no, it's not chinua achibe's book.
i'm merely referrring to my life right now. spiralling down, falling into the bottomless pit.
i made a big mess for the past 2 weeks. and with that gone is my credibility as a member in the elite fraternity.
i thought i was doing okay, but the fact that my mind and my heart wasn't into it showed that i had a lot of things in my mind and it's wreaking havoc with my life.
as one of my friends noted, my spiral down began when i arrived in KL. my mother's passing on is something that i can't get over with, because i felt so guilty for all the pain i had caused her...if only i had been a more attentive and dutiful daughter. if only, if only...
i'm not happy with my current school. i feel like it's a temporary pad, instead of having that sense of belonging like what i feel towards Sultan Sulaiman. a friend told me how different i look now, because the last time she saw me i was happy and enthusiastic. i was teaching in SS at that time. how do i eliminate this disillusionment about teaching the hooligans? i used to teach with passion, but now there's hardly a genuine smile on my face. worse, when i'm told that i've to teach in the afternoon session i feel like i've fallen further. i feel like a ball being tossed about.
and sometimes in life you learn that things are not what they seem to be. that there are underlying meanings and connotations that all pretend not to notice. sometimes you feel like screaming your heart out to stop this madness.
there's nothing to smile about in my life right now. there's a metaphorical hole in me, just like Salman Rushdie's character Dr Aaziz Sinai. i'm trying so hard to fill in the void, but i don't know how.
(i can't help but wondering if what i'm going through is a typical process of displacement/dislocation...see? despite my emotional outburst i'm talking about postcolonial theory!)
to be frank, to have someone would have been wonderful for me right now. i can't handle this alone.
i wish i can go back to the days of idleness and ignorance. for a while.
2 comments:
nora....sedih pulak bila nini baca entry kali ni...nampak nora sgt2 tak happy dgn sek baru..
nini pun pernah gak rasa gitu sbb dah pindah ke 5 buah sek..setiap satu macam2 pengalaman dpt..yg sedih ada..gembira pun ada..
nini rasa nora kena buat sesuatu so that tak tension lg...decide the best for u..
doa agar Allah SWT beri yg terbaik utk kita.
kak nora,
why don't u apply to teach somewhere else i.e private colleges? sometimes a change would do u good, i think.. but for the time being hang in there sis!
love,
shahid
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