The Buka Puasa with Nephews n Nieces

(pls click on the title to view pics in facebook)
it has been a tradition for my family that the younger generation would go out during raya and bond with each other. it is a fun thing to do, since most of the cousins don't see each other that often until we congregate for raya. past gatherings were done at various places including pizza hut, starbucks, and at pantai batu buruk (at night). when attending the gathering i always get this warm fuzzy feeling of familiness and togetherness, just like in the song Family Reunion by The Ojays, from Madea's Family Reunion OST.

It's so nice to see
All the folks you love together
Sittin' and talkin' 'bout
All the things that's been goin' down

this year, we had it earlier - in the form of a buka puasa at my place. actually, i didn't really volunteer to be the host, it was "volunteered" by a niece on my behalf who said that it'd be a good idea to buka puasa at my place. *sigh* actually they wanted to have OM burger at ampang jaya after the buka puasa...

Lina requested that i made tiramisu, and i really reduced the amount of sugar so that it tasted just nice. i even scraped the sugar topping off from the spongefingers. the cleaning lady came as usual, but the cleanliness of the newly mopped floor was marred when i was carrying the mix fruit cordial and the handle came off, splashing the orange liquid content everywhere *sigh* thank god lina was there. we then went to find ayam pusing, but didn't find any at ampang jaya so at last we bought 2 roasted chickens at maxvalu. it was nice to have people in the house, i didn't mind one bit when my nephew in law romy slept on the carpet (his favourite pastime is to sakat me, because we're of the same age. he can be annoying at times). then i made padprik, and later Abg Aziz's children came (inas, nana, atie and hudai), then farah & yusri and abang & dian. not many attended, granted, but we had fun and there was a lot of laughter the whole night. abang's guffaws were very much distinct. the main topic was facebooking, and from a comment about how abang posted the trailer to old tv shows like the fantasy island, little house on the prairie, set us all in a long discussion, while some proclaimed to be younger because they couldn't remember all these, while those who could were older.

then it was buka puasa time. even then they still had time to sakat me, as i bought paper plates and they complained how the fragile plates could collapse under the weight of the food. i was even sent to maxvalu to buy more drinks as the drinks in the tong finished. after praying, we still talked and talked, with frequent trips to the buffet table.

in the end we're all stuffed. really. i archly asked abang if he still wanted the OM burger. the answer was no. and so at 11 pm last night, after a night of food orgy, the buka puasa ended.

it's tiring, but a nice one. we came up with a conclusion that we've become more "matured" over the years as now the gatherings are done at our houses instead of eating out.

Reminiscing

today i woke up with a lot of stuff in my head - to settle all my savings, to go to school to fill up my CRK form, to go to Tabung Haji yadda yadda yadda...then suddenly i remembered that today's 26th august. 18 years ago to this day, my father passed away. at 6pm to be exact.

my father was a good muslim. he taught me quran till i khatamed...and he made sure all his children have good education to become successful in life. in a way, he's a man with a vision long before Tun Dr Mahathir concoted Vision 2020.

i don't wish to talk about sad things here, i'm done with all the tears.

and so today, i made my way to Tabung Haji, fully aware that 26th august was my father's death anniversary. however, this time i went there to celebrate this day with something that would really make both my late parents happy - i finally registered to go for hajj, in 2027 although i plan to go much much much earlier via hajj packages instead of muasasah.

so alhamdulillah. i can imagine my late father smiling at me, just like he smiled at me in his white robe when he visited me in my dream 18 years ago.

The First Day

well... i survived the first day of fasting without the usual bout of migraine - yay! i stayed at home today, enjoying the holidays, and i didn't even move the car out. the main reason being i didnt want to spend money buying unnecessary food.

i'm not going to list what i did for ibadah today, because i think that that will create takbur, don't you think? you don't shout out to all the people when you do something right, then it won't be sincere.

anyway, the next door neighbour is having his house renovated, so i can hear the sound of people hammering during daytime - which is irritating, because when you're trying to relax and take a nap all you hear is the plonk plonk sound on the wall. but today i slept through the noise. probably because i'm so used to sleeping with the sound of traffic at wee hours. the work being done also means that dust flies around, and unfortunately it chooses to settle on the floor and on my car!!! arrghh!! i actually gritted my teeth and kept quiet. no point scolding the workers.

anyway, today i wanted to eat something light and not greasy so i made tosai (with alagappa's instant tosai mix) to be eaten with my chicken curry. i don't like to eat dry desserts during Ramadhan so today i made bubur jagung, which is my perennial favourite. it's a good thing too that i didn't go to the bazaar.
1. i would have been disappointed with the taste and would think that it's better that i made on my own rather than wasting my money on something that is cheap and tasteless.
2. i hate to jostle with the crowd
3. i hate finding parking spaces, which unfortunately are not that many near the bazaar.

my late mother would have been proud of me because she couldn't understand why people like to eat out.

so there.

Ramadhan this year

i've been shying away from the blog for so long, not because of anything, but because of the tiredness i feel after coming back from the gym. trust me, when you've been on the treadmill and the cross trainer for more than 1 hour, you don't think of anything else after that (except for food and water, that is). and then you only think of your bed...

so back to my entry today.

my Ramadhan this year is different than the rest, simply because this is the first Ramadhan without my mother. i don't want to sound tragic or dramatic, but i miss all those days when she prepared the meals for iftar, and i miss the day when i would plop myself onto my parents bed and wait for her to unwrap our jewelleries for Hari Raya.

but life must go on.

now that all the little devils (i mean that literally) have been chained, it's a joy to be able to perform ibadah, and i hope that i'm a better muslimah than i was last year - and despite the fact that my parents have passed on, i still feel the need to make them feel proud of me, because i know that they are watching me, somewhere.

i've written this last year, especially after my return from umrah. that the journey of the soul is a self-discovery towards being pure. i can tell you that it is not easy. and i'm sure that all of you will agree. it's so easy to bitch about people, it's so easy not to care. it's so easy to feel that you're invincible, and that judgement will stall - at least for you, anyway.

Ask anyone and one will instantly associate Ramadhan with food bazaars, buffets priced at exorbitant prices and other Raya Sales. excess only distracts one from the true meaning of Ramadhan. it is not about the worldly materials, instead, it's about our faith.

Ramadhan is a chance for one to become better. to really change. and to understand that Islam is not tedious and demanding. it requires submission and understanding that we are not absolute creatures, and that we are here for a purpose - to submit. with only purity in one's heart, one will experience sakinah.

have an enlightening Ramadhan this year, everybody.

my pilates class

every week, i will attend BodyVive workout at my gym, led by Zul, a friendly and accomodating instructor (though i think that he needs to cut down on his workout because his legs are so skinny, they are as big as my arms!). i enjoy the class very much, because it involves music, and despite the sedate appearance my students know me to have (or not, i don't know), i was once a girl who loves music (still do) and sang in class. and so, when Zul plays The Kool & the Gang's Celebration or some other great songs, i just cant resist and my body starts to sway. if anyone should come to the gym to visit me at that time, they will see this stupid grin on my face, because i'm enjoying myself.

enough said.

a few of those in the group mentioned that they have tried the pilates class before. intrigued, i made a poin to join one later. however, i was in a dilemma, because on that same day, and before the pilates session, there is abs blitz, which i really really need. in the end, i decided to join the pilates class.

let me start by saying that i've been forewarned by my fellow bodyvive member who said the instructor likes to scold people.

but i didnt let that comment deter me.

while waiting for tha absblitz group to finish, i chatted with a petronas staff who joined the pilates for a few months. she called it "tough" especially for a beginner. i was alarmed.

again, i didnt let that alarm deter me.

we went inside the private studio, and i saw the instructor. not bubbly like zul. and not accomodating either. he has a serious, monotonous voice, which can definitely lull my hooligans to sleep in 1 minute. worse, he started talking in gibberish language. i call it gibberish because even though it's english (and i'm an english teacher!), i didnt understand what was required of us - he used a lot of pilates jargons like so-and-so positions. can you imagine lifting your head and both legs almost all the time in that 1 hour frame? i can tell you, i had leg cramps after a few minutes. but i was determined, and thought how hard could this be? and so i held on, and then i felt nauseous. seriously. i wondered then how they would react if i vommitted on the carpeted floor? but i held on, more of stubborness of not giving up. you had no idea how many times i kept looking at my pink watch.

at the end of the hour, i vowed that i would never again go back to pilates class.

at the changing room, i went straight to the washroom. no, i didnt throw up. but i nearly. after that i rewarded myself with kari hantu set at Little Penang Cafe.

The Beauty of Friendship

i had the most fantastic weekend.

simply because i met my old friends, and we had fun catching up.

to my ex students who think that a reunion after a year or 5 is superb, well wait until you hit 19 years. but by then you'll be slightly (it's all in the state of mind) older and matured, and the topics are wide-ranging.

that happens every time i meet up with my 5 ilmu seri puteri classmates and we just go crazy (not wackos, just girls who laugh out loud). the gatherings are done several times a year, but now it's more of a regular meeting as our friend Ina is back from Sudan.

so there we were - me, june, shidah, anne and ina - sitting and munching at our favourite spot Chilis, talking and all the while laughing so loudly that some people from the other tables looked. i'm not kidding. seriously. we just forgot where we were and we were again those giggly teenaged girls studying in girls boarding school, reminiscing the days when Miss Hamid punished the Set B girls for not completing their summaries (they had to run around the entire netball court for how many times) or when our favourite Cikgu Poyah shushed us up when we were in Form 2 until her saliva went flying everywhere or those Friday nights when we ran up to the field to book places for "wayang".

on Saturday night, i went to my friend As' house and met up with another classmate, Zana. although this was more a sedate and quiet meeting as compared to the boisterous one on the previous night, i enjoyed seeing my friends - seeing Zana as a mother catering to her "askar" and also As - our all-rounder, intelligent, opinionated classmate - a hepatologist who has reached another level that i don't know if i can reach.

on Sunday, i met up with my M.A. Literature classmates Elison and Iris. Elison is an outgoing lawyer with the gift of the gab (of course, or else she wouldn't be a lawyer, would she?) and i remember those classes when she would cheer up the otherwise serious class with cheeky comments. and then there's Iris, who's motherly and speaks and writes beautifully, who gave me a pep-talk on the morning of our final paper presentation because i hadn't done anything as i just broke up with a boyfriend. she saved me, actually and i did well in the Stylistics class presentation.

and you know you're having fun, because when someone had to make a move, you felt sorry that the meeting had to end, and you just wish that you could just sit there and talk and talk.

that's the beauty of friendship.

Hopes Dashed and A Quiet Birthday

let me start by saying that just a week ago, i experienced euphoria. i got to know a man, who is a year older than me and single! *bell ringing*

so you can just imagine my euphoria. he would sms me in the morning, so i assumed that he keeps his daily prayers well. a very important criteria in a muslim man. he's also affectionate, and stretches my euphoria by smsing me the whole day and night.

well, the euphoria didn't last long. i guess i had it coming when he had the nerve to ask me to top his credit up - only after 2 days of knowing him! i was angry (or to borrow salman rushdie's term, angrified) and told him it's a matter of principles. 1 down.

we had our first date on the eve of my birthday. imagine my horror when he told me to drive my car instead of me hopping into his borrowed car. not gentleman at all. 2 down. over dinner, and after dinner, we told each other stories of our lives, and then he told me he used to drink. 3 down. at least he paid for dinner.

then on the way back he told me that he initially wanted to bring me to his favourite place, but he thought that i wouldnt like it. his place? a nightclub. 4 down.

i went back, feeling disappointed. at least i know the truth now, instead of being misled by just mere voice and smses.

my birthday was a quiet one. i didnt mind at all, because what is most important thing is i have my health, and i'm grateful for what i have even though everything isnt that rosy and peachy. that night my friend Dr As cooked pasta for me at her house. a quiet celebration, but hey, it's okay.

Gonna Make You Sweat

a recent spiteful remark by someone and the fact that i looked more like a panda myself in the pics created an impetus in me to actually change.

i had been at the bottom of the pit, feeling so low what with my mother's demise and the depression due to teaching at my current school, but a conversation with my niece Inas led me to the decision.

that i'm not going to just whine and do nothing about it.

that i'm going to change my life and the rest can just go and tut! themselves.

and so, i decided to go on a diet for the umpteenth time to lose the belly fat that is visible in the pics.

the first week was okay, but then i decided to make another major decision. inspired by The Biggest Loser tv programme, i decided to join a gym (which i avoided like plague in the past). i hated the gym because it looked so... masculiny and complicated. besides it's costly to become a member. 6 years back, i could lose 17kgs just on sheer discipline and determination. and back then i was on study leave. now, i'm a working woman in KL and sheer complacency in red with two horns can just create all sorts of excuses and play the devil with my will. But The Biggest Loser made the gym so attractive, as attractive as Chilli's or Secret Recipe.

which was why, on one of my excursions to KLCC, i decided to stop by at a fitness centre and check it out. the staff is friendly enough, calling me "kak" ("kak" is better than "makcik" or "nenek"). as the staff brought me to the gym, i couldn't believe it because i got excited when i saw rows of treadmills, cross trainers and other equipment; and the studio with the mirrors. i instantly signed up for 6 months.

on the first day, i was intimidated by the others who looked so poised and knew what they were doing. i couldn't even operate the treadmill on my own. one lady looked as if she came out from the Nike ad- with all the sweat, she still looked fabulous on the treadmill in that small t shirt which i know i couldnt fit. at least not in the near future. i joined the step aerobics - an exercise which i'm familiar with. but after 15 minutes i pancited and decided to do something else. it turned out that the class was an advanced class, and there were a lot of jumping with no intervals and also pirouetting. the next morning i had a major migraine plus photo phobia.

that did not deter me from going to the gym in the evening.

now, a week later, i must say that exercising has helped to improve my moods tremendously. my steps are lighter, and other than just fatigue, i'm okay.

hope to look fab during raya!

(updated with pics) Discovering the Roots: Travels to Shanghai and Beijing

the trip to Shanghai and Beijing is an enlightening one for me. not only because it connects me to my roots, but also i get to see one of the seven wonders of the world - the Great Wall of China.

the journey began in Shanghai. we arrived at Pu Dong Airport but we were held up for an hour because a fellow passenger had a high fever. 10 passengers around the affected passenger were quarantined. luckily for us, we were free to go. we then went to Cheng kuang miao, Shanghai Old Town. that's where arts and crafts are sold, and mozie and i bought some Chinese paintings from some friendly Chinese art dealers.
we found that in Shanghai, mopeds rule supreme, so it's a norm to see them honking at pedestrians. after lunch, we checked into our hotel - Holiday Inn, a nice 4 star hotel.

on the second day, we went to the Freshwater Pearl Centre. the staff opening a 4 year old oyster and scooping the last of the pearls.
it's normal to see white, pink, peach, black and grey pearls, but it's not normal to see purple and brown pearls. so i bought a purple pearl ring and brown pearl brooch. i asked to see the golden pearl, which is revered by the chinese, and that's when i learnt something abt the China chinese - ask to see something, and they will make sure you pay for it. these pearls were lovely because they're not cultured ones, they're natural pearls! 1 pearl costs RNB1280. one caught my eye - they're chocolate pearls, they look so much like chocolates that you want to eat them but hey, who wants to buy a RM600 pearl? we then went to Nanjing Road, a stretch of road full of shops selling expensive items. how expensive, you might ask - well let's just say my RM200+ Clarks costs RM300+ over there. in the afternoon, we left for Suzhou. we stayed at a cekai hotel but never mind, it's only for a night.

the next day, our guide Andy, took us to the Government owned silk factory. the silk cocoons

making silk quilt
the silks are nice, but they're very expensive. i didnt buy any silk here. we were then taken to the Gate of the City where they still have a very ancient bridge which stood for 1700 years. i love the park, the lake looks so serene. if i had to move to China, i would want to live in Suzhou. in the afternoon, we went to see a World Cultural Heritage site - Master-of-Nets Garden - the house of a government officer of a few hundred years ago. at Master-Nets Garden
after the visit, we went to shop at Suzhou Old Town, where we discovered a street market and bought Crocs for RNB15. we even saw a man pulling a monkey with an amputated leg, begging for money. i felt sorry for the monkey, because it was obvious that it lost its leg for the greed of a man. how cruel man can be! after shopping, we boarded the train to go to Beijing.

we arrived in Beijing to a rainy morning and it was 15 Celcius. we breakfasted at a muslim restaurant and received a very bad service from a sullen waitress. amidst the rain, we made our way to Tianamen square and took pics under our disposable umbrellas and rain jackets. we then proceeded to the Forbidden City. i marvelled at all the work and detail that went into making this magnificent palace - nothing was left to chance. we were told that no man could enter this palace except for the Emperor, the rest were his eunuchs, his empress and the 3000 concubines.
in the evening we went to watch an acrobatic show.

the next day, we went to the jade centre. after a briefing, we were taken to the display room where all grades of jades were sold. i bought a jade pendant and a small jade to be set on a ring.there were also bolts and bolts of silks and i bought a very pretty white silk. after that we were taken to a crystal centre. i wasnt impressed with the coloured ones because they can be found in malaysia, but i bought a very elegant and exclusive looking brooch with clear crystal stones. in the afternoon we had lunch at Cloisonne Enamelware Centre - where they sell enamelware but since they're all expensive, i bought a small enamel egg. in the afternoon, we climbed the Great Wall. it was magnificent! i marvelled at the architecture and at its sheer length and size. that's the feeling you get when you have to pant while climbing the steep stairs. you feel respect for the builders. of course, the first thought that came to my mind - how did they feed all the guards at all the towers?

the next day i could feel pain everywhere at my thighs and legs. even the bus driver laughed when i was ouching while boarding the bus. we visited the Summer Palace and the manmade lake. after the visit, we visited the panda zoo. then we went to the Russian market to shop for tablecloths and tablerunners. then we went to Ya Shao market where 2 hours is just not enough for us to shop. that night we had a dinner of Peking duck. seriously, i didnt see anything to rave about.

the next day was our last day. we took pics of the birds nest olympic stadium and went to the jewellery centre which was one of the sponsors for the games. the manager is a malaysian chinese who's very realistic and blunt about malaysians and beijing people. our last stop was at a mosque where the people there talked to me in mandarin.

at 4.45 we took off to go back home.

so what do i feel?

i just went to know how my ancestors lived in China. but as in all my travels, i'm glad i'm a malaysian.

how i miss malaysian food.

The Trip Back Home

my friend Jeet got married on the 1st so i went home to KT with mozie. the ride home was quite tiring, but we arrived safely in the afternoon. the house was sadly, in disarray. the garden resembled a jungle in dry season. i miss my house, it's a charming single storey bungalow and meant to be lived in, not to be abandoned.

anyway, i became a guide and showed mozie around. took her to the crystal mosque and then to pasar kedai payang to shop. i had this urge to buy all the colourful silks. thankfully i didnt - after paying my tailor RM350 for my 3 baju kurungs *sigh*. the only thing i regret is that i wasnt able to take her to teluk ketapang for the ikan celup tepung.

i stopped at SS on monday and tuesday, and met old friends there. some of the students were there as well for their holiday extra classes. the teachers commented that i look rounder than ever *sigh*. i've to do something about this.

we came back to KL on the 3rd, stopping here and there. we even had a picnic at a beach in Dungun, an idyllic spot for picnicking or finding inspiration.

everything went well until we had our last stop at an RnR when i noticed that the needle at the petrol gauge fell sharply. i thought that i could make it, but i was wrong. once we were in Karak Highway, the needle pointed just above E and after a few kms the petrol icon turned a bright yellow - i panicked, and i know mozie also panicked. genting sempah was another 15km or so. we were quiet for awhile. finally, after spotting an emergency number on a big signboard (thanx to MTD), we called for the highway patrol to come and fill the car with petrol. i was cautious afterwards and filled another rm30 worth of petrol at genting sempah.

moral of the story? fill the tank up to the brim when you're going for a long distance journey.

Judging People Judging You

although i don't talk about it nowadays does not mean that i'm having a whale of time at my new place. i'm surviving here, but i begin to wonder whether Allah wants me to ponder (and really ponder) about where i'm heading in life.

i know that my psyche is undergoing that transitionary shifting, open to reinterpretation stage of hybridity (according to Bhabha's theory of hybridity) - i'm still in denial and rejecting and also accepting new stuff.

but i'm not really happy.

i know that at about 5 months into working at my old place, i already felt that i belonged to the school. but until now, i still feel like a marginalised outsider at my new place. i hate being judged. but that's what people do at my place. i hate having to have my guard up, but that's what i have to do at my current workplace.

my brother was not amused when i told the family some of my wishes. he kept accusing me for not being thankful, and threateningly asked if i wanted to return to my hometown. amidst the others' voices, he couldn't hear my answer, but i told him that if i wanted to, the principal of my former school had the power to get me back. okay i admit i sounded cocky. but it's true.

what's worse, i was judged as unworthy by certain people in my elite group - people who judge me by my race instead of my professional qualification. i guess even if i have a PhD they will still look down on me. yes, when you read this you'll give this comment "ala biasa la tu". no, it's not supposed to be that way.

i had a chat with my former lecturer mr hazidi a few nights ago. he asked me why is that i want to be accepted or appreciated.

in a way, he's right. but then i'm not like mr hazidi who has no qualms in speaking his mind.

i know i'm rebellious. it's just that i'm too nice. so i let this one particular person in the elite group to steamroll and verbally insult me (who thinks that he's mr know it all, but sadly he's not). i graciously let him have his day, because it's numbered. and part of it is, like anybody else, is this need to be accepted, appreciated because we want to belong.

so i guess i just have to read a lot of shakespeare and amaze everyone. though i don't know whether they can understand Fanon or Bhabha, should i start talking about their theories.

A Day to Celebrate Educators

it is kind of disappointing that in KL the teachers had to undergo a whole day of training (as required by the JPA that all govt officers should fulfill the requirement of 7 days of training a year) on the day that teachers are supposed to be appreciated.

and it is unfortunate that our society forgets the noble deed that we have done for their children, so some are not bothered at all to celebrate the ones who shaped their lives and also their children's future.

the primary school teachers are appreciated by their pupils. but then, we're talking about pre-puberty kids here, who easily like their teachers.

it's not so in the secondary school level.

teachers are not only expected to teach and make sure the students perform in the exams, they are also the ones who have to mould the students' characters - which is difficult, imagine trying to mould more than 100 students.

i feel the sacrifice the teachers have to make so keenly this year because i find it hard to educate my students. it's a big challenge. it's even a big challenge to ask them to bring their exercise books to school, or for them to answer exercises on handouts given. the biggest challenge is to jolt them up from their fantasyland or stop them before they ruin themselves (through drugtaking, playing truant or mixing with the wrong crowd) because you pity them and wonder what's to become of them in 5 years time.

that is something the society doesn't know- that teachers worry about their students as if the students are their own children.

however, having said that, there are some students who sincerely appreciate their teachers - their role models.

these are the ones who wished their teachers today.

and these are the ones who we have succeeded in moulding - not to shower us with gifts, but to appreciate us in just mere words by thanking us for what we have done for them. yes, and i also would like to thank all my former teachers and lecturers -
Miss Norsham, my favourite English teacher who could put up with the arrogance of the Set A girls,
Cikgu Fauziah Ali - all Seri Puterians' favourite bubbly teacher and warden,
Miss Jamaliah Hamid - who told us to do more than 100 squats under the hot sun for not speaking in English on English Day (now teaching in UPM),
Dr Habibah - my first ever Literature lecturer who increased my passion in Literature with her enthusiasm and love for life,
Mr Hazidi Abdul Hamid - for guiding me throughout my TESL degree dissertation and for teaching me about life, writing and reading serious literature,
my M.A. lecturers -
Dr Carol Leon, whose gentleness made my 3 hellish and migrainish years of dissertation bearable,
Prof Lim Chee Seng - for inspiring me whenever he opens his mouth to quote Shakespeare or Donne or Milton (and for passing my M.A. dissertation so i could graduate).

i salute all of you.

while the rest of Malaysia spend their Saturday, oblivious to the significance of 16th May.

Happy Mother's Day, Mak

i miss my mother. right now i miss her nagging more than anything else. i miss her smile, i miss the way she scolded me and then said "mengerti?" in that p ramlee style of language on silver screen.

i know i can't bring my mother back to life, and i don't want to tell sad stories. but i want to celebrate her life as a mother, by telling the readers of her legacy, of which now i'm continuing.

my mother loved fragrant flowers - we used to have the cempaka telur and the cempaka keling trees, we still have the ylang ylang tree (kenanga) and gardenia (bunga cina), we used to have tikar seladang covering the orchid house (am not sure what it's called actually, but the small off white flowers bloom in clusters), bunga melati and there are 3 types of jasmines at home. she used to go into the garden in the morning and search for cempaka telur by using a galah (it's a tall tree) because she said she could "smell" its fragrance from far away. now, i have a pot of jasmine plant at my house. i plan to have more plants, but since i'm going to travel next month, i dare not add to my collection.

for the family tahlil yesterday, i made puding buih, which my late mother always made during fasting month. despite the migraine it gave me (because at 11pm i was still beating the meringue and the jelly), i'm happy to report that the jelly is a nostalgic food for my siblings as they reminisced eating the jelly during their childhood.

the other legacy is the briyani recipe which she learned some 40 years ago from a penangite. the recipe is the one that my family lovingly keeps and cherishes, and my sister made the briyani during the 4th tahlil at her house.

but food and flowers are not only her legacy. whenever i do something, sometimes i can hear her voice in my head, admonishing me for my mistakes.

my late mother should have won the award for the best mother. she gave birth to my eldest brother during the Japanese Occupation and ran for shelter to Setiu when the bombing started. she had 9 children, and fed us well. all her children are doing very well in life, and i know she was very happy with our successes. and we owe it to her.

The Biggest Loser

i'm hooked to the show. every single day i'll watch those fat people (okay okay i've to admit, i'm fat too) lose their weight and have those sexy bodies.

i was once like them way back in 2003, when a doctor told me to lose weight in order to balance my hormones. which i did, and i lost 17kgs. every morning i would briskwalk at KDE and in the evening i would do aerobic exercise. i was on study leave back then, so i could concentrate on the diet and the workout.

so what happened?

well, in the name of socialising and bonding, i would eat. SS teachers love to have feasts, sometimes we have 3 feasts in a week. and after my spiritual journey, i ballooned.

the biggest loser inspires me. okay, so i cry when one of the contestants is sent home. sometimes i jog when i see they jog on their treadmill. and i also exercise my jaw, because it's my dinner time. hehehe... and the fact that i usually cook what i want to eat makes it even harder for me to diet, since my menus can differ from one meal to the next.

but i try to eat wholesome food as much as possible. this means not eating food with preservatives (but i do eat maggi from time to time - my weakness). hopefully the next step is to actually go back to dieting. and working out.

in the meantime, i'll keep on watching the biggest loser.

My Bleating Voice

my voice sounds pathetic today. i can't shout, so that means i can't really teach in class. plus, i didn't get enough sleep last night, so this morning was like a sombre day, and even when my friend zai told me to escort the PK 1 to give away the prizes, i stood there like a zombie - i knew i did something wrong, i should stand on her right, but i couldn't care less. as i said - i just zombied.

my first class was with the hooligans. 3/4 of the class did their work earnestly, while the liat ones are just, liat. but at least they're nicer now, especially when they knew that i couldnt shout. however, some cheeky ones had been going through my handbag. i put in some hacks sweets to lessen my coughing fit in class. imagine my shock when i found a lot of sweet wrappers - and not hacks.

i feel so tired now, i should turn in early tonight and hopefully tomorrow this cough will just disappear so that i can shout in class again.

KL is just a migraine away

i was shocked to see that after a few months working in KL, i've taken 3 mcs already. usually i only took 1 mc annually in terengganu.

2 weeks ago i called my KT neighbour, Kak Yah the neurologist, to consult on some medication for my migraine.

she laughed when i told her i've been getting migraines frequently nowadays. not to mention that at the time i'm writing this, i've flu - for the 2nd time of the year.

her comment? "well, you came to work in KL with both eyes open"

that's true. life is a lot less hectic in KT and you see the calming blue sea everyday. in KL, you start to feel the pressure the moment you leave house in the early morning for the mad dash. KL schools like to have activities on saturdays, and because now i'm the AJK sambutan, i'll be standing at the gate to usher the guests and also to welcome the VIPs - under the hot sun! that leaves only sundays for me to rest which is not enough.

during this long weekend, i just love the fact that i can just relax and rejuvenate.

peace.

To Inspire: A Journey

i must admit that before i became a teacher, i thought of so many ways to avoid teaching. my passion was in writing, and during my teaching practice, i went for an interview to become an NST journalist. that was like eons ago.

however, Allah has decreed that i teach, and despite my sulking and rebellion, i had to turn down NST offer to become a journalist and became a teacher on 1st June 1997. it was very hard at first, because it seemed mundane and my heart wasnt into it. but after awhile, grouses turned into words of inspiration as my passion grew when i sincerely felt that it was my duty to enlighten them and bring them out of their safe cocoons (here i meant my students in SMKA Tok Jiring). they were a decent lot, but i had to bring them out of their safety net because they thought that being in a good school was enough. i know that being a teacher means i have to be able to build a rapport with them, to be a friend and not an enemy so that imparting knowledge will be easier. as a result, some of my ex-students still keep in touch with me, one of them took up Literature in UIA and another took up TESL and only recently called me up to tell me she's a lecturer in UITM Dungun (and i, with my MA, still teach in school *sigh*).

My years in SS are the best in my professional life, simply because the students are of good background, they know that they have to achieve academic excellence - but all the while they had a lot of fun, in a school full of tradition that churned out distinguished elites and also royal personages, like the school song goes "tradisi kekal abadi". i felt the sense of tradition because most of my siblings studied there, and had i not studied at my beloved Seri Puteri, i would have become a Sulaimanian myself. although, i must say that whenever i started my "lecture", i would start with "when i was in Seri Puteri..." and the students would groan and roll their eyes. however, i was satisfied teaching there, because the effort put in was worth it, despite the teachers being pushed to produce more A students. i'm proud of my LCDS students, especially the committee members because it was the students who ran the society, not the teacher. by running the society they learnt something about leadership and responsibility - something that is a valuable experience for their future. and there were my tuition girls - the 1119 group and also the Literature girls, who i hope i had helped mould in becoming good young adults.

out of this, one student from my first Literature class, Sharmyn, had scored 2A and is now taking TESL in New Zealand. she reported that her lecturers told her to do MA in Literature. i'm ecstatic! SS best student (and also Terengganu best student) Khairina also told me that she's planning to take Literature in English as an elective when she goes to Lembah Beringin, and today i received the word that her Literature classmates Umi and Maryam have been accepted into TESL programme.

i'm happy to have inspired my students and hopefully they will become better people and good educators.

i may not be a guru pakar or a superteacher, but my passion speaks for myself.

Mahsuri the theatre

back when i was in bangkok in march, i received an sms from sharon who asked if i wanted to watch Mahsuri the Theatre at Istana Budaya. and, being a theatre goer myself, i said yes.

last night, we made our way to Istana Budaya to watch the theatre - with Vanida Imran as Mahsuri. of course, after watching Puteri Gunung Ledang, it is hard for any other local theatre to come close to it in terms of excellence, but it was a commendable show. except that i wish they had shown what became of Wan Darus and the baby.

i think Wan Darus' and Mahsuri's dialogues are too short and therefore, their courting and also their personalities are not highlighted and do not leave an impression on the audience. however, one character stands out. one can easily hate the evil sister in law - Wan Mahura - played by Sabera Shaik, which shows that she acts her part brilliantly. i just love to hate her - from the way she walks to her blazing eyes, and that haughty look of hers.

the setting is wonderfully done, if PGL only used limited props, Mahsuri the theatre makes use of Malay kampung element to highlight the story - the house with intricate carving, the courtyard with coconut trees etc.

an ok performance.

The Aftermath of the Outburst

it can be said that the hooligans have changed a little bit. it's not a 180 degree change, but there's a slight improvement.

my friend told me not to trust them because they are good actors. but i dont like playing games. it's too wearisome.

this week i decided that my other form 4 class was ready to start the journal writing (which all my ex students had to do, and which they never kept up, unfortunately). it was supposed to be a 10 minute writing, but it was extended to the whole double periods. they enjoyed it tremendously, i could see their eagerness as they came to the hooligans class (where i was at at that time) to take back their journals. the hooligans were eyeing the papers and wanted to write journals too. it was a sight to behold to see 3/4 of the class sitting down writing with full concentration! i realised that anything to do with their wanting to learn is good enough, and that's what i'm doing.

this is beginning to sound like one of those movies with exceptional teachers like in Dangerous Minds, and i really hope they will change for the better.

The Day I Cried

in my whole 12 years of teaching, never did i once cry in class. never. but today, after 2 months of teaching the hooligans, i cried. cried not because i was timid. no, i'm not timid. i cried because although i wanted to feel noble by teaching these kids, they didn't seem to care. i was just a tree stump there, talking to the wall like an idiot.

i was about to break down and ask them if they knew how difficult it was to teach them and that they left me frustrated. at that time i remembered my ex students' comments in facebook : "come back to SS la teacher" where i was appreciated.

and remembering those wonderful times and how satisfied i was when teaching them, that made me cry.

i turned my back on them and kept my head down. i could hear them blaming each other " kau la ni yang buat teacher nangis"

slowly a few boys and girls came to comfort me.

i eventually turned around and faced them with my tear-stained eyes.

the class was quiet and sober for awhile.

on my way home i felt so emotionally drained, and so empty.

does this mean it's time to make changes?

Living in the Fast Lane

okay so i may be exaggerating. but in KL, life is like that. i'm so used to the laidback life in KT that it's hard for me to adapt. it's funny that when i first graduated for my 1st degree i was so into working in KL.

of course, i've to leave house early in the morning which is at 6.45 and take the highway and pay the toll, something that is an alien concept in KT. in KT i would take my own sweet time and then drove like a madwoman at 7.20am hehehe...

i don't know whether it's because i'm getting older (yes, i've to accept the cold harsh reality that i'm ageing) or it's a normal thing that KLites go through everyday. all i know is i don't have enough rest, because now it takes longer for me to 'recharge'. unlucky for me though, the past 3 saturdays i was working, which left only Sunday free. and only a day of rest isnt enough.

my friend shidah said KL doesnt agree with me. well i dont know. there are too many things in my mind right now. i wish i can slow down things a bit.

The Tale of the Wanderer:Bangkok Trip, 16th-20th march 2009

my long time seri puteri friend, Anne, was gracious enough to extend an invitation to join her in Bangkok where she periodically has meetings. she extended the invitation in Dec, when we were on our way to our 5 ilmu gathering in JB. last 2 months, Anne reminded me of her invitation - and after mulling it over, i decided to give Bangkok a try and booked a flight - with MAS! and it's only RM451 for to and return tickets. i didnt have that sense of anticipation, because i was so busy that i didn't have the time or luxury to plan. there was the teachers debate (which i hated) and the tuition classes (i hate the SAT classes) and also Zek's grand wedding reception (this i love because it involved eating! hehehe). i didnt even check the list of halal restaurants that Anne's colleague in Bangkok sent. but come monday, i was excited to be on my way to Bangkok. Anne has been there countless of times and advised me on the dos and don'ts. the Suvarnabhumi airport is huge - it resembles a giant worm. the hotel car was waiting for us, and we were whisked to the centre of Bangkok and there i caught my first glimpse of Bangkok life. the roads are narrower, and the traffic is even worse than KL's. i saw tuk tuk, and also saw a man selling ironing board cover in the middle of the road. just to show you that the impoverished are really poor. we stayed at Silom area, and the hotel is just beside Anne's office. after checking in, she brought me to Lailai Sap, a street market almost like Petaling Street or Chow Kit, which is just a few metres away from the hotel. that meant i could shop like mad if i wanted to.

that evening, Anne's colleague, Nazmi, brought us around Silom area, and i saw that the Thais love street food. there were stalls everywhere - selling grape tomatoes, sweet and sour unripened mangoes eaten with chilli salt, and other meat stuff. the thais could eat anywhere, even amidst the fumes and smoke of the traffic. we dined at Deen, a halal restaurant, and i got my first taste of authentic Thai tom yam - and for my sensitive tummy's benefit,Nazmi told the tauke to make it less spicy and sour. it was divine. in fact, for all the dinners in Bangkok i sampled 3 types of tomyam - the clear tom yam, the red tom yam and the milky tom yam.

on the first day, i shopped at Lailai Sap with anne's colleague's wife. anyone can go crazy here, with all the cheap stuff (including the imitations). wafts of sweet scented jasmines can be smelled almost everywhere, as the Thais use them for their prayers. the sellers will weave the jasmines and roses into wreaths, almost similar to the ones we see here, the ones the Hindus use in their prayers. the roses are different than the ones sold in Malaysia, in fact i prefer theirs. i must say that even until the last day i was in Bangkok, i still couldnt get used to the big denominations of Baht. 500 Baht might seem a lot but it's roughly around RM50, and i was so confused that sometimes the sellers helped me by telling me which notes is which. even Nazmi sensed my confusion that he told me the colour of the notes that i was supposed to give to the seller.

anyway, after feeling hot and tired bargaining, we decided to take a tuk tuk and find a halal restaurant. that's when i met Nui, the ever so friendly tuk tuk driver. his English is dismal, and yet this friendly guy managed to bring us to wherever we asked him to, and on that first day, he was telling a lot of stuff to us, most of the time in Siamese. it's like hens and ducks talking together. he brought us to the Indian Muslim quarter, and was sweet enough to wait for us while we ate. we went to the first shop, and was informed by a sullen lady that they didnt cater halal food (even though the signboard did state they have halal food). we then went to another shop not far away. out of hunger, we ate whatever was available (because most of the food and the drinks that we asked for weren't available). i was very dissatisfied with my lunch. me with the tuk tuk and Nui the tuk tuk driver

we then went to MBK, Bangkok's biggest shopping mall. by then, the mall lost its attraction to me, because they only sell the same thing. i prefer to discover "hidden jewels" at the street market and bargain. with unsatisfied hunger still gnawing, i went into a supermarket and found pulut with sweet mango and santan, and also dried mangoes and cranberries and bought those. on the second day, Nui promised to bring us sightseeing and also places for more serious shopping. he brought us to Chao Phraya, which i had been on the previous night when Nazmi brought Anne, Herbie and me for dinner at Klong San, which is next to Hilton. Chao Phraya at dusk, waiting for a boat to take us across

anyway, we wanted to see the famous water market, but that is 100km outside Bangkok, and obviously Nui couldnt take us there in his tuk tuk. the lady in charge of the chartered boats gave us time to discuss, and so we decided to take a laidback cruise along the Chao Phraya. the boat was very slow, so slow that all the other boats carrying tourists overtook us. no this wasnt the boat that we took

there were temples everywhere on both sides of the banks. occasionally, we saw a barge carrying cargo. one or two catamarans could be seen, feeding on fish, which from time to time emerged to the surface. after almost an hour and when we were almost lulled to sleep, the boat made a turn into the water village, and that's when we saw a few sellers selling wares on their sampans. i bought some souvenirs from one of them, and because they sell wares on sampans, they overcharge the wares. after the cruise, Nui took us to Pratunam Market, where he claimed all Thais love to shop because everything's cheap. Pratunam Market is bigger than Lailai Sap, but definitely smaller than Chatuchak (the market i didnt go to because it only opens on the weekends). you can find just about anything here, from bellydancing costumes to kinky lingeries. it was a hot day, and after walking and walking at the market, i was definitely tired. again, Nui waited for us as we lunched at a halal African shop. then Nui took us to see the sleeping Buddha at one of the temples. we were supposed to go to another temple with a bigger sleeping Buddha, but because of a pressing business, Nui brought us to another place. we met with the caretaker of the temple who said that he supplies thai silk to KL. we then went back to our hotel, and bid farewell to our favourite tuk tuk driver, who was clearly sad to see us go. the next day, i did my last shopping at Lailai Sap. while walking to the bank, i was mesmerised by the simple beauty of the lotus flower, just as i was mesmerised by the red poppies grown wild in profusion across the English and French countryside. i then went to have lunch by myself at Cilipadi Restaurant, a Malaysian restaurant, and it was a relief to be able to slide into the seat, watching Astro, talking Malay to a fellow countryman and eating Malaysian food. that night, Nazmi brought Anne, Herbie and me to Suan Lam market, a tourist haven. the four of us then had a foot and shoulder massage session that lasted an hour. it cost only RM25 or 250 Baht plus some tip for the masseuse. the next day, i left Bangkok. i was recounting the friendly faces of Thai people, the customary bowing and the way they put together their hands in greeting, when suddenly the ugly part of Bangkok came flooding in front of my eyes - old mat sallehs with long haired and long legged Siamese girls.

nevertheless, every time i return to Malaysia, i always feel relieved to be back home, and i always cherish the fact that i'm a malaysian.

always.

The Battle with the Hooligans

i've written enough about the hooligans in my facebook. though it's a one-liner comment, my friends and my ex students know what i've to go through whenever i teach them.

in defence of the hooligans, i must say that not all of the students i teach in the current school are such. there are some nice and good students - those who listen to my instructions and obey them. however, there's one particular class which gave me (and still do) migraines whenever i think about them (okay that's an exaggeration).

i was just talking to my fren shima yesterday, and though at first it didn't seem hilarious, it tickled my funny bone when i remembered the students' antics.

to control the class is a challenge. let alone teach. they may have the physical attributes of a 16 year old, but their mentality is not so. not that i want to insult them, it's just i get frustrated whenever i teach them. in class, there'll be a buzz because there'll be a few groups talking. some will become nomads and start changing places every few minutes. someone suddenly bursts into singing. and one boy will be walking on the ledge outside the class (where there's no corridor) because some of the window panes broke. there's one boy who, whenever he wears songkok, will start finding ways to suddenly "disappear" from class. he's better when not wearing songkok.

so you can just imagine that this is a nightmare for me, after being in a good school, and also teaching good schools.

in an attempt to appease them, and turn them into obedient students, i decided to bake a chocolate cake. of course, they finished the cake, but minutes after that, sugar rush started to have its effect, especially since my class is during the last period, so instead of taming them, they start chasing each other in class!! disappointed, i went back to the staffroom, and saw the counsellor there. i immediately asked him how to tackle these kids. the answer?

"akak, budak-budak sekolah ni tak sesuai la kalau nak bagi chocolate cake"

i asked a few teachers on what to do. they told me to divide the class - those who want to learn and those who dont. the former must not make noise, but they can choose not to listen.

in desperation, i used the tactic, and surprisingly, there were only 3 students who chose not to listen. even those who usually made noise did not want to be the odd ones out and joined the large group (although i suspect the intention wasnt' so much to learn, but just to join the crowd). needless to say, it was the quietest time for me - "quiet" here means a few buzz, but at least i did not have to shout.

it's a victory, and i came out smiling.

i dont know whether they can do well in English, but all i know is they're taking tiny steps to listening to me, and that's good enough.

the wedding banquet at istana kuda-kuda emas

one of my nephews, my late brother datuk dr abdul aziz b. muhammad's son, had his akad nikah on friday night and had the wedding reception last night. i still cant believe that Zek is married now. he still looked like a 10 year old boy as he sat on the pelamin last night. i know my late brother would be so happy to see his son married, he would be giving the wedding speech in the tone of a wise lecturer, as he often did when talking to anyone.

i still had my SAT tuition classes that lasted until 5.45, and then i dashed home to bathe and change. when i was out on the road i was dismayed to find that there was a congestion on the MRR2, but it only lasted until i entered the seremban highway. i gave a sigh of relief when i spotted the palace of the golden horses sign, but when i reached the small roundabout there was no sign anywhere, and before i knew it, i made a wrong turn and was on a small road to UPM. had to make a big turn, and after asking the girl at the toll booth, i finally reached the hotel - at 7.45pm. and when i was peering at the board looking for the venue of the reception, i heard abg zaki's voice and there was my siblings. we were seated earlier in the ballroom, and there abg mi started showing me off his iPhone, which he bought in NZ for rm2k (after being converted from NZ d). i called farah, who was unable to attend because of her pregnancy condition who asked me about the cake, the pelamin bla bla bla... then kak mah's family arrived - her mother, toh puan nik maimunah (whom i called mak cik nah) and my nephews and nieces - nana, looking ever so slim now that he's a gym freak, didi - ever so friendly, who says that he's expanding, the girls and yaya. the food was nice, although they really rationed the nasi impit in the soto ayam. i never thought anyone could cut nasi impit that small. having said that however, we enjoyed the food, partly because we're too hungry already.

the next reception (on our side) will be held next sunday night in bangsar.

And the winner is...

i tried to lie to myself that today's debate wouldnt rattle me. on the contrary, i kept waking every now and then to check my alarm clock - a sure sign that i was nervous.

it was a sunny morning. i kept thinking of the debate as the pail of water that cooled my excitement of going to bangkok. as promised, i met my teammates at puteri titiwangsa, from where we the english and the bm debaters trudged our way amidst the jam to PPD Bangsar-Pudu, situated next to Victoria Institution.

it was stated in the programme that the debate would start at 7.30am. as if!

it was a blessing that my team comprised of zany teachers, because at this time i needed their zaniness to keep me sane, after seeing the serious faced debaters - the sentul team even wore lawyer styled attire - in white tops and black skirts. i'm sure my fren elison the lawyer would be very much amused if she knew this.

and so, amidst the seriousness, farid's peals of laughter were refreshing, and that helped me to relax a bit and while the other teams were talking about strategies (including our BM counterpart) we were busy posing for pictures.

when the 1st round of debates were going on, we were ushered into a meeting room and - just moments after farid said "i hope we get the opposition", the lots were drawn, and we were the Opposition! that was enough to guarrantee our loss, because we were not really prepared for it, and we were hoping to lose anyway.

in the quarantine room, i was nervous, but i kept thinking, these ladies were with me and we wanted to get this over and done with.

at 11 ish, we started our debate, and i must say that at first we kept quiet and let the PM of the Govt had her day as we didnt want to POI even though i could detect a lot of flaws in her arguments and was itching to POI so badly. you have no idea how much i suffered, trying to bottle up my POIs and sitting there silently, giving the picture to the adjudicators that we're a bunch of idiots.

they tried to POI us lots of time. we kept denying the POIs - not because we couldnt answer them, but because we desperately wanted to lose. strange, huh? when the DPM started delivering her speech, i thought, what the heck, let's POI this lady. which i did. which she didnt reply. which i commented later in my rebuttals.

later, i told their third speaker that i had a lot to POI, but i was there to lose.

the results were obvious.

we could win if we wanted to. not to say that we're incompetent speakers. we could have smashed the govt team with our wit if we wanted to, but we purposely lost. if we had won, this means missing school, and wasting a lot of precious time. besides, if winning the debate means a pay raise, i won't mind. but my pay will still be the same.

Gema dan Rasa

the teachers at my school usually have outings together and last night we attended a dance show at petronas philharmonic hall.

despite being late (since most of them are not familiar with the strict regulations of the hall) we were able to be seated and watched the show, performed by the Petronas Cultural Group. i enjoyed the malay traditional dances, however i cant say the same when they started dancing the sabahan and sarawakian tribal dances. or the chinese and the indian dances. one can trace soft undulating hand movements of the malay dances in all the other dances, and no wonder, because the choreographers are too young and i think they should have done some research and kept to the authenticity of the dances. well, having said that, i dont mean to be a sour grape because i enjoyed the malay dances. only the malay dances.

The Unwilling Participant

right now i'm listening to Jason Mraz's Lucky, trying to calm my nerves and pretend that tomorrow isnt a big deal.

i've been chosen (cekup is more like it) to represent Zon Keramat for the Teachers' Debate. yes, you heard it right. The teachers debate. as if we dont have enough talking to do in class.

i was fuming last monday when i had to attend the briefing, just because i had already prepared the teaching materials for my Form 5 tuition at school. i do not like the idea of wasting time doing something that is pointless.

the teachers in my team are of the same sentiment. beside us is the BM team who, shall we say, very enthusiastic to win? while we are debating only for the sake of participating, we don't want to win. don't get me wrong. it's not that we're that bad. we just don't want to waste our precious time discussing points at some other school when we can be teaching in class.

and so tomorrow morning i've to plaster a plastic smile on my face and try not to do the best.