Change

making changes is all the rage now in malaysia. whether it's a prominent, big-scaled change or a small-scaled one, it's a change nonetheless, that will change our lives or our views.

once upon a time, i was ready to embrace that change. although i was trained to become an educator, my passion lies in writing, so much so that i was offered to become a journalist before my graduation. alas, my mother opposed to the idea as it meant that i had to work in KL, and she wanted me to serve the people (and serve the 7 year "itch" contract with the ministry) in my hometown. i remember there were tears of disappointment, watching the opportunity go by. i remember my friend dina who told me to hold on and not to sink into idleness and lose that spark.

four years later, i made a change as i decided to further studies. it's a big change as i had to tread into the unknown. i wanted the change, but it was scary. but it was good, in the sense that i was able to mingle with the academicians and my coursemates, who came from all walks of life. i was taught in a boarding school and later on in a tesl programme which only allowed bumiputeras in. when i did my masters, i had the opportunity to be friends with the other races and to learn about their cultures. it wasnt an odd thing at all to eat at a banana leaf restaurant or to have dinner at a vegetarian restaurant with my chinese and indian friends, discussing literary theories and novels. academically, i was enlightened. i marvelled at the genius works of the writers, and discussed and argued with coursemates over some theories that we were learning. i had taught myself to think critically.

the good academic life came to an end when my 2 year sabbatical was up, and i was reposted back to my hometown, to a new school. i must say that i love this school, as the students are generally well-behaved.

but good things must come to an end too. my darkest hour was when my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer. the family reeled from the news. my mother is a woman of strength, but to see her lose hope was heartbreaking. but she regained her willpower to live, and decided to stay among her other children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. and because of that i had to learn to finally live on my own, something i had wished for when i was 24. it was a novelty for me at first, but when there're 2 break ins, you began to feel fear. such circumstances force me to make another change, which is to ask for a transfer to where my family is.

although i yearn to be with my family, i do not want to leave my house, which had been my cocoon for the past 30 years (except for the few years when i was at school and the uni). and this saddens me greatly.

changes do not happen overnight. the physical changes can happen overnight (or in the case of my tummy, in 2 weeks) but it's our pysche that is slower to accept changes and to adapt. it takes a strong person to make changes. but somehow we have to change, as it's only through change that we advance in life.