the feasting

i've just recovered from major bloatedness. sorry if i sound gross. i had too much to eat today, ah too much merry making!

i was supposed to have picnic with mozie and kak nan at the lake today. as told in earlier entries, i had prepared myself for loads of picnicking sessions since the day i bought the rattan picnic basket in june.

i made blueberry and orange cupcakes today. if i had my way ( and more time) i would have baked some cinnamon rolls, but then i was too exhausted from the gym workout to wake up at wee hours to knead the dough.

as i was about to lock the door, mozie called to say that there was no parking space left at the park so as we had discussed earlier, we went for Plan B which was to have "picnic" at my place. and because i wanted this to be a picnic, i told them i didn't want to use china, i wanted to use my plastic plates and bowls and cutlery. and so, we had nasi lemak cooked by mozie, kak nan brought eggs and cucumber and yours truly provided the dessert.

we talked and talked and laughed so hard. then i mentioned that i wanted to move to the master bedroom as i couldn't stand the noise from the traffic and plus, indah water is doing some construction work at the park which is exactly where my bedroom faced. and so, my two dear friends helped me to dismantled the bed and re-assembled it in another room. thanx guys!

after the breakfast, i had to dash to go for the family tahlil at abg halim's house in sg buloh. i was lucky the traffic wasn't that heavy. after the yaasin and the zohor prayer, i couldn't really enjoy my food as i was still bloated from the breakfast. abg mi made a lot of comments. because abg halim is the only one who likes to live in suasana kampung and has a fruit orchard, we had a nice time picking the rambutans (picking, because abg halim was the one responsible for plucking the rambutans with his galah). abg mi was enthusiastic about the whole thing - he came well prepared with a big basin to hold all the rambutans that he can get. me, i was just satisfied with a modest 1 plastic bag of rambutan.

after the rambutan picking, i went home, only to find that indah water has closed the road behind the house and so, the other cars from ampang jaya use our private lanes to pass through... *sigh* more noise! and although it is past 10pm, the construction is still going on... *double sigh*

what s to become of the future generation?

as i now commute to the gym via LRT, i get to meet people from all walks of life. usually i don't bother about their conversation, until today when i heard two teenagers talking. judging from their conversation, i would say the girls are typical uptown wangsa maju kids who have just left school. i couldn't help overhearing (i wasn't eavesdropping, they talked loud enough for the entire coach to hear) the conversation, and was shocked when the one of the girls casually talked about going to a club which she proclaimed the entry fee as "murah gile", and that they serve a bucket of beer.

okay so i'm shocked. i know that i shouldn't be, but the fact that they can be so casual and i can even say that the statement is more of a brag than anything else.

it's not the teacher in me, it's about being a mature person who has seen much and won't like the youngsters to suffer.

in one of the daily hadith sent by Anne, the writer has said that the current time is about the era of modesty seen as a lack of confidence and vulgarity is seen as an act of boldness. the girl's statement attests to the truth of the statement.

i'm very upset with all this.

isn't there something to cheer me up today?

the journey to the gym

the journey to the gym is full of temptations of earthly (or gastronomic) paradise, especially now that i've to take LRT. from far i could smell rotiboi's sought-after mexican bun and the sinful and alluring smell of famous amos' chocolate chip cookies. now i could understand Ulysses' dilemma when the sexy sirens called the sailors to the shore (and to their destruction). if i didn't have the gym bag with me to remind me of my destination, i would have fallen into the trap and devour the delicious cookies like there's no tomorrow.

and so with regret, i walked on and made my way to the gym and sweated myself.

before returning home, i heard traditional indian music - they played live on one of the floors, and playing kuch kuch hota hai!
i contemplated whether i should wait until the rush hour is over or take the lrt then because it's thursday night (yaasin reading night). i then proceeded to the lrt, and i had to again, pass the famous amos ...ah temptations!!! there many people at the ticketing counter. there were many people more at the platform. i missed 4 lrts before i could get on one. even then, the phrase "sardine-packed" paled into comparison. i could hardly see my bags, and even if you didn't have anything to hold on to, you neednt worry of falling.

well, that was my experience yesterday.

money, money, money

all throughout the year, i've been spending money like crazy. well, not exactly crazy, but almost. still can't beat my fren ina hehehe...

i was told that i've to start paying the house rent. my world suddenly turned dark, because for the first time i had to really take a serious look at my financial standing. yes, i do the budget every month. and every month i spend money like water. truth be told, i can't afford this house. i can only afford a certain sum of money but that's all. and so i was thinking and thinking and worrying, until i became stressed and slept early even on the nights i didn't go to the gym. i talked to some of my friends and they gave me some sound advice. i may not like the advice, but i know they are right. and it's really hard to go through this alone. because of the stress, i thought of taking things easy today. i had a picnic with shidah at taman tasik ampang hilir this morning.

i know that nowadays you don't see a lot of people picnicking. i love the idea of picnicking because it reminds me of those days when i used to picnic with my parents. the last time i had a picnic was with my late mother at setiu beach some 4 years ago. also, jamie oliver and nigella re-ignited that picnic passion with their episodes on cooking picnic food. i love the idea of having a cozy picnic with family members and friends. that's why when i returned to terengganu in june, i bought a picnic basket.

and so, this morning, shidah and i made our way to the lake. however, my morning already turned glum when i realised that miscalculated my monthly budget. i have to make a lot of sacrifices, and cut down on my spending. which is a big blow, because i've been indulging myself, and i mean, R-E-A-L-L-Y indulging myself.

having a picnic helped to sooth my worry a bit. probably it's the ambience, i don't know. i had a talk with shidah about my problem, and she gave me hope that i can do it because she has survived. still, i told her that it's not a bad thing if i can find a rich husband now... haha...

after the picnic, i rushed to PJ to meet my niece farah, who agreed to show me her house in subang bestari. i fell in love with the houses there. she brought me to her new house. it's spacious and i envy her. we then looked around for "for sale" signs at the new houses (such beautiful houses!) but there's none. we then stopped by at my eldest nephew's house to rest for awhile, then continued our search. i did collect 2 numbers for 2 houses, but still, subang bestari is quite a distance from KL... *sigh*

after the search, we went to OU because farah wanted to buy a birthday gift for her hubby. it was really a challenge for me not to buy anything. i can tell you that it's a challenge, especially when i saw that Jean Perry embroidered bedsheet costs only rm69!!! i tell you, it's like looking at tiramisu or smelling Famous Amous and not eat it. it's really hard going to the store AND NOT BUY anything. we passed a shop selling something which i love (but i can't remember what) and farah asked "are you sure you don't want to go in?" and i answered "no la, i might be tempted to buy and it's better that i don't see them at all". farah laughed and said "i was just testing you".

in the car, again i was lamenting to farah. farah and i have a lot in common. for one thing, she's the youngest and used to being showered with attention and being pampered. she told me that if before she could splurge, when she got married she realised that she couldn't continue her old spending habit. "but there's only me, why can't i splurge on myself?" i asked farah. and her answer - i can do that, but i won't be able to afford certain things.

both shidah and farah told me that they havent really splurged on themselves for quite some time.

some of you will understand what i'm going through. i've led a sheltered life all this while, though i wasn't born with a silver spoon, my parents provided me with a comfortable life and i'm really grateful to them.

but if shidah and farah can do it, i believe that i can too. and one more thing, this is the first saturday that i really enjoyed myself with people who are close to me.

thanx, guys.

the power of words

when we're small, we sometimes say words we don't mean, but most of the time, we're not affected by it. but as we grow older, and as socialising teaches us how to behave in the society, we tend to be considerate towards the others. that is the way it goes.

this serves well for everybody who follows this mantra. any normal adult will have this consideration and tact when dealing with people, especially with their family and friends. okay, may be i should rephrase that statement. any normal adult should have this consideration and tact when dealing with people.

recently, a tactless friend made an uncalled for comment on a friend. it was a very immature comment, and if she thought that that was a joke, the joke has done the damage.

years ago a friend called me a name which i will not repeat here. it was during Ramadhan. strangely enough, i didn't cry. i kept silent. and strangely enough, she thinks that after all these years i've forgotten the incident and tries to be friendly in facebook. unfortunately though, one does not forget.

the person i admire the most in dealing with people is Prof Dr Sham Sani, who used to be UKM's TNC when i was a TESL student. he was a very humble person, so much so that during the convocation ceremony, he parked at the car park along with the other proud parents. the rest of his subordinates waited for their cars to be driven to the grand porch. to get his staff to do a certain task, he would ask gently and politely "(mr so and so), boleh mintak tolong tak?" this is the kind of a person that one aspires to be (aside from the Prophet)- a courteous, humble, considerate intelligent person.

there are many people who just spew words that hurt other people's feelings, consciously or unconsciously. it does not harm anyone to be considerate. because, remember, you're not talking to dummies, you're talking to people with feelings. like Rudyard Kipling says in his poem "If"

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

if you don't like yourself to be alone and with no friends, then think about other people. because, in the end, words reflect your character and friends will flee from you.

chobaan

do you remember when the 3 bujang lapok say that in the movie when they're meditating?

well, i've been tested these past 2 weeks, and it's a tough test!

the first day of raya was excusable, it's raya after all. the second day raya saw me eating nasi minyak at abg mi's house. on the third day, i had to make a move back to ampang because there was just too much food on the table and i couldn't resist it.

on the fourth day, i went to my sanctuary gladly, as it opened on 4th day raya. i realised that i didn't have the stamina and couldn't jog at the speed that i used to run before ramadhan. the biggest test after raya is to control the diet, which i've been doing unsuccessfully. can't help it. the 1 month dam of will power is shattered by food.

so it's not surprise that with all the exercising i gained another half a kg.

after a conversation with the only female trainer at the gym, i realised that i've to do exactly what she told me to do - increase the speed on the treadmill. use incline instead of walking on the flat belt. increase the time spent on the cross trainer. spend time on the machine. a lot of hardwork.

picky me

living at a hectic place like KL makes me treasure privacy and tranquility even more. now i understand why kak dah chose to move from this house to her new bungalow in bukit mahkota - because, frankly, ampang has become so busy you can't hear yourself think.

the traffic jam starts during rush hour behind my house, sometimes even on weekend nights. this also means i hear a lot of noises in my sleep, and last 3 weeks, i had to improvise on having an ear plug by just stuffing my earphones into my ears - i had migraines 4 days in a row before that and i theorised that it might be caused by the constant sounds.

to make it worse, a few nights ago some inconsiderate baboons decided to have fun by having a fireworks display behind my house - at the multi purpose court. what irritated me the most was that they chose to indulge in this activity at the time when working people usually retire for bed - the first night they played at 10pm and i had to actually stand outside my kitchen, with my hands on waist, and shouted "bising la orang nak tidur". feeling embarrassed, they moved. but unfortunately, a second car arrived. they had a "fun" show that lasted until 12.30 midnight.

the next night, when the "fun" began, i called the police. however, the culprits finished their show before the patrol police came. the third night was peaceful, and i was happy. but on the fourth night, they decided to have a go at it at 12 midnight!! i value my sleep very much, because the lack of it will cause me to have migraine. and so, i called the police again, and despite this policeman's lack of PR, i made a complaint and the patrol car arrived at 12.30. the misfits were dispersed, but by then the damage had been done, as i couldn't sleep until nearly 2 am.

i was so groggy the next day.

today i scolded the construction workers working on the neighbour's house - they cut a few branches of abang najib's used-to-be-carefully manicured bonsai bougainvillea. i stared at the branches and straightaway told them to throw them away. i was tired after coming back from school, and the last thing i wanted to see was some branches cut by someone, and then left them there. i think that my action was justified, as they do a lot of stuff that irritate me - like leaving dust all over my car, and on one fine day, they accidentally splashed some cement droplets on it!!!

okay so i might be paranoid. but since i don't have anyone else to do the job and i'm tired after working and the gym, i do not like the idea of having to trouble myself.

Raya!

i drove to my eldest sister's house on the eve of raya, and because i wanted to avoid the traffic, i used the Duke highway. ah! the comfort!

well anyway, it was soothing to be near your flesh and blood. since my eldest sister, kak ma, has advanced alzheimer, there's only farah my niece and her hubby yusri for me to talk to. and their baby aleesha to entertain. the last buka puasa was simple. yusri cooked nasi ayam for us, being the son of a caterer, and i must say that his culinary skills are commendable. we were joined by farah's sister, lina and her hubby romy, who derives pleasure from teasing (menyakat) me. he is forever making stupid jokes, and i always have this bored look on my face, and sometimes when i just can't stand it any longer, i'll just say "romy go away". around 20 minutes after the buka puasa, abg mi called me to confirm the raya itinerary.

early the next morning, i woke up simply because our body is used to waking up for sahur, and my tummy is rumbling. it's raya morning! so i made my way to the kitchen, and also because i had a mild migraine, i decided to partake the nasi minyak so i could swallow the pills. yusri woke up early too, to make ayam masak merah.

we made our way to the first destination - kak dah's house in bukit mahkota - the farthest house first. abg mi and family and lina and family were already there. there was a big fuss especially when i went straight to the kitchen island and started dishing out lontong for myself. i was the first one to eat you see hehehe...but i assured them that my gym opens on the 4th day of raya and i intend to go. abg mi's 3 arshads were there, all giving their attention to the little aleesha. as usual, when we gather, abg mi will start talking about food, especially the food that he managed to buy in terengganu when we went back for the hearing. after some social eating, we took some family pics but i can't post them now at the moment. have to wait till i get home. the next destination was at abg halim's house in sg buluh. by the time we arrived there, i was too bloated to eat anything so i just watched them eat nasi dagang. abg halim loves big soundspeakers so you can just imagine the noise when he put on a dvd and turning the volume on loud. i couldn't even hear myself think.

after abg halim's house, we proceeded to kak sham's house. we avoided her house till afternoon since abg jenal's extended family is much bigger than ours, and to put our side with his side in a house can be a nightmare. kak sham made mother's chicken briyani, and i was happy to eat them. her rendang is like Forrest Gump's box of chocolate "you'll never know what you're gonna get" since many parts of a cow are in there. again, abg mi talked about his much loved subject - food and also rearing fish. and also asking me pointedly how long was i at the dining table.

the raya itinerary finished here today, as i'm staying at kak sham's house. tomorrow will be abg mi's open house. there'll be some serious eating and some photo snapping as well.

selamat hari raya y'all.

Alone on the Eve of Raya

i'm alone in the house (as usual) but this is something new for me during raya. i'm supposed to be packing to spend raya with my family, but i'm too tired after baking two types of cookies Butterscotch Buttons and Biskut Arab (i'm posting the recipe in my nora's dapur blog). plus, i always hate packing. really. looking back, i can honestly say that for all my overseas travel and umrah i always packed the day before i left.

well, let's not digress here. i do feel a bit of raya cheer, but it's not like what it used to be. i miss the raya celebration at home in Kuala Terengganu, when everybody's back and the house is suddenly crowded with more than 5 cars in front, and with people everywhere from the kitchen to the porch outside. i miss the canon shots to signal the breaking of fast and imsak, and also for raya. i miss seeing mother's happy face when all her children and grandchildren come back.

of course, nostalgia won't bring my mother back. nor can i celebrate raya in terengganu anymore. so, i've to make do with what i have, because i still have my family. which is why, on thursday calls were made to my siblings to plan the raya itinerary. that was enough to lift my spirits.

i'm still sleepy. god, i hate packing.

On this Friday

i woke today with a feeling of joy. of course, who won't be, since the raya hols has officially started and despite the bundles of unmarked scripts (which i do hope i've the discipline to finish), i'm as happy as a lark. or as happy as a linnet, as Yeats would have put it.

anyway, i still have the cold so i've to pop the pills. i made a big mistake last Wednesday when i took a tiny flu pill and then fell asleep in the hooligans class. no kidding! i was already drowsy by the time i reached their class but i fought the sleepiness and wanted to finish off the literature component syllabus. the assistant monitor saw my face and asked "teacher kenapa teacher nampak mcm nak nangis?" they all saw that i was too drowsy to teach. so i apologised and said i couldn't possibly teach them in this state and just slept. i did manage to see the half hidden grins on all their faces - because i always scold students who sleep in the class.

of course, raya this year won't be the same without my mother. but then i still have my siblings. and nephews and nieces. and grandnieces and grandnephews. after all those years of social awkwardness, i finally learnt to appreciate my family and friends.

disgust at such a response

my niece forwarded me a fwded email about a snip of a blog which i totally can feel the heat rising to my face after reading it; and obviously i would have give the person who cussed a piece of my mind. please read.

Ni aku jumpa dalam blog someone yg xpuas hati utk satu interview.
Org ni bakal grad dlm AI. Aku saje letakkan kat sini utk kita
renung-renungkan bersama.....

Baik. Aku rasa seperti mau bunuh orang.

Pernah baca posting aku tentang abang panda yg drive lexus?

Alkisahnya, aku ke pejabatnya, untuk interview kerja. Bersiap sekadarnya
dengan sepasang baju kurung, memakai sedikit lipstick warna pink. Pendek
kata sesimple yang mungkin.

Yang penting adalah portfolio. Dimana portfolio inilah senarai sistem yg
pernah aku bangunkan. Tak banyak, tetapi cukup untuk meyakinkan aku punya
kemahiran php.

Sampai saja dipejabatnya, aku dapati ada 8 candidates yg tgh tunggu turn.
Dan aku punya turn. Dan aku tak nampak abang panda itu.

Sempat aku berbual dengan candidates yg lain. Semua pun apply post junior
programmer. Dan hati aku agak senang bila candidates yg lain nampaknya
sumanya fresh graduates tanpa portfolio. Bermakna aku punya sedikit
kelebihan kerana yang lain belum pernah bangunkan sebarang sistem.

Aku pun masuk untuk sesi temuduga. Dua orang interviewer adalah perempuan,
dalam awal 30-an. Dua orang lagi lelaki. Mereka membelek2 resume aku dengan
muka yg agak kurang berminat. Yang menghairankan, mereka langsung tidak
membelek portfolio aku.

Dan, inilah saat yang tiba2 membuatkan aku berang. Apabila salah seorang
interviewer berkata kepada aku..

?°Sory ye dik. Kami tau adik ni bwk portfolio sendiri. Tapi company ini
lebih prefer org yg slim, presentable. Why not u kurangkan berat badan n
try again,?± Sambil tersenyum sumbing.

Kepada Nurul Fatheha Zainal Alam, a.k.a interviewer yang tidak beradab.
Saya tahu anda baca blog saya. Jadi sila baca dengan teliti.

Sebab kenapa orang Melayu tidak maju adalah kerana wujud golongan
berfikiran jumud seperti anda. Sejak bila programmer perlu secantik miss
world? Adakah anda cuma mahu programmer yang tidak menutup kepala, dengan
rambut perang seperti bulu beruk terkena clorox, dengan berpakaian skirt
pendek menampakkan betis besar tiang letrik dan berbaju ketat menampakkan
perut boyot seperti anda? Atau programmer yang mengenakan mekap tebal
seperti mak nyah, memantis kening senipis mungkin dan cuma tahu pakai
visual basic?

Maaf, jika bahasa aku biadap.

Tetapi terima kasih kepada abang panda a.k.a Encik Fawwaz kerana
menjanjikan aku post junior programmer sebaik sahaja aku grad, keesokan
harinya setelah aku tinggalkan portfolio aku kepadanya. Tetapi Encik
Fawwaz, saya tidak mahu bekerja di syarikat anda dengan manusia yang tidak
tahu adab. Dan tolonglah update staf anda dengan current programming
language. Sesungguhnya untuk bersaing dengan company lain, simpanlah VB yg
sudah berhabuk itu.

Noktah. Itu prinsip saya. Maafkan saya. Saya tidak mahu bekerja di sebuah
software house yang stafnya berpakaian seperti pelayan kelab malam. Saya
harap Encik Fawwaz tidak tersinggung. Anggaplah ini satu teguran, untuk
memastikan kejayaan yang diraih adalah dengan keberkatanNya.


and bawah ni ialah reply drpd salah seorang interviewer yg baca blog org
ni.....


Aa'ha said,
March 11, 2009 @ 12:42 am

What the hell do you mean by your redish wording? You just so fuckin rude!
Let me say this;
U tak lulus temuduga dengan kitaorg sebab kitaorang dah buat homework pasal
you berdasarkan maklumat dlm resume yg u hantar seminggu sebelum interview
and we?¯all trackback ur blog.
we all rasa u ni islamic freak berdasarkan posting u dlm blog.
guess what? we all tak mahu org mcm u sebab u nanti bermasalah nak
accompany customer karaoke @ minum2. sebab u org kampung yg tak tau sosial
dan pakai tudung macam mak nenek!!
kalau u rasa nak keja dekat company besar u better jgn kolot sangat sebab
u?¯ll never make it dgn cara u ni.u perlu sedar u hidup tahun 2009 bukan
zaman nabi dulu!!
and thanx-a-lot sbb tak terima job ni becoz we all memang allergic dgn org
yg konon2 islamik mcm u.

apa kata u try mintak keja dengan masjid kat kampung you?? buat sistem
masjid ke?

chill?-?-?-.

okay. first, i would say the person who cussed the poor girl is a bloody idiot who blabs a lot but knows nothing. i would say this person is in his or her 20s, very ignorant, or probably just a 30-40 year old ignorant idiot.

i have met people like this before. i've even mingled with some of them socially in the past. they are caught up in their tiny world of materialism and fame. and money. and to be in the "in" crowd. to keep up with the joneses, so to speak. i know of someone who is still like that even though he's nearing 40.

of course, parroting such pursuits will only damage your soul. only stubborn mules will refuse to realise their mistakes even though the truth is in front of them. and those who are wise will change. to the person who cussed the poor girl, let me ask you this question. suppose you cuss and humiliate a lady who wears hijab, because, well, she wears hijab. and suppose you have a heart attack and only then you realise that she's a cardiologist. what would you do? of course, the lady would help you, even though you've cussed her. but if i were her (and i'm not as good as the lady), i would just leave you to die. but then again, i'd be committing a sin. hmmm *pondering*

it's a choice, but in the end, one group will be smiling, the other will rot in hell. take your pick. and to the one who cussed, may you grow boils and warts on your behind so that you will take time to ponder real hard - especially when you go to the little house.

haha just kidding. may allah enlighten your heart.

p.s. btw, i wasnt really kidding about the boils.

on med leave

this year alone i had flu 7 times. yep. 7 times. when i was in terengganu, the maximum mc i would get in a year was 2. but one can't compare KL to KL - KT is still unspoilt in many ways - my house is quite secluded from the blaring traffic. SS faces the sea, therefore i had plenty of fresh sea breeze everyday.

my house in KL is quite in the middle of the city. behind the house is a small road which was unrelatively quiet 10 years back. now, i can hear the sounds of vehicles at every imaginable hour, including at ungodly hours.

the dust is everywhere, so are the fumes. at school, with the kind of students i've to teach, i'm not surprised if it has to be disinfected - because the students throw things everywhere. it's often that i use hand sanitiser after climbing stairs and holding on to the banister.

but this time, the flu is serious. i hope to Allah that this isnt H1N1. whenever one has a flu, everyone is scared (and there was, once upon a time, when getting a flu is as common and safe as getting diarrhea)

after self-medicating with clarityne, i woke up this morning feeling like there's a tonne of bricks on my head. i reasoned that i couldn't possibly handle the hooligans in this condition. so i went to the clinic, and as soon as i entered the room, the doctor straight away put on a mask. he didn't say anything to alarm me, so i assumed that mine is just normal viral flu.

hopefully.

i miss my mother

last thursday night, i read my usual weekly yaasin, and did terawih prayers. as taught by my late father, i always pray to Allah that the pahala i get from reading quran will be given to them. since the start of Ramadhan, i had been hoping to get visits from my parents via the dream, just like i had when my father passed away in 1991 (he wore a white robe, was smiling and had a glow on his face).

i had the dream all right. i dreamed that my mother had come back to life. i remember that i hugged her and told her "nora sayang mak", something that i was too proud to tell when she was alive. my father was there too, but my mother took centre stage in my dream since i feel so guilty. i think i owe my mother a lot of apology - i always feel that i wasnt a good daughter when she was alive and wish i can redeem my wrongdoings.

Some Thoughts about the Hooligans

those who're in my fb would have read my status last night - that i dreaded going into my hooligans' class. really, today i'm supposed to have 7 periods back-to-back, and i've to start my monday by entering their class.

what a way to start the day.

since their vocabulary is near to nil (some are really that bad, they're almost illiterate), i've to resort to using short passages to teach them reading comprehension. which is a nightmare, since the 1119 paper requires them to read a one-page text. well, i guess a little something is better than a lot of things. and so, with my noble intention as my cushion against any disappointment or anger, i carried a whole set of exercise books and worksheets.

the class, was in its usual state. some refused to stand when the monitor greeted me. the real hooligans were either sleeping and refused to wake up or talking with their "gang" members. they, of course, ignored me. i was frustrated when i saw a boy, who turned over a new leaf just a few weeks ago, suddenly became a jahil again.

there were some decent students, who were trying to pay attention, but were distracted. or shall i say, they thrive on distraction and welcome it gladly?

i tried to teach them some vocabulary items, but i'm the kind of teacher who can't stand having distracted students. and so i delivered my sermon today.

it's kind of sad because i pity them. i pity their ignorance, and their bleak future. i pity their complacence, and also pity them because they're stuck in the same social class, without ever having any thoughts of trying to break away to make their lives better.

that never enters their minds. all they know is doing some part-time job somewhere and getting paid. education isn't worth anything to them. i had to tell them that yes, they might enjoy the money, but without any paper qualification, they will not be able to live a comfortable life.

at the end of the class, i scanned the class trying to see any signs of change or repentance.

none what so ever.

noisy as usual. indifference. ignorance.

i felt frustrated and walked out.

the 1 day trip back to KT

my siblings and i received letters summoning us to appear for a private hearing of our late mother's property and the inheritance last thursday.

it was good to be back, my brothers all drove down with their wives while we the sisters took the flight back. instead of staying at the house (which now looks like a jungle) we stayed at a resort, while abg mi stayed a nearby hotel. he was sweet enough to send some bubur lambuk, tauhu fa, soya bean drink and some pulut lepa (one of the best in KT, which is sold in Ladang) to me for my sahur. unfortunately though there're only coffee stirrers in the room so you can just imagine how excruciating it was to use it as a spoon. of course, the next morning when i related to abg mi what i did, he let out a loud guffaw in the car when we're on our way to fetch kak dah.

someof you know me as a foodie, but what you don't know is i come from a family of foodies. abg mi is a good example of a foodie, some of the reasons of his return to terengganu over the years was to eat! when kak dah was sitting nicely in the car, he started to babble excitedly that his friend told him there's this awesome kerutup ayam sold at pasar ramadhan at chabang tiga. he had already scoured the place, and i'm not surprised if he had bought it for his sahur back in shah alam. and that's not all. his list included the famous bukit tok beng keropok lekor, he was willing to take numbers and queue for more than 1 hour!!! yup that's my brother. he was willing to wait for the man to start selling pak man nobat's nasi minyak which is at 3.30pm before he went back to shah alam. abg mi found out that pak man nobat has a stall at the pasar ramadhan at taman syahbandar. pak man nobat's nasi minyak is my family's favourite, and is a must for everyone in the family whenever we are in KT. what makes it so delicious is that the kurma is so fragrant that it leaves the smell on your fingers after the rice has settled in your tummy. the beef is tender, and i love the urat part. and, instead of the usual chunky acar, pak man nobat's acar is a finely pureed pineapple acar cooked in chilli sauce. after getting the tip from abg mi, kak dah and i hunted for the man selling the nasi minyak at taman syahbandar at nearly 4pm. even the business of buying keropok lekor can throw us into a lengthy discussion on what makes a good keropok. everybody has his own reasons to defend their favourites. i for one prefer mak nab's keropok because it contains less preservatives, but abg zaki doesnt like it because it becomes slimy after a few days in the fridge and crumbles after sitting in the freezer (i told him that's because there's no preservatives). abg mi's favourite at bukit tok beng keeps very well in the freezer, but then again, we don't know the amount of preservatives they use.

if you notice i havent said anything about the meeting. the meeting went well, but just to show you that we are really food connoisseurs. this is the reason why we love having family gatherings because there'll be serious eating activity, and why we love buying things associated with food and feasts.

The Buka Puasa with Nephews n Nieces

(pls click on the title to view pics in facebook)
it has been a tradition for my family that the younger generation would go out during raya and bond with each other. it is a fun thing to do, since most of the cousins don't see each other that often until we congregate for raya. past gatherings were done at various places including pizza hut, starbucks, and at pantai batu buruk (at night). when attending the gathering i always get this warm fuzzy feeling of familiness and togetherness, just like in the song Family Reunion by The Ojays, from Madea's Family Reunion OST.

It's so nice to see
All the folks you love together
Sittin' and talkin' 'bout
All the things that's been goin' down

this year, we had it earlier - in the form of a buka puasa at my place. actually, i didn't really volunteer to be the host, it was "volunteered" by a niece on my behalf who said that it'd be a good idea to buka puasa at my place. *sigh* actually they wanted to have OM burger at ampang jaya after the buka puasa...

Lina requested that i made tiramisu, and i really reduced the amount of sugar so that it tasted just nice. i even scraped the sugar topping off from the spongefingers. the cleaning lady came as usual, but the cleanliness of the newly mopped floor was marred when i was carrying the mix fruit cordial and the handle came off, splashing the orange liquid content everywhere *sigh* thank god lina was there. we then went to find ayam pusing, but didn't find any at ampang jaya so at last we bought 2 roasted chickens at maxvalu. it was nice to have people in the house, i didn't mind one bit when my nephew in law romy slept on the carpet (his favourite pastime is to sakat me, because we're of the same age. he can be annoying at times). then i made padprik, and later Abg Aziz's children came (inas, nana, atie and hudai), then farah & yusri and abang & dian. not many attended, granted, but we had fun and there was a lot of laughter the whole night. abang's guffaws were very much distinct. the main topic was facebooking, and from a comment about how abang posted the trailer to old tv shows like the fantasy island, little house on the prairie, set us all in a long discussion, while some proclaimed to be younger because they couldn't remember all these, while those who could were older.

then it was buka puasa time. even then they still had time to sakat me, as i bought paper plates and they complained how the fragile plates could collapse under the weight of the food. i was even sent to maxvalu to buy more drinks as the drinks in the tong finished. after praying, we still talked and talked, with frequent trips to the buffet table.

in the end we're all stuffed. really. i archly asked abang if he still wanted the OM burger. the answer was no. and so at 11 pm last night, after a night of food orgy, the buka puasa ended.

it's tiring, but a nice one. we came up with a conclusion that we've become more "matured" over the years as now the gatherings are done at our houses instead of eating out.

Reminiscing

today i woke up with a lot of stuff in my head - to settle all my savings, to go to school to fill up my CRK form, to go to Tabung Haji yadda yadda yadda...then suddenly i remembered that today's 26th august. 18 years ago to this day, my father passed away. at 6pm to be exact.

my father was a good muslim. he taught me quran till i khatamed...and he made sure all his children have good education to become successful in life. in a way, he's a man with a vision long before Tun Dr Mahathir concoted Vision 2020.

i don't wish to talk about sad things here, i'm done with all the tears.

and so today, i made my way to Tabung Haji, fully aware that 26th august was my father's death anniversary. however, this time i went there to celebrate this day with something that would really make both my late parents happy - i finally registered to go for hajj, in 2027 although i plan to go much much much earlier via hajj packages instead of muasasah.

so alhamdulillah. i can imagine my late father smiling at me, just like he smiled at me in his white robe when he visited me in my dream 18 years ago.

The First Day

well... i survived the first day of fasting without the usual bout of migraine - yay! i stayed at home today, enjoying the holidays, and i didn't even move the car out. the main reason being i didnt want to spend money buying unnecessary food.

i'm not going to list what i did for ibadah today, because i think that that will create takbur, don't you think? you don't shout out to all the people when you do something right, then it won't be sincere.

anyway, the next door neighbour is having his house renovated, so i can hear the sound of people hammering during daytime - which is irritating, because when you're trying to relax and take a nap all you hear is the plonk plonk sound on the wall. but today i slept through the noise. probably because i'm so used to sleeping with the sound of traffic at wee hours. the work being done also means that dust flies around, and unfortunately it chooses to settle on the floor and on my car!!! arrghh!! i actually gritted my teeth and kept quiet. no point scolding the workers.

anyway, today i wanted to eat something light and not greasy so i made tosai (with alagappa's instant tosai mix) to be eaten with my chicken curry. i don't like to eat dry desserts during Ramadhan so today i made bubur jagung, which is my perennial favourite. it's a good thing too that i didn't go to the bazaar.
1. i would have been disappointed with the taste and would think that it's better that i made on my own rather than wasting my money on something that is cheap and tasteless.
2. i hate to jostle with the crowd
3. i hate finding parking spaces, which unfortunately are not that many near the bazaar.

my late mother would have been proud of me because she couldn't understand why people like to eat out.

so there.

Ramadhan this year

i've been shying away from the blog for so long, not because of anything, but because of the tiredness i feel after coming back from the gym. trust me, when you've been on the treadmill and the cross trainer for more than 1 hour, you don't think of anything else after that (except for food and water, that is). and then you only think of your bed...

so back to my entry today.

my Ramadhan this year is different than the rest, simply because this is the first Ramadhan without my mother. i don't want to sound tragic or dramatic, but i miss all those days when she prepared the meals for iftar, and i miss the day when i would plop myself onto my parents bed and wait for her to unwrap our jewelleries for Hari Raya.

but life must go on.

now that all the little devils (i mean that literally) have been chained, it's a joy to be able to perform ibadah, and i hope that i'm a better muslimah than i was last year - and despite the fact that my parents have passed on, i still feel the need to make them feel proud of me, because i know that they are watching me, somewhere.

i've written this last year, especially after my return from umrah. that the journey of the soul is a self-discovery towards being pure. i can tell you that it is not easy. and i'm sure that all of you will agree. it's so easy to bitch about people, it's so easy not to care. it's so easy to feel that you're invincible, and that judgement will stall - at least for you, anyway.

Ask anyone and one will instantly associate Ramadhan with food bazaars, buffets priced at exorbitant prices and other Raya Sales. excess only distracts one from the true meaning of Ramadhan. it is not about the worldly materials, instead, it's about our faith.

Ramadhan is a chance for one to become better. to really change. and to understand that Islam is not tedious and demanding. it requires submission and understanding that we are not absolute creatures, and that we are here for a purpose - to submit. with only purity in one's heart, one will experience sakinah.

have an enlightening Ramadhan this year, everybody.

my pilates class

every week, i will attend BodyVive workout at my gym, led by Zul, a friendly and accomodating instructor (though i think that he needs to cut down on his workout because his legs are so skinny, they are as big as my arms!). i enjoy the class very much, because it involves music, and despite the sedate appearance my students know me to have (or not, i don't know), i was once a girl who loves music (still do) and sang in class. and so, when Zul plays The Kool & the Gang's Celebration or some other great songs, i just cant resist and my body starts to sway. if anyone should come to the gym to visit me at that time, they will see this stupid grin on my face, because i'm enjoying myself.

enough said.

a few of those in the group mentioned that they have tried the pilates class before. intrigued, i made a poin to join one later. however, i was in a dilemma, because on that same day, and before the pilates session, there is abs blitz, which i really really need. in the end, i decided to join the pilates class.

let me start by saying that i've been forewarned by my fellow bodyvive member who said the instructor likes to scold people.

but i didnt let that comment deter me.

while waiting for tha absblitz group to finish, i chatted with a petronas staff who joined the pilates for a few months. she called it "tough" especially for a beginner. i was alarmed.

again, i didnt let that alarm deter me.

we went inside the private studio, and i saw the instructor. not bubbly like zul. and not accomodating either. he has a serious, monotonous voice, which can definitely lull my hooligans to sleep in 1 minute. worse, he started talking in gibberish language. i call it gibberish because even though it's english (and i'm an english teacher!), i didnt understand what was required of us - he used a lot of pilates jargons like so-and-so positions. can you imagine lifting your head and both legs almost all the time in that 1 hour frame? i can tell you, i had leg cramps after a few minutes. but i was determined, and thought how hard could this be? and so i held on, and then i felt nauseous. seriously. i wondered then how they would react if i vommitted on the carpeted floor? but i held on, more of stubborness of not giving up. you had no idea how many times i kept looking at my pink watch.

at the end of the hour, i vowed that i would never again go back to pilates class.

at the changing room, i went straight to the washroom. no, i didnt throw up. but i nearly. after that i rewarded myself with kari hantu set at Little Penang Cafe.

The Beauty of Friendship

i had the most fantastic weekend.

simply because i met my old friends, and we had fun catching up.

to my ex students who think that a reunion after a year or 5 is superb, well wait until you hit 19 years. but by then you'll be slightly (it's all in the state of mind) older and matured, and the topics are wide-ranging.

that happens every time i meet up with my 5 ilmu seri puteri classmates and we just go crazy (not wackos, just girls who laugh out loud). the gatherings are done several times a year, but now it's more of a regular meeting as our friend Ina is back from Sudan.

so there we were - me, june, shidah, anne and ina - sitting and munching at our favourite spot Chilis, talking and all the while laughing so loudly that some people from the other tables looked. i'm not kidding. seriously. we just forgot where we were and we were again those giggly teenaged girls studying in girls boarding school, reminiscing the days when Miss Hamid punished the Set B girls for not completing their summaries (they had to run around the entire netball court for how many times) or when our favourite Cikgu Poyah shushed us up when we were in Form 2 until her saliva went flying everywhere or those Friday nights when we ran up to the field to book places for "wayang".

on Saturday night, i went to my friend As' house and met up with another classmate, Zana. although this was more a sedate and quiet meeting as compared to the boisterous one on the previous night, i enjoyed seeing my friends - seeing Zana as a mother catering to her "askar" and also As - our all-rounder, intelligent, opinionated classmate - a hepatologist who has reached another level that i don't know if i can reach.

on Sunday, i met up with my M.A. Literature classmates Elison and Iris. Elison is an outgoing lawyer with the gift of the gab (of course, or else she wouldn't be a lawyer, would she?) and i remember those classes when she would cheer up the otherwise serious class with cheeky comments. and then there's Iris, who's motherly and speaks and writes beautifully, who gave me a pep-talk on the morning of our final paper presentation because i hadn't done anything as i just broke up with a boyfriend. she saved me, actually and i did well in the Stylistics class presentation.

and you know you're having fun, because when someone had to make a move, you felt sorry that the meeting had to end, and you just wish that you could just sit there and talk and talk.

that's the beauty of friendship.

Hopes Dashed and A Quiet Birthday

let me start by saying that just a week ago, i experienced euphoria. i got to know a man, who is a year older than me and single! *bell ringing*

so you can just imagine my euphoria. he would sms me in the morning, so i assumed that he keeps his daily prayers well. a very important criteria in a muslim man. he's also affectionate, and stretches my euphoria by smsing me the whole day and night.

well, the euphoria didn't last long. i guess i had it coming when he had the nerve to ask me to top his credit up - only after 2 days of knowing him! i was angry (or to borrow salman rushdie's term, angrified) and told him it's a matter of principles. 1 down.

we had our first date on the eve of my birthday. imagine my horror when he told me to drive my car instead of me hopping into his borrowed car. not gentleman at all. 2 down. over dinner, and after dinner, we told each other stories of our lives, and then he told me he used to drink. 3 down. at least he paid for dinner.

then on the way back he told me that he initially wanted to bring me to his favourite place, but he thought that i wouldnt like it. his place? a nightclub. 4 down.

i went back, feeling disappointed. at least i know the truth now, instead of being misled by just mere voice and smses.

my birthday was a quiet one. i didnt mind at all, because what is most important thing is i have my health, and i'm grateful for what i have even though everything isnt that rosy and peachy. that night my friend Dr As cooked pasta for me at her house. a quiet celebration, but hey, it's okay.

Gonna Make You Sweat

a recent spiteful remark by someone and the fact that i looked more like a panda myself in the pics created an impetus in me to actually change.

i had been at the bottom of the pit, feeling so low what with my mother's demise and the depression due to teaching at my current school, but a conversation with my niece Inas led me to the decision.

that i'm not going to just whine and do nothing about it.

that i'm going to change my life and the rest can just go and tut! themselves.

and so, i decided to go on a diet for the umpteenth time to lose the belly fat that is visible in the pics.

the first week was okay, but then i decided to make another major decision. inspired by The Biggest Loser tv programme, i decided to join a gym (which i avoided like plague in the past). i hated the gym because it looked so... masculiny and complicated. besides it's costly to become a member. 6 years back, i could lose 17kgs just on sheer discipline and determination. and back then i was on study leave. now, i'm a working woman in KL and sheer complacency in red with two horns can just create all sorts of excuses and play the devil with my will. But The Biggest Loser made the gym so attractive, as attractive as Chilli's or Secret Recipe.

which was why, on one of my excursions to KLCC, i decided to stop by at a fitness centre and check it out. the staff is friendly enough, calling me "kak" ("kak" is better than "makcik" or "nenek"). as the staff brought me to the gym, i couldn't believe it because i got excited when i saw rows of treadmills, cross trainers and other equipment; and the studio with the mirrors. i instantly signed up for 6 months.

on the first day, i was intimidated by the others who looked so poised and knew what they were doing. i couldn't even operate the treadmill on my own. one lady looked as if she came out from the Nike ad- with all the sweat, she still looked fabulous on the treadmill in that small t shirt which i know i couldnt fit. at least not in the near future. i joined the step aerobics - an exercise which i'm familiar with. but after 15 minutes i pancited and decided to do something else. it turned out that the class was an advanced class, and there were a lot of jumping with no intervals and also pirouetting. the next morning i had a major migraine plus photo phobia.

that did not deter me from going to the gym in the evening.

now, a week later, i must say that exercising has helped to improve my moods tremendously. my steps are lighter, and other than just fatigue, i'm okay.

hope to look fab during raya!

(updated with pics) Discovering the Roots: Travels to Shanghai and Beijing

the trip to Shanghai and Beijing is an enlightening one for me. not only because it connects me to my roots, but also i get to see one of the seven wonders of the world - the Great Wall of China.

the journey began in Shanghai. we arrived at Pu Dong Airport but we were held up for an hour because a fellow passenger had a high fever. 10 passengers around the affected passenger were quarantined. luckily for us, we were free to go. we then went to Cheng kuang miao, Shanghai Old Town. that's where arts and crafts are sold, and mozie and i bought some Chinese paintings from some friendly Chinese art dealers.
we found that in Shanghai, mopeds rule supreme, so it's a norm to see them honking at pedestrians. after lunch, we checked into our hotel - Holiday Inn, a nice 4 star hotel.

on the second day, we went to the Freshwater Pearl Centre. the staff opening a 4 year old oyster and scooping the last of the pearls.
it's normal to see white, pink, peach, black and grey pearls, but it's not normal to see purple and brown pearls. so i bought a purple pearl ring and brown pearl brooch. i asked to see the golden pearl, which is revered by the chinese, and that's when i learnt something abt the China chinese - ask to see something, and they will make sure you pay for it. these pearls were lovely because they're not cultured ones, they're natural pearls! 1 pearl costs RNB1280. one caught my eye - they're chocolate pearls, they look so much like chocolates that you want to eat them but hey, who wants to buy a RM600 pearl? we then went to Nanjing Road, a stretch of road full of shops selling expensive items. how expensive, you might ask - well let's just say my RM200+ Clarks costs RM300+ over there. in the afternoon, we left for Suzhou. we stayed at a cekai hotel but never mind, it's only for a night.

the next day, our guide Andy, took us to the Government owned silk factory. the silk cocoons

making silk quilt
the silks are nice, but they're very expensive. i didnt buy any silk here. we were then taken to the Gate of the City where they still have a very ancient bridge which stood for 1700 years. i love the park, the lake looks so serene. if i had to move to China, i would want to live in Suzhou. in the afternoon, we went to see a World Cultural Heritage site - Master-of-Nets Garden - the house of a government officer of a few hundred years ago. at Master-Nets Garden
after the visit, we went to shop at Suzhou Old Town, where we discovered a street market and bought Crocs for RNB15. we even saw a man pulling a monkey with an amputated leg, begging for money. i felt sorry for the monkey, because it was obvious that it lost its leg for the greed of a man. how cruel man can be! after shopping, we boarded the train to go to Beijing.

we arrived in Beijing to a rainy morning and it was 15 Celcius. we breakfasted at a muslim restaurant and received a very bad service from a sullen waitress. amidst the rain, we made our way to Tianamen square and took pics under our disposable umbrellas and rain jackets. we then proceeded to the Forbidden City. i marvelled at all the work and detail that went into making this magnificent palace - nothing was left to chance. we were told that no man could enter this palace except for the Emperor, the rest were his eunuchs, his empress and the 3000 concubines.
in the evening we went to watch an acrobatic show.

the next day, we went to the jade centre. after a briefing, we were taken to the display room where all grades of jades were sold. i bought a jade pendant and a small jade to be set on a ring.there were also bolts and bolts of silks and i bought a very pretty white silk. after that we were taken to a crystal centre. i wasnt impressed with the coloured ones because they can be found in malaysia, but i bought a very elegant and exclusive looking brooch with clear crystal stones. in the afternoon we had lunch at Cloisonne Enamelware Centre - where they sell enamelware but since they're all expensive, i bought a small enamel egg. in the afternoon, we climbed the Great Wall. it was magnificent! i marvelled at the architecture and at its sheer length and size. that's the feeling you get when you have to pant while climbing the steep stairs. you feel respect for the builders. of course, the first thought that came to my mind - how did they feed all the guards at all the towers?

the next day i could feel pain everywhere at my thighs and legs. even the bus driver laughed when i was ouching while boarding the bus. we visited the Summer Palace and the manmade lake. after the visit, we visited the panda zoo. then we went to the Russian market to shop for tablecloths and tablerunners. then we went to Ya Shao market where 2 hours is just not enough for us to shop. that night we had a dinner of Peking duck. seriously, i didnt see anything to rave about.

the next day was our last day. we took pics of the birds nest olympic stadium and went to the jewellery centre which was one of the sponsors for the games. the manager is a malaysian chinese who's very realistic and blunt about malaysians and beijing people. our last stop was at a mosque where the people there talked to me in mandarin.

at 4.45 we took off to go back home.

so what do i feel?

i just went to know how my ancestors lived in China. but as in all my travels, i'm glad i'm a malaysian.

how i miss malaysian food.

The Trip Back Home

my friend Jeet got married on the 1st so i went home to KT with mozie. the ride home was quite tiring, but we arrived safely in the afternoon. the house was sadly, in disarray. the garden resembled a jungle in dry season. i miss my house, it's a charming single storey bungalow and meant to be lived in, not to be abandoned.

anyway, i became a guide and showed mozie around. took her to the crystal mosque and then to pasar kedai payang to shop. i had this urge to buy all the colourful silks. thankfully i didnt - after paying my tailor RM350 for my 3 baju kurungs *sigh*. the only thing i regret is that i wasnt able to take her to teluk ketapang for the ikan celup tepung.

i stopped at SS on monday and tuesday, and met old friends there. some of the students were there as well for their holiday extra classes. the teachers commented that i look rounder than ever *sigh*. i've to do something about this.

we came back to KL on the 3rd, stopping here and there. we even had a picnic at a beach in Dungun, an idyllic spot for picnicking or finding inspiration.

everything went well until we had our last stop at an RnR when i noticed that the needle at the petrol gauge fell sharply. i thought that i could make it, but i was wrong. once we were in Karak Highway, the needle pointed just above E and after a few kms the petrol icon turned a bright yellow - i panicked, and i know mozie also panicked. genting sempah was another 15km or so. we were quiet for awhile. finally, after spotting an emergency number on a big signboard (thanx to MTD), we called for the highway patrol to come and fill the car with petrol. i was cautious afterwards and filled another rm30 worth of petrol at genting sempah.

moral of the story? fill the tank up to the brim when you're going for a long distance journey.

Judging People Judging You

although i don't talk about it nowadays does not mean that i'm having a whale of time at my new place. i'm surviving here, but i begin to wonder whether Allah wants me to ponder (and really ponder) about where i'm heading in life.

i know that my psyche is undergoing that transitionary shifting, open to reinterpretation stage of hybridity (according to Bhabha's theory of hybridity) - i'm still in denial and rejecting and also accepting new stuff.

but i'm not really happy.

i know that at about 5 months into working at my old place, i already felt that i belonged to the school. but until now, i still feel like a marginalised outsider at my new place. i hate being judged. but that's what people do at my place. i hate having to have my guard up, but that's what i have to do at my current workplace.

my brother was not amused when i told the family some of my wishes. he kept accusing me for not being thankful, and threateningly asked if i wanted to return to my hometown. amidst the others' voices, he couldn't hear my answer, but i told him that if i wanted to, the principal of my former school had the power to get me back. okay i admit i sounded cocky. but it's true.

what's worse, i was judged as unworthy by certain people in my elite group - people who judge me by my race instead of my professional qualification. i guess even if i have a PhD they will still look down on me. yes, when you read this you'll give this comment "ala biasa la tu". no, it's not supposed to be that way.

i had a chat with my former lecturer mr hazidi a few nights ago. he asked me why is that i want to be accepted or appreciated.

in a way, he's right. but then i'm not like mr hazidi who has no qualms in speaking his mind.

i know i'm rebellious. it's just that i'm too nice. so i let this one particular person in the elite group to steamroll and verbally insult me (who thinks that he's mr know it all, but sadly he's not). i graciously let him have his day, because it's numbered. and part of it is, like anybody else, is this need to be accepted, appreciated because we want to belong.

so i guess i just have to read a lot of shakespeare and amaze everyone. though i don't know whether they can understand Fanon or Bhabha, should i start talking about their theories.