case scenario. then after praying dhuha at the prayer room, Rayhar's Ust Zul recited the azan. i tell you, i was so emotional at that time. during our haj lectures the ustazs always said that going for haj is like preparing for death - you don't know if you're coming back or not. and that's how i felt at that time. tears just came running down. we then boarded the bus. i was contemplating whether to do haji tamattuk or haji ifrad. Abg Mi and Kak Madiha opted for Haji Tamattuk. but i did istikhara the previous night and somehow when i was boarding the bus i kept looking at the Haji Ifrad checklist. in the end i decided to choose Haji Ifrad, which means that i'll be in ihram for haj as soon as we pass Qarnul Manazil miqat. anyway, there were 10 buses for KT96 that day, and it felt nice to see the police traffic stopping the traffic just for us. made us feel like VIPs. once we arrived in KLIA, we didn't have to wait that long to board the 747-400. i was lucky to get the window seat as i love looking at the clouds or the land below. a few hours into the flight, and i could see the landscape below. i had this feeling we were in Africa, there were huge mountains. then later i could see the Sahara desert. then the landscape changed and i knew we're in Saudi Arabia.

we arrived in Jeddah at night, and had to pray at the arrival hall. there was a delay because they didn't have enough immigration arrival cards. after that was settled, we went through imigration check. we're very lucky that the Arabs respect Malaysians, so the check was a breeze. we then collected our big suitcases and it was there i saw a few workers praying Isyak not in a room, but near the luggage conveyor belt - just to show that whatever it is, solat comes first and they will pray at any clean space available. something that we don't see in Malaysia. in Malaysia, we have a special room for praying and even then not all Muslims pray. makes you wonder, doesn't it?

after that we had to wait until past midnight to board the bus. we arrived in Mekah at 2am and as usual i was crying when we recited the talbiyah. i saw the giant clock tower, which is near to Masjidil Haram. we arrived at the hotel feeling dazed and exhausted. the Rayhar officer told us to get ready for tawaf and saie at 7.30a.m. the majority of the pilgrims in my group did umrah, but because i decided to do haji ifrad, i had to do tawaf qudum or welcome tawaf and this enabled me to do saie haji. it was an experience to see Kaabah...subhanallah! as always, i marvel at its magnificence.

after tawaf and saie i decided to stay on at masjidil haram for zohor. though alone, i wasn't afraid because minutes later i met 2 ladies who were from my KT96 but staying at a different hotel. these friendly ladies took me under their wings and asked me to have lunch with them at their hotel. i even took a nap in their room, as their hotel is near to the masjid. we then went for maghrib and isyak prayers together. while waiting for Isyak, one of the ladies, Kak Mah, asked me if wanted to take some zamzam water. we made our way to a zamzam fountain but it was full with men. Kak Mah then had the idea to ask one of the cleaners in green uniform to help. the cleaner we asked for help didnt help us, but he stopped another of his colleagues and i could hear him say clearly "Malayzia". so, his friend gladly helped us to fill our bottles with zamzam water. so my dear readers, Malaysians are very much respected by the Arabs in Makkah since we don't create problems. we should feel so lucky because of this reputation.

my friend As told me that i should do a lot of sedeqah. and i remember reading a hadith somewhere that haji mabrur means sedeqah and giving salam (correct me if i'm wrong). so i bought some dates and brought some to the masjid. it's not much, but in Haram Land, the reward is tenfold (or should i saw thousandfold?). at this time too, i was about to read Yaasin as it was Thursday (Friday night). i was sitting between 2 Turkish ladies. one of them tried to talk to me but since she knows no English, we're like chicken and duck talking. she was gesturing towards my Yaasin, then i realised that she wanted me to teach her how to read Yaasin! subhanallah! this is an opportunity for me to do good deeds by helping other people to read Quran. so i helped the lady gladly, and she hugged me afterwards. i felt contentment and tranquility after that, knowing that i've done something good. as usual, as i'm writing this, i'm not trying to glorify what i did, i'm just telling my readers about my experiences and inspire the others.

i felt pleased with myself, but the feeling didn't last long because i then came down with flu despite the Vaxigrip vaccine shot. i stayed in bed most of the time, and i was worried because we were due to leave for Arafah on the 14th Nov as 15th is wukuf day. worried, too, because the most important haji rituals should be done in the next few days, all along with all the trials and tribulations. anyway, i gathered all the strength that i could muster and climbed the bus to Arafah.

on the bus, i sat next to a senator who i called "makcik"before that. never mind, everybody's on equal footing on holy land. as we went farther and farther out of Makkah and masjidil haram, i could still see men in ihram in some of the buildings - which shows that their lodging is much farther than ours, and still that did not deter them from doing pilgrimmage. and my hotel is only 250m from masjidil haram. makes one think that we should stop complaining and think of how lucky we are.

"Haji is Wukuf" (Haji itu Wukuf, as quoted by Nabi Muhammad s.a.w)

what with the fever and fatigue, i fell asleep. we reached Arafah campsite around 9pm. my fever was so bad at that time that everything happened seemed to be surreal, even to the late dinner i had. my head pounded so bad and all i wanted to do was sleep. we were divided into tents which were spread with Arabian rugs and a mattress, a pillow and a blanket for everybody. there were airconditioning units so air ventilation was good. the only thing that wasn't good was the toilets. this is the most basic facility at its most rudimentary form that you can get, and it won't do you good to complain because we're in Arafah to submit ourselves to Allah, not to come and ask for 5 star hotel treatment. in these hard times, one can see the true colours of other people - it is only our iman that determines our patience to bear with all the hardships. the food provided by the muasassah wasn't appetising, but i didn't complain. suffice to say that i must have lost some weight because i only ate around 2-3 tablespoons of rice at best.

Rayhar made sure that our time is filled with food for our souls, so there're always tazkirahs, zikirs, quran recitals, and latest info by the management. on wukuf day, Ust Ir. Mohd Radzi recited a few lines from Al Baqarah concerning haj, and there was a khutbah Arafah and throughout the day there was a constant flow of zikir. Nabi Muhammad delivered a Khutbah Arafah to the pilgrims during his last haj before his death, and this was where he asked the Muslims if he had completed his task as Rasulullah.

then it was almost sundown and it's the most mustajab time to doa, which i did by sujud, because we'ré closer to Allah that way. it is said that at this time Allah is nearest to the earth as He can be, asking the angels if there're any more wishes to be granted.

Spending the night at Muzdalifah (Bermabit di Muzdalifah)
by nightfall, we left Arafah ground to spend at least half a night at Muzdalifah. unfortunately though, there's not space available so some of us had to sit by the roadside. we were there until 2 am then we went to Mina.

Spending the night at Mina (Bermabit di Mina)
at Mina, the tents are made of canvas and durable enough so that the tents are permanent structures there. we were in Maktab 83 and Rayhar purple flags were flying about. that night i slept as soon as my head touched the pillow. a few minutes later, i was awakened by my neighbour who said some people had gone stoning the jamrah kubra. i immediately switched on my phone and realised that Abg mi and Kak Madiha had gone. i was determined to get my tahallul awal as i was in ihram far longer than most of the hajis and hajjahs, and as luck had it (or call it Divine Intervention) my roommate and her husband wanted to go stoning. so i joined them and went stoning at 3am. there were many other pilgrims, namely the arabs and the turkish, and there were also a few groups of indonesians and thais. after stoning the jamrah kubra, we did tahallul of cutting a few strands of hair. unfortunately though, my roommate wanted to return to Makkah so i went back alone. yes,alone. at 4a.m. i was scared, but my only thought at that time was that Allah is always with me. i kept reciting "rabbi yassir wala tuassir" all the way until i reached the maktab.no words could express my emotion at that time. i've completed the first leg of haj, and the 10 restrictions were lifted. one kakak even said that i had a glow on my face, the glow of those who have gone through tahallul awal. really? well, i don't know.

life in mina is better than in Arafah in the sense that the tent is much better, the facilities are better (in this i'm talking about the toilets which were equipped with working showerheads) and Rayhar made sure that there's a free flowing of fresh fruits (arranged abundantly in trays), biscuits, hot drinks, and an inexhaustable supply of mineral water. nothing can be said about the muasassah food, well, what do you expect when Arabs cook rice for you? still, it took 1 hour to queue for the shower or the toilet...but then, you're only there to please Allah, and you're not late for any business meeting or appointment.

anyway, my flu was bad, so i asked to go to the clinic. i asked to go to Tabung Haji clinic first, and to go there, i had to pass a few private haji packages tents. and they were all very silent, there's no activity going on at all. the only activity and sounds came from Rayhar maktab as they made sure that the time is filled with tazkirahs and zikir. made me think that i made the right choice in choosing Rayhar in the first place. when i reached the Tabung Haji tent, the doctor told me that only emergency procedures could be done there. so i had to go to the Arab clinic outside. the Arab doctor could communicate in English, thank god, so i told him, in my almost barely recognisable voice that i wheezed. unfortunately though i forgot to mention i have gastritis. after that, i went to get my medicine at the pharmacy counter. the arab pharmacist tried to make a joke when he asked for my medical book and put it in his pocket pretending to refuse giving it back to me. anyway, i was given an inhaler, and some other pills. at the tent, i was blessed because i had some concerned neighbours who rubbed some vicks on my back, and there was a doctor as well. so this doctor taught me how to use the inhaler properly. 3 hours later, i realised that the antibiotics was acidic, because i had gastric pains! immediately i asked the doctor's opinion and she told me to take the anti-acid pills that i had. the good doctor finally gave another set of antibiotics to me, which she said is "kinder".

Abg Mi decided to do nafar awal. in performing haji, one has the option of staying 2 or 3 nights in Mina. we chose to spend only 2 nights in Mina. on the last night in Mina, we went stoning at 3am. Rayhar made sure that we're in one big group, and there're Rayhar people holding Rayhar purple flags as well. we made our way to the jamrah, reciting takbir raya as we went. we then went to stone the 3 jamrahs before subuh, so that means 21 stones, and another round of stoning after subuh prayers to complete the 2 days of stoning. we then returned to our maktab and then we went back to Makkah.

The Philosophy behind the Stoning

the pilgrims have to stone at Mina because this was where Nabi Ibrahim was stopped by Satan who tried to dissuade him from sacrificing Nabi Ismail. Nabi Ibrahim responded by pelting Satan with stones.

as Abg mi and Kak Madiha had done their tawaf haji, i decided to join my roommate K.Sidah and her husband. we planned to tawaf at night as we were exhausted. but by asar, there was a storm in Makkah - in the midst of jammaah prayer! we wanted to go for maghrib prayers, but Masjidil Haram was closed as they needed to mop the floor. i had to pray on the marble staircase then. we only returned to the masjid at 1a.m. do to do tawaf, hoping that the crowd would recede. i was wrong. there was a sea of pilgrims all doing their tawaf. just imagine 3 of us, in the sea of tall, towering Goliaths who could just crush us by sheer force. but by the grace of Allah, we finished our tawaf. as for me, at 2.38a.m. i completed my haj. i didn't sleep for 48 hours as i was psyched up, and now i'm now a hajjah! alhamdulillah! i wish my parents were still alive so that they could be proud of me, as i'm sure they would.

a week after completing haj, Rayhar organised a trip for us. i've been to these places before during umrah, but i decided to go with the rest of my KT96 mates. we visited Jabal Thur, where Rasulullah and Abu Bakar hid from the Quraisy clan. there were too many pilgrims there, also taking pictures, and sadly though, the place isn't maintained at all. there were also peddlers selling tasbihs and offering photo taking services. after that we we passed by Muzdalifah and Mina, the 2 places we had to be at during haj. Mina was a deserted place now, but the tents still stand. we then stopped for half an hour at Jabal Rahmah, the place where Adam and Eve met after a few hundred years of searching for each other. i didn't climb the hill as i did that during my umrah trip. there were also men towing the camels bedecked in gaudy ornaments, offering pilgrims camel rides at a certain fee. i felt sorry for the gentle creatures. i think they should be allowed to roam free instead of being tied up with human commercialism. after that we went to Jaaranah, a place which is 22km from Makkah and another miqat for umrah. after that we passed by the hill called Jabal Nur, where Rasulullah first received his revelation from Jibrail. from far away we could see tiny white specks and i knew those were pilgrims who were cilmbing the steep hill. i salute them and most importantly, i really respect Rasulullah because it is a steep hill, and he went there to be alone to worship Allah.

today is the 26th of november, and because of uzur syaríe, i 'm taking this chance to do what jemaah haji and ustazs like to call "tawaf kedai". yes i'm in shopping mode! a lot of the pilgrims are seen shopping - be it the Turkish, the Thais, the Indons, the Malaysians - everybody is shopping for souvenirs. well anyway before my netbook runs out of battery i'd better end my journal here, and hope to continue later, especially when we go to Madinah on the 10th Dec.

my advice to my Muslim readers who have not performed haj yet, start registering if at Tabung Haji if you haven't. you must have at least RM1300 to register for haj, and if you have enough money, and if you want to perform haj a.s.a.p then i suggest you go by private packages as Tabung Haji is decreasing the subsidy given to muassasah pilgrims. i would also like to suggest my readers to go as early as you can, while you still have your physical strength, as the most important rituals involve a lot of stamina through walking and enduring hardships. but most important of all, don't go for haj only because it's the 5th tenet in Islam. go for haj because you want to be close to Allah, and to bare yourself and your weaknesses to Him. be sincere because you'll be rewarded. prepare yourself months before by praying sunnah prayers : tahjud, taubat, dhuha, and the qabliyatan and ba'diyatan prayers. it may be difficult at first, but through discipline you'll be rewarded with peace and contentment and insyaallah you'll feel you're close to Allah.

la baikallah hummalabaik
la baikala shari kala kala baik
innal hamda wa ni'mata
laka wal mulk
la sharikalah

The Spiritual Journey: inspirational words

2010-10-28T23:44:00.006+08:00

My brother, Abg Mi, who will be my mahram, and my sister in law, Kak Madiha, held their doa selamat last weekend. As usual, the family gathered, but my brother had invited his neighbours and friends, so there were some unfamiliar faces. as usual, Abg Jenal, our family "tok imam" started the tazkirah, and to Abg Mi (who sat crosslegged facing him) he gave this as an advice "when you go for haj, leave your position behind". yes, how true and how wise that advice is. money and status might help one in the worldly world, but when you're in Holy Land, a prince is just as equal as a pauper. and that is also how Masyhar is going to be. i'm also reminding myself not to think that i'm so special and so i'm worthy of first class treatment over there, and that i'm going there to perform ibadah and we're there as Allah's humble servants. Abg Jenal then again reiterated all his points in his earlier tazkirahs at Abg Halim's (at the time i'm typing this, Abg Halim and my sis in law Kak Siti are already in Makkah as they're in the early flights batch) and my doa selamat - that we 're not there only to do the rituals of haji, but to actually grasp the fundamentals of the philosophy behind it (or in other word, the actual realisation) and undergo a process of becoming a new changed person, as pure as a newborn baby.

abg Jenal's tazkirah actually inspired some of my siblings. Kak Dah even said she felt she wants to return to Makkah. and Kak Sham, the wife of Abg Jenal, called me a few days ago to ask for abt Rayhar, because they plan to go for umrah after the haj season. alhamdulillah.

i've stopped revising my haji notes for a few days because now i'm busy marking the final exam papers, but tonight i decided to take it easy and i continued reading Travelog Haji written by Muhd Kamil Ibrahim. like me, he may not be a learned ustaz, but he wrote with sincerity in the hope of inspiring Muslims to become better Muslims, and also in the hope of inspiring more to perform haj and experience the most wonderful experience. i've come to the part where he said he extended help to those in need and in this he has really inspired me. i hope i can be as helpful and generous as he is when i'm there.

i've only experienced umrah once, so i'm in no position to say how everything is going to be, but i can only hope and pray for the best and insyaallah, rabbi yassir wala tuassir...

The Spiritual Journey - to be Mentally Prepared

2010-10-26T10:05:00.007+08:00

there are a lot of things that soon-to-be hajis or hajjahs can pack in their suitcases for a 40 day stay in the holy cities of Makkah and Madinah, but then those are just material things that are immaterial when compared to the life changing experiences one gets.

it is not a holiday.

it's a sign of repentance and a purification of the soul, which one must start much earlier before embarking on the journey. in terms of ibadah, this means to regularly wake up in the middle of the night (in my case, an hour or half an hour before subuh) to do qiammulail of tahjud and taubah prayers, as well as other sunah prayers at other times such as isyraq, awwabin and dhuha. it takes a lot of patience, and discipline, but once you get the hang of it, your soul will feel at peace and that quiet joy called sakinah. you know then that you're close to Allah.

but it's not just ibadah that one must prepare oneself with. this is a transition, a liminal space (ahem, i'm using the theory of cultural hybridity term here) where one must adopt changes, good positive changes, which require a good deal of adapting and casting away the bad habits. for me, it is about not to backstab people and bitch about them.it is hard, since humans love to talk and gossip, but i want to try. i've met a few people (2 of them are ustazahs) who are always serene and have nothing ill to say about others. i aspire to be like these people and insyaallah...

There are a lot of things that seem trivial and unimportant now. there are a lot of things to be done, a lot of changes to be done. before i went for umrah and after my return, i started wearing long sleeved t shirts and blouses, but i backslid last year. now, after coming across the aurat issue during my quran translation reading, i've started wearing the long sleeves again - and also to wear tudung when my brothers in law or nephews in law are present. it seemed ridiculous at first, because i grew up without wearing tudung when the family was present, but i figured it out that this is a command from Allah, and that vetoed everything else. like my friend Asmarani (who had trained and worked as a hepatologist and then resigned because she wants to devote her life to religion...subhanallah) says, "do it because you want to please Allah".

i'm writing this not to glorify my changes but to inspire the other Muslims. this is sort of Travelog Haji but written in English, and in a blog.

i will try to keep the readers updated when i reach the Holy Lands. certain pictures will be uploaded here, but the rest of the pictures will be available in my facebook account.

The Spiritual Journey: Preparation

2010-10-17T22:19:00.003+08:00

last week, a day after the rayhar briefing, i held my first tahlil and doa selamat at my sister's house in kelana jaya. my siblings were so happy that i decided to host the tahlil that they teased me about it. one of my brothers (who's now in Madinah, insyaallah) even joked that we should call Karam Singh Walia to report for TV3 news.

well anyway, Abg Jenal, my brother in-law cum tok imam for our religious gatherings, began the doa selamat by giving tazkirah. his question was pertinent, and very very important for every haj pilgrim.

"why do you want to go for haj?"

a basic question, which can produce a lot of answers. but what is the answer?

we perform haj not only to complete the 5th pillar of Islam, but we perform haj as penitent and humble Muslims, who are willing to sacrifice worldly possessions in order to become pure, as pure as newborn babies.

labaik Allahuma labaik

here i am O Allah, here i am

labbaika la sharika laka baik

here i am, you have no equal, here i am

inna al-hamd wanni'mata laka wal mulk, la sharika lak

verily all praises and blessings are yours, and all the sovereignty, you have no equal.

and as we go through the rituals of tawaf, sai'e, wuquf in Arafah and stoning the Satan in Mina we must remember that we're reliving the significant scenes of what happened to some of the most significant people in Muslim history. Nabi Adam was the first man to do tawaf, and Nabi Ibrahim was the first man to build the Kaabah. sai'e symbolises Siti Hajar's run from Safa to Marwah in order to find water for Nabi Ismail. the stoning ritual symbolises the actual stoning by Nabi Ibrahim when the Satan tried to dissuade him from sacrificing his beloved son.all these point to the most important thing - to sacrifice what you love in order to be Allah's most devoted worshippers.

for me, going for haj doesn't mean you have to be pure and contrite only when you're in the Holy Land. it starts long before.this is a process that takes a lot of determination and patience for a Muslim. it is not easy to be good, and that is why we get extra bonus for being one. there are times when i backslid, but i steered myself right back on course.

haj, is therefore, a spiritual journey, just like i called it once when i performed umrah in 2008. but back then i didn't have the much deeper understanding like i have now. it is still a spiritual journey for me, but i feel at peace. i long to see Kaabah again, to be able to pray jemaah in Masjidil Haram with all the other 3 million pilgrims from all over the world and to feel the ukhwah. safe. secure.

Rayhar's briefing on the journey to Mecca

2010-10-11T09:00:00.001+08:00

this is the last briefing of any kind before i report myself at Tabung Haji in Kelana Jaya next month. it's vital that the soon to be hajis and hajjahs be present at this briefing, because this is no longer about what to do and when to do it like we learnt in the past 10 months, but this is about our journey to the holy city, expectations and unexpectations.

ustaz rosli was there as the MC, and it's nice to see a familiar face. as usual, we began the briefing with talbiyah, which of course made me cry. it's so profound, especially when you're saying to Allah "Here i am, o God, i'm answering your call". it teaches us about humility, and that Datuk or no Datuk, Tengku or no Tengku, King or no King, we are all the same in the eyes of Allah.

after the talbiyah, the CEO of Rayhar Travels, Hj Harun, explained to us why there was a delay in informing us the flight schedule and as to why we haven't received the Rayhar signature purple bags. there was some laughter of embarrassment when he requested us not to be angry about the whole thing. as he told us lots of time, "relax, be patient and smile". that should be our mantra. we were informed of what we should do once we reach Tabung Haji Kelana Jaya, later to KLIA and Jeddah Airport. when i saw all the pictures of Makkah, Arafah and Mina, i couldn't wait to be there!

The Last Hajj Course

2010-09-30T10:32:00.003+08:00

normally a jemaah haji will go through 3 courses before embarking on the pilgrimmage to Makkah Al Mukarramah. i've gone through the 15 series of course, the intensive course, and the grand finale which is the Kursus Haji Perdana, where they gather the jemaah haji from all over the state, in this case for me it's Wilayah Persekutuan. my other family members registered at Selangor so they attended the course at the Shah Alam mosque while i had to go to Tuanku Mizan Zainal Abidin mosque, the mosque some fondly dubbed as the Steel Mosque.

i don't know my way in Putrajaya, and although Kak Dah and Abang Najib showed me the way on the first day of raya, i knew back then i'd get lost somewhere in god knows what precint. so Kak Dah offered to drive me there. good!

when we arrived there at 2pm, there were many cars around, and there were policemen controlling the traffic. the mosque is huge, it's a complex! i made my way with my pink bag and after asking people for some directions, i finally reached the lobby of the mosque - and met my Rayhar course lecturer, Ust. Hj Ahmad Rosli. he recognised my face and we chatted for awhile. then i registered, got my tag, and again, made my way to the lift, all the while seeing a lot of pilgrims around - wheelchairbound grandmothers, young ladies, the educated ladies who spoke in English to their husbands (reminded me of my family). we were already separated from the men, and we were placed in maktab, simulating the scenario in makkah. my maktab happened to be at the end of the mosque on the 3rd floor. i immediately saw that there were mats around, we were instructed to bring the mat. some were sprawling on them. i immediately made friends with Kak Nor and K.Nora (wah! a person who looks like me, with the same name, and we have a lot in common)

there was to be a briefing at 3.30 and we were told to wear our white ihrams. the organiser was Tabung Haji, and a few ustazs spoke to us, telling us what to expect and etc. then, we had the talbiyyah, which always makes me cry.i think the most beautiful view was when i saw rows of pilgrims praying, with the men all in white ihrams, and we the ladies at the back, symbolising unity, equality and humility. and most of all, that we're jemaah haji.haj bound.

after the asar prayer, my maktab started the first practical, which was tawaf and sa'ie. we had to tawaf and sa'ie in the rain as they told us that in 2008 it rained in Makkah, so we had to expect the unexpected. that night at 10pm, we started the melontar practical, or stone throwing.

i couldn't really sleep well that night, as the structure of the mosque is so that it is light and airy, and there's no solid wall. it may be light and airy and cool during daytime, but at night i was freezing. decided to take a morning shower at 2.30am as to avoid the congestion in the showers and restrooms.

in the morning we had the last practical for tawaf and sa'ie. finally we had the closing ceremony and it's time to return home.

this is just a gist of what everyone might expect while doing hajj. there were only 3000 pilgrims at the mosque, but once we're in Makkah there'll be 3 million pilgrims.

May Allah make this haj a good haj for me.

Happy Eid Mubarrak

2010-09-19T09:16:00.000+08:00

i celebrated my hari raya at my one of my sisters this year. it's a quiet raya for me, i don't know whether it's a matter of getting older or that raya in KL is not raya at all. in truth, i miss celebrating raya in terengganu, because of all the excitement of having more than 50 people under one roof , and visiting relatives at kampung.

well, life goes on.

i still had that slight raya cheer in me though. early in the morning of raya i went down the stairs and nearly triggered the alarm because i was so damn hungry. and before kak dah could cook her masak lodeh, i was already popping cookies into my mouth.

after the picture taking, we went to kak sham's house. kak sham's house was very quiet this year, because her children celebrated raya at their in laws. so no patters of little feet, no cries and no Disney Chanel. the grandparents were on holiday for a few days and the 'nursery' is closed. kak sham cooked mother's nasi biryani and i was so happy that i had a second helping of it. not to mention i ate another round of lemang and rendang (i don't know why, but this year i craved for rendang and lemang). the problem is, kak sham's lemang is everything-you-can-eat and not only beef. i accidentally bit into a slice of liver and byearkhh!! can't stand the taste!

next we visited kak ma, my eldest sister who is suffering advanced dementia. she's okay, but she doesn't recognise any of us anymore. hard to imagine that 10 years ago she's an elegant lady, the mistress of the house.

after the brief visit, we went to abg zaki's house, where i had another round of lemang and rendang. there's nasi dagang, but i figured that nasi dagang is a knockout with the richness of the pulut, so i skipped that. had a slice of Janna's strawberry shortcake. the heavy feast was taking a toll on us, because we felt so sleepy and down we went on the carpet, like nana called it, "beach whales"

and that was on the first day.

on the second day, abg mi had his open house, and i had nasi minyak and soto. met my nephews nana and yaya and started discussing the gym training and the injuries we usually get in the gym. thank god for a doctor who can advise me straight away!

and lastly, we went to datuk's house. abang halim's house is full of his DIY projects - he tiled his house and the fence himself. he made the fish pond himself. and knowing abg halim, his home theatre speakers can deafen anybody's ears.

and so 2 days of feasting ended. i went home to ampang before i could do further damage to my weight.

the loss of innocence

2010-08-31T21:43:00.001+08:00

Remember when the days were long

And rolled beneath a deep blue sky

Didn't have a care in the world

With mommy and daddy standin' by

But "happily ever after" fails

And we've been posisoned by these fairy tales

The End of Innocence, Don Henley

it's funny how fragile happiness is. it is not permanent, and this i noticed with the passing of years.

when i was a young adult i had no cares in this world, and happiness was when i was with my family. raya was the happiest time since everybody came back home, and back them my closes nieces were still unmarried, so we would roam places, talked and just laughed under the big big sky.

but now things are different. my mother had passed on, my nieces are all married and have their own problems, and the only one who remains the same is me.

may be we've all grown up and moved on. but then again, can we ever achieve that happiness again?

bubur lambuk

2010-08-26T09:28:00.001+08:00

all these years i had been championing terengganu's bubur lambuk, saying that ours is the original version of the bubur lambuk, what with the fish and the ulam kampung added.

but on the first week of Ramadhan i was given the famous Kampung Baru bubur lambuk twice. and i'm hooked. unlike its east coast counterpart, kampung baru bubur lambuk is made with shreds of beef and dried shrimps, but it still has coconut milk, just like the terengganu version. anyway, i kept dreaming of it for the past few days.

and so yesterday i decided to cook the bubur lambuk myself, since going to any pasar ramadhan is suicidal what with the traffic jam and all...i googled up the recipe, and found a decent one by this blogger .

bought the stuff at MaxValu and when i returned home at 6pm, i started cooking straight away, the only things i added were the fresh shrimps and ground dried ikan bilis, and i omitted the white pepper (since i don't like it). the porridge was done before iftar, alhamdulillah. and when i tasted it, it was perfect!!

the day i pancited...

2010-08-24T22:29:00.000+08:00

before ramadhan, i was determined to repeat my feat during last year's ramadhan - to continue working out in the gym. unfortunately though, words are easier said than done. i've been coughing since the start of ramadhan, and had to put my gym visits on hold.

until today.

i was so happy to see that there were many available treadmills, and gleefully made my way upstairs. i decided not to jog but to merely walk, which is good enough. i did lower body weight training, which was nothing unusual. at school, i was talking to everyone like i would normally do. and i shouted at the errant students in class, just like i always do.

until 4pm, when lethargy started to kick in. i felt like i was sleepwalking. my speech is low and monotonous, and not at its usual high pitch. my students looked at me in amusement.

now i feel like it's not a good idea after all.

What Muslims in Malaysia Eat in Ramadhan

2010-08-16T10:30:00.002+08:00

i've noticed that there is a certain food culture during Ramadhan. it didn't occur to me until i was on my way to school and saw a makeshift stall selling canned lychees and longans at Pasar Keramat. so here's my list:

1. Typical drinks for iftar : soya bean milk, cincau rose syrup and sugarcane drink.

packed soya bean milk


cincau

sugarcane drink

2. Typical desserts : jellies, taufu fa and santan based kuih


agar-agar berlapis santan

packed taufu fa with molasses or regular syrup

kuih talam

kuih cara manis

kuih seri muka

3. Typical savoury kuihs:

karipap

pulut panggang

roti jala

4. Typical canned desserts : lychees in yellow cans

and longans in blue and white cans

longans in heavy syrup

5. Typical main meal from pasar ramadhan : nasi kerabu,

nasi kerabu

roti john

murtabak

ayam percik

ikan bakar

6. Typical homecooked meal : fried mee hoon, fried rice and spicy broth

fried mee hoon

fried rice

spicy beef ribs soup

7. A must for every iftar : dates

dates

the joy of giving

2010-08-14T22:00:00.001+08:00

in the olden days when i was a little girl (god, i feel so ancient) ramadhan bazaars or pasar ramadhan (or now popularly known as param) never existed. for my late mother who had to feed a lot of children, cooking from scratch and eating at home was a normal occurence. to deviate from this code was a big no-no. and so i grew up with lots of homemade food, and because there was always an excess of food, my mother would send me to the neighbours' houses, bearing tiffin filled with the delicious desserts.

and usually, the neighbours would reciprocate by giving some dishes, and so the tiffin was never empty. this practice went on until the first day of Eid Mubarrak, when everybody cooked delicious but very very fattening meals.

little did i know that this was exactly what Islam wants in every Muslim during Ramadhan - to share and to give.

and since i'm my mother's daughter, i love the idea of cooking, i love eating what i cook, knowing that my food isn't cooked in some second rate oil, i trim off the fat from the meat, i don't use sugar excessively and there're no preservatives in the food i cook.

today, i felt very ambitious, after an absence of serious cooking on the kitchen stove. i made chinese style chicken pau, pecal, my favourite kuih cara and my usual drink, homemade soya bean milk. there's a small problem though.they're not world famously delicious, and i've nothing to rave about them, but what is most important is that i enjoyed making them, and they're fresh and i know what goes into making them.

anyway, i had a lot of kuih cara and thought of sending some to my next door neighbour who are a young couple in their 20s.i packed some into some container and called them. unfortunately they're out but i did tell the hubby to call me so that i could give them the dessert.

during iftar, i realised that my kuih cara was a tad hard because the batter was thick. i had second thoughts then about giving the dessert, because in Islam, you're supposed to give the best to the guest. anyway, just as i was about to start my terawih prayers, the husband called and told me they're back.so i dashed downstairs in my telekung, and was pleasantly surprised when they reciprocated and gave me some sort of a frozen rolled sandwich. and they also extended an invitation for iftar at their house next weekend.

i went back inside the house with a smile. despite the stories that disappointed and devastated us, there is still kindness when you give it a chance.

the joys of sharing and giving.

The Holy Ramadhan is here

2010-08-10T21:35:00.000+08:00

i don't know why but this year i feel so excited of the prospect of praying terawih for the whole ramadhan. perhaps it's because i've been preparing myself for haj. for me ramadhan is no longer about shopping for foods sold at Ramadhan bazaars, it's about putting oneself nearer to Allah by means of ibadahs. so, i've actually transitioned, haven't i? hopefully this will be a good Ramadhan for me. and to all the muslims out there.

Busy Social Calendar

2010-08-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

i havent had a free weekend since 3rd July. every single weekend there's always something on, and it can be tiring when i teach on Monday.

well, let's see... there's the Intensive Haj Course which lasted for 2 days (throughout the weekend). straight after the course, i was busy screaming at the field, because Sports Day was on the next Saturday. i was running around looking for my teeny weeny runners under the hot sun since i was the Housemistress for the afternoon session.

then on the next weekend i had the book review presentation at school (although it was gazetted by the Ministry that DG41 and 44 teachers do not have to do book review presentations) and straight after the presentation i went for my Seri Puteri reunion. it was really really good to see everybody after 20 years.

and last weekend we had a hi tea buffet at a hotel because our Afternoon Head Assistant teacher is retiring this thursday. it was somewhat a cross between arabic and indian cuisine in an arab inspired restaurant so everyone was bedecked in glitters and abayas and some other creative ensemble. the naan bread was good, but unfortunately i couldn't stay long to enjoy more of it because i had to dash to a potluck at Shidah's house, where some old friends were scheduled to arrive.yesterday, i went to KLCC with another teacher on a mission - to buy our Afternoon Head Assistant a handbag for her retirement. knowing that PC fair was being held there, i told her i couldn't possibly drive there.finally we took the LRT, and you could just imagine the crowd that thronged the station carrying a lot of pc stuff boxes.

i'm hoping for a quiet weekend this week. ah...

the Seri Puteri Class of 86-90 20th Anniversary Reunion Dinner

2010-07-27T10:19:00.000+08:00

for me, it was the most anticipated event, one that i had waited for a year. most of my close friends are my ex-classmates, so it's no wonder that i'd be so excited.

the organising committee, which comprised of 7 of our schoolmates, met regularly to discuss. there were to be a lot of door gifts, and the grand prizes for the lucky draw were the Coach bags. a dream for most women. but most important of all, we would be meeting each other, and it would be very interesting to see how much 20 years have changed them.

i was to stay with my friend Annee, who has always been a generous soul, at the Legend Hotel.the night before the event i couldn't really sleep simply because i was excited! but the bummer is that i had to present a book review session at school in the morning.

i followed shidah and normi to Seri Pacific, where we were due to have the event, and though it was afternoon, i saw some familiar faces, and guess what? we shrieked, and we were 17 again, oblivious to the amused and bemused crowd at the hotel.

in the evening, we got ready in our best and it was nice to see the girls (ladies) again, and obviously there were a lot of shrieks and hugging, regardless of the MC's requests for us to settle down and become proper adults like we were taught in the boarding school. imagine, some of the girls flown in from Riyadh, Myanmar, Sarawak, Sabah, Kedah... so you can just imagine the pandemonium.

we started the show with singing the school song, and a re-enactment of what usually comes next after the school song during the school assembly, which is a very light exercise (imagine, doing exercise in our magnificent ensemble and heels). we had video montages from our former Chief Warden, Pn Aminah, and our days in the school.

i didn't get the Coach bag, though, but i got a packet of Basmathi rice. bummer! oh well. it was almost midnight when the dinner ended, and being an early sleeper, i made my way back to the Legend Hotel (where we gossiped until 2am). the rest of the girls changed into our new Seri Puteri t- shirts, and had supper at Rasa Sayang restaurant.

the next day the event still continued for some of us, like for me, i hung out with Shidah and Anne and had lunch at Chilis.

it was a blast, and it was a memorable night for all of us, judging by the hundreds of comments on the pics posted in Facebook.

the 5 ilmu girls who always meet regularly

the cupcake that we won for the game of charades, with our school emblem on it

the 5 ilmu girls who attended the dinner

the happy 60 girls who attended the dinner

looking forward to many more gatherings in the future.

"Kita lah puteri harapan bangsa, berkumpul dari seluruh tanahair"

Meeting with My Literature Coursemates

2010-07-22T19:09:00.000+08:00

a long time ago, when i first started blogging, i wrote a lot about the "suffering" that the M.A. students had to undergo in UM. suffering, because, the standard is so damn high that it took me 3 years to produce a dissertation. and since 1964 there're only 47 M.A. scholars who made it and received the scroll.

anyway, last sunday i met up with Iris and Nash. Iris is motherly and gave me good advice when i was moping after a breakup and couldn't write a term paper that was due on that particular day. i owe her a lot for that. nash is a literature genius and could rattle off some thinker's name during Literary Theory and talked about his seminal work. he was the one who helped me with my dissertation - we discussed regularly and he also went through my working chapters before i sent them in to my supervisor.

in short, these people were there when i needed them.

so when Nash said he's flying to Australia to do his PhD this 24th, i had to see him. and so did Iris. it was fun meeting them, and memories of us having lunch before the next class some years ago flashed in my mind. i told Nash i'm going to miss talking to him.

well, Nash, good luck in your PhD!

Gym Hopping

2010-07-04T21:51:00.000+08:00

after my return from terengganu, i decided to take a look at the celebrity fitness gym at wangsa walk, as it's a commercial gym and has a lot of classes and the fact that the parking fee is only RM1 for 3 hours. that surely is dirt cheap compared to what i had to pay for 2 hours of parking at KLCC (RM8).

i went to wangsa walk with shidah, who graciously took me there so that i could buy my supplements from Vitacare there. as i said, i only wanted to check out the place, but these people were telling me that they'd reduce the monthly payment if i sign up on first visit. it was a spontaneous act, and i didn't plan to sign that day, but i guess that's one of the tactics they play.

this is my 3rd week there, and although i hate the exorbitant parking fees at KLCC, i miss the quietness and the privacy. it's always packed at the new gym, and i have to get used to the equipment (the old gym uses Nautilus). i was disappointed though, that the lockers and the shower rooms are small, and that some of the equipment isn't actually brand new (it should be, since the branch at wangsa walk just opened last year) i can actually spot a tear on one of the pads of the equipment, and the safety clip one clips on when on the treadmill is actually rusty. the only thing good i can say about the gym is that they have a lot of interesting classes like belly-dancing , latin mix, hip hop dancing and a class called batuka (i really don't know what it is).

oh well, i just have to adapt, don't i?

The Return to the Beach and Land of Good Food

2010-07-04T21:27:00.002+08:00

i had to settle a few things regarding the house in terengganu. i didn't want to go back alone though, so i asked mozie to accompany me. she's happy to oblige.

terengganu is a nice place for those who like a laidback life at the beach with plenty of cheap good and fattening food. not to forget - a place full of artwork, what with the production of quality brassware, songket weaving, batik sarung and colourful, sophisticated and elegant batik silk.

which is why i made a point to stop at kuala kemaman to have otak otak and pulut lepa at Aziz Satar. mozie likes satar, so she bought those. with those in our hands, we made our way to Pantai Mak Nik which was nearby and had our lunch there. ah the beach!

we arrived in KT at nearly 4pm. the house was in a mess, but the tall grasses and weeds had been cleared by my neighbour. thank god for pak din. that evening we went to have fried seafood at the beach at Teluk Ketapang. earlier, mozie's friend told her to eat fried seafood at ICT, and i thought, what is ICT??? my answer was answered later.

there's no other nicer place to eat freshly fried seafood than at the first stall at Teluk Ketapang, since it's facing the beach - so while eating the crunchy seafood and sipping coconut drink, you can enjoy the evening seabreeze. there're a lot of cars at the first stall, and during the school hols more often than not, you'll find out -of-state car registration numbers. finding an empty spot there is also a problem, as you can see judging by the rows of cars there. one has to go to the counter and wait for the makcik to dump the freshly fried mackerels or calamari or crabs or prawns onto a big tray, and with an empty plate(s) in hand, one will try to dive into getting the perfect catch (or grab for any catch at all, since the seafood disappears just as soon the makcik puts it on the tray. people really have long hands when they're hungry). however, it's different with fried calamari. the makcik will dish the fried calamari rings onto the plates herself - and this is the best of all the fried seafood there.

so, happy with my catch, i made my way to the table and then mozie told me "look to your left" and there i saw it on the signboard "ICT" which translates into ikan celup tepung (fish dipped in batter). well, i've been going there since 1999 and i didn't know that it was called ICT.

the next day we went to Pasar Kedai Payang and spent a lot of money there. it's a curse to be a woman - can you see those gorgeous silks and not buy them? i think not. there're always new designs around, and usually the new designs come out during the school hols. we met with another friend, Norni who had her boys with her. we then met later that night for a dinner with a few other friends.

the next day it was back to the market and we bought beef floss, keropok, and more silks.i met with my friends Shima and Ah Chooi, who i hadnt met for quite some time. Shima was busy with her thesis, rushing with all the lab tests, and ah chooi was busy moving her tuition centre to a new spot.

we finally started our journey back to KL after doing the last shopping at pasar kedai payang and having lunch.of course, we stopped to take pic at our favourite spot in dungun.

balik kampung

2010-06-07T06:56:00.000+08:00

i hadnt returned to my hometown since the meeting with the magistrate regarding my late mother's property last year. i knew that i had to return to pay the quit rent and to settle some other matters. and so yesterday i returned to terengganu with mozie to accompany me. which is good, since it was an easy, no stress driving with plenty of fattening food to accompany us.

i had asked someone to clear the house compound, so it was nice to see no weeds and grasses around. it's hot here in terengganu, hotter than in KL. upon my arrival at the house gate, i saw Pak Wahab, my neighbour on my right (depends on which side you're looking it from), who immediately stopped his car when he saw my car. he looked the same although i hadnt seen him for two years.

the house was, as usual, dirty but still habitable.it's good to be back, and i rummaged through my wardrobe to find kebaya that i couldn't fit in earlier (but now i can!). after meeting Pak Din (the neighbour who helped to clear the weeds) to pay him, mozie and i went to Teluk Ketapang to have ikan celup tepung. the place was more packed than usual. the tauke has expanded the sitting area and there's a tiled floor. i used to remember back in the late 90s, at its humble beginning, the shop only had dirty sand as its floor, a few plastic chairs and tables, and some village goats grazing the grass nearby. very rustic and rudimentary. how things have changed! there're a lot of out of town cars, a testament that the food is good.

at night we went to see a few kain shops, and despite not wanting to spend it on another piece of fabric, i did!

today i hope to settle the things that i've to do.

gossiping

2010-05-25T11:05:00.001+08:00

i'm on duty at school this week, so that means i'm the last person to leave school. and because i was late and tired, i decided to dine out. i went to this one particular restaurant which serves nyonya inspired dishes. the tauke lady is friendly enough, and likes to call female customers "sister".

last evening, though, she really irritated me.

i've always been careful about my food and drink intake, but after the heavy-duty workout and the asam laksa i thought that i deserve a treat. i wanted to have rice. she told me the rice has only turmeric and no coconut milk, and the chicken rendang has little coconut milk in it. drinks? i was tempted to have my favourite Season's iced lemon tea, but i asked for plain water instead. i told her i was watching my sugar intake. she asked me if i have ...? and i said no, i don't have diabetes, i'm on a diet.

"but you're a beautiful lady, why do you need to diet?"

is she blind? i told her i already lost 13kgs. then she commented

"you have lovely skin" and i started to tell her that i'm under medication for my PCOS, and that's why i have smooth skin, but the only thing she caught was " i'm taking pills".

the next thing i knew while i was eating, i heard her talk to a couple who're also eating there. don't you just hate it when you can hear someone discussing you?

and guess what she told the couple - that i'm on slimming pills!

is she crazy? it really irked me that some people think i'll do anything to lose weight. but then these people don't know me, and those who know me, know me that i'll do things the right way - which is why i don't cheat like some other women who are lazy to sweat out and go to slimming centres instead.

that also tells me one thing. that the tauke loves to gossip.

low-fat wholemeal apple cake

2010-05-20T11:40:00.000+08:00

today i baked a healthier version of an apple cake. who says you have to forego the sweetest things in life when you're dieting?

the cake is actually a pound cake, but i changed half of the butter to applesauce. because of the amount of liquid, i reduced the number of eggs to only 1 egg. the cake is actually nice, considering that i sort of threw everything in.

low-fat wholemeal apple cake

60g butter

65g applesauce

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla essence

75g brown sugar (i decreased the sugar since there's sugar in the applesauce)

65g plain flour

60g wholemeal flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

50g raisins

1 granny smith apple, peeled, cored and chopped.

creaming method, bake at 175 C for 35 mins or until baked.

my attempt at making low-fat cookies

2010-05-17T08:19:00.005+08:00

ever since i started my workout regime, i've been in a dilemma. a major dilemma. i love eating, and yet i've to watch what i eat. no more baking cakes, no more donuts, no more sweet drinks. in short, my life has become dull with no frills to entice me and instead i've to eat like a utilitarian or like a patient in a hospital - i eat to survive.

i use no-added sugar peanut butter and jam on my toasts, and eat low-cholesterol eggs instead of ordinary ones.i now love asam laksa and tom yam, instead of heavy curries and all those coconut milk based dishes. no more nasi lemak for me! instead of eating sweet muffins or buns, i make my own healthier version, using applesauce.

last 2 weeks i bought Oat Krunch, and i love the dark chocolate ones, love it so much that i'm willing to bake. of course, i don't know the exact recipe, so i googled. in the end, i found a recipe on Allrecipes, only that it isn't low fat, but i decided to substitute margarine with good old applesauce. i was happy because i put all the goodness in - cocoa, rolled oats, wheat germ and wheat bran, raisins, roasted almonds... the only problem is, the cookies werent crispy. they're chewy and a bit soft in texture.

only a few minutes ago i read an article that says that without fat, the cookies won't crisp. oh great.no wonder i had to bake for god knows how long. well i learnt my lesson. next time i'll use a bit of butter alongside the applesauce.

My No Ong Day

2010-05-02T23:01:00.001+08:00

Note: "ong" is a chinese word which loosely means "luck".

it happened last wednesday, when i was about to enter my class in English Resource Centre. one of the young teachers informed me that my car had a flat tyre. i was worried then and rushed to where i parked, which was near to the boys toilet.

there it was, my car, with one flat tyre. there was also a distinct smell of urine near the tyre. i had just changed all the 4 tyres the previous day. i felt like weeping, but most importantly i felt at loss. and helpless. didn't know what to do. and at that time i wished i had a husband to call to. i panicked and called the honda service centre hoping they could help. the mechanic who answered my call said it'd take him longer to go through the jam to reach the school.

finally i saw another young teacher, the easy-going shidi. i asked for his help, and he helped to change my tyre. as he was changing the tyre, we talked and i came to a conclusion that one of the students must have done it. i remember scolding a group of boys earlier for creating a mayhem at the back of the hall. and i remember that i scolded the same group of boys the previous day for trying to cut Science class.

the incident shook me so badly that i didn't want to go down and supervise the boys going to the surau.

you begin to wonder what's happening to all the kids nowadays. all i want to do is make them realise that there is more to life than just idling their life away not doing anything at school, not bothering to study at all. i want them to feel empowered and be able to change their life. but instead, they retaliated and gave a pay back.

why am i here?

Happy with My Achievement

2010-04-27T11:39:00.001+08:00

going to the gym for the first month is easy for some people. they're too excited with the prospect of losing weight and feeling good. but most of the time the excitement and enthusiasm wanes after that.

i try to be a regular gym goer because i still have a long way to achieve my goal. and so it's a pleasant surprise when a staff commented that i'm so "rajin" to regularly workout at the gym. and what is nicer is when your effort pays off.

it is hard when you think that you need to do cardio for at least 40 minutes then do probably 20-30 minutes of strength training. i thought that jogging on the treadmill will get easier after some time, but it doesn't, since i've to constantly challenge myself and not to lull my body into plateau. that means i'll be out of breath after 10 minutes of jogging, feeling as if i can just drop on the spot. that's the feeling. and, yesterday when i stopped my mp3 player, i was shocked to hear my heavy breathing. but in a way, it's good because you know you're pushing yourself and that means the body fat is burnt.

the abs exercise, though still present a challenge to me, isn't as hard as it used to be, since i know from the wall mirror that my form is correct. that means i don't look like a klutz hehehe. when it comes to strength training i know which weight to use, and how much my body can take it.

although i'm happy there is still a thing that is bothering me, which is fatigue! i can't run away from that unfortunately.

p.s. lost another 1.5kg in the span of a week

The Best of Times while Travelling

2010-04-18T09:59:00.003+08:00

last night i was watching a show on Discovery Travel &Living. it was anthony bourdain's list of memorable dishes all around the world, and i thought i wanted to do the same here, but this is a list of my favourite moments at favourite places while travelling, in no particular order.

1. The visit to Victoria Market, Melbourne

what i love about this market is they sell a lot of stuff here. there are pastry shops, shops selling pastas, sausages, sweets, nuts and the wet market that sells fresh produce. i love the smell of peaches and fresh basil. i think i must have visited the market every day for the 5-day stay there. i fell in love with the almond croissant, or croissant with custard cream.

2. The Visit to Camden Market, London

Camden market is a market to go to if you want to buy souvenirs and curios. i had crepes and the most wonderful orange juice here (for one pound sterling). actually, the taste of the orange juice stood out from the rest of the sensations when i was at the market.

3. Praying at Masjidil Haram

this is a dream of every Muslim, to be able to perform umrah and haj, and to be able to devote oneself solely for Allah in the holiest of place on earth. it was a surreal experience, especially when i saw the Kaabah. i felt at peace here especially during jamaah prayers when the imam's voice reverberate throughout the mosque. unfortunately though, cameras aren't allowed inside the grounds, but i managed to find a picture online.this was where impure thoughts are given swift retribution (i experienced that myself) and miracles also happened (i also experienced this on 2 occasions). Allahu akbar!

4. Praying at Masjid Nabawi (The Prophet's Mosque)

The guards here are very strict! as usual, cameras aren't allowed inside the mosques (or risk being turned away from the mosque). i love the place because this is where the Prophet is buried, and next to his tomb is Raudhah, the Eden on Earth.this was where i prayed so that my umrah would be done smoothly without any obstacles.

5. The visit to Chateau de Versailles

ever since my sister showed me the pictures of the chateau during her European tour, i had this dream that if i ever reached paris, i'd visit the chateau. and i did! it didn't matter that my tour guide was a lovely young French girl who spoke heavily French accented English and that it took all my concentration to understand her - to be in the palace of King Louis XIV was enough! i love the Hall of Mirrors, which

was what the Sun King wanted - to inspire awe.

6. The Visit to Stonehenge,Salisbury

I must say that when Astro introduced the Discovery Travel & Living channel, i was and still am addicted to it. and it's because of this channel i was introduced to many wonderful and historical sites, such as this world wide famous megaliths. when we were nearing the place, i gave a cry, as i couldn't believe that i was actually there. of course, we couldn't get near the rocks, but it was amazing how those ancient people could bring the blue stones from 200 miles away. and how on earth did they erect those megaliths without modern cranes and stuff?

7. The Visit to the Rose Garden at Hampton Court

i wanted to visit King Henry the VII's palace, but because we were there early in the morning, we could only stroll in its Rose Garden. i love roses, and i felt like a little girl lost in a candy store.wish i could bring back the rose cuttings, but of course i couldn't.

8. Seeing the Wild Red Poppies on the hills of English and French countryside.

unfortunately though, i didn't take any pics because the bus was moving. this is taken from the net. i was hoping to see daffodils, just like Wordsworth described it in his Daffodils poem, so imagine my pleasant surprise when i saw a sea of red poppies on the hills as we passed through the English and French countryside.

9. The Climb Up The Great Wall of China

this pic was taken when i was at my heaviest (sigh). my tourist guide kept asking me if i was a mongolian, and a lot of Chinese talked to me in Mandarin, which of course, i don't speak. what is amazing was that the great wall withstands the test of time and is still there even after more than a thousand years. some engineering feat, huh?

10. Seeing La Tour Eiffel

now, who doesn't recognise this structure which is one of the most famous landmarks in the world? when i was in Paris, the Moroccan receptionist took us to this site and what took my breath away (despite the chilly air) was the fact that the lights glitter every hour. it's like there are thousands of diamonds there.

11. Shopping and eating in Bangkok

bangkok is one of the nicest places for Malaysians to shop. of course, it's a busy city just like KL, only that street food is everywhere that you wonder if it's contaminated what with all the fumes and smoke all around. what i love about bangkok is its tom yam (i tasted 3 kinds of tom yam, and thanks to Anne's friend who works in Bangkok and can speak Thai, the tom yam wasn't too sour or too spicy, to suit my sensitive stomach. i also love the paad thai and the stir-fry vegetable. i took the tuk tuk ride, and the driver was a nice man who spoke little English, so that in the end, we're like ducks and chickens talking and not really understanding each other. on the last day of my trip, i saw a row of beautiful lotuses in front of a bank. couldn't resist a shot.

every place makes you think of the people who live there, who lived there thousands of years ago, their culture and their beliefs. it makes one understand the diversity of cultures and thoughts - and at the same time how we are similar to each other.

The Letter from the Scholarship Div

2010-04-11T09:15:00.004+08:00

in the quest of making myself happy and moving forward in my life, i had to request the Scholarship Div to check on my contract with the M.o.E status. the malay has a saying "hendak seribu daya tak nak seribu dalih" meaning "if you want something, then you make a thousand efforts, if you don't want it, you make a thousand excuses". my letter was missing somewhere in M.o.E, so i had to personally hand deliver the letter to the officer in charge. it's not easy to go to Putrajaya to do it, but i did it.

well, i received the letter from the officer yesterday. i did a rough calculation and thought that my contract ends in august, but i had a pleasant surprise when i read that the contract ends on 31st May. yay! i can decide what to do with my life after that, with full support from my family and friends.

like what gina said last night " you've been getting a lot of good news lately". good things come to those who wait.

The Letter

2010-04-08T10:08:00.002+08:00

last tuesday started badly. i had 6 periods of classes, and that also included screaming at some of the boys. my head of panel broke to me the bad news - that we have to hold an English workshop for the good students just because, well, just because the Science Panel did it last week, and that somebody didn't want the HM to think he has slackened. how nice. somebody made an error, and somebody else has to do the dirty job.

and so i came home feeling miserable, because i had to prepare a powerpoint presentation. as usual i checked the mail. and suddenly there was a letter addressed to me, with Lembaga Tabung Haji stamp on it. i was thinking, "Oh well, may be they just wanted to inform me that i've enough money to go to Mekah"

But, it wasn't so. instead, it reads "Tawaran Menunaikan Haji Tahun 1431H/2010M (Terpilih)" (An Offer to Perform Haj in the year 1431 Hijjrah/2010 AD (Chosen)). suddenly there's a wide smile on my face. bigger than the Cheshire cat's. my neighbour was watering his plants and noticed me smiling "apa tu kak?" and i informed him. reality checked in, and suddenly, i was jumping like a school girl!!

it felt good. it really felt good. it's a surreal feeling, more than when i received my M.A cert from HR Raja Nazrin, just like the time when i saw Kaabah for the first time. only 0.01% Malaysians are chosen to perform haj every year, and now i'm one of them.

Alhamdulillah.

My Rest Day

2010-03-31T17:04:00.009+08:00

all this while, i was puzzled by my constant fatigue spells. i wondered if it was because of my weight, as the body fat analysis machine i stepped on last year recorded my biological age as 59 (that was before i started losing weight). but then it can't be, since i've been going to the gym religiously. one should feel healthy and energised, right?

my friend Iris commented that i looked fresh when i met her last week. that made me happy.

but i still feel tired, and sometimes in the morning, after an 8 hour sleep, i still feel like i can do with some more snooze time.

yesterday i had a meeting. and i had to present a financial report. those who know me well know that numbers and i don't go along. i'm a language and literature expert, not a mathematician. and so i was struggling to finish the report when i felt the vein in my temple swell and throb (aka as migraine). went to school with the pain still throbbing. presented the report, which paled in comparison to the other treasurer's report (which is much much detailed, and presented in 3 different ways, along with receipt numbers to prove). mine looked rudimentary. but never mind, she's a math teacher.

the lesson went well until my last class, with 3 jokers there to irritate me with their lack of interest in studies (and they're half literate) and the fact that i had to shout on top of my lungs since the little kids (the form 1 students) at the next block were cheering their friends who were playing sepak takraw like mad . with all the ruckus, i couldn't cope, especially since i was trying to explain to the class a chapter in The Phantom of the Opera.

at the end of school day, i told my colleague Dayang i wanted to unwind. but i was too tired to go to KLCC for some shopping therapy. slept early, and hoped that i'd be fresh the next day.

wrong.

i was dead tired. woke up for subuh prayer, had breakfast, and by 9am i felt sleepy again. that meant i was tired. to make it worse, i felt the temple throbbing again, and this time the migraine spread to my left side of the head. i ignored the pain and got ready to go to the gym. by the time i got in the car, i was undecided whether to go to the gym and later to work or to take an MC. i was already at the LRT station when i asked myself

"Can i jog on the treadmill in this condition?"

Honestly, no.

"Can i teach in this condition?"
i don't like to teach when i don't feel well. the students can feel it.

and so, i went to the clinic. my blood pressure reading was good. okay, that's a big relief, since i've been watching my diet and going to the gym. but the big question was, why do i have this constant fatigue? so i asked the doctor. his answer? mental tiredness. that, and also the stress of living in KL.

so today i spent the entire day resting and not going anywhere, not even to MaxValu. i feel refreshed now, and at least i know that it's because of stress i feel this way.

makes me think of my hometown - the sea air, the fresh fish, and no traffic congestion. if only, if only.

The Meeting with Friends

2010-03-19T23:15:00.004+08:00

today when i visited my close friend Dr As i asked her if there's something wrong with me, and if i have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. she said no. thank god for that. and i asked her again, "then why do i feel this way? is there something wrong with me?"

well, what is wrong with me? the normal answer would be i've been rushing everywhere from breakfast to preparing to go to the gym AND to school, then off i go to the gym, working out a sweat or two (i never seem to sweat like those mat sallehs...or this one lady who obviously looks like she's spent her entire life in the gym) on the treadmill or the elliptical trainer then the weight training...then head off to the locker room and take a quick shower, then walking quickly, take the LRT and then drive to school. and that doesn't include screaming at the disobedient boys who think that learning is a bore. but anyway, after some quiet days at home, i had to make a visit to the MOE in putrajaya yesterday to hand deliver some documents to an officer. i went with my friend mozie, because i knew if i went alone, i'd be screaming or i'd be driving slow and people would honk at me because of my T reg. no. and also, i didn't want to get lost in parcel E.

the morning started when i had to go to school to show my head of panel the books that i've chosen for my students for the Reading Programme. then i went to pick Mozie at her house, and then we're off to putrajaya. it seems that now there's "park and ride" where people can park at a spacious parking lot (situated in front of SAS) and then take a bus ride to their destinations in putrajaya. we arrived at Parcel E alright, only to discover that we had to walk a long way to reach Blok E12. and it was noon. mozie was already texting our tesl friends working in putrajaya. when we reached the block, i called the officer to inform her that we've arrived. try and guess her answer:

"cikgu, saya kat E2"

what??

and so, looking like people lost in the desert, we made our way, and once we're in the building we loved the air cond so much. after the meeting, we took the bus back to the parking lot, and drove to Alamanda, since mozie said she had never gone there before. yes we had lunch and met up with Daliey (who looks the same), and after she'd gone back to the office, we met Elly (who also looks the same, slim as ever), who was having lunch with her son. after chit chatting for awhile, we made a move because i didn't want to be caught in the jam at MRR2.

that night i had tuition class with the boys until nearly 11pm. i was sleepy, they were sleepy. but i was disappointed with them so i gave them a long lecture.

and this morning i woke up with a migraine.

great.

so i was late going to the gym. i was dead tired after the workout, but i promised to meet As, and so i kept my promise. i didn't talk much and wasn't my usual chirpy self, and she knew why. that's when i started asking her about the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

"you do not have the syndrome, nora"

then she launched into a medical talk. okay. she said it's normal to be this tired, and related to me the hadiths she read regarding the wives of the Prophet who were given specific house chores to do, instead of one person doing everything all at once like what we modern women are doing now.

i feel so relieved with her answer. and so i was lying on the carpet there, unceremoniously, and we talked and talked until she got up to knead the doughnut dough in front of me (since she said i was too tired to get up) and asked me for tips and pointers on how to knead the dough properly. the doughnuts turned out perfect!

after tea, i returned home. yes, i'm tired.

on sunday i'll be meeting my former MA coursemates elison and iris and it'll be fun catching up with people who've been with me when i went through blood, sweat and tears to finish the course (because they also went through hell to finish it).

and only then i'll begin the school week. screaming again...

The Past Revisited

2010-03-14T11:10:00.003+08:00

"it's too painful"

those were the last words my ex bf said to me when we parted a decade ago. i had asked him if we could remain friends.

i was jolted by a familiar name this morning while reading the comments posted on my friend's status update in FB.

i haven't really thought of him these past few years. he's like a distant memory, like he's from my past life.

and it is such a small world when i found out his family members are connected to some of the people who are linked to me.

i found his sister's FB. i shouldn't have peeked, it's like opening Pandora's box. i was searching for his face, even though i know i shouldn't have. but i did. he's not changed at all. except that he has children, although i don't know which ones are his.

i'm not going to say that the children could have been mine, because truthfully, we can't live together as husband and wife. back then, i was naive, ignorant, and stupid but now i'm wiser and i can fight my own battles.

i don't know if i still love him. but then, it doesn't matter. he's right though, it's too painful to remain friends.

Preparation for the Greatest Spiritual Journey

2010-03-13T22:06:00.007+08:00

i think among the greatest moments in my life was when i chose to leave my jahiliyyah days and returned to the right path. it's not easy, since temptations are always around. but Allah gave me his blessings and guided me. before, i felt soiled, unclean and not worthy. but after the realisation, i felt blessed, and loved. and at peace.

the first spiritual journey i made revealed to me the wonders of Masjidil Haram and Baitullah. upon entering the Holy City, i wept when i recited the talbiyyah, because i was humbled by it. if there is one thing that can make me weep any time of the day, that is the talbiyyah. i'm so moved by it. the Kaabah was magnificent, and it was kind of surreal when i looked at it for the first time. i was there, finally!! to be able to do tawaf there on the white marble floor, circling the kaabah, and to pray in the greatest mosque in the world - it's an honour. and it was there that i experienced 2 miracles, of which i'm not going to mention here.

now, i miss the peace. because i'm struggling!

in preparation for another journey, i find that learning the most basic knowledge helps. but knowledge alone doesn't help. it has to come with khusyu' in prayers, which i'm still struggling at, sad to say. backsliding is so easy. it's not easy to be good. it's even easier to disobey, like a rebellious teenager. but then, for how long are we going to act like teens?

today i attended the first session of the course, and when the presenter recited the talbiyyah i wept again. i think the next time i backslide, i will remember the talbiyyah and my true objective.

Labaik allahhummala bayk
"here i am, O Allah, here i am!"

Baking Mode part deux: the tragedy

2010-03-06T18:07:00.002+08:00

so this morning while i was making the bread i realised that i could only be able to eat it at 10.30am and i was already hungry! i had some bananas and decided to make banana muffins. the recipe i have calls for bran but i only have regular oats. so i happily made the muffins, and despite the fact that i don't really trust and like baking soda, i added the exact amount as stated in the recipe. it also calls for milk. and i have fresh milk in the fridge. i was even thinking of being a good neighbour and sending some muffins to my neighbours.

in no time the kitchen smelled of sweet banana. i was so hungry! i had four muffins and was quite disappointed because the baking soda taste was overpowering. well, that killed the idea of sending some to the neighbours.

only after eating did i remember that i've been suffering gastric pain these past few days because of the fresh milk. i had stopped drinking milk for almost a year now, and only re-introduced it to my diet a few days ago.

i remember thinking that i'd be lucky if i could escape the pain today.

i was wrong. the gastric pain "kicked" in at 2.30p.m (i felt like someone kicking my tummy) and though i'm not writhing in pain, it stopped all my favourite activities which include baking and my gym workout.

it reminds me of what kak sham told me weeks ago that she once laughed at our dear late mother for joint aches after eating her favourite nangka, and now we as the children who are growing older also have the same problem she once had.

a painful reminder that we are not invincible and most importantly, that we are not young anymore.

Baking Mode

2010-03-06T13:25:00.002+08:00

there's nothing on at school this weekend and i'm so glad. i'm in a celebratory mood, and decided to do what i love, which is baking. i used to bake loaves of bread once upon a time. but because of tiredness and frequent gym trips (therefore, time constraint) before going to school, i don't bake anymore.

i'm bored of using the recipe i've been using for years, which is Amish white bread, so i decided to use Delia Smith's recipe from her book The Complete Cookery Course. this recipe uses less sugar than Amish bread recipe, and less fat too. however, the dough took a long time to rise as it was a cloudy morning. but whatever it is, nothing beats the smell of homemade bread.

the trip to singapore

2010-03-05T11:07:00.011+08:00

my niece Gina laughed when i told her i was going to singapore. "there's nothing in singapore la mak nora". for malaysians obviously, a trip to singapore is just blase' as singapore is practically next door. as for me, i just wanted to add another immigration stamp in my passport. what made it exciting was that a few teachers and i decided to go there via Senandung Malam and we booked sleeping berths. i always feel that travelling in a train gives a more sense of adventure than the normal air travel does. the train stopped for an immigration check at Woodlands. reminds me of the time when i was on my way to Paris via the English Channel and we had to stop for an immigration check at Dover. after the check the train continued its journey until we arrived at the KTM station at Tanjong Pagar. at last! the best thing is that we're in foreign soil and were still able to talk in Bahasa and be understood. our first agenda of the day was to have breakfast at the mamak restaurant at the station. i had puri. not as good as the Jalan Ipoh puris though. after the meal and shower at the station, we decided to go to Sentosa Island. actually i'm not big on theme parks. along the way i noticed the slight differences in the singaporean scenes - the signboards are in English, and the roads are clean. and there are no lepakers. not familiar with the MRT routes, we had to ask around until we met with a Malaysian chap who's originally from Taiping! he was very helpful and obliging so we followed him to Sentosa. i pity the girlfriend though, i'm sure she was thinking he had no business assisting 6 Malaysian ladies while they're on a date! we took the MRT to Harbour Front and then took a ride to the island. it was a hot, hot day and i was thankful that i put on the sunblock. originally we wanted to go to Universal Studios but it's still not open. there's a Hershey's store though, and i was in there for awhile. we then went to Raffles Place to see the famous Singaporean landmark, the Merlion. at this point, we're practically dragging our feet, because the knapsack and the afternoon sun were taking a toll on us. anyway, i was disappointed to discover that the merlion was small. the Langkawi eagle is much much bigger than this. we then went to find Masjid Sultan at Arab Street and hoped to find some cheap halal restaurants. we were so tired that we ate at the nearest shop. after some sustenance we prayed at Masjid Sultan and earned stares from some Singaporean ladies. probably because we were tired and were lying on the carpeted floor after prayers. in the late afternoon after our energy had somewhat been recharged, we wondered in and out the souvenir shops along Arab Street. i didn't buy anything since i didn't see anything that shouted "uniquely singaporean". kak sham told me the silks were cheap there. actually the fabric prices are the same as those in Malaysia. it was maghrib, and we hurriedly went back to KTM station. had dinner and showered and finally it's back on the train. bad news - our coach was at the back and so we could literally hear the engines working underneath the floor. and throughout the night we were serenaded by loud bumping sounds. that didn't deter us from sleeping soundly because we were too tired to care.

The Idea....

2010-02-22T06:46:00.003+08:00

the last entry triggered this entry, because there are a lot of things that i wish i can do in my life, that in the past i used to confuse myself with the idea and reality.

for instance, i love to cook. but i'm not that great like Nigella Lawson or Julia Child or Martha Stewart. i like the idea of cooking because it's very therapeutic. i love the smell of freshly baked goods like cakes and breads, and i love the idea of rolling the pastry to make croissants from scratch. but then, reality only stops at baking and cooking for survival - because even though i know how to make croissant, the thought of folding the pastry for a few times makes me cringe. plus, i must have ample time to do it.

and i love the idea of having a garden. when i was in terengganu i would buy a lot of plants - i used to have asters, roses, dianthuses, water iris, petunias and chrysanthemums. but that's just it. i just love the idea. at that time, my late mother would point that out to me and told me to stop buying plants.

and i love the idea of having a cat. i used to have a lot. my most beloved cat would be Fluffy, who died on 25th march 2007. he's a persian and was so adorable. but then i had a maid to feed him and clear his litter. for almost a year now i've been toying with the idea. but then i had to take a reality check. i can't take care of a persian on my own now.

and the greatest idea? to travel and have unlimited financial sources in order to do it. that'd make my day.

ah, the idea, the idea...

Tiring Monday

2010-02-16T06:42:00.006+08:00

thank god yesterday's the second day of Chinese New Year. the road was virtually empty (that's a dream coming true for every KL driver). there weren't any firecrackers either. wait, there was once in the night when i heard it for probably less than a minute.

anyway, the holidays means that i can do some spring cleaning. abang najib said he's coming over to get rid of the bushes at the back of the house, but he and kak dah cancelled. so it's just me and me. the problem of staying here is the maintenance, which i'm not really good at. that also extends to gardening, and because both abang najib and kak dah have masters degree in horticulture, they used their knowledge in designing the small garden with a fibreglass fish pond. i come from a family of green fingers, and i often joke that our ancestors must have been farmers planting vegetables in China, but then - i only love the idea of gardening. not the actual gardening. this my late mother knew so well because back in terengganu in the happier days, i would buy loads of roses, dianthuses, asters, chrysanthemums - but i had a bibik to take care of them.

so you can just imagine how pathetic the garden looks now - abang najib's manicured lawn isn't manicured anymore, i'm just waiting for those bangladeshis to come and mow the lawn. his usually well-kept well manicured bougainvilleas are nothing of the sort, you can see a few long branches here and there. at the back of the house, some vines have creeped on another bougainvillea and the tiles were dirty.

so guess what i did? took the scateurs and snipped, snipped and snipped. the bushes are still there though, that's a man's work. and i washed the dirty tiles. and i'm proud of myself.

i wanted to sweep and mop the floor, but by that time i called it a day, showered god knows for how many times because of the heat, and watched Glee.

in the evening, Sazi came over after her meeting with Linda Jasmine and Dr Fazley, and she watched me bake a sponge cake and later we went to have an early dinner at my favourite indian stall at jalan ipoh. ah, a nice place to have puri with fish curry. divine.

visiting the family

2010-02-15T07:25:00.008+08:00

on saturday (while i was attending a boring and unnecessary course at school, and it was the first day of the Chinese New Year hols for god's sake!) inas called me to say that zek was holding a tahlil at his new house in denai alam. i was excited, and promised her to go.

i called kak sham to ask if she's going, because i'd be lost if i went alone (i've never been to denai alam, and though it's not as jin bertendang as ijok jaya, i know i'll just cry if i'm stuck there on guthrie highway). kak sham wasn't keen on going, and only after she heard that kak dah was going that she changed her mind. i was to come to her house at kelana jaya at 9am, and from there we would proceed to denai alam.

well, we got lost. the names there are all scientific terms like elektron and neutron and metafasa. don't have any aesthetic value, do they?

but finally we found the house, like my brother in-law said with a straight face, "look for the house with many mercedeses parked outside."

my brothers were there, except for my favourite brother who's currently in madinah, and also my eldest sister in-law's family and her mother, who reminded me so much of my late mother. the mc for the tahlil was my nephew didi, who abang mi dubbed as "the gentle bear".

the food was superb, of course, and i enjoyed the food tremendously (don't i always). there's nasi tomato with the works and also daging dendeng, and of all the food that i had, i was impressed with the cake sandwich i had. it's just a simple cake, 2 layer-cake with strawberry jam. i like it so much that i went on my fav recipe sites to find the recipe. it's not a dense cake, therefore it's not a butter cake, so it can't be the usual victoria sponge sandwich, so i think it's a sponge cake made with sponge mix. and i intend to try it one of these days.

kak sham wanted me to tag along to a wedding, but she went too soon, and i found myself in kak dah's car going to abang halim's house at sg buloh. abang halim loves the rustic life, so he has a house in a kampung, with fruit trees all around. he loves doing the DIY projects and at the moment he is tiling his house himself. i knew he does it himself because i could see the smudges on the black tiles at the gate, and he told us that as he was tiling the house he found out that his house isn't perfectly horizontal. it was noon and very hot, and so we had a mat spread outside and lounged on it while sipping iced cold ribena and eating sweet mangoes.

it was later in the afternoon that i made my way back to ampang, feeling too full with all the rich spread. the gym was closed, so i had to do my own workout without the help of any machines *sigh*

Julie/Julia

2010-02-07T11:50:00.007+08:00

i've been meaning to watch the movie ever since i saw the trailer somewhere on TV...can't remember what's the programme. anyhow, i watched the movie on this lovely sunday morning (because we only have one day to rest this weekend, thanks to the school day replacement yesterday) and i love it! who wouldn't? it's a movie about Julie Powell who set a deadline for a year to cook the entire 500+ recipes from Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. it was 2002 and Julie Powell wrote her culinary experiences in her blog, which was quite a novelty way back then (i mean blogging). the blog is still available, should any of the readers want to read it http://blogs.salon.com/0001399/2002/08/30.html the movie is about 2 stories - from 21st century US, portraying Julie (played by Amy Adams) and her life and 1949-50s Paris portraying Julia Child (played by Meryl Streep, who does a good job of talking just like Julia). i love the part when Julia arrives in Paris and takes in delight when she eats fish cooked in butter. and i love it because Julie finally undergoes a self-discovery through her cooking, inspiring people to do what they love and to learn from it.

a must see for all foodies. you'll be inspired.

p.s. wish i could enrol in that le cordon bleu school in paris

it hurts!

2010-02-03T22:36:00.003+08:00

When another teacher at school lost a considerable amount of weight in just 3 months, i felt very threatened. well, she didn't go on a crash diet. like me, she goes to the gym. but unlike me, she has a personal trainer. that's the difference.

and so, i feel very dissatisfied with my body (duh, when do i really feel satisfied in the first place?). i'm not going to pay rm1.2k for a personal trainer, so lately i've been doing a lot of reading about workouts on the net. i know i should do something with my still-bulging tummy and also my butt. and legs. i just found out on Oprah that i have what is called "cankles". in other words, not so defined legs. that's why my legs look more like tree stump than a ballerina's graceful long legs.

and so today, armed with workout pics saved in my handphone, i made my way to the gym, determined to alter my workout.

for starters, do u know that walking up the hill is one of the best exercise for your butt? the gym equivalent of it is to walk on incline mode and to increase the % of the incline. that's what i did, and not long after i hit the scale 6, i had to decline since i was huffing and puffing (though not that vigorously). i did some other lower half body workouts, and at that time i did with such fervour, hoping that in time my thick thighs and legs will be smaller and toned. i was satisfied with myself.

but a few hours later, the aftermath is quite unexpected. my cheeks feel so sore (not the cheeks on your face) that to sit on a pillow of soft cushion or feathers will be very nice.

my nephew zainal called it "a literal pain in the a$$"

the 1st anniversary and teaching

2010-01-27T06:36:00.004+08:00

25th january marked the 1st anniversary of my mother's passing. though the thought of it makes me glum, i can't help but think that Allah has also given my family joy, because my close niece Gina gave birth to a baby girl on the same day.

because of the anniversary, we held a tahlil on saturday night at abg zaki's house. the food was superb, since he catered from Al-Rawshah. we had mutton and chicken mundy rice that night, which was not good news for those who have high cholesterol level. the theme of the main meal might be arabic, but the dessert was western influenced - since intan was trained in London, so we had tiers of profiteroles (cream puffs) and tartlets, while janna made english trifle.

there are times when i think of my mother, but i don't feel as sad as before. yes, the death of our parents will affect us in the most profound way, but truthfully speaking, we should also celebrate life. at the time i'm thinking of this, the image of my 4 month old grandnephew Aidil comes to my mind - a sweet-natured baby that just melts anyone's heart.

in school too, though i'm busy and lamenting the amount of work to be done with no-compromise deadlines (and still frustrated with the amount of work given in an any typical wilayah school), i find joy in teaching the students. i'm grateful for my head of panel who understands that it is not easy to "fall" from teaching the upper forms to the lower forms. she gave me form 2 classes, and one of them is the best class. i'm happy to be able to teach them the way i taught in SS. and i know they're happy too, judging from the enthusiastic response after i taught them how to make their essays interesting. good students always love challenges. and i'm happy to oblige them. the other two classes are okay, and i also teach the classes which have slow learners. it's very challenging too, when 3/4 of the class can read and the other 1/4 can't really understand what you're saying or what they're reading. which is why i told my head of panel that i'm conducting a personal project - a reading programme. my students will read books according to their level of proficiency, which i hope in time will help to speed up their reading, expand their vocabulary and to have the confidence to speak.

sounds easy? not really. but i know that i'm born to be an educator, and so i will enlighten the young ones's minds.

Busy n busier

2010-01-22T17:12:00.002+08:00

this week has been the busiest for me, until it affected me. i'm down with fever, and even though there are tonnes of work to be done (literally) i had to take an MC or drop dead at school (not literally i hope). plus, anyone who hears my voice knows that i'm sick.

i was on the verge of breaking down during the course yesterday, but i had to force my body to wait just a bit longer since i had to get all the necessary information before we conduct the in-house training for the other english teachers at school.

that's just 1 worry. there's the cross country race tomorrow. i'm the team manager since i'm the ketua rumah. how am i supposed to call the little ones if i cant shout? then there's the SMM where i've to key in the students information. which obviously i can't do now that i'm sick. that's supposed to be due on tuesday.

i'm tired of doing the clerical work. in fact, i think there's a lot of clerical work to be done in school compared to the actual teaching. so why are we called teachers in the first place?

The Afternoon Session

2010-01-14T07:25:00.002+08:00

the migration from the morning to the afternoon session is not that simple.

you have to be prepared mentally and re-adjust all your routines. i was just about to do that when all the other "duties" beckoned and forced me to forgo my gym visits. so my schedule went haywire. not to mention i also went haywire.

i'm head of one of the sports house (hate it!) and the teachers in my house were telling me to do this and that. the last thing i wanted to do was to go to school as early as 8am... you have to remember by the time i leave school, it'll be close to 7pm.

i'm also the treasurer for the kelab guru. the president of the club was smirking last year when he distributed the ballots for this year's committee, since he was positive i would make it to the committee. it irritated me to see his smirk, because in my 12 year service i've been in the committee of kelab guru 3 times (one of the presidents died while in service), and plus this year, it's my 4th. and by the way, i'm hopeless with numbers. they must be daft for choosing me as the treasurer. and the responsibilities of the treasurer at my school is a lot!

so i went and still go through the days in a daze. too many things to do.

on the bright side though, the teaching is okay, because i'm teaching the younger kids. but that also means i've to bear with their childish antics. the first class is a reminiscent of SS students and i'm so thankful for my head of panel for slotting that class for me. but the rest, well...that's a different story.

in summary, surviving, but wishing that i could be teaching somewhere else.

Somewhere Out There (click on this to view Judy Garland singing the song in The Wizard of Oz)

2009-12-30T20:45:00.001+08:00

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

My 2009

2009-12-30T11:33:00.002+08:00

2009 isn't a good year for me. it's one of the worst in fact. most of you who have been following my blog would know this.

i thought that moving to KL to be near my family would make this year a good year. i was dead wrong.

in late january, my mother passed away at Damansara Specialist Hospital. i was in denial, because despite all the reprimands i got from her, and despite my inadequate attention to her, i realised that she loved me the most and i couldn't bear seeing her go.

death of a loved one changes one forever.

to distract myself, i went to Bangkok with Anne, and had fun shopping there. in june, i went to China with Mozie, sort of discovering my roots there. a lot of the Chinese stared at me, out of curiosity i guess, since i look like a Chinese but don't behave like one. many spoke Mandarin to me. obviously i didn't understand anything. the highlight of the tour was the climb up the Great Wall.

i'm not going to write about my school, because i'll be repeating myself here. only that it's different than what i'm used to. and it turned me into a disillusioned person.

i know that i'm a person ruled by emotions. when i'm happy, you'll know it because i'll be talking non-stop and when i'm upset, i'll be like a cloudy day. when i'm happy about something, then everything is okay - my self-esteem, my confidence. i'm a better teacher. without it, everything goes down.

worst of all, the person i looked up to isn't what i thought she was. she tried to sell us the idea of equality, camaraderie and respect among members but i discovered that underneath that facade, it's back to that basal perception. i was devastated.

and so, with all the disappointments and the grief, i've nothing to smile about.

on second thought, i do have something to be proud of. after looking at my pics taken in China, i decided to join a fitness centre. it was something i would never do in the past. but the reality show The Biggest Loser helped me see that it's possible. and so, despite the slow progress, i held on, and endured, and now i'm proud to say that in June i could only walk on the treadmil at 4.5kmph, but now i jog at 6.4kmph. who would have thought it, me, jogging?!!

i can control my happiness. and i hope i'll be able to do so in 2010.

that's my new year resolution.

to be happy.

Girls Day Out (and an adventure)

2009-12-25T17:10:00.003+08:00

it's not everyday that i go out with my friends, and i had fun yesterday.

our tesl friend Kirah came down from Penang to visit K.Nan, and since she's about to start her M.ed dissertation, she wanted to visit the uni libraries in KL. and since i did my MA in UM, K.Nan requested that i be the guide to UM. mozie also decided to follow.

and so, before 9am yesterday, i could hear K.Nan's merry voice calling me from outside. off we went, and soon i was infected by K.Nan northern dialect and before i knew it i was also switching to northern dialect (and not doing a good job of it).

it was noisy in the car, and it was fun.

when kirah and her friend went to the library, mozie, k.nan and i went to have morning snack at one of the cafes. mozie brought her netbook along. when you put 3 teslians together, all you can hear is laughter, oblivious to the fact that none of us are UM students (me, my alma mater) and that we don't have the right to make such ruckus there. hmm...may be ruckus is a harsh word. merry making? that sounds nicer.

after the long break, we made our move to the library, hoping that kirah would be done in time for us to have lunch at MidValley. i must say the library looks a little bit different than the last time i went there (duh! that was like, 6 years ago?). we sat on the modern red sofas facing the glass door entrance, with kak nan talking loudly as usual and mozie putting on her make up in the process. after a while, an arab man sat beside k.nan. she was lamenting how she wanted to do masters and i suggested that we go to IPS to get the forms. off we went to IPS.

the postgrad students were registering and that brought back memories - of long queues, some helpful and also sullen and rude officers. we went to the main office and i was surprised to learn that we can download the form online...wah!

on the way back to the library mozie suddenly exclaimed "Oh my God!" and, noting her alarm both of us asked what's the matter. MOZIE'S NETBOOK WASN'T THERE!!

we reasoned that she must have left it at the library. so we went back to check. and guess what? IT WASN'T THERE! another arab man was there and he told us that he's been sitting there for the past 20 mins and there was no sign of any netbook. we went to talk to the security guard. who probably thought that this wasn't an urgent matter, judging from his lack of enthusiasm and unwillingness to help (i wonder why he took this job in the first place). we immediately suspected the arab man and wanted to see the video caught on cctv. the librarian told us to file a report at the security office first then we can view the video footage at the library. off we went to 12th College and after a few mins of filing a report, we went back to the library. we viewed the video and saw the arab man leaving with an extra object.

it was a big blow. i felt sorry for mozie because her brother bought it for her in the US and refusing to believe that it's gone, i still looked under the red sofa, just in case the netbook was somewhere there.

by the time we arrived at midvalley it was nearly 4pm. we had a late lunch at Madam Kwan. sazi called and told us to wait for her. after sazi arrived, the group split into 2 and sazi, mozie and i spent more than 1 hour going in and out of jewellery shops. i was salivating.

we called it a day nearly 9pm.

exhausted. but quite a day.

Save Our World - what you can do

2009-12-22T13:00:00.003+08:00

i'm not one of those passionate Greenpeace people who are willing to go all the way to protect earth. but in my own small way, i do contribute to conserving our environment.

one thing i notice about us the malaysians is that we don't have that i-don't-care/tak kisah attitude. before you get upset and let anger control your brain, please allow me to explain.

we love to shop. and when we shop, we use a lot of plastic bags. most of us know that plastic bags are non-biodegrable goods. and yet we use them, we dispose of them indiscriminately. and that's not all, we love the disposable plates and cups. unless they're made of paper, they are all non-biodegrable.

last few nights i sat watching the Oprah Show. the topic was on environmental issues. they showed some disturbing pictures. pictures that i can't forget. imagine seeing a stork stuck in a plastic wrapper and a turtle who is deformed because its body is stuck in a bottle. imagine seeing turtles dying because the little babies thought that plastic bags are food. imagine seeing whales getting breast cancer. cousteau said that the whales are the yardstick in measuring how serious the environmental pollutions are.

why should we bother?

because we're a part of the chain. you upset one, you upset all. you kill the animals and the plants, then what do we have left? how are we going to survive?

SO START CARING!!!!

certain countries have banned plastic bags. when i was in China, the Watson branches charge customers if they ask for plastic bags. we don't do that in Malaysia.

i like to bring my reusable shopping bag when i go grocery shopping. at first it was hard, because the plastic bags are always there at the counter and they are really convenient. but after awhile i'm so used to carrying my groceries in my bag that i feel awkward if i forget the bag and have to use plastic ones. sad to say, not many use reusable shopping bags. i cringe whenever i see someone leaving MaxValu with many many plastic bags. selfish uncaring people!

most supermarkets sell their own reusable shopping bags. i have one from Cold Storage, Jusco and Giant. i have no problem with Cold Storage and Jusco, but i had problems with Giant. but that's a different story.

So what can you do to conserve environment, as caring Malaysians?

1. Always bring your reusable shopping bags. don't say "i forgot" and "plastic bags are more convenient" it's so easy to give excuses, isn't it?

2. if you go to fastfood restaurants, ask them for paperbags instead of plastic bags. i did that at McDonald's.

3. if you have to ta pao food, bring your own food container. don't give me that "i forgot" crap again.

4. go paperless. this is the time to access your phone and credit card bills online. better still, do online banking!! you save time, fuel, and obviously money.

5. bring your own bottle of water. stop buying bottled water. you'll end up throwing the plastic bottles. remember they are non-biodegradable.

these are the things that i always do.

remember, there is only ONE environment.

important links

How you live your life makes a difference to our environment

11 Ways to Save Your Planet

things fall apart

2009-12-21T21:44:00.003+08:00

no, it's not chinua achibe's book.

i'm merely referrring to my life right now. spiralling down, falling into the bottomless pit.

i made a big mess for the past 2 weeks. and with that gone is my credibility as a member in the elite fraternity.

i thought i was doing okay, but the fact that my mind and my heart wasn't into it showed that i had a lot of things in my mind and it's wreaking havoc with my life.

as one of my friends noted, my spiral down began when i arrived in KL. my mother's passing on is something that i can't get over with, because i felt so guilty for all the pain i had caused her...if only i had been a more attentive and dutiful daughter. if only, if only...

i'm not happy with my current school. i feel like it's a temporary pad, instead of having that sense of belonging like what i feel towards Sultan Sulaiman. a friend told me how different i look now, because the last time she saw me i was happy and enthusiastic. i was teaching in SS at that time. how do i eliminate this disillusionment about teaching the hooligans? i used to teach with passion, but now there's hardly a genuine smile on my face. worse, when i'm told that i've to teach in the afternoon session i feel like i've fallen further. i feel like a ball being tossed about.

and sometimes in life you learn that things are not what they seem to be. that there are underlying meanings and connotations that all pretend not to notice. sometimes you feel like screaming your heart out to stop this madness.

there's nothing to smile about in my life right now. there's a metaphorical hole in me, just like Salman Rushdie's character Dr Aaziz Sinai. i'm trying so hard to fill in the void, but i don't know how.

(i can't help but wondering if what i'm going through is a typical process of displacement/dislocation...see? despite my emotional outburst i'm talking about postcolonial theory!)

to be frank, to have someone would have been wonderful for me right now. i can't handle this alone.

i wish i can go back to the days of idleness and ignorance. for a while.

sleepiness

2009-12-04T13:35:00.003+08:00

i feel like i'm a zombie now.

thanks to my late night Twilight series reading. last night i read Breaking Dawn until nearly 2 am. i was supposed to read (supposed, supposed supposed...even i'm bored with the word) Fasting Feasting, but obviously i couldn't resist Breaking Dawn, which was lying dangerously on my bed. and so, despite having Fasting Feasting with me, i put it down. and resumed reading Breaking Dawn.

by 1.07 am, i figured it out that i could still read some more. so i read until 1.45 am. even then my eyes were still alert. but i forced myself to sleep.

so today, even as i'm typing this, i look like a zombie. i'm not chirpy as usual, i look more a sleepwalker going through the routines with no emotions.

my only fear is that my chief will be disappointed with me. i can picture her face now, scolding me with arms on her hips. oh wait, that's me scolding the hooligans...

still have some time before i check into the hotel. all i want right now is some sleep.

Twi-hard

2009-12-03T10:55:00.003+08:00

that's a term coined to mean twilight diehard fans.

okay, as my friends have stated in amusement in my facebook, i'm head over heels with robert pattinson. and so, after watching Twilight, i decided to find the DVD. sold out in Speedy shops. so i went to another shop. didn't have any, but they told me to come again the next day.

and so i did. twilight was sold out, but they have New Moon. i was due to watch the movie that night with Shidah and Lily, but i thought, what the heck. after some acid comments to them for the previous DVDs that i bought, i asked acidly (again)

"betul clear ni?"

"betul kak"

"kalau tak?"

"boleh tukar kak"

and so i went home happily. but i was not too happy afterwards when i realised the first minute that i only could see kristen stewart's face, but not robert pattinson! i could only see his body! he's headless! i was irritated to the core.

the next day i went to the same shop to return the DVD.

"saya nak tengok robert pattinson tapi nampak body je. muka tak nampak. nak tukar la"

they had Twilight and so i took it. was happy as a kid again. went home and kept hearing the background music. very loud. then i saw kristen's mouth's moving. there was no sound! but the background music was there. i fast forwarded for awhile, and it's the same thing throughout the movie!! loud background music, and no dialogues!!! arghhh!!!!

fuming, i started downloading the movie myself. that was better.

i'm supposed to be revising literary texts for my quarantine, but what i did was i went to Popular book store to buy Twilight the novel. they sold out on the first novel. so i bought New Moon. that day i went to the gym and so i had the excuse to go to Kinokuniya to buy Twilight. and i was happy. finished the book in one day. i then started New Moon, knowing full well that i should be reading Julius Caesar instead. finished the book in one day too.

just like Edward Cullen says "your scent is like a drug to me", the novels is like my drug. i'm like someone who has gone beserk. in my rational mind i know i should be revising.

let me tell you one thing though. when i started reading Twilight, it was because of Robert Pattinson. but when i started New Moon, it was because i like Stephenie Meyer's writing, and i like the way she portrays Bella and Edward. i like the witticism. though i must say that she hasn't that finesse. okay, i should stop analysing her like a literature scholar would.

so anyway, because the novels is like a drug to me (which amused my friends who know that i'm a literature snob who reads only serious literature and scorns any pulp fictions), i went to Kinokuniya once more, and instead of lingering there for one hour as i usually do, i went straight to find Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, and queued to pay.

again, i told myself that i should reserve both novels when i'm under quarrantine. so i started revising Fahrenheit 451. the book is good, don't get me wrong. Ray Bradbury is a good writer and his novel is like poetry but as i said, the Twilight Saga novels is a drug for me, and i just couldn't resist. and so, i read only 35 pages of Fahrenheit and thought that i should go to sleep. but before i went to sleep, i couldn't resist reading my bedtime story, and what do you know, i started reading Eclipse! thought i could put the book down. the next thing i knew it was 1.15 a.m. and all my friends know that i'm an early sleeper. the only thing that stopped me to read was the dull throbbing of my migraine.

i finished Eclipse in 1 night and 1 day. strangely though, after finishing Eclipse, i was ready to revise on the literary texts. and so i continued reading Fahrenheit 451. happy at last to be responsible and reasonable.

last night i started reading Breaking Dawn.... hehehe.
p.s. don't like Breaking Dawn. prefer Eclipse

hari raya potluck feast

2009-11-28T08:57:00.005+08:00

it is well-known that my family is a boisterous family who has one great passion - food. so it is not a surprise that we had a potluck feast at kak sham's house in PJ yesterday.

kak sham told me that she's going to cook nasi tomato, but yesterday there was not only nasi tomato, but also nasi dagang! i brought my lemon cake with homemade strawberry jam and lemon cream, and no sooner had i tucked into my food, abg mi arrived and kak madihah made lasagna!! wah this is really a feast. i was the first one to scoop the goodies. (which of course, led to the others making comments about watching my weight. it's useless making comments when i'm in front of delicious food, so i ignored them) her lasagna was superb, the sauce that she made was flavourful. and when i was se'eh, and groaning that i had too much to eat, abg halim came with nasi lemak and kak dah came with spaghetti and laksa johor. i surrendered then. no more food!

while the adults were talking about everything under the sun, the youngsters were playing games. kak sham is also addicted to playing computer games and she's a grandmother of 3! so it's not surprising that ayi is already a doctor doing his Masters and yet he still watches Powerpuff Girls. no, i'm not joking.

the others went back early because of Friday prayers but i was too full and too sleepy (couldn't really sleep the night before because i was angauing over Robert Pattinson) to drive so i caught some 40 winks (probably it s 80 winks). and then it was another round of feasting again. and i groaned again. god it's a vicious but irresistable cycle.

crazy about the handsome vampire

2009-11-24T03:33:00.006+08:00

i didn't realise the twilight mania could be this big - because i'm drawn to it myself, much to my surprise.

last year, SS's best student, khairina, who studied literature, was always promoting the movie to me. so consumed was she with the book and the movie that during one discussion she was confused between Edward and Bella in Twilight and Edward and Bella in the short story The Cinderella Girl which they had to study. "Best teacher, teacher kena tengok. Edward tu handsome teacher" how many times i heard that last year. and this was before the movie came out.

well, the movie came and went. but 2 nights ago, star movies showed it on tv, and i was determined not to sleep at my usual bedtime hour just to watch the movie. and i was hooked! Robert Pattinson is irresistable. not in the usual sense of handsome, but the character is mysterious (duh, everyone says that ) and gothic and look, most of us are attracted to dark (or in this case, pale) handsome men. it reminds me of the mania the girls had in the 80s when Ralph Macchio donned that karate uniform, tied a bandana over his head and "saved" his girl. or the craze over Brad Pitt (still there is) especially in Legends of the Fall or the craze over Viggo Mortensen as the rugged ranger / King and Orlando Bloom as the Elf archer when LOTR trilogy came out. yep, it's the same thing now.

no, it's not about the handsomeness. as i said, it's about how he portrays his character. he had me when he told Bella "I don't have the strength to be apart from you" uwaaa!!!

thank god it's the long school hols!

2009-11-21T08:19:00.003+08:00

2 weeks ago, i couldn't wait for the holidays to be here. i even had a countdown on my facebook. but this week, with all the things happening, my holiday mood just disappeared. gone with a smoke. na da. kaput.

besides being told that i'll be transferred to the afternoon session, i had to finish off the stupid clerical work. yes, i hate the clerical work. i'm disorganised and proud of it. for me, clerical work reminds me of old accountants at work, with pince-nez on their noses, meticulously writing down numbers, and not making mistakes. i'm not like that. i'm like a fiery chef who devotes his life to the perfection of culinary art. or an artist who is passionate in his strokes creating masterpieces.

one afternoon session teacher who likes to sit at my place after i go home (because her chum's cubicle is next to mine) decided to do me a favour and tidied up my cubicle. really. the problem is, when i tried to find some particular documents, i couldn't find it. and there i went rambling like a mother scolding the children, because i couldn't find the papers.

any hoarder will tell you that in chaos, there is order. the teacher meant well, i know. but she upset the order on my chaotic table.

anyhow, though i'm disorganised, i'm good at teaching.especially when i teach literature (the LiE paper, not lit component) no, i'm not being smug. i may be a real-life but a mini version of Dr House, minus the quirks and the insanity.

there was too much work to be done. some of it was a waste of time, but i had to do it. i mean, what's the point of repeating the same phrase 33 times for a whole class? or what's the point of every teacher producing the headcount analysis, when in SS the Exam Unit does it for the teachers?(considering that it's a cluster school, and has 140 teachers).

okay i'm rambling again. but as you can see, because of the amount of work to be done, i lay awake at night feeling stressed. i could feel the nerves on my head turning sore, especially when i sujud during solat. anyway, i did the best that i could. and that's not saying much. because as i said earlier i hate, no, i a-b-h-o-r clerical work.

and even though the holiday officially started at 12.30pm for me yesterday, i didn't feel the joy. hopefully after this the party animal in me will come out.

the bad news

2009-11-18T01:22:00.003+08:00

it's 1.25am. what am i doing up so late? actually i woke up when i heard the neighbour's car engine. then instantly, i remember the bad news that i had 3 days ago.

my head of panel told me that because there's an excess of english teachers in the morning, i'll be teaching the afternoon session next year.

when she told me this, i was trying to finish off marking the exam scripts, and as soon as the words hit me, i was devastated.

the thing that i hate most is teaching in the afternoon. i spent 12 years teaching in the morning session. in SS i was lucky because it's a single session school.in the first 2 months in the current school, i had to teach the afternoon session. i don't like it at all.

i hate coming back so late. and by the time i return home, i've no strength to muster. and besides, ever since in SS, i always taught either form 3 or the upper forms. my friend and colleague used to tell me that if any of the Old Block teachers slack in their work, they are "banished" to the New Block teaching the lower forms.

the afternoon session is like that. i feel upset, and used. i feel like i'm a ball being tossed around. never mind that i'm a senior teacher by service and holds a masters degree. never mind that i've literature students who i have to teach after school. in the end , i lost to a quite junior teacher who gets to stay in the morning session because she stays far away and can teach Geography (as they lack in teachers in the subject for the form 3 students) and that because i stay nearby and i'm single. it's back to the same reason. i hate it. and the best thing is that she doesn't know that the upstairs people considered her as a candidate as well.

i feel kecik hati. i don't mind if i'm a junior. but i'm not. so i go from being a form 4 and 5 teacher to being form 1 and 2 teacher next year. a lot of routines have to be changed next year, and i don't like it at all.

because of that, i think i may have to do something. now i understand how my Professor felt and why he resigned from the university.

the hi tea at KDE

2009-11-15T19:29:00.003+08:00

on saturday, the kelab guru of my school held the annual hi-tea at KDE which is practically "belakang rumah". no la i was exaggerating. it takes me 5 mins to reach KDE. the theme was "mesmerising blue". initially i thought of wearing the only blue blouse that i have but after the gym workout in the morning (to compensate the feasting done the previous day), my feet sort of led me to isetan (yeah yeah blame it on my feet. just like i blamed my feet for walking into Habib when i accidentally bought some bling bling) and i bought a new blouse.

since i've taught at 3 schools so far, i can honestly say that the annual gathering is conducted in much the same manner everywhere. but then although it is considered routine, one can't help feeling amused. for instance, despite my visits to the gym and despite my "piousness" in controlling my temptation at the school canteen, i was the first one at the buffet table (yep. the first one. go ahead and gawk). i can't remember how much i ate. i just knew that the cheese from the lasagna just sat snugly in my tummy. had to do salsa after that.

and at every annual gathering, we love lucky draws. despite the fact that everybody gets to bring something home, we still groan and wait in agony for our numbers to get lucky. and, i also notice that we love to compare which table has the most gifts - the only difference is that last Saturday the teachers stacked their gifts on the table until they nearly collapsed.

oh well.

i got to bring a blender back. the 3rd blender that i have.

Calorie restriction diet

2009-11-13T14:11:00.002+08:00

last night, Dr Oz appeared on Oprah show, talking about extreme life extension. one that really intrigued me is about the people who undergo calorie restriction diet, thought to help in lengthening one's lifespan. this is backed up by research in the labs using mice.

anyway, it doesn't sound interesting, does it? especially when you have the words "restriction" there. they featured 4 people who practice this diet - a couple, a lawyer in his 60s (whose biological age or stamina of a 20 year old) and an 85 year old tycoon. they all eat a lot of fibre - the lawyer takes 3 apples for breakfast (he peels the skin and eat it, not the flesh though) and a bowl of mixed berries with 2 oz of walnuts. his lunch is a big bowl of salad greens (he said this amount can normally feed a whole family) and his dinner also consists of vegetables and fish.

i'm not interested in extending my lifespan - who wants to hang on to old age when your peers are all dead? i'm only interested in healthy eating and being healthy...unfortunately, my tummy and palate can't really digest the idea of digesting so much fibre...

let's salsa! (click on this to view a snippet of what salsa dance is)

2009-11-07T18:19:00.006+08:00

much much earlier this year, my curiosity led me to a dance studio in sri hartamas. they had an open day, and to attract more clients, they held a free 10 minute session of dances which included bellydancing, salsa, cha cha and more.

i wasnt interested in bellydancing, because much as exotic and as obscene as it can be, it's too vigorous and i can't imagine my whole body jiggling (or wobbling, for that matter). besides, i've a bellydancing vcd featuring rania who, when performing the dance look more like Plastic Man than a mere mortal.

so anyway, i discovered that i love salsa! i enjoy its lazy, easy and sensual dance. it's not obscene like bellydancing, mind you, it's a dance that everyone can enjoy. unfortunately though, although i signed up for the class, the place is just too far for me to go every single weekend.

on thursday, as i was telling them of my gym visits, a male teacher at school who loves to ride on his easy rider suggested that i enroll for salsa class at a dance studio somewhere in uk utama? uk perdana? i'm not really sure. and that reminded me of the joy i felt once. but i thought, well may be they sell latin dance dvds. i was right. i purchased Kathy Smith's Latin Rhythm workout.

why all this, all of a sudden?

because i was disappointed that they changed the time slot for my favourite group cardio fitness workout BodyVive. i figured that i need to have cardio fitness workout that i enjoy.

i've several other workout vcds of Kathy SMith and i wasn't disappointed when i bought the dvd yesterday. they have not only salsa but also merengue and cha cha. i don't really like merengue. i prefer salsa more. so much so that i downloaded some salsa songs for me to dance on my own.

so what are the health benefits?

salsa dancing helps to build endurance and stamina. it helps with weight loss (yippee!!!), relieve stress, helps to relieve toxin, may help lower the cholesterol levels and lead to a reduced heart rate as well as reducing the risk of Alzheimer disease.

how many calories can one burn in an hour of salsa dancing? for a 150lb person, expect to burn 420 calories - for me that means around 45 mins of jogging on the treadmill at 6kmph.

The Hooligans' Antics

2009-11-04T14:45:00.002+08:00

need i say more? *sigh*

it's final exam week. so what do you usually expect to see in class? students giving their full attention to the exam questions right? and you don't even hear any sounds?

wrong!

not in the hooligans class.

it's just like any other day for them. but for once, i get to see all of the hooligans together even those who like to play truants. but even then, one didnt turn up for the exams since monday. so they were busy in their "merry making", laughing out loud, and talking to the rest. the boys asked to go to the toilet. that means "wandering around" instead of answering nature's call. like i said, it's like any other day for them.

so scold them, you will say.

you think i didn't do that?

i gave them the look that would have silenced all my students in SS. that didn't work. i had to resort to hitting their arms with my fan because they're too noisy (my fan broke). still that didn't work. i was on the verge of cursing them, really cursing them - but i still had my iman and patience. god only knows how i felt. i wonder how they're like at home, and i wonder if their parents know.

i was in their class to invigilate my paper. some sent in blank papers, some didn't even send in at all.

as i entered the staffroom, a teacher looked up. and i told her "this is the look of someone who just came out from 4 Taat".

really, the class affected me so badly. obviously i didnt feel happy, i felt angry, and i would have become the female version of hulk.

there's no other way to change the hooligans unless something (by chance) happens to them. until then, they'll continue being how they're.

"It's okay"

2009-10-31T12:05:00.002+08:00

last wednesday, i discovered that i do have friends among the new colleagues at school. all this while i only trust my friend zai, whom i have known since tesl matric year 1, and who was my roommate.

but on that fateful day, i landed myself in deep tut! and guess what? a colleague, who's the head of panel, helped me. she didn't yell at me, she didn't say anything to make me feel even worse. she gave me some solutions that could help me save myself (i nearly typed a bad word there). at that point, it hit me that she's a true friend.

that was why, i wrote on my facebook later on

despite all the obstacles, the storms, the downs, the frustrations, the fear, at the end of the day, life embraces you and says "it's okay"

it's a nice warm feeling that you get, when you realise that despite all the screw-ups, life goes on, and you have a friend.

the feasting

2009-10-25T21:53:00.003+08:00

i've just recovered from major bloatedness. sorry if i sound gross. i had too much to eat today, ah too much merry making!

i was supposed to have picnic with mozie and kak nan at the lake today. as told in earlier entries, i had prepared myself for loads of picnicking sessions since the day i bought the rattan picnic basket in june.

i made blueberry and orange cupcakes today. if i had my way ( and more time) i would have baked some cinnamon rolls, but then i was too exhausted from the gym workout to wake up at wee hours to knead the dough.

as i was about to lock the door, mozie called to say that there was no parking space left at the park so as we had discussed earlier, we went for Plan B which was to have "picnic" at my place. and because i wanted this to be a picnic, i told them i didn't want to use china, i wanted to use my plastic plates and bowls and cutlery. and so, we had nasi lemak cooked by mozie, kak nan brought eggs and cucumber and yours truly provided the dessert.

we talked and talked and laughed so hard. then i mentioned that i wanted to move to the master bedroom as i couldn't stand the noise from the traffic and plus, indah water is doing some construction work at the park which is exactly where my bedroom faced. and so, my two dear friends helped me to dismantled the bed and re-assembled it in another room. thanx guys!

after the breakfast, i had to dash to go for the family tahlil at abg halim's house in sg buloh. i was lucky the traffic wasn't that heavy. after the yaasin and the zohor prayer, i couldn't really enjoy my food as i was still bloated from the breakfast. abg mi made a lot of comments. because abg halim is the only one who likes to live in suasana kampung and has a fruit orchard, we had a nice time picking the rambutans (picking, because abg halim was the one responsible for plucking the rambutans with his galah). abg mi was enthusiastic about the whole thing - he came well prepared with a big basin to hold all the rambutans that he can get. me, i was just satisfied with a modest 1 plastic bag of rambutan.

after the rambutan picking, i went home, only to find that indah water has closed the road behind the house and so, the other cars from ampang jaya use our private lanes to pass through... *sigh* more noise! and although it is past 10pm, the construction is still going on... *double sigh*

what s to become of the future generation?

2009-10-22T17:28:00.002+08:00

as i now commute to the gym via LRT, i get to meet people from all walks of life. usually i don't bother about their conversation, until today when i heard two teenagers talking. judging from their conversation, i would say the girls are typical uptown wangsa maju kids who have just left school. i couldn't help overhearing (i wasn't eavesdropping, they talked loud enough for the entire coach to hear) the conversation, and was shocked when the one of the girls casually talked about going to a club which she proclaimed the entry fee as "murah gile", and that they serve a bucket of beer.

okay so i'm shocked. i know that i shouldn't be, but the fact that they can be so casual and i can even say that the statement is more of a brag than anything else.

it's not the teacher in me, it's about being a mature person who has seen much and won't like the youngsters to suffer.

in one of the daily hadith sent by Anne, the writer has said that the current time is about the era of modesty seen as a lack of confidence and vulgarity is seen as an act of boldness. the girl's statement attests to the truth of the statement.

i'm very upset with all this.

isn't there something to cheer me up today?

the journey to the gym

2009-10-16T08:11:00.006+08:00

the journey to the gym is full of temptations of earthly (or gastronomic) paradise, especially now that i've to take LRT. from far i could smell rotiboi's sought-after mexican bun and the sinful and alluring smell of famous amos' chocolate chip cookies. now i could understand Ulysses' dilemma when the sexy sirens called the sailors to the shore (and to their destruction). if i didn't have the gym bag with me to remind me of my destination, i would have fallen into the trap and devour the delicious cookies like there's no tomorrow.

and so with regret, i walked on and made my way to the gym and sweated myself.

before returning home, i heard traditional indian music - they played live on one of the floors, and playing kuch kuch hota hai!
i contemplated whether i should wait until the rush hour is over or take the lrt then because it's thursday night (yaasin reading night). i then proceeded to the lrt, and i had to again, pass the famous amos ...ah temptations!!! there many people at the ticketing counter. there were many people more at the platform. i missed 4 lrts before i could get on one. even then, the phrase "sardine-packed" paled into comparison. i could hardly see my bags, and even if you didn't have anything to hold on to, you neednt worry of falling.

well, that was my experience yesterday.

money, money, money

2009-10-10T20:46:00.003+08:00

all throughout the year, i've been spending money like crazy. well, not exactly crazy, but almost. still can't beat my fren ina hehehe...

i was told that i've to start paying the house rent. my world suddenly turned dark, because for the first time i had to really take a serious look at my financial standing. yes, i do the budget every month. and every month i spend money like water. truth be told, i can't afford this house. i can only afford a certain sum of money but that's all. and so i was thinking and thinking and worrying, until i became stressed and slept early even on the nights i didn't go to the gym. i talked to some of my friends and they gave me some sound advice. i may not like the advice, but i know they are right. and it's really hard to go through this alone. because of the stress, i thought of taking things easy today. i had a picnic with shidah at taman tasik ampang hilir this morning.

i know that nowadays you don't see a lot of people picnicking. i love the idea of picnicking because it reminds me of those days when i used to picnic with my parents. the last time i had a picnic was with my late mother at setiu beach some 4 years ago. also, jamie oliver and nigella re-ignited that picnic passion with their episodes on cooking picnic food. i love the idea of having a cozy picnic with family members and friends. that's why when i returned to terengganu in june, i bought a picnic basket.

and so, this morning, shidah and i made our way to the lake. however, my morning already turned glum when i realised that miscalculated my monthly budget. i have to make a lot of sacrifices, and cut down on my spending. which is a big blow, because i've been indulging myself, and i mean, R-E-A-L-L-Y indulging myself.

having a picnic helped to sooth my worry a bit. probably it's the ambience, i don't know. i had a talk with shidah about my problem, and she gave me hope that i can do it because she has survived. still, i told her that it's not a bad thing if i can find a rich husband now... haha...

after the picnic, i rushed to PJ to meet my niece farah, who agreed to show me her house in subang bestari. i fell in love with the houses there. she brought me to her new house. it's spacious and i envy her. we then looked around for "for sale" signs at the new houses (such beautiful houses!) but there's none. we then stopped by at my eldest nephew's house to rest for awhile, then continued our search. i did collect 2 numbers for 2 houses, but still, subang bestari is quite a distance from KL... *sigh*

after the search, we went to OU because farah wanted to buy a birthday gift for her hubby. it was really a challenge for me not to buy anything. i can tell you that it's a challenge, especially when i saw that Jean Perry embroidered bedsheet costs only rm69!!! i tell you, it's like looking at tiramisu or smelling Famous Amous and not eat it. it's really hard going to the store AND NOT BUY anything. we passed a shop selling something which i love (but i can't remember what) and farah asked "are you sure you don't want to go in?" and i answered "no la, i might be tempted to buy and it's better that i don't see them at all". farah laughed and said "i was just testing you".

in the car, again i was lamenting to farah. farah and i have a lot in common. for one thing, she's the youngest and used to being showered with attention and being pampered. she told me that if before she could splurge, when she got married she realised that she couldn't continue her old spending habit. "but there's only me, why can't i splurge on myself?" i asked farah. and her answer - i can do that, but i won't be able to afford certain things.

both shidah and farah told me that they havent really splurged on themselves for quite some time.

some of you will understand what i'm going through. i've led a sheltered life all this while, though i wasn't born with a silver spoon, my parents provided me with a comfortable life and i'm really grateful to them.

but if shidah and farah can do it, i believe that i can too. and one more thing, this is the first saturday that i really enjoyed myself with people who are close to me.

thanx, guys.