Judging People Judging You

although i don't talk about it nowadays does not mean that i'm having a whale of time at my new place. i'm surviving here, but i begin to wonder whether Allah wants me to ponder (and really ponder) about where i'm heading in life.

i know that my psyche is undergoing that transitionary shifting, open to reinterpretation stage of hybridity (according to Bhabha's theory of hybridity) - i'm still in denial and rejecting and also accepting new stuff.

but i'm not really happy.

i know that at about 5 months into working at my old place, i already felt that i belonged to the school. but until now, i still feel like a marginalised outsider at my new place. i hate being judged. but that's what people do at my place. i hate having to have my guard up, but that's what i have to do at my current workplace.

my brother was not amused when i told the family some of my wishes. he kept accusing me for not being thankful, and threateningly asked if i wanted to return to my hometown. amidst the others' voices, he couldn't hear my answer, but i told him that if i wanted to, the principal of my former school had the power to get me back. okay i admit i sounded cocky. but it's true.

what's worse, i was judged as unworthy by certain people in my elite group - people who judge me by my race instead of my professional qualification. i guess even if i have a PhD they will still look down on me. yes, when you read this you'll give this comment "ala biasa la tu". no, it's not supposed to be that way.

i had a chat with my former lecturer mr hazidi a few nights ago. he asked me why is that i want to be accepted or appreciated.

in a way, he's right. but then i'm not like mr hazidi who has no qualms in speaking his mind.

i know i'm rebellious. it's just that i'm too nice. so i let this one particular person in the elite group to steamroll and verbally insult me (who thinks that he's mr know it all, but sadly he's not). i graciously let him have his day, because it's numbered. and part of it is, like anybody else, is this need to be accepted, appreciated because we want to belong.

so i guess i just have to read a lot of shakespeare and amaze everyone. though i don't know whether they can understand Fanon or Bhabha, should i start talking about their theories.