Saturday, June 24, 2006

Happily Ever After- A Contemplation... A Myth?

some people are born lucky - loving family, good schools, good friends, pierced by Cupid's bow, got hitched and start a family. they dont know how lucky they are.

we, the lesser mortals, the singles in the 30s, have a different story. sure, i'm from a good family full of high achievers, went to one of the best schools in malaysia, did my 1st and masters degrees, have a wide circle of frens and have a stable job. but it stops there. i'm not so lucky in love.

i was talking to my fren nina just now, and asked her how is it that a cad like shahul can be a nice cad? she said candidly, "because he's a bastard. he's just pretending to be nice". hmmm.... if cads and cons are nice, how do we tell the difference between the fakes and the real mccoy? it makes the search more elusive and nearly hopeless. is it?

both nina and i are undergoing tough phases in life. i am reminded of sex and the city, in one of the episodes, the 4 ladies have a discussion about the knight in shining armour. charlotte is frustrated "i've looked for him all my life. where is he?". and miranda, samantha and carrie look at her with pity and as good girlfriends, tell her what i'm going to say next. that in real life, though we are the real damsels in distress, there's no such thing as a knight who will sweep off our feet and rescue us from whatever is distressing us. WE have to be our own knights because this is our life. our own happiness is not dictated by men. we are the ones responsible for our own happiness. so girls, seize the day... carpe diem! go and get that masters degree...go and join that kickboxing has much to offer.

i also remember a scene when the 4 ladies' fren is married and throws the bouquet. it lands at the 4 ladies' feet. none of them pick it up. moral of the story? girly wishes dont often come true. to live happily ever after with a man? - is highly overrated.

and that concludes Nora's philosophical ramblings for today.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


they say every cloud has its silver lining. and i believe it. now, am back to being single. things arent so bad now (except at school, and i'm trying to get out now to fly to some ivory tower if there's rezeki). no tears drop, no ache in the heart. it's useless anyway. i'm trying to find myself again, and to pick up the pieces. at this time i'll start philosophising, (as most people who become single again tend to do) and probably take up some new hobbies.

yes, the future isnt bleak. i'm preparing for it. right now i'm surviving, and giving myself a chance to heal and to get the respect that i deserve

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My Forbidden Fruit

There lies in the Garden on this Earth,
A fruit that you can smell its sweetness,
Tempting you to draw nearer and nearer.
To possess such loveliness.
But thorns fiercely guard the desired orb,
To reach is to be bled.
There it lies, my forbidden fruit...
My heart aching to possess it.
it sings to me, beckoning me.
But to possess it means my downfall.
Heavy as a lead i turn my back on the lovely orb.
My forbidden fruit.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

memoirs of a geisha: a review

the movie came out earlier this year. i've yet to watch the movie, but according to gina, it's slooowww. well, i can just imagine that it's as slow as the da vinci code. i read memoirs of a geisha to gauge how good the book is. my honest opinion? it's too slow for me.

yes, the story opens a new world to us - the world of the geishas and their lives as entertainers (and as dignified upperclass gros). when i read the book, i wasnt too excited to know wat's going to happen next. i had to force myself to read more than 10 pages a day...and that says a lot, since i had to read a lot of difficult literary texts when i was doing my masters.

just like the da vinci code which received a lot of hoo haas from worldwide readers, this book didnt leave me a lasting impression. in fact, there's no impression at all, except that it's the type of light reading you can take up when you're at the beach or when there's a flight delay.

i remember reading kazuo ishiguro's the remains of the day which won him the booker prize in the 90s. sure, it's not as exciting, but the difference between a good read (usually that means literary text) and just plain pulp fiction is that a good read will lead you to ponder about life - truly ponder about life. the remains of the day is a story about an english butler, so dedicated to his work that he never realises the love the housekeeper has for him...later in his life when he's growing old does he realise his feelings for her. and then it's too late.

another tip: good writers dont present us the story, they want us to interact with it, so they dont reveal everything and let us wonder.

Redang Trip: A Breakaway

i dreaded going to Redang when they told me i've to sleep in a tent. this is, after all, a survival camp for the LCDS members, and unfortunately, as its teacher, i had to go.

The students were already grinning when they saw me at the jetty "can you survive, teacher?". they know how i'm like. frankly, i didnt know myself whether i could survive or not.
we didnt stay at redang. we stayed at the marine park at the smaller island called pulau pinang. i know this sounds like a cliche, but the water is really crystal clear aquamarine, and we could see corals n colourful fishes swimming and being fed by snorkellers.

as this was a survival camp, the students had to set up tents. the camp commandant was another teacher frm another school, and he instructed the students how to set up tents (while we the teachers stood by hehehe). we didnt do much on the first day, but that night, it rained cats and dogs. some tents were leaking so the poor students couldnt sleep. and because they're deprived of their beds, they were forced to become nocturnals and were singing the whole night. i didnt have much sleep either, listening to them.

the next day, we had snorkelling. i have phobia of drowning so after a few mins of trying and nearly drowning, splurting and swallowing the salty water, i gave up. my enthusiastic students were having a fun time and swam all the way to the marine park. they spent more than an hour there. after lunch we had a boat ride, going to the other islands. the commandant already told them they could snorkel at one of the islands. so they did.... twice at different islands. and then we stopped at pasir panjang...they still went snorkelling and i went to shop...after a day of not spending money. we returned to the marine park at nearly 7...n still, after 3 times of snorkelling, some of them asked if they could snorkel... we saw some baby sharks swimming some 2-3 metres away fr the shore... i remember the perikanan person telling us that the sharks will come down in the evening. we had bbq that night, the students had to grill the chicken themselves. then they performed some sketches, some were really didnt rain that night, and because everyone was so exhausted, it was a peaceful night.

the next day they had jungle trekking but i didnt go (remembering the gunung lambak expedition). after dismantling the tents and lunch, we cleared the campsite and had a prize giving ceremony. the students presented me with pink towels, calling me their "beloved cute miss nora who survived this survival camp". ah well... then we boarded the ferry. some didnt want to leave. i felt the same way too. but i miss my home.

all in all, it was a good trip. it's nice change, especially for me. spending time with the motley bunch of students is great.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

the breakup

shahul finally called me yesterday afternoon. i asked him why, when i broke up with him last week, he came back and kept telling me he's not married. he said "because i didnt want you to do stupid things". yeah rite. it was a disappointing and heartbreaking talk - esp. when i found out that at the same time i was chatting with him on msn, he was also chatting with other girls. and he led me to believe he's single for more than a year. his excuse was that he didnt want to jeorpadise my MA thesis. again, yeah rite... more heartbreaking was when he told me he wasnt serious abt getting married to me (a lot of frens swore n cursed at this point) and that he felt guilty everytime we talked.

his wife is of the same age as me, a housewife. i pity her, because she doesnt know what a jerk and an s.o.b he is. and he loves her. it hurts me the most. and he still had the nerve to ask me to be his fren. only his fren.

i couldnt settle being his fren. i couldnt be his fren and suffer the thought that he has a happy life with his wife and children. it hurts too much, after all the betrayal, the lies....especially the lie that he loved me.

so last night i told him i'm going to block him. he panicked. i said it was best for everybody.
doing the right thing hurts. and love is so strong. eventhough he wronged me. but for the sake of my sanity i had to let him go. it's the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life.

Friday, June 09, 2006


it's amazing how in just a matter 2 weeks my life has changed.after what i've been through, it feels more like a year. it makes me feel one moment we can be happy, and then the next our life and hopes are destroyed by just one single information.

i found out that shahul is married with 2 kids.that hurts a lot, considering that he's living a lie for a year. considering i've invested a lot in this relationship. i still dont know why he does it. when my frens say "alaa men are like that". i dont accept that answer. there has to be a reason. but he has the nerve to deny it.dont know why he's so damn stubborn. he's a jerk i s.o.b. bcoz of him, i had a fight with a fren.i realise now that no man is worth arguing about.
i've been thinking about life a lot after that. i'm thankful that i have an understanding family (siblings who dont ask questions or offer unsolicited advice) when i dont feel like discussing.i'm thankful that i've a powerful brother which really makes me think of Foucault's theory of knowledge being a power. i'm also thankful that i have frens who really care. in times of adversity, these are the people who really give their shoulders for me to cry on. mozie was there when i received the confirmation. linda cried when she heard the story from mozie. nina who has been my good fren and advisor from the start. adi azhar cheered me up with his witty remarks.farah, who didnt tell me her plans to marry when she found out that my plan for a wedding was never going to be a reality. wan was there too, and we had a fun time in male bashing. abg lie is great as my sort of a brother (i guess) after what we've been through years ago.

i was in KL to escape and nurse my wound. so i went shopping with Gina (who again, as my closest niece, didnt ask or talk abt this until i mentioned it) and got myself hennaed on my hand...and then i bought 2 pcs of sarees (a reminiscent of a fictitious life that i thought i'd be living). i went to MPO chamber concert with fai, and had fun discussing the contemporary music pieces that we heard (such as, which piece made us sleep...or which piece was pleasant enough for our ears). i met wan who's matured for her age and reminds me a lot of nana. i met khairul, who is an idealist. i told him that ppl at his age tend to think that they can accomplish anything, including to conquer the everest. khairul is interesting though, not many young malay men are interested in philosophy and classical music. but he does, and i had an enjoyable time talking to him. yes, it s sweet when you think that at 24 you're full of energy and vibrance. like a rose in all it's glory. but then you will learn that despite your optimism, they will press you down, until you're beaten...

memories of him smiling at me are still in my mind, although this time i remember them as a complete sham.

yes, i've been pushed and beaten. i've loved, and been broken hearted by heartless creatures who call themselves men. mais c'est la vie....and life has to move on. i've to pick the pieces and rebuild myself and i'll emerge stronger.