realisation

it's amazing how in just a matter 2 weeks my life has changed.after what i've been through, it feels more like a year. it makes me feel jaded.in one moment we can be happy, and then the next our life and hopes are destroyed by just one single information.

i found out that shahul is married with 2 kids.that hurts a lot, considering that he's living a lie for a year. considering i've invested a lot in this relationship. i still dont know why he does it. when my frens say "alaa men are like that". i dont accept that answer. there has to be a reason. but he has the nerve to deny it.dont know why he's so damn stubborn. he's a jerk i guess....an s.o.b. bcoz of him, i had a fight with a fren.i realise now that no man is worth arguing about.
i've been thinking about life a lot after that. i'm thankful that i have an understanding family (siblings who dont ask questions or offer unsolicited advice) when i dont feel like discussing.i'm thankful that i've a powerful brother which really makes me think of Foucault's theory of knowledge being a power. i'm also thankful that i have frens who really care. in times of adversity, these are the people who really give their shoulders for me to cry on. mozie was there when i received the confirmation. linda cried when she heard the story from mozie. nina who has been my good fren and advisor from the start. adi azhar cheered me up with his witty remarks.farah, who didnt tell me her plans to marry when she found out that my plan for a wedding was never going to be a reality. wan was there too, and we had a fun time in male bashing. abg lie is great as my sort of a brother (i guess) after what we've been through years ago.

i was in KL to escape and nurse my wound. so i went shopping with Gina (who again, as my closest niece, didnt ask or talk abt this until i mentioned it) and got myself hennaed on my hand...and then i bought 2 pcs of sarees (a reminiscent of a fictitious life that i thought i'd be living). i went to MPO chamber concert with fai, and had fun discussing the contemporary music pieces that we heard (such as, which piece made us sleep...or which piece was pleasant enough for our ears). i met wan who's matured for her age and reminds me a lot of nana. i met khairul, who is an idealist. i told him that ppl at his age tend to think that they can accomplish anything, including to conquer the everest. khairul is interesting though, not many young malay men are interested in philosophy and classical music. but he does, and i had an enjoyable time talking to him. yes, it s sweet when you think that at 24 you're full of energy and vibrance. like a rose in all it's glory. but then you will learn that despite your optimism, they will press you down, until you're beaten...

memories of him smiling at me are still in my mind, although this time i remember them as a complete sham.

yes, i've been pushed and beaten. i've loved, and been broken hearted by heartless creatures who call themselves men. mais c'est la vie....and life has to move on. i've to pick the pieces and rebuild myself and i'll emerge stronger.