in previous Ramadhans, i had written about my recollection of nostalgic moments during Ramadhan in my childhood - of how certain foods and routines define the Ramadhan for me.
this year though, i wont be talking about nostalgia. it'll be kinda boring to repeat, dont you agree?
this year i'll be talking about Ramadhan with frankness.
i always believe that as we grow older, we should strive to better ourselves - spiritually, mentally and socially. most of us strive hard in the social and mental department. but how many strive for the betterment of the spiritual?
although towards the second half of the previous year i had suffered a lot of family problems, i realised that those obstacles had to happen so as to make me a better muslimah. the problems were too much for me to handle and i just lost control. and i hate losing control. finally, i made the best decision - to perform umrah. but before going to madinah, i faced another obstacle. so much so that i questioned whether i was ready for the spiritual journey.
however, that was the best experience i had so far. i've seen eiffel tower, i've been to stonehenge, saw the white cliffs at Dover Beach, i've seen the tiny fairy penguins at phillips island and been chased by a fat sheep just outside melbourne; but these are vacations, and are incomparable to the spiritual journey.
to see the magnificent minarets and the big gold doors of Nabawi Mosque was a feast to the eyes. just like to be able to see the intricate ceilings inside, and to be able to enter and pray in Raudhah, a piece of Eden on earth. when we arrived in mekah, we chanted the talbiyah, which made me weep. the best part was when we finally saw the most recognised building in the world, the Masjidil Haram, and Baitullah in the center. i think masjidil haram has the most beautiful and intricate carved ceilings which reminded me of a cake with icing. the lamps reminded me of Aladdin. but to actually pray in masjidil haram, to tawaf and saie there - was the greatest. i must admit that it was hot and dry over there, and one would have thought that since Kaaba is in the center of Masjidil Haram and isnt covered with a roof, it'll be hot. but surprisingly, when i tawafed there, there was gentle wind blowing (no, it's not from the air conditioning unit, nor did it come from the fans and nor was it the typical wind you have over there, because believe me, the wind there is dry), and it was cooling. i remember my friend As told me that as the pilgrims are tawafing Kaaba', the angels are also tawafing at a place in heaven directly above the Kaaba'. i felt at peace there, that i didnt even remember the troubles that i had before i went on the journey.
i remember our muttawif, ustaz masytoor, who reminded us to be better muslims when we returned to malaysia, and not to slacken or suffer a relapse. i didnt feel so much the first2-3 weeks, as i was busy with family weddings and later, school camps and debates. but after that, i started to read a book by Imam Ghazali who wrote about how to conduct the daily lives the islamic way. and it has helped me so much. deep conversations with some also helped me to become who i am today. because of fear of being alone, i turn to God for help, and believe in his protection, so much so that for the first time, i experienced total peace and contentment, i could feel God's love for me. this is what is called sakinah, or tranquility. it is the most beautiful feeling which didnt last long - when i started #$@%$# the madam upstairs.
god says if you stay with me, i'll help you, and he did. i dont feel suffocated or restless like i used to feel before i turned a new leaf. prayers are not seen as a burden, but more of a communication, a sign of gratitude, and humility. if before, i viewed certain deeds as taxing, now it's not taxing anymore, when you just give your spiritual self a chance.
i must admit that the ramadhan has more challenges this year in spiritual sense, but this does not deter me in the quest of becoming a good muslimah.
happy fasting to all muslims, and hope that you'll be blessed with sakinah like i did.
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