My 2009

2009 isn't a good year for me. it's one of the worst in fact. most of you who have been following my blog would know this.

i thought that moving to KL to be near my family would make this year a good year. i was dead wrong.

in late january, my mother passed away at Damansara Specialist Hospital. i was in denial, because despite all the reprimands i got from her, and despite my inadequate attention to her, i realised that she loved me the most and i couldn't bear seeing her go.

death of a loved one changes one forever.

to distract myself, i went to Bangkok with Anne, and had fun shopping there. in june, i went to China with Mozie, sort of discovering my roots there. a lot of the Chinese stared at me, out of curiosity i guess, since i look like a Chinese but don't behave like one. many spoke Mandarin to me. obviously i didn't understand anything. the highlight of the tour was the climb up the Great Wall.

i'm not going to write about my school, because i'll be repeating myself here. only that it's different than what i'm used to. and it turned me into a disillusioned person.

i know that i'm a person ruled by emotions. when i'm happy, you'll know it because i'll be talking non-stop and when i'm upset, i'll be like a cloudy day. when i'm happy about something, then everything is okay - my self-esteem, my confidence. i'm a better teacher. without it, everything goes down.

worst of all, the person i looked up to isn't what i thought she was. she tried to sell us the idea of equality, camaraderie and respect among members but i discovered that underneath that facade, it's back to that basal perception. i was devastated.

and so, with all the disappointments and the grief, i've nothing to smile about.

on second thought, i do have something to be proud of. after looking at my pics taken in China, i decided to join a fitness centre. it was something i would never do in the past. but the reality show The Biggest Loser helped me see that it's possible. and so, despite the slow progress, i held on, and endured, and now i'm proud to say that in June i could only walk on the treadmil at 4.5kmph, but now i jog at 6.4kmph. who would have thought it, me, jogging?!!

i can control my happiness. and i hope i'll be able to do so in 2010.

that's my new year resolution.

to be happy.