The Spiritual Journey: A Journal on Umrah Trip

taken from my Travel Journal

19th May

Sazi and i are on board Saudi Arabian Airlines airbus now. we've been travelling for 1 hour. i forgot how cold it is to be in an internationally bound flight. there are a lot of clouds, so it's quite a bumpy ride.

21st May

there's so much to write but i was tired! we reached Madinah at 11pm Malaysian time which was 6 pm local time. i was cheated SR15 after the porter delivered the bags to the bus. we reached Dalah Taibah Hotel and we were told we could pray at a nearby mosque. the enxt day we prayed subuh there. little did i know the mosque is none other than the famous Nabawi Mosque or the Prophet's Mosque...no wonder it was sooo crowded.

we were taken for a guided tour inside the mosque in the morning at 7 and waited to enter the Raudhah section, which is a piece of Eden on earth. it was also where the Prophet was buried. it 's a crowded place as people all pushed to be able to pray there. i managed to pray there, but in dire circumstances. we were told to exit as soon as we finished sunat prayer.
Prophet's Mosque/Nabawi Mosque

after the prayer, we shopped at Madinah's various shops. true to wha my fried As told me, most shopkeepers speak Malay and were eager to have us enter their shops. they like to call us "ya siti rahmah" i bought scarves, robes, souvenirs.... some sold their wares on the streets, and apart from buying the stuff, we also sampled some local fares. my students told me to try their kebab and ice cream, which we did. i can see why ice cream is so popular, because it's hot there! anyway, it's not always about "melontar" as our ustazah calls shopping, we alsop prayed at the mosque 5 times daily.

on 21ist, we were taken on a guided tour to Quba' Mosque, where we prayed sunat then we went to a dates farm. Quba' Mosque
this was, i think, least resembled what dignified and repentant pilgrims should be like, as we "attacked" the dates shop like there was a Sogo sale. everyone rushed to buy dates and chocolates. then we were served with hot mint and date tea. after the purchase, we made our way to Jabal Uhud, where Uhud Battle took place. this is where Sayyidina Hamzah was buried with 2 other martyrs. we also visited Qiblatain Mosque but we didnt go inside.

23rd May

We went to pray in Raudhah and we said goodbye to the Prophet. at 10am we left Madinah for Mekah and i think i miss Madinah. of course, there are little quirks here and there especially when some big Arab woman was angry with me or the scene when i was turned away because i had shopped goods with me (shopped goods and cameras are not allowed in the mosque) but there was an informal air there. i also miss the ever authoritative young mak guards who would cry out "baji, baji...lesta, lesta" and some other arabic words.

the journey to Mekah took 5 and a half hours. it was a very hot day for us. even "hot" is an understatement. the air was so dry that you have to drink so often. my lips are chapped too, so the lip balm and a bottle of water became my companions - must haves in the bag. anyway, the air was arid and dry, and with it you could feel the hot air. i guess this is what Salman Rushdie calls the desert wind. along the way we only saw barren hills and land and rocks, plenty of them. it's normal to see abandoned shophouses and gas stations, i think it is mostly because of the haat and though they could reap profits from the R&Rers, it could backfire too. we stopped at 1 stop - where there's a restaurant and a mosque. the briyani rice was expensive but dry and salty. still, we continued our journey. oh i forgot to tell you that we miqat at Bir Ali, to mark the beginning of our ihram state. our muttawif led the doa and talbiyah and i cried the 1st time i recited it

Labbaika Allahumma Labbaik. Labbaik La Sharika Laka Labbaik. Innal-Hamdah, Wan-Ni'matah, Laka wal Mulk, La Sharika Lak.

‘Here I am O Allaah, (in response to Your call), here I am. Here I am, You have no partner, here I am. Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to You. You have no partner.’
Masjidil Haram in the afternoon, 40 degrees celsius


Masjidil Haram, near to King Aziz's gate
after isya' 32 degrees celsius

We reached our hotel just after Asar, and after dinner, we walked to Masjidil Haram. as we came late, we could only pray outside at the courtyard of the mosque. after isyak we performed our umrah. the first sight of Kaabah was very emotional, and like my niece Inas said, was a surreal experience. there it was, the house of God, Baitullah, in black and gold, in its glory, and i saw worshippers tawafing. we were lucky as we stayed in our group with our Muttawif leading the recitation. we passed Maqam Ibrahim, and then after 7 rounds we prayed sunat tawaf facing the Multazam. nobody told me this, but instinctively i knew that i was supposed to doa. only later did i find out that it is mustajab to doa in front of multazam. after the tawaf, we drank zamzam and headed off for saie at safa and marwah. i never knew how 4.5km felt like until last night. of course, we were sweating in our ihram. then we did tahallul and our umrah was complete.

today we visited Jabal Rahmah where Adam re-met Eve on earth, Jabal An Nur where the Prophet received his first revelation, Jabal Thur, where he escaped from the quraisy tribe, passed Mina, and had our miqat at Ja'rannah to do our 2nd umrah. at Jabal Rahmad, we saw camels for ride. if it wasnt so smelly and we werent going to perform umrah on that day, i'd have gone for a ride. after the visit, we returned to Mekah to perform umrah for the 2nd time. it was very emotional as i felt it deeply this time and read all the required doa and saie without fail.

26th May

Yesterday we visited a camel farm.


need i say it again that they're smelly animals? however they're gentle. i tasted some of the camel's milk and it tasted like cow's milk although 1 aunty claimed it tasted a bit salty. we then went to Hudaibiyyah mosque to miqat and stopped by at a museum on Masjidil Haram and Nabawi Mosque. we then returned to Mekah and performed umrah for the 3rd time.

27th may

yesterday we did umrah for the fourth time and after that we were free. had a briefing for balik kampung after lunch. our muttawif reminded us to not exceed the baggage weight of 30kgs alloted by Saudi Air. MAS only allows 20kgs.today we did our last shopping. surprisingly the sellers here dont call us Siti Rahmah like in Madinah.

28th may

we did our Tawaf Wida' and prayed that we'd return to Mekah. it was very emotional looking at Kaabah for the last time. i'll never forget the miracles there - the air outside was hot and dry, but the wind that blew near us at Kaabah was cool and refreshing. i ll miss reading quran there, or looking at the intricate carving inside Masjidil Haram or its typical Arabic lamps, and i'll miss praying there, listening to the imam's melodious and eloquent recitation of surah. and i'll miss making new international friends there - i met ladies from indonesia, turkey, egypt, india and pakistan and though there is a language barrier, we share the same religion and that makes us sisters.

at 3.30pm we departed for Jeddah. along the way we stopped at a floating mosque (not terengganu's version) to pray asar. it's next to Red Sea.

our flight was scheduled at 9.45pm. anne smsed me along the way and i told her i couldnt find baklava for her. arriving at the airport was a problem - as we had to find trolleys and it's hard to find them as jeddah airport is small...at that time we missed the convenience of facilities at KLIA so much, as the size of the bags had increased dramatically due to incessant shopping for souvenirs and also the 10litres of zamzam given free by the govt of Saudi Arabia.

29th may

finally, we reached KLIA at 1.30pm. i was overjoyed to see lush green hills and land.

the spiritual journey is an eye opener. at the holy land, everybody is equal whether you're a datuk or a tengku or a tun or a king or a cleaner or a labourer, which is why men wear white ihram, and which is why regardless of ranks, we tawaf and do saie, as in the eyes of Allah, we're equal. i learnt that humility is the best, any inch of pride or malice or greed in us and we will receive retribution - swiftly.

Masjidil Haram is calling again, and i will heed it's call insyaallah.

another new chapter

i spent the weekend with my family and true friends.

on saturday nite i lepaked again with inas and farah at Section 14 until the wee hours. had a few hours of sleep then in the morning i met my childhood friend dina at ikea's restaurant. it's so good to see her again after 2 years. and we talked and talked, until i told her i had to make a move for the next agenda - the reunion with my seri puteri classmates.

the girls had been talking abt al -rawshar restaurant for weeks, even anne and ella who work in Johore. i, of course, was clueless abt what they're talking about until yesterday. the restaurant is located at jalan damai, and you have to turn into the lane next to Sucasa apartments and bypass SMK Seri Ampang (where i did my practical some eons ago). and there we were, the 5Ilmu girls - shidah, zana, as (the national education philosophy stresses on moulding a well-rounded person, and as is the living embodiment of it) june with her daughter, anne, ella and her son and me of course. when we reached the place, i felt like i was in an arab country, since i saw only arab men. it felt uncomfortable with the men outside, so we requested a private room, and we got a whole room decorated in customary arab red with arab styled cushions to ourselves. and while we enjoyed the delicious arab fare (i discovered that i love lamb), we talked about our lives, about why as decided to quit her job as a medical specialist in selayang hospital, about their upcoming business venture...about all sorts of things. we're more like sisters now, since we've been communicating about everything via yahoogroup and sharing problems together. the group is strong in terms of giving moral support and i appreciate them for this. because they do not judge me, (like some people do in another group i belonged to) they accept me, but they give me advice no matter how blunt they have to be. and the best thing is that we've known each other for 22 years. what i admire the most about them is that they're all ladies with high integrity and are high flyers in their companies (businesswomen, doctors, pharmacist, engineers, chemist) but they're still well-grounded and value life, being humble and faithful muslimahs. and they helped me to become a better person. last night, As called me, asking about my final preparation and i asked her should i ask for forgiveness from a friend who has hurt me with her words. and being a good muslimah, she said "nora, you should ask for forgiveness from her. i did so when i went for my umrah" that didnt sit well with me for awhile.... "you mean i've to be humble?" "yes, nora, even if it means lowering yourself. because when you're in mekah, you cannot have a trace of anger or pride". and so i took her advice.

so i take this opportunity to ask for forgiveness to those i've hurt through words, actions even for those who've hurt me in the past. i'm about to embark on a spiritual journey to cleanse my past sins, sorrows and hurt and to commune with God. hopefully i'll return and start a new chapter in life with a new hope.

peace be upon you.

coming home 2 KL

on thursday, my last day at school b4 i embark on my spiritual journey, the teachers came to salam and to slip some "gift" and asking me to pray for them. my friend sazi was surprised to hear this, but i told her it's the culture here in terengganu (to slip the gift). when they came i was busy marking the exam papers, as instructed by the principal. i've only 1 class left, which i've to hand over to another teacher. as i submitted the marks to the Sec of Exam Unit, she asked me if i'm taking flight. i said no.... i'm driving. and she was shocked. for someone who knows the roads in KL and is used to moving about, i'd feel handicapped without my car if i'm in KL for more than 2 days. and probably because i learnt to depend on myself rather on other people, because i have to.

yesterday i drove in a sunny disposition in my trusted Honda City, listening to my mp3s and eating big delicious pau (given by one of the teachers especially for the journey). as i was driving i received numerous smses from students and ex-students, wishing me happy teachers' day. and as i was nearing KL i realised that i wanted to reach KL asap, because i miss my family and friends. and i realised that although technically my hometown is KT, it felt like i was returning home when i reached the last mtd prime toll in gombak. as usual, KL infamous traffic jam greeted me, and because i was heading towards PJ, the traffic was quite smooth but slow.

i reached kelana jaya with a migraine despite the quite glum weather. mother was sitting on her throne as usual, and little adam was around to entertain - he's the 3rd generation of our malay-chinese bloodline.

and last nite i had a girl's nite out with my niece inas and we lepaked until midnight (would have gone further than that but experience told me to go back b4 calls were made).

it's good to be back home

Thank U

this song is a powerful song, written by the feminist Alanis Morrissette, and after going through some difficult time, i would like to dedicate this song to my true friends who've been with me through the thick and thin. you know who you are. thank u.

how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
how 'bout stopping eating when i'm full up
how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo

thank u india
thank u terror
thank u disillusionment
thank u frailty
thank u thank u silence

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive u
how' bout grieving it all at a time

thank u india
thank u terror
thank u disillusionment
thank u frailty
thank u thank u silence

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank u india
thank u providence
thank u disillusionment
thank u nothingness
thank u clarity
thank u thank u silence.

coffee bean, starbucks, kopitiam

more than a decade ago, the coffee culture took Malaysia by storm. Cafes mushroomed everywhere in KL's trendiest spots, and big names such as Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and Starbucks made their presence felt. with these cafes, KLites often lepaked way into the wee hours, and now it has become a part of our pop culture. Even in the UK i found that the Brits take coffee more than tea now, so you see cafes here and there, and coffee vending machines in every R&R.

i was (still am) hooked on coffee, and my favourite was Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf cafe, where i would order the ultimate ice blended - which is what malaysians would call it as "kaw" or the most bitter. if i go to Starbucks, it'll be because of this simply sinful but divine (an oxymoron, i must say) white chocolate cheesecake.

i was so hooked on coffee that i bought the beans and ground them myself at home so i could have my gourmet coffee anytime i wanted to. it was during this time that i discovered that much as i love my coffee, i cant take it regularly as i become jittery. just ask my niece Gina, of the incident when my head went haywire in Melbourne when i had coffee for breakfast for 2 days in a row.

with the discovery, i stopped taking the cuppa joe, and switched to cocoa instead. okay, it's harmless, but it doesnt have that tantalising and seductive aroma of coffee. trips to coffee bean and tea leaf meant non-caffeinated drinks, which was kind of boring for me.

we often glorified the western cafes, but Malaysia also contributed some to the history of cafes, because we have our own kedai kopi and kopitiam. my first encounter with kopitiam would be the urban Little Penang Cafe, where they use classic Chinese furniture found in any typical kopitiam. of course, when i go there, i dont drink coffee, i go for their char kuey teow (using chopsticks, of course) thanks to my Chinese roots. and years after Little Penang Cafe, updated and urban kopitiams slowly begin to appear, competing with the Western chain cafes.

so why am i writing about coffee, cafes and kopitiam today? because i just had my tea at kopitiam. i prefer kopitiam because it has the local touch to it, you see Chinese stools and tables and Chinese paintings, you also see everyday people enjoying meals. they serve Chinese dishes (halal of course), of which Malaysians are familiar of, and snacks such as roti bakar with butter and kaya, which can be found in any kopitiam.

yes, i still do frequent Coffee Bean and Starbucks, ordering non-caffeinated drinks and a piece of cake, sitting on the plush (well may be not so plush) chocolate sofa. may be this time around i'll try the ultimate blend again. i'm equally happy at the local kopitiam with our local setting. why? because we're of hybrid culture, the marriage of the local and international culture. so, whether it's Starbucks or kopitiam, it doesnt matter... it's the company that counts. and the food.

A Tribute to My Mother

My mother is an extraordinary woman. a woman of strength and character. she has lived through the British rule, Japanese Occupation and seen our country gain independence.

my mother was born a Chinese but was adopted by a wealthy Malay songket merchant. she's used to luxury (imagine walking to town in gold embroidered sandals) until she was married off during the Japanese Occupation to my father, who was 17 at that time. she was 14 (god, i didnt know anything at 14). being married to my father meant a change of lifestyle, as she had to be a housewife, during troubled times. she used to tell us stories of escaping to Setiu to find shelter when there were air raids, and to make ends meet when economy wasnt prospering.

as she recollected her memories of the past, i could detect sadness, like when one of my brothers died during infancy. or laugh at her retelling of how she ended up eating only bananas on the way back from Singapore after a diamond shopping spree.

mother's love knows no bound, and she'll go at all length to make the children happy. when i was in Seri Puteri i expressed my desire to have a certain dish (sambal goreng) brought back to school. before i knew it, she was making it. i told her she didnt have to go at such length to do it. i got a stern reprimand from her. she said "this is mother's love for you. a mother never forgets the children's wishes".

i was close to my late father, so when my father passed away, my mother's attention was solely on me. that meant every action was scrutinised. i couldnt understand this at first, but my siblings told me this is because i'm the only one she has left (that she can bully). she was calm and composed when my father died. but six months later, she suffered a stroke, which left her half-paralysed.

when i graduated, my mother insisted that i return to terengganu to teach. being away for so long, and having friends in KL, i rebelled. i was offered the post of journalist with the NST, and dreamed of a writing career, my dream since i was in Seri Puteri. but i had to turn it down. it was a difficult time for both of us. being the youngest, i matured late; and only these past few years did i realise my wrongdoings.

my mother, despite her constant nagging, is a loving mother. she has so much steel and brain in her that we used to joke she'd make either a good Mafia leader or a businesswoman. thus, when she was diagnosed with cancer stage 3 last year, we were devastated. i was very upset when i saw her one day, so aged, wanting to give up on life. she just didnt care about life anymore. it was the hardest time for us, to see our strong mother thus.

now she is among her loving children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. our grand matriarch rules the roost again, but from her bed. our wish is to make her feel comfortable and happy, because she has made us the people we are. i love u, mother.

Unanswered Questions: a poem

Why do men always break our heart?
They woo you with words so sweet
That you cant help but melt
They treat you good that you feel
You're the luckiest gal on earth
But once they detect a flaw (or they fancy some other better creatures)
They slip away quietly
And you're left puzzled.
Do they think you are such a heartless creature
That they can just leave you
And that you wont feel the hurt?
To toss around when we're unwanted?

We've been through this cycle since primordial time
They come, they conquer, they leave.
such patriarchal beliefs should stop.
We are persons of our own right
We have equal claims to education and career.
Why cant we have the same for relationships?
Why must they have the last say?
Why must we comply at the expense of our broken hearts?

I'm tired of this stupid charade
Of men chasing 36-24-36
Or ogling at a C or D cup
You have to play their game in order to be "happy"
You have to be tiny or bountiful in the upper department
But they can be pot-bellied and vulgar.
What gives?
If they are so visual, they should take a look at themselves.
They are not Brad Pitt, so why should they ask for Angelina Jolie?
But this is the oppression that will never stop.
What happens to good decent women like me?
Are they scared of intelligence?
Scared that they cant answer the questions
That require honest-to-goodness answers.
Why do they break our hearts?

nostalgia at its best

Seri Puteri thoroughbred, Form 1 Ilmu

my seri puteri friends were talking about our old school pics in our yahoogroup email. june (or known as june o'hara) has scanned this pic, and when i viewed it this afternoon, a drop of tear fell. yes, call me a sucker for anything nostalgic, because i was transported back to the year of 1986, when this pic was taken. in fact, i know i had this pic before, but somehow i lost it. the funny thing is everybody looks so skema...so innocent and naive haha. i remember we took this pic with one senior (a prefect) who was in charge of our class for assemblies (and checking nails to see whether they're short or not....that's what you get when you're studying in a top girls boarding school). some of the girls are in the yahoogroup - like Ella from batu pahat, now a successful entrepreneur, Ina, an MPM officer now on leave to follow hubby to Sudan, Syeeqah, working for Kedah State Govt, Fezzy, a doctor specialising in pathology and now lecturing in HUKM, Anne, working as an engineer with Kimberley & Clark, As, a doctor specialising in hepatology attached to Selayang Hospital, June attached to Maybank as legal officer and Normi in Zyratex. only shidah and zana are not in the pic as they joined us later in 89. there are a lot of other girls in the pic whom we've lost contact with...but are with us in our memory, as we've been classmates for 5 years. well well, we've come a long way, girls.... i miss those days.


note: i'm not wearing any tudung here (as most of the girls), and although i had started wearing glasses then, i wasnt wearing any glasses in this pic.

They call me Miss Nora

those who enrol in teaching pedagogy classes will always hear these words from their lecturers - that teaching requires the teacher's ingenuity, and even prepared with only a white chalk, a teacher can do wonders and teach.

after 11 years of teaching, i believe that student-teacher rapport is the best in ensuring an effective teaching and learning process to take place (though now i dont know if the process does take place). consider what goes on in my current classes in school.

in my Form 4 Ikram, the best class.

Syakirah: teacher, no need to teach la today teacher, so tired la.

me: i dont care, you still have to write the 350 words essay on describing places. start brainstorming now! Pravin! the government gave you the table for you to write it on! When i was in Seri Puteri....

the whole class: awwwwwwwhhhh

Pravin/Weng Ju: This is madness! (in mock anger)

Nagend: teacher what about the moulin rouge? (naughty smile)

Nagend is the typical cheeky boy who always gives me headache in class when he starts thinking of other things. today we learnt diphthongs in phonetics and he gave me this one kind of naughty smile when i said "diphthongs".

me: Nagend, i doubt there's an ounce of pure thought inside your brain.

Pravin: (being the smallest in the class, and the most naive, turns to Nagend) what diphthongs are you talking about?

Nagend: (giving them a knowing look) you know, thongs.

and i gave the boys a hard stare.

in 3 Harmoni, where making noise, being a busybody and reporting are the norms.

Andy: teacher, Chua just said the F word.

me: Lim, stand in the corner. no F words please, or i'll chilli your mouth. Andy, if you stop being a busybody, this class will be a better place..

the whole class: wwooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Safwan, Aizat: teacher, Shahril just spoke in Malay teacher. 10 sen, 10 sen.

me: Shahril, 10 sen please....

this is a typical day for me in class, aside from teaching them, the students are, well, teenagers who make the lessons entertaining, without them, i'm just a normal teacher who makes a student sleep.

it's gettin' hot in here

that's the line from Nelly's song. dont ask me the title, because right now i just cant recall the song. only that, it is really hot in here! my house is unbearable, it's like a furnace. i thought of installing an air conditioning unit at the living room, but i've to call someone to do some tinkering at the airdraft and all that is just plain leceh. so now most of the time, i escape to my own haven, which is my room. cookie accompanies me as well.

even in the morning, i'll be sweating. the air is completely dry, i kept fanning myself at 10.35 in the morning in class! trips to the canteen means iced cold drinks, and most of the time it's lime juice. ah, lime juice...with heaps of ice cubes, which i caution the drink lady, to put less since the ice can cause soreness in the muscles. if in the staffroom i'm the first to get so cold because i'm facing the air-conditioning unit, now i welcome and embrace it like long lost friend.

god, i'm melting!

Hang Tuah or Hang Jebat?

i'm very much disturbed with what's happening in the political scene in my state. before this, my state is the sleeping underdog if compared to big giants such as selangor or perak, despite our so-called "rich" natural resources found on our shores (one wonders why, despite the petroleum found, terengganu is still one of the most backwards states in malaysia, nevermind that Kuala Terengganu has become a "city". where hath the abundance gone?).

now, as a loyal citizen and local of Terengganu (despite my absence due to long years of seeking knowledge) i would like to implore to the readers to remember Hikayat Hang Tuah. it is something that our children are taught in schools in Sejarah. but how many really understand its implication?

the story of Laksamana Hang Tuah's loyalty to the Sultan of Melaka is legendary. despite the modern historians' deconstruction of Hang Jebat's label as loyal friend and erasing the label of being a traitor to Melaka, one should not ignore the fact that Hang Tuah epitomises the model malay.

"Tak kan melayu hilang di dunia" ( perish not will the malays from the eyes of the world)

how proud a Malay feels to utter this line, which are immortalised in bronze in our National Museum. yes, one feels proud. but to just feel proud than to actually practise it wont make us a phenomenal malay like hang tuah was. hang tuah epitomises this line because of his loyalty to his Sultan. that is what the malays do. we are the subjects, and we should respect and be loyal to our ruler. remember before the Brits came we were all the Malay Sultanate States, and we should preserve the tradition and respect the Sultans.

the actions of some VIPs in my state is what i will call it as the Hang Jebat actions. remember that our actions reveal our characters, and i must say, these are the actions of pleibeians who are trying to mimic the great rulers but sadly, fall short.

the people are no longer pleibeians here. we are no longer blinded by facades. we demand for our rights, to return to us what is ours, and not to some pleibeians who think they are the deserving ones. the Sultan is a wise and educated man (thus, he's not a pleibeian) who is our protector and saviour.

might i remind those stubborn stuck up pleibeians to become Hang Tuah or else, Hang Tuah's famous line will perish. and so will the trust in them.

the ptk exam

ptk. every government officer's nightmare. it's a big joke actually.

whoever thought of this ptk exam must have been out of touch with reality. and also because he doesnt have to sit for the exam.

rule no. 1. you don't evaluate a teacher's performance by looking at the scores of the paper. you observe them in class, at how they're teaching. you dont judge them by asking them about piaget's learning theory or some particular circular dated at watever month and year.

the teachers have to sit for 2 papers - the general paper, and the teaching and learning method paper. the joke was, i blasted the 2 papers, not knowing what i was doing. i scored 4 for paper 1, and scored 2 for paper 2. my friend ina at mpm laughed when i told her my results.

those who're at DG44 voiced out their dissatisfaction over the ptk. i told one of them, i spent 5 trying years to get my masters degree, and yet i'm still stuck at DG41, and worse, have to endure the exams as well...

talk about unfairness.

for this year's paper, i was prepared. i bought the textbook and crammed like nobody's business. it paid off actually. the paper wasnt so bad, despite the fact that i had to read it in malay (only teslians will understand why i said this).

but, it still doesnt do justice to what we've been doing. we deserve better evaluation.

it's that time again...

i hate the war of the posters. don't get me wrong, i'm not siding with any party. it's just that i do not think that there're any aesthetical values in hanging or sticking the same ol' reproductions. wouldnt it be nice if we have reproductions of monet or van gogh instead? at least we can admire the vibrant colours...

yes, what people will do for the sake of power. foucault has said knowledge is power, and power is knowledge. what he theorises is true, i guess, although the definition of power differs from one person to another. what i've discovered is that knowledge is powerful to those who has it, and wisdom is the end result. though in my case, i'm not as wise as those intelligentsia nor as wise as Gandalf or Belgarath or Dumbledore. but i cant help and sit back and feel a mixture of incredulity and amusement as i watch the pleibeian drama unfolds...

dear god, save me from this mayhem of facades!

happy singles awareness day

let's just say i never celebrated the tut! day. not even when i was in relationships. i'm a hopeless romantic at heart, but now i'm a cynic. why is it that because of one day, the price of a stalk of rose simply skyrockets? it's like what they used to say about roti canai during LIMA, which costs RM4 per piece.

thank god i listen to my cd in the car, so i didnt have to listen to sappy songs yesterday. there were some nice romantic movies on tv, but i think a bloody movie was more appropriate (haha). yesterday, i decided to eat out. and unfortunately i chose the wrong day to dine out, because there were couples, and couple, and more couples. even a young girl, probably 14-15 years old received a bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend.

as i was enjoying my pasta my masters coursemate kak non called to wish me. i told her i didnt want to be wished. and being kak non, she sighed and then began

"you know nora, i was supposed to have a romantic dinner with my husband, but he had to work so in the end i have to have dinner with my father in law". hmm talk about being married.

"kak non, what are you complaining about? you married the guy. that's romantic enough".

then she told me what rudy and jay jay did on the radio, declaring it's singles awareness day, and that they hung up on a girl who called in to dedicate a song to her bf....haha way to go!

later that night i wished my niece nana, who replied

"happy singles awareness day to you too".

and soon we were pouring our hearts out (or what gina might have called it as 'whining').

look, to all the couples, no offence, but it's not fair that you get to celebrate your "love" whilst we the singles get to sigh and watch while you're on cloud 9, getting roses and chocolates and god knows what else. just like the feminists fight for the rights of the women, or the intelligentsia and the postcolonial literary scholars fight for the rights of the colonised, we the singles also fight for our right. because we also deserve to celebrate ourselves.

happy singles awareness day.

my nephew the actor

during the school hols, my filipino sis in law mentioned to me that my nephew arshad zamir was involved in an independent movie, and i was thinking, wah.... an actor! i soon forgot about it until yesterday when my brother showed me the newspaper clipping of the movie Kurus. only that i'm quited amused that this is a story of budak kampung, and he looks more mixed than a real malay.

the movie will be aired on ntv7 either late this month or early march.

appreciation

when i first taught tok jiring students eons ago (god i feel as aged as gandalf or belgarath), i was very young, bursting with idealism, encouraging my students to go the extra mile. being a fresh new teacher, i was still new at managing the students in class, and most of the time, i behaved like them too.

but i'm proud to say that after 10 years, some of the students i taught have contacted me through friendster, and i've met some of them. some of them have been successful, some are doing okay, but the most important thing is that they remember. a girl that i taught invited me to her wedding, which i did go, and after 9 years, i met her, all grown up and now she's a wife. just a few hours ago, another boy (now a man! haha...makes me feel old) met me at home, bringing her fiancee'. we've contacted each other through emails, reading about each other's stories and learning about life in the process.

my heart is smiling.

the attack of the rodent

eversince Fluffy died, my kitchen has been besieged with nightly raids by a dirty, big rodent. before the techie comes to install the alarm i thought it best to get rid of the scurrying long tailed skank. my patience ended when one morning, my container of spaghetti was opened, and my bottle of sesame oil spattered across the floor. obviously i was cursing that morning while cleaning up. one thought did cross my mind, that this is like the rat in ratatouille, except that i doubt this one has any culinary skills at all.

so i brought the container to the sink, and left it there, still not wanting to throw the contents away. the next morning, the lid of the container was missing. another thought came to mind....is this an italian rat??

and so i bought the sticky gum, hoping that it 'd trap the rat. i put some pasta and then a breadcrust. the next morning the crust was missing. but there was no sign of a squeaking rodent trapped in the sticky gum.

yesterday i bought a steel trap. the problem was, the opening was a bit small, and i doubt that the rat would be able to get in to take the KFC chicken skin that i left. yep, i was correct. it was untouched. but the rodent made a mess on the floor, because it tried to take the pasta that i left on the gum....and i guess it struggled with it. still it got free. damn....how do you get rid of the rodent?

take it slow

on last night's show, oprah interviewed the writer of "eat, pray, love", melissa gilbert. this lady wasnt happy in her marriage, so she walked out of it, went to stay in naples for 4 months (where she ate lots of pasta and gained 24 lbs) and then went to india and then to bali.

her story is about changing your life, and following your heart in doing it. she gave 3 tips to happiness which are:

1. ask yourself what do you really,really, really want (daily, if you must)
2. change your mantra (to something positive)
3. write about what makes you happy for the day.

this morning as i woke up, i did ask myself the 1st question. and i answered that i want to let go of my problems and to take it easy.

i'm good at taking things easy. so despite my bundles of 'joy' (exam papers), i went to the market, a visit that i look forward to every week; cooked a healthy lunch of veggies and organic brown rice and in the afternoon i made apple jam and baked scones for tea. i did not think of my problems for once.

and though i'm not exceedingly happy, at least i felt calm and tranquil.

the itch of the wanderlust

a young teacher at school told me her husband is in germany for a 3 month course. i felt the itch then. i told her if i were her, i would have followed the husband.





i was just watching globe trekker today, and they showed all the markets in the world that one should visit. they featured portobello road market, where i visited and bought my griddle (yes, a griddle).

immediately i was transported to the day when i visited the place with such eagerness and excitement. how i had a nice chat with the bloke (haha so British) who sold the griddle, who told me he's been to Johore. i'm reminded of the colourful market, which reminded me so much of petaling street.

i love the wild red poppies in the meadows that make them look so cheerful and vibrant

i remember the laidback atmosphere of melbourne, and how i love buying fruits at victoria market. i remember the good times i had there with my nieces, and how a fat sheep followed me around because i had food. at warrook cattle farm, where we saw kangaroos, sheep and more sheep, and ate scones






i remember when i reached dover before crossing the english channel, i recited matthew arnold's poem The Dover Beach.


i remember squealing in delight when i caught sight of Stonehenge for the first time.

i remember feeling mesmerised when looking at Eiffel Tower at night, or as i walked the halls of the Grande Appartment in Chateau de Versailles.




i dont have a lot of money, but once i travelled, i'm addicted to it. it's like a madness that one cannot cure. the sense of excitement of encountering something new and sampling their culture is what drives me to go to all these places.

the itch to travel is tugging at me again.

with all the things that have been happening to me, i hope to go to one special place this year, if God permits.

still the little girl

i'm a grown woman living in her own house. i'm the mistress of my own. and yet, last week, when i wanted to do something for the safety of the house, (and obviously for my safety too), i was criticised badly by my siblings.

that's when you get when you're the youngest of 9. whatever age you are, they never see you as an adult, but as a girl who can never learn to live in the harsh world. it really upsets me, because they never seem to respect my decision and keep on patronising me. of course, one even said "i know that's your house, so that's your decision..." but then went on to lecture me. god, will you all please stop that? one even said "i dont want you to one day say you regret doing this".

and this came from my educated, high flying siblings (said in the dryest tone possible).

all i want to do right now is to escape to some meadows filled with wild red poppies.

A Review of 2007 and Resolutions for 2008

my 2007 started not badly, but it picked up the pace in the middle of the year. that's when i had the most incredible experience of travelling, but despite my excitement over Stonehenge or La Tour Eiffel, i thought of home and missed it more.

come ramadhan, my world fell apart when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. i wanted a perfect picture, wanted my mother to be strong, as she's always been. her sickness devastated me, because my idea of stability just shattered. it's like a giant snowball that increases its size with every roll down the hill - it gets worse and worse.... juggling with my exam marking, coping with family problems and to be there for my mother. and as if it wasnt enough that my life turned outside down, some men broke into my house, and they're not drug addicts - but professionals using ilmu. again, i'm exposed to more vulnerability, and there are times when i feel like giving up, because i dont think i can face a worse situation than this.

i want to be happy. that's my wish. i have so many worries and tears in my life, that just for once, i want happiness.

back to school

today we had our supposed-to-be-the-first-meeting-of-the-year-although-it's-still-2007 meeting. it was a boisterous affair, what with 134 teachers around.

with the new admin, the meeting was different. our principal just loves talking, and talking and talking. soon, i was yawning like there was no tomorrow. the other teachers behaved like the students they have in class - making noise.

after what seemed like an eternity, the meeting finally ended, with the distribution of the timetable. i checked mine. okay, english class, english class, english class.... PJ....what????? PJ class???? moi???? they must be crazy. i went to complain to Ramzu, who then told me to complain to Sifu Shafiai, the master timetable maker. and i was like, "how could you give me PJ???" but it looks like the timetable is here to stay, until they decide to change it again.

neighbourliness

one of the topics that students have to learn in English (in the old syllabus, that is) is about neighbourliness. it's a shame that such moral value has to be taught in classroom, because this should be taught by the society, to be practised in the society.

i have been living at my housing area for more than 30 years, so my neighbours have known me since i was a small, cute, japanese looking girl (ahem!). there's Pak Abu, the mechanic, and to whom my family are indebted to, for all the things that he had done. i grew up with his daughter and know all of his children. then there's Makcik Munah and Along, who used to entertain me with cookies and tea when i paid social visits when i was just 5-6 years old. Along used to smoke cigarrette and would cook on turpentine gas burner. Makcik Munah is a merry lady whose laughter would brighten the house (she still serves me with treats when i visit her!) and now spends her time taking care of her grandson, and cooking for her only daughter, Dr Yah, who has now become my friend, my briskwalking companion, my student in baking class (wah i've become a sifu) who gave me a lot of tips when i wanted to go to London and Paris. Along and Pak Abu had passed away, and now Pak Abu's son, Din, takes over the father's place. i'm very touched, because, despite facing hardship, Din and his wife have helped me in so many ways. since my mother was diagnosed with cancer and that i've to stay alone, my neighbours all gave me their contact numbers, and told me to call them anytime there's an emergency, but Din and his wife's kindness extended more than that...when i was small i often wondered why my mother has a soft spot for certain people, but now i know why. because we always have a soft spot for those who are willing to help us when we're in need, without asking anything in return.

this is what you call neighbourliness, and may Allah bless them always.

headaches, headaches and more headaches.

after god knows how many days, after frantic calls and visits to the TM Point, my fixed phone line has been restored half an hour ago. only now i know how dependent i am on my streamyx. to amuse myself when i'm bored marking the papers, i sit in front of the idiot box, watching nigella cook delicious dishes, noting how many adjectives she uses to tempt us to try the recipes out.

now that i've come to the end of my marking, i'm more relaxed, although i did have a headache 2 days ago when i doubled the usual daily script quota just to be able to finish by today. god, i do hope the lembaga peperiksaan will pay us ASAP. marking the papers isnt like smelling roses and listening to the birds chirping.

i do have the phobia of staying alone now, after my privacy was invaded by the blardy drug addicts. i sleep with lights on, and with my mother's walking cane beside me. because of the phobia i harrassed the tukang kayu to install the new door ASAP, but because terengganu folks are slow-paced people who cant understand the mad dash syndrome, the door was installed 4 days after i went to the shop. he installed extra latches, as i had instructed him to, and with a shrug he commented "if the burglar wants to break in, he'll break in, even with the latches". yeah right. so much for the optimism and security.

even the the alarm system people are making hard for me. i wanted their techie to come over to assess, which they said "against their standard procedure". they wanted me to fax over the floor plan, then asked for the extended version floor plan, to which, irritably, i answered "look, only my late father knew about the extended floor plan and because my house has been burgled, i dont know where it is. that's the reason why i told you to send your people here". well at least they sent the quotation, so hopefully i can sleep better after this.

and just now my neighbour told me that there was a snatch theft in town. dear god, is anything safe now? is everyone dangerous? have we become that corrupted? i guess KTrg is finally prepared to become a waterfront city then, what with crimes that can match KL.

notice that i've become cranky and disillusioned. that happens when your life seems more like a string of unfortunate events.

Had A Bad Day

here i quote Had A Bad Day by Daniel Powter

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I dont need no carrying on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around...

i didnt have a bad day. i had a bad week. talked about being unlucky. at the rate i'm going, i'm surprised i'm still sane.

there's cerekarama or drama minggu ini (those who grew up in the 70s n early 80s will remember this) at the house, and at the same time, i was supposed to mark the 1119 papers (supposedly in peace). and then, one day, at the LDP, my car was hit by a kenari, because some stupid car in front slowed down to almost a halt (at the highway???) and i had to do an emergency brake. the next day, i was called by my neighbour, who informed me my house was burgled by some stupid blardy drug addicts (sorry, i'm really mad right now). and today, when i was on my way back (alone) to KT, the toll girl told me to turn back as the highway is closed. what???i parked my car after the toll, where most bound to the eastcoast also stopped. exchanging info was crucial at this time. my team leader was telling me go back by hook or by crook *sigh*. after a phonecall to my sis, i decided to just go on ahead, and there was a detour that bypasses Lanchang (the affected area) . i arrived after more than 7 hours driving. i decided to have dinner outside since i didnt want to face the house yet.

well, here i am, in my messy room, thanx to the stupid drug addict.my mother lost her opal bracelet, i lost my society's money and my gold chain and my gold heartshaped locket... but what amuses me is that they took my cheap sabahan rice pearls. dont know how much they got for it.

no use crying over spilt milk i supposed.

Reality Bites

has anyone seen that movie? the one starring Wynona Ryder and Ethan Hawke? i'm not about to talk about the movie, but about its title.

Today, we brought my mother (for the 1st time) to the oncology clinic. normally, when you go to any clinic, you will stare at sick people because of their abnormality. and usually, the patient will feel so humiliated when eyes are on him, because he's different from the rest.

but at the oncology clinic, nothing is uncommon or abnormal here. i saw a cancer who tied a bandanna around her head, which means she had chemotheraphy before, there's one woman who's losing hair, and another threw up noisily at the hallway just before she started her chemo session. my mother felt pain in her body, so we requested a bed for her to lie down on while waiting for her turn.

this phenomenon is not normal in any other clinic, but it is normal at the oncology clinic. i was thankful that the staff there were very understanding (as they should be) as cancer is a disease that not only affects the patient physically, but also mentally and spiritually. the same applies to their caregivers and family members. a visit to the clinic is a humbling experience, as it teaches us that cancer does not know boundaries, races or social classes. it is about human compassion, at its core.

A Break from Sittin' Down

it's that time of the year again, when i'm almost glued to the chair for more than 12 hours a day. it's paper marking time. while the prospect of getting handsomely paid appeal to every examiner, (esp. the 1119 teams, but last year's payment was only cleared in july) the torture is just beginning. it doesnt matter if you get good scripts, it pains when you get the bad ones. and worse, very long scripts at that. i really pity my eyes. plus my brain, because to those who're not in the know, we've to find mistakes and mentally rectify them. worse, to restructure the sentences. that's why grammar competency is a must for an English teacher. sadly though, there are some who're not, and sometimes i shudder at all the misinformation.

speaking of English, one of my pilot brothers told me that the pilots have to sit for an English exam, and soon it'll be made mandatory for every MAS pilot. what he's so frustrated about is that they're tested on general knowledge, and not on their skills. how would anyone know what one calls a baby kangaroo?(except for Aussies, i guess) i did tell him that the exam isnt valid, as it caters for native speakers, and MAS should have their own panel of question building, but he shook his head in dismay.

so much trouble over one language *sigh*

Cancer:A Life-changing Experience

when my mother was diagnosed with rectal cancer, my family and i was devastated. in one of my entries, i ve written that we dont bother about all of this until your loved ones or you yourself suffer from it.

most people think that perhaps by not thinking about cancer, it will not haunt them. believe me, at the rate all the Malaysians are eating, it is not impossible for it to silently creep and then launch an attack. we are not invincible creatures after all, we're just mortals.

my sister and i have read a very informative book, which is The Complete Cancer Cleanse: A Program to Detoxify and Renew Body, Mind and Spirit by Cherie and John Calborn and Michael Mahaffey. it is a must read for everybody, in fact.

this book informs us of all the food that we should avoid, which in fact, include all our favourites, which are all fried foods, peanuts and peanut products (because it gives out a substance which can cause cancer) and everything sugary (because, as the writers often repeat in the book, sugar feeds cancer), animal protein especially beef and also hormone-injected chickens and all canned, bottled and packed foods which have preservative. being a nation of great eaters, i know this doesnt suit well with our culture of eating. well, that depends on whether you want to be healthy, or to enjoy life now and have a shorter life span later and suffer in the process.

i've already talked about foods that we should avoid. here's the list of foods that are good for preventing cancer.

Cruciferous vegetables - broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, Brussels sprout.

Tomato and tomato products - raw tomatoes, tomato puree, tomato sauce. a substance in tomato, which is known for fighting cancer, is only stable when the tomato is cooked, while our body finds it hard to digest this substance when it is raw. it is advisable to eat cooked tomatoes and their products, although this doesnt mean that raw tomatoes should be avoided.

Beans, legumes and nuts- soya bean is the best of all the beans to fight cancer because it has lycophene. however, having said that, please remember that processed food isnt good because it has preservatives. traditionally prepared tempe is good, and the writers recommend homemade organic soyabean milk rather than storebought ones. in fact, last night i bought organic soyabeans and they're all sitting on the counter, soaked, waiting to be blended. but since in malaysia homemade soyabean milk is sold everywhere, this isnt a problem, only that it is watery. legumes include lentils (dhalls), chickpeas and peas, while nuts (except for peanuts) and seeds such as sunflower seeds are good for us.

unpolished grains - anything white isnt good for us, as it means it's been bleached. remember bleach is like chlorox, which means all the nutrients are washed off. therefore, white rice, white sugar, white flour are not good for us. the best alternative is to eat organic brown rice (which, despite my trepidation, tastes okay) and other grains which include quinoa, millet, organic oats, wild rice and barley. i use unbleached white flour for baking.

note: sugar consumption - for those who're watching weight, guzzling those sugar free fizz drinks is not the answer. aspartame, which is the sweetener, isnt good. i've stopped taking white sugar as well, and now taking organic molasses sugar, which is darker than brown sugar. having said that, it doesnt mean you can eat as much sugar as you want as sugar feeds cancer.

good healthy oils - good oils include flaxseed oil, olive oil and virgin coconut oil (VCO). among all these three, the most stable for cooking is virgin coconut oil. avoid margarine and palm oil (sorry, i know that this is the cheapest on the aisle, and the most available) and no, sunflower oil isnt going to make you invincible either. a year ago, my seri puteri exclassmates were discussing VCO in our yahoogroup email, but as usual, since i didnt see the use of taking it, i read, but never did anything about it. a few months ago, my sister, who is working in Kementerian Pertanian, extolled the benefits of taking VCO as her department produces VCO, (cheaper than the ones sold in health food shops) telling me how her cholesterol level had gone down after she took VCO. she gave my mother a bottle, which my mother refused to take. now, i'm planning to cook with it.

vegetable juice - fresh vegetable juices are highly recommended especially for cancer patients. this include tomato juice, celery juice, wheatgrass. however, i take more fresh fruit juices. when making the juice, use juice extractor and do not ever ever add sugar. last year, on the flight returning from my graduation, i met a friendly Chinese lady who told me that she is 60 years old. she didnt look 60 then, she looked younger. then she took out her pic when she was 40 years old. the woman in the pic had sagged and sallow skin! she had high blood pressure then. so she decided to take fruit juices only, and spent RM800 on fruits alone monthly. she hardly took rice and ate steamed fish.

it is highly recommended that we eat organic foods as this means no chemicals are used in planting them. yes, they are more expensive, but think of the benefits.

the book also tells us that our lifestyles and the products can cause cancer as well. too much stress which include anger, sadness, can contribute to cancer. our water has too much chlorine which can also cause cancer. our soaps, shampoos and facial cleansers have sodium or ammonium laureth sulphate (SLS) which also can cause cancer. even Johnson & Johnson has SLS. i know for sure that shokubutsu does not have SLS, and unfortunately, all shampoos have SLS including Himalaya products. finally, after a visit to the organic shop, i found an SLS free shampoo, I-green, which costs RM25.80 for 300ml (it has natural ingredients). those using feminine wash should also be on alert. i used Summer's Eve before this, and it has SLS as well. the ones that do not have SLS include Binari and Lactacyd. i'm now trying to find SLS-free skincare.

as you can see, i'm on the road of changing of my lifestyle by turning organic and shunning away certain products. as i was telling my friend what i read, she said "you'll feel more depressed after reading it". yes, we can feel depressed, even the writers of the book has mentioned it. but this is after all, OUR LIVES, and we still have time to change. would you prefer to live a healthy life and looking youthful, or to be in a hospital bed with wires and tubes, or even worse, going for chemo sessions??

i hope that after reading this, you will not forget it because you have a hectic life. i hope that after reading this, you will take time to reflect on your life, and how you want it to end. like turning evil, it is so easy to just be complacent and ignorant. to be able to change your lifestyle means you're doing something for yourself, because you love yourself.

a gamut of emotions

i was told a few nights ago that my mother is now in stage 3. i was depressed, and i quickly called 2 of my friends who are a neurologist and a hepatologist to ask for their opinion. i called one of my brothers last night, and he gave me a very sound advice "no use crying over it. she still has it". we agreed not to tell her that she s in stage 3, as it d demoralise her. yes, in my tiny heart i still believed in fairy tales that my mother would get well again and that she'd be her usual self. but that's just a wishful belief.

i went to work feeling down, and my friends were sympathetic. some suggested alternative med., some just gave words of encouragement, which are soothing, and exactly what i needed. there's one teacher whose wife has colon cancer, and also in stage 3. he told me it's all about our food intake. he now buys organic veg and eats unpolished rice. that reminds me of a friend who is a breast cancer survivor. she ate nothing but veg and fruits when we were at a course.

i went to see my mother today. she was much altered than the last time i saw her which was last weekend. her complexion is pinker, but it's her attitude. she sat there in her wheelchair and i was struck by the resemblance between her and my eldest sister who is suffering from alzheimer, who had that lost look. my mother is a fighter, a woman who knows her own mind, and very opinionated. i didnt understand why she lost her gutsy spirits. later i found out that my mother was upset that she's going to be discharged. she's worried that she's going to be a burden
to us. it's very frustrating to see that she's quiet, and doesnt reprimand anybody.

this is life, it's a bed of roses, but with thorns.

first day raya family communion

it is universally known that children always flock to where their parents are during festivities. we flocked my mother's ward room yesterday. she had been transferred to a smaller room due to the lack of staff, so that means not much room for us to hang around.

my mother, who was so used to being the queen of the house, had to wait for us to come. it's sad to see her thus, a strong woman who raised 8 children, to be so frail, with albumin fed to her through the tube. she is quiet, which is unlike her, but at least our presence helped to ease her pain.

in terengganu, we used to take half an hour to take family pictures, but this year, we brought the family picture taking to a new level when we took pictures beside my mother in the ward.

the first house to be attacked was my sister's house in ampang, which is near to the hospital. so it was a full house, full of merry making and laughter. then, we quickly tidied up things and left for my other siblings houses. we are now suffering from too-much-food syndrome: lontong at my sister's house, nasi tomato at my bro's house, and my other sister served nasi dagang (which i didnt take because i was too full). at my eldest sister's house, my bro in law served his famous extra fiery hot hot rendang (which i took only a little dot since i didnt want to invite gastric pain). today, my bro in shah alam will hold his open house, with nasi minyak and spaghetti bolognaise.

more food consumption.

balik bandar (as opposed to balik kampung) for raya

for the past 3 days, sympathetic friends took me out to buka puasa at secret recipe. it was fun to go out with friends, when you're all alone in the house, wondering what's going to happen to your mother, and wondering why KL is 400km away.

yesterday, unlike other people who balik kampung, i went against the conformity (with remorse, i might add) and came here to KL. the flight wasnt even full. my only consolation was anuar and elina's Suasana Hari Raya on my Sony Walkman hp.

at the hospital, my mother is still weak, she only talks a little, which is unlike her. but the surgeon wants her to sit on the chair so that she will feel alive once more. her protein level is still low, so the solution now is to increase her protein intake.

after the visit, i helped my sister to cook lontong for raya. this is a most excellent menu as i simply love, love, love lontong! especially with kuah kacang. my sister made a lot of it, since we're expecting the family members to gather here first after paying homage to my mother at the hospital.

it's not our typical happy hari raya with laughter, but what is important is we're all here.

selamat hari raya