Losing My Mother

as i'm writing this, my family members are huddled together, as my mother has gone into comma since 4am.

i miss my mother so much now. it's hard to see her laboured breathing, knowing full well she's suffering. i spent the last 3 days with my mother at the hospital, and although i got a scolding from a sibling for wasting my precious 7 day leave (i took 2 days), i considered that as my filial duty to my mother, something that is natural, to show my love for her.

i must say that before i was a selfish brat. i admit that. being the youngest, i always thought about myself, and not about others. my parents love me so much, they catered to my every need. but after my mother was diagnosed with cancer, after going through some life-changing experiences such as going for umrah, i 've become a better person and muslim. i appreciate my mother now, and regret my selfish past actions and words. i didnt mean to hurt her feelings, and that's why i wanted to atone my mistakes by being with her in her last few days.

it's painful to see her suffer. she has to undergo a lot of examinations and treatments. but my mother is a fighter, right even before she lapsed into comma, she was still fighting, trying to pull off the oxygen mask as she hated it.

we have a family joke that if my mother scolds people (eg. me, the maid or the nurses) that means she's ok. we would sigh in relief and laugh if she does that, because we know she's ok. she's still with us.

but we're not laughing anymore, she's not talking, and i hate seeing my mother suffer. i miss her so much now - her soothing touch when i had dengue fever, her willingness to cook my favourite dishes, and her patience for enduring my selfishness.

i love you, mother. so much. and i miss you.