Poems

i used to write poems. but eversince i started on my dissertation i stopped. to be able to write good poems, you do not only have to have the flair, but also a good knowledge of a wide range of poetry. that was what my undergrad academic exercise supervisor, mr hazidi, told me when he assessed my too-idealistic poems "you have to read MORE poems" and added "write when you're angry or sad or happy". well.... i took his advice. when i was in the final sem of doing my MA coursework, i took Stylistics (in other words, linguistics application in literature). much as i abhor the dryness of linguistics, i must admit that with the linguistics background i was able to criticise and analyse the poems better - that also means i know essentially what makes a good poem.

this morning, as i was about to write down the menu for the small tea party i'll be holding for my students tomorrow, i came across my book of poetry - written when i was experimenting with skills that i learnt in my classes. here i present to you the poems, but please do not plagiarise the works.

Ode to Batu Buruk Beach
At the sandy beach I stand,
Paying homage to an old friend,
Homeground.
My turf.
Palm leaves swaying to the roaring ocean,
Children playing colourful kites,
Murky waves unleash their fury,
They have seen much.
They know much.
The taste of nostalgia is deafening.
In my mother’s childhood days,
The puja pantai was celebrated.
Offerings made to the spirits of the sea,
Pagan dances under the moonlight.
The winds of the South China Sea greet me,
Two old friends are we.
In such powerful embrace,
I bask in the land’s love.
I’m a girl once more, of years ago.
I had abandoned you, I know.
But I’m here now, my friend.
The salty air is in my blood,
the sand, the sea, the palm trees…
The Land of the Seven Princesses is part of me.
Arms wide open I surrender.
I’m free! I’m free!
I’m the kite that soars high
I never lose ground
For you hold me firm and never let me stray.
Sounds of azan come with dusk.
I walk away with lighter steps.
I may fly again,
But I will always return.
Homeground.
My turf.

Music Box
While spring cleaning
I come across a memory.
The music box lies on the table
Dusty, forgotten.
I blow away the thin mist
and open the teak box.
Inside a lady and a man dance,
And soft melody plays;
Evoking memories of yesteryears
Of that particular time
Of that particular moment.
A time of happiness and hopes
To be dashed so soon.
It was just a fantasy.
It was a mistake.
The sweet serenade finally slows to a halt.
A salty saline drops on the two figurines.
I take a deep breath,
Slowly exhaling the old bittersweet story.
“Life must go on”
So I put back our love in the music box,
And let it dust away.

Faith

in life, we have to gamble and take risks in order to advance to the next level in our life. be it education, friendship, relationship, business deals, career wise, we sometimes cannot play it safe. why? because nothing is permanent (except for God). no house is big enough, no marriage is happy enough, no love is strong enough.

when i did my MA, some people thought that i was crazy - since in the 1st semester i had to travel to KL every single weekend to attend classes. teaching was one thing, then i had to write assignments and long essays! i didnt know how much i could endure, but alhamdulillah, despite the fatigue, my goal was clear and i was determined. then my sabbatical leave was approved, and everything was ok. the 2nd hurdle occured when i had to write my dissertation, which i think was the most difficult and challenging phase of all. i remember the time when i broke down after wiping out my 28 pages of a working chapter, the pressure was just too much. but i realised that i wasnt alone i received moral support from my coursemates. i learnt about myself, about how different people are. in the end, it all comes down to faith.

those who were, and are in relationships will agree that to be in one takes a lot of courage, and the longer you are in it, the greater your understanding of a person is, the more tolerant you are.
falling in love is the most exciting phase, the world seems to be smiling to you, and nothing can go wrong.
to love, however, is different. to love is to accept the other person's flaws, and to embrace his/her positive traits - and above all, despite all the ups and downs, to have faith in the relationship, and also to enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

"Stickwitu"
I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)
Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higherI must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.
I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me (one for me)
And I say
And now
Ain't nothing else I can need (nothing else I can need)
And nowI'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you (baby, I'm with you)
Baby, you're with me (Baby, you're with me)
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know meAnd that's all that counts.
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

Contemplation

Islam encourages us to work hard as if there's no tomorrow, and to do deeds as if the end is near. islam also teaches us to be moderate, and to be humble.

it's easier said than done, but however hard it may seem, if we truly believe in the teaching, we will strive to do better.

sometimes success makes one forgets of one's humble beginning. some people just want to wipe out their early chapters of life, and choose to bask in the glory of their greatness.
someone i'm working with seems to have lost touch with his early chapters of life. his arrogance and words hurt a lot of people's feelings. which makes his subordinates feel dissatisfied with his decisions (voiced in arrogant manner). may be he forgot that he's just a human being and not an immortal.

i remember the VC of UKM when i was a student then. he's the most humble person i know - personally checking whether the light bulbs were working or not during Pesta Konvo, parking his car at the big parking lot instead of having a driver driving up his car to the big porch of DECTAR after the convocation ceremony (his subordinates all had their drivers drove up to the porch). i once went to the chancellory...and saw him walking up to his PROs and said "boleh mintak tolong tak?" in the friendliest tone. this is the kind of a boss everyone wants.

yes, it's easy to become too pleased with one's achievements no matter how small or insignifcant they are. but remember that by being arrogant, you're just pushing people away from you, and in the end you will not have a person who genuinely likes and respects you. it is by being humble that one gains friends, respect and admiration.

Post-Bekwah

well i'm back in kt, back to the daily routines.

the reception was a success. as i had said b4 in the previous entry, i was the bunga telur lady. and there i was, sweating profusely under the canopies, carrying a basket full of lilac bunga telurs. even the presence of ceiling fans didnt help. and i had another problem as well. my tailor already warned me that bcoz of the delicate lace on my kebaya, i had to be careful. the rattan basket i was holding already wreaked havoc with my delicate lace, so there were tiny wisps of threads everywhere.

i met my old seri puteri hm (whose hubby worked in the same ministry as kak sham), and being a good seri puterian (hehehe) i went up to her and salamed her. she inquired where i m teaching...yadda yadda...and told me to better myself yadda yadda...

the highlight of the day - when apit called ayi to sing. my god...that was an experience. hehehe i'll say no more. and then my brothers in law abg najib and abg zainal started singing as well!!

then the guests went home, and we watched ayi and rafi open their wedding gifts. abg mi was teasing asha (thank god he didnt tease me anymore. it's a horrifying experience), and suddenly kak sham gave a very shocking statement...which made me squirm in my seat (and wished that there was a hole in which i could sink into). and suddenly i was in hot seat, as all eyes were on me, and abg mi started asking me questions. which i couldnt answer to. 7 years ago i would have loved to be in this situation, would have loved for abg mi to ask me that direct question. but things changed. i've matured.

ayi asked "how come i didnt know anything?". i told him "you were oblivious to everything".

Bekwah

for those who dont have the slightest inkling of what bekwah is, it's the terengganu dialect for having a feast, or in today's world, it'll be known as holding a reception. it's our turn to hold the wedding reception for ayi.

so yesterday, when i arrived in kelana jaya, the work began. the eggs were boiled, n then there's the job of putting the eggs into the bunga telur. the canopies were set up, white and purple (purple is the theme colour). family members dropped by to help as well, kak dah and nana, kak ah and janna, abang, dian and their son idlan who provided entertainment.this morning, we helped to dress the chairs, the florist decorated the arch with fresh white gerberas and purple mums and we're just waiting for the caterers to come. yours truly is the egg distributor *sigh*. more news to come.

Post Val

i mentioned b4 that i'm a sucker for romance...a romantic at heart. always thot i'd find another kindred spirit (read that to mean a romantic freak). well, that's only a wish.

consider, for instance, my conversation with shaggy bear on valentine's day

nora: are you going out tonite?
shaggy: yeah, i'm going out for drinks with frens. why?
nora:there's a romantic movie on astro. i want u to watch it. (note to readers:the movie mentioned was a walk in the clouds - my fav, acted by my fav actor keanu reeves. gorgeous, darling .... gorgeous)
shaggy: (making unpronounceable noises, therefore unprintable) you know how i feel about romantic movies.
nora: so you dont want to watch a romantic movie with me?
shaggy: if you want to watch one, i'll buy you a ticket, then i'll fetch you when you're done.

yes. an ultra romantic with an ultra practical. my fren sarina told me that she understands what i'm going through. in fact, all women do. this is exactly why the author of Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, made a lot of money. men dont understand the need to be romantic (except during the early days of courtship n you know what).

we, however, have been fed with all the romance, thanks to film industry, fairy tales and thrashy romance novels. the idea of a knight in shining armour (or may be a handsome rich man in BMW) who will rescue his damsel in distress...yadda yadda yadda... so we have dashing rhett butler rescuing scarlet o'hara... ralph macchio doing his karate to rescue his japanese girlfriend in the karate kid, mark darcy who falls for bridget jones...

and then there's the romances by julie garwood and judith mcnaught (i only read the latter's novels) and also the late dame barbara cartland, who always wrote about dashing handsome rich men rescuing destitute beautiful girls. i used to love reading her all-too romantic novels. anyway the late Dame and i have something in common - we both love pink.

and fairy tales. sleeping beauty (waiting for a handsome prince to kiss her. nowadays it'll be a long deep slumber...and a long wait for the kiss). and snow white (in today's world, she would have died of poison first), cinderella (the prince charming might end up with some other girls who dont have pretty dainty feet that can fit the glass slippers, but someone with big boobs).
i suppose i should train shaggy to give me roses (which is highly unlikely) or chocolates (doubtful as well). or may be i should not overromanticise things.*sigh*. but then, i guess that's why i'm an ultra romantic and he's an ultra practical. life will be dull without the other. what's tom cruise's famous lines? "you complete me".

Love Is comic

i'm a sucker for romance. eversince i was a little girl i dreamed of being swept off my feet by a dashing man who would give me roses n shower me with all the attention. hmmm....

almost 10 years ago, there was a cartoon strip featured in NST. it only occupied a tiny space, n it's called love is comic, bcoz everyday they'd feature 2 cartoon characters - a boy n a girl, in love, n the cartoonist would give a wise adage abt love. for example, "love is... meeting your match". at that time, i would cut this cute cartoon strip everytime i bought NST.

last nite, as i was writing the blog, i was reminded of this cartoon strip, n after rummaging thru' my drawers, i found my collection of the cartoon strips. i wanted to send some to shaggy bear. i wondered if they had it on the net...n i found it! so for those of u who would like to feel that warm feeling when u view the comic, pls visit this url http://www.comicspage.com/comicspage/main.jsp?file=20050922cplis-a-p.jpg&refresh_content=1&component_id=3&custid=69&catid=1450&dir=%2Floveis

Ayi's Wedding

it was a happy family occasion last friday nite n saturday afternoon. the room downstairs (which used to be gina's) was converted into the bridal chamber, n the hantarans were all in purple. ayi was getting married. n yet he was still attached to pc n japanese animae. ayi as a married man? hmmmmm.

he felt the wedding jitters as we searched a white rose for his suit lapel. "i'm getting married! i'm scared!" he was yelling in the car to gina n i, n at the same time making unpronounceable noises. that nite, ayi looked different in his akad nikah baju melayu.... his face? like someone abt to stand in trial in court. my eldest nephew abang n my fav bro abg mi were teasing him all the way. at 9, we the tray bearers bore the heavy tembaga trays (including me) n the family made way to rafi's house which is less than 5 mins drive.

on the akad nikah carpet, ayi looked very tense, i've never seen him like that b4 . i was trying to snap some pics of him reciting the akad to kadi, but this idiotic photographer was blocking the view n practically hovered over ayi. anyway, ayi had to only recite only once, n it was considered as valid.

the bersanding was held the next day. we were greeted by the beatings of kompang, n bcoz of this we had to walk at a stately pace (which i hate). the theme colour was green...so we had the newlyweds in green, green dais, green bunga telur, green table skirts.... there's tepung tawar ceremony, n urs truly was also invited to honour the newlyweds with the sprinkling of air mawar n the potpourri.

then it was feast time. we were having fun eating as we kept asking apit to get us dishes at the main table, so we got the prawns n the fish n the quail's eggs n the fruit salad n the jelly.... the only thing that spoiled my appetite was the sound of dangdut songs.....*sigh* y cant they play anuar zain's ballads?

as i'm writing this, ayi n rafi r on their honeymoon... will see them again this saturday for the menyambut menantu.... this time our family will be in lilac ensemble.

10 things about teachers

some frens told me that i look like a teacher. geez, is the word "teacher" stamped on my forehead? y dont i look like a model? (haha that's a laugh). anyway, i was thinking abt this entry when i was in the staffroom, actually, everytime when i'm sitting down writing my lesson plans n not inspiring the students with inspirational talk (nagging).

anyway, this is an attribute to all the teachers, eventhough teachers' day is 3 months away.

You're a teacher when...

1. giving orders are like second nature to you, since you're used to bossing the students around.

2. you feel the impulsive need to correct a mistake.

3. you have ink marks (esp. red ink) on your favourite kebayas and handbags.

4.you become simultaneously the parent, the sister/brother, the teacher, the counsellor, the motivator, the clerk, the driver, the ceti... and still the ministry is thinking of instructing the teachers to do in school assessment for the public examinations...what have we been doing, partying?

5. you dont believe that they are just looking innocently at the student's paper next to them during exam...

6. you have to mark exam papers even outside school hours, most of the time during the holidays, and without extra pay. no OT is allowed.

7. you have to sit for some @$#@%$^% exams to be promoted (and you begin to wonder why they gave you scholarship to do masters if you're going to be stuck at the same grade until you pass the exam)

8. you memorise all the dates for school hols and major hols to escape from the mayhem.

9.the students still call you teacher or cikgu even when they've left school.

10. the only reward you want from your students is for them to pass the exams with flying colours

A Productive Day

i think eversince i studied abt how a national identity is created, i began to have this conscious thought abt our own national identity, n how to actually practise this spirit of togetherness, which is the central of our national identity - to unify the 3 major races. most ppl take it for granted, that just bcoz we live in a multi-racial country, we're tolerant ppl. not really. we have to actively involve ourselves in the process of enunciating the culture of togetherness (sorry, i'm talking literature stuff again, stuff that i write in my dissertation).

well anyway, wat i'm trying to say is that since this is CNY, we should do our bit in being true malaysians n celebrate the other celebrations with our frens. i went to some open houses yesterday n today. i went to my former literature student's house yesterday, which is near to my house. wat is interesting is that her father is an indian while her mother is a chinese, n therefore my student has the best of both cultures. i had a nice time talking to her parents, n seeing the former students congregating at the house. her mother n i hit if off so well that i stayed for 2 n a half hours, talking everything from recipes to her son's exchange programme to italy.

today i made 2 visits. one to a teacher who just returned fr performing haj, n who is close to me in school. we talked abt her experience n wat has been going on in school while she's gone. the other teacher is ah chooi, my partner in the staffroom. when i arrived at ah chooi's apartment, i met 2 other spm examiners who r in my team, n another SS teacher arrived.
so to sum it all, i ate a lot.

n right after coming back fr ah chooi's house, i started to walk in the house. then kak dah started asking wat would we want to have for tea. suddenly i had this idea of making either scones or muffins, but nana preferred scones, probably she remembered the one we had in the cafe of the cattle farm in australia. so i made some apple cinnamon scones, with syahirah trying to help, n kak dah making cucur bawang. as we're cooking, my 2 nephews, helmi n joe came. langkah kaki kanan, i told them. so it was a sumptious spread of tea, a mixture of eastern n western dishes - japanese cheesecake, scones with butter n jams, strawberries, cucur bawang, keropok lekor goreng n hot tea n cold lemonade.

yes i felt guilty. i didnt eat a lot tho'. so to make me feel better, i thot of washing n waxing my car, which i hadnt done in almost 2 years. so there i was, in my long caftan, trying to sponge the roof of my car (n barely made it). at the same time fluffy went missing again, n like kak dah said that's y we have a peribahasa alim2 kucing.

finally, i finished waxing n vacuuming, n caught fluffy. had a productive day today. but still havent finished marking the TOV papers

'Tis the season for tying knots

the whole family has been talking abt nothing else but ayi's wedding which is going to be held on the 2nd weekend of Feb. everyone has been told to wear something lilac, n my lilac ensemble should be ready on the 8th. i'm one of the tray bearers, which is reserved for the anak dara only... just now kak sham called, she sounded distressed, since ayi has been transferred to kemaman clinic n did i know anything abt it? eh? he comes back home...he leaves for work... that's all. he didnt tell me anything.

n while all this happened, i received an sms fr the eldest sis in law last nite - surprise of all surprise, yaya, the quiet n laid back yaya, is getting engaged to a dietitian he met during the courses...hmm this is really a shocker...they're going to meminang n at the same time for bertunang at the girl's aunt's house in shah alam... kak mah asked the siblings to join the entourage...which kak sham n abg mi responded positively.

well let's hope there'll be another news, which i think will also shock the whole family. i'll say no more.

Another Chapter... n Passion in Life

today we had cross-country race at school. i was one of the pencatat masa (the task given from day 1 i'm in SS until the day i m transferred... like all SS teachers wrily put it, to quote SS's song, "tradisi kekal abadi"). some students, esp. the athletes, who r mostly the big boys in form 5, were still strong after the 5km run... some just collapsed at the lanes provided. most decided to do some sight seeing, and arrived much much later. we the teachers had jamuan (the first for 2006, to be followed by another jamuan on 1st Feb in my staffroom) of nasi minyak n sate, n i told myself i have to walk for at least 1 hour today...

sazi's email (sazi, i dont know if i can reveal ur new show, so to be on the safe side, i'm not going to reveal anything) made me think of my late eldest bro, of everything he presented, n the life he led. this again, makes me think of wat life means to each of us.

life is short n precious, we heard this often enough, but do we know wat it really entails? we go thru life like zombies, waking up, going to work, beat the rush hour, eat, coming back fr work, rush hour again, spending a few hours with loved ones, then sleep. n we go thru this again n again...until we ask ourselves "is this all there is to life???".

Life is how we make it. it is we who shape our lives. that means we have the power to choose to be who we r. to be the best that we can be, to be a human with good conscience n a good heart - which is the very basis of our National Education Philosophy (hey, give me a break, i'm a teacher after all).

My eldest brother was the product of Malaysian Dream, of a newly-independent nation struggling to find its own niche n identity, still in its infancy. he was the proof that we could achieve greatness. he was born during Japanese Occupation n spent his infant years during the British bombing n was already in MCKK when Tunku Abdul Rahman uttered the famous cry. my late father was very very young when he had my brother, still in his teens. he was a man with visions, he knew that my late brother could succeed, n so he tutored my brother mathematics at home after work, often with a cane in hand. at 10 years old, my brother sat for a special exam that would enable him to enter MCKK, n he passed. thus, the boy who would later change a lot of doctors' lives went to malaysia's oldest n prestigious boarding school.
my brother loved to read. even when he became the senior physician, he still read medical journals, n kept abreast with the latest medical breakthroughs. this scholarly habit of his helped him through his studies n career.

after becoming a medical specialist, he lectured at UKM, n one of his students now is a successful n rich doctor here in KTrg. as a lecturer, he's torn between upholding the high standard of medicine in tertiary level n passing the students. his insistence in maintaining the highest standard could be seen throughout his career. he then moved to Klang hospital... n later to Kelantan, where he was affectionately known to all doctors n nurses alike as "Bos Aziz". when i asked my nephew yaya y is it that my late bro never turned to private sectors where he could become very rich, yaya answered that my brother felt it's his duty to stay in government hospital to educate the young doctors on wat he knows.

my late brother, datuk dr sidek@ abdul aziz b muhammad, was laid to rest on 30th april 2000. he died in his office after a heart failure, with his close medical attendant beside him, who later met me during the funeral n said "he's a good man".

my brother lived his life according to wat he believed in. he could have chosen fame n glory, but he chose the less glamourous life, to render his service to the society.

initially, i said that life is abt making choices. some may choose to have a life of luxury, some strive to have such a life, but to wat ends? it's not fulfilling just to have all those BMWs n Mercedes or that penthouse...wat will be more satisfying is when u've done something out of your own good heart, for the benefit of the mankind, without dreaming of fortune, fame n glory. wat is important is that inner peace inside u. that is wat u called a rich n meaningful life.

Politics n Food of Love

sazi smsed me asking me to update my blog. so here i am, past my bedtime, having just read tria's n my niece gina's blog.it's been a crappy couple of days for me. on sunday, i was publicly humiliated by my hm in the staffroom for something i didnt do (which, he found out minutes later that it wasnt MY fault, n still, he never bothered to apologise to me). yesterday, i asked my pen kanan to sign a time-out slip that will enable me to bring Mother to the hospital for her eye check up. the pen. kanan, who is more humane, told me to take the day off. the bad news? i had to get the hm's signature. n in the torture chamber, i was asked y is it that i cant just leave Mother at the hospital n just fetch her when she's done? is he crazy??? leaving my half-paralysed mother at the hospital with a maid who can be clueless at times? anyway, in the end i got the hm 's signature. but i knew that his favourites could get away easily (literally speaking). funny, isnt it? when men dont use their brains to decide.i was fuming when i returned, n called shaggy bear straight away. his sympathetic words just made me sebak, but i held on to my tears.

in a few minutes time, it'll be shaggy bear's birthday, n i had baked him a chocolate cake, which he had requested. as i thought of wat to write in his birthday card, i reflected on all the things that we've been thru - he's been my backbone, my rock, my pillar. yes, there r times when he drives me crazy, (n vice versa...he says i'm a strong character hehe) but most of the time (except when he's in his soccer mood), he is there for me.

so this is love.

welcome to the real world of couplehood

everybody always dreams of meeting that Prince Charming, n envies when someone they know meets hers. n when they finally meet that someone, the fun begins. this is the Cloud 9 stage, when he'll call u non-stop n sweep u off ur feet. which woman doesnt enjoy the attention? at this stage too, he's not the only one who's dashing n debonair... u urself will take great pains to be the perfect u, bcoz, let's face it.... when it comes to courtship, u want to market urself like u're the best product available in the market. ever wonder y the peacock opens its beautiful feathers n struts? we the homosapiens r the same.flaunt, n flaunt away....

then when the 2 of u become an item, things begin to settle down. both of u will still be on ur guard, but u'll lessen ur grip, n therefore r a bit relaxed. when more months pass by, both of u begin to see the true colours - the ugly bits n pieces in all of us. this is also when the men just end the chase, n...that's it! the prize is won, the chase is no more. truth comes crashing: welcome to the reality.

it's the same with me n my shaggy bear. we share certain goals n values. but we also have our differences. i've always been a hopeless romantic, n he is a practical man. so practical that sometimes i dont know whether to laugh or cry.n that's when learning to compromise becomes a skill that one must master. bcoz it takes 2 to tango, a relationship is a dance with 2 ppl learning to compromise to create a beautiful dance.

Teary Eyed

on the eve of raya haji, one of my favourite n closest students called me up to say that she received an offer to study in TKC. i'm very happy for her. she's a bubbly girl with an interesting personality. she belongs in a boarding school. a lot of other students in my best class received offers, 1 boy got MCKK. later, thinking that i'm going to miss this noisy bunch, tears began to well up in my eyes. now i understand y my mother cried when i was away in SSP. i've grown to be very attached to them, these bright students, who made my day whenever i entered the class.they're like my children...my sunshines.

The Return of the Teacher

it's new year again.which means, a whole new year at school with new sets of responsibilities, n new sets of students to teach. wish i had more time to rest, after 3 weeks of solid marking n answering ptk exam (which i didnt study for).

my ex students, now considered as the seniors as they entered form 4, r cheerful n keep calling my name whenever they see me near...some of them even said they want to return to form 3.hmmm...

i'm given a heavy burden this year - the school admin gave me 5 classes of form 3 to teach - which means more marking, more work, more migraines... surprisingly, they still gave me the best class to teach, tho' the students r quieter than their predecessors who were a lively bunch of smart kids. so far the students r ok, tho' this is just the beginning of the year, n students r always on their best behaviour the 1st few weeks n later will show their "stripes" (direct translation).

hopefully i can be a better teacher this year. a good teacher inspires, n that's wat i intend to do.

A New Year, A New Perspective

i spent the last few minutes of 2005 with shaggy bear on the phone, n it was a far cry than last year's new year. he later went off to watch his beloved soccer team play. men!
2006. i never even made any new year resolutions. i think resolutions r overrated really. i hate ppl asking others that...as if there's nothing else to ask when the new year is approaching.
if there's one aspect i wish to improve myself in, it's my heart n soul. last week i had a chat with As, my specialist fren. we hadnt talked in months, but we have something in common (which i cant mention yet). she said she's tired of the rat race, earning money just to maintain the roof for shelter n to make sure there's food in her belly. she told me of how our fren, anne, who's a chemical engineer, met them (the seri puteri girls) in sempoi clothes, not bothering abt her unmade face hence not conforming to the patriarchal society's unwritten rules abt women . but anne looked serene. her secret? she doesnt let the problems bother her.

wat good will it do us if we live in a mansion n drive a mercedes if we dont feel at peace? wat good will it do us if we have to go that extra mile just to maintain the lifestyle? y keep a lifestyle we cant afford?

y do we fight n find faults with others? y do we judge ppl when we're not perfect ourselves? n if we know that we're not perfect, y do we punish n label that person? n y do we spread our dissatisfaction of the person to other ppl? for all u know, that person isnt even aware that he makes a mistake. for all u know, ppl end up not only having a bad perception of the person u just !@#$% abt, they also will judge u. this, i talk fr experience. somebody close to me (not shaggy bear of course) has misjudged me for some crime i didnt know i commit n punished me by not speaking to me. may be she forgot our relationship, n who's supposed to respect who. watever wrong i did, i'm sorry. if it's abt money, i tried to rectify it, but may be she didnt see it. n although i can feel the unwelcome air, i still come to her house, hoping that somehow bcoz of the ties that bind us, everything will be as right as snow again. n each time, despite my optimism, i can still read the silent language.

as my fren told me, u cant please everybody. yes, that's true. wat u think is the best might not be so to another person. u have to learn to respect other person's choices (tho in 2005 i was very outspoken on religious issues, n i will continue to do so...sorry, no compromise on that) that u cant be too proud until u lose friendship or the admiration of a closed person. bcoz we live in a society, n there will come a time when we need help from the others."no man is an island" so says John Donne.

the best way to live a happy, simple life... is to forgive n forget. but in order to do so, we must remind ourselves that we r not judges to determine whether the other person is guilty or innocent, that that person is just a human, just as we r humans who're not perfect. after all, anger n pride aside, there's no one but us....

Zombie

for almost a month i was slaving myself marking spm paper. i marked more than 400 scripts ranging fr the good ones to those who can either make u cry or laugh...depending on how stressed u r at the time.

the last time i marked spm paper was in the year 2000 but i stopped after that since i started my MA a year later. marking isnt easy. if it's easy, some of us wont get headaches. but i think the most essential element an english teacher should have is a really good knowledge of linguistics, to deal with all the grammatical mistakes.

yesterday the ordeal was over. thank god! i was supposed to study for my ptk exam, but i was in no mood to study...wat? study after marking hundreds of scripts? one of my spm teammates said "there's no need to read...just shooting2 je". so today i went to school n just looked at the other teachers in amusement. this is one exam i dont care for the outcome. how can u judge how good a govt officer is by merely looking at how many questions he scored correctly in the exam? this is not a high school or university...we're talking abt a person's integrity here. a teacher who passes the ptk might not be a good teacher or does his work seriously. n that also doesnt mean that a teacher who fails ptk is a bad teacher. it's funny isnt it, the person who suggested ptk doesnt have to sit for it...may be if all the JUSAs have to sit for the ptk, they will think otherwise.

well anyway the questions can be mindboggling, since i'm not used to answering questions in bahasa, n worse, wat can u make out fr. "hamparan elektronik"??? later i found out that "persembahan" refers to powerpoint...ye gads, y dont they just type the original name of the programme instead of translating every single thing....it's a good thing they dont include "joystick" in...just imagine how vulgar the translation would be.

Victory!

i've been marking the 1119 papers eversince i got back fr the Oz trip, so to those of u, i'm sorry if i dont sound very sociable. *sigh* back to business as usual. hey, at least i get paid for it. (reminds me of Abg Mie's answer when i asked him y he wanted to be a pilot n he answered "i get paid to travel")

anyway, yesterday i had a phonecall from the Dean's Office. the officer informed me that the internal n external examiners have passed my dissertation. i'm officially an M.A. English Literature graduate!!!! woooooooooooooo!!!!!! i never thot this day would arrive. believe me, i got so disillusioned that i just wanted to get the dissertation over n done with. at that time the oppressive weight of the dissertation was an instant killjoy.

i think i've written this lots of time, but ppl never seem to understand. my mother used to say "u wont understand it until u experience it urself" (she was talking abt her pain). some ppl r critics who give destructive comments. they may not say much, but their few words can totally destroy whatever shreds of faith u have left. "kenapa lama sgt buat masters?" yes, i heard this all the time. most of the time i felt like shooting them. try reading 3 novels n then read homi bhabha's book. u'll go crazy. seriously.

in masters programme, there r a lot of structures that u can choose. i chose coursework n dissertation, since i thot that i didnt know much abt lit. n i wanted to take classes. those classes helped me a lot. i wouldnt know abt Freud or Heidegger or Lacan or Barthes or Stuart Hall or Homi Bhabha or Helen Cixous or Simone de Beauvoir if it werent for Lit. theory (the killer subject in MA Lit, where students tend to fail). i miss those other classes , the 19th century lit, the 20th century, (when we were kurunged in class by Miss Wong bcoz we didnt finish reading Virginia Woolf's novels), the Renaissance which i cant remember much, but shakespeare n john donne r the 2 outstanding ones. these classes werent conducted by the lecturers, bcoz this was seminar-styled class. which means the students had to take turns presenting papers in front of the class. n that the lecturers could bombard u with questions any time, n u're supposed to answer it without looking at the paper. to those of u who dont know lit, this is not the kind of lit where u give a simple answer when asked questions. this is the kind of lit where we go really deep. we analyse the characters - their psyche, we analyse the themes n the symbolism in depth, which means we always have heavy discussions on politics, religions, cultures n society. we write 7,000 words for our essays (final sem exam). n when we finish our coursework, we have to write 30,000 words for our dissertation. my dissertation is around 28,000 words. at the beginning of my dissertation, a lecturer scared me by saying that it's suicidal to analyse Rushdie's works n it's double suicidal to apply homi bhabha's theory. bhabha's theory is complex, n is presented in the most scholarly (read that to mean bombarstic) language possible that when u read it, u know it's supposed to be english, n yet u've to read it more than 10 times to understand it. several lecturers told me "any MA student cannot finish their dissertation within 2 semesters. it's not possible". they'r right. at that time i was pushed by the deadline of my sabbatical leave. but i also remember the Dean telling the postgrads that UM is obssessed with quality to maintain the high standard of education. which was y it took me 2 years to do my dissertation, the equivalent of 4 semesters ("4 semesters to do a dissertation is sensible" said Dr Sharmani, my supervisor). yes, UM is obssessed with quality. all lit. lecturers expect the best fr. us. there has to be discipline, determination, commitment to our studies, the ability to reason, n the most important aspect of all - perseverance. perseverance helped me through it all. there were many a times when i broke down n wanted to give up. any MA lit student can tell u that while the M. Ed tesl students r busy discussing or talking at the students square, the MA Lit students r sitting silently, reading the novels or notes for the class.

but if it's so difficult y did u choose lit? u may ask. well, i love literature. it's more interesting than tesl subjects or linguistics which is so dry. i dont regret taking lit. it's a battle filled with blood n sweat, but i came out victorious. the wisdom i acquired is priceless.

this is dedicated to my coursemates, kak non n kak fazi, nash - my scholarly discussion partner cum walking lit dictionary who helped me a lot in this dissertation; iris, jaya sree, elison, christine, emily, david, kasi n tik shaiza.

Wanderlust:The Journey Home

i'm now back in Malaysia. arrived at KLIA at 8.30pm on 29th. earlier that day, Gina n I went to Victoria Market for the last shopping. we stopped at this section of the market where they sell all kinds of food that u cant help but go crazy. there'r shops selling homemade pastas, cheeses, meat products, sweets n chocolates, coffee beans, preserves..n my fav - the bakery. there's this 1 shop selling all the pastries n their danishes n almond croissant r simply divine!!!! i'm still thinking of the croissant.
after the stuff that we bought, we walked back to nana's apartment n got ready to return to Malaysia. i knew i was going to miss Melbourne, its 4-season-in-a-day weather, the trams, Victoria Market, the pastries... i thot it's a busy city like KL, but it's a city that celebrates life with the loved ones after work so that u dont get stressed.that's y offices n shops close at 6pm. it's hailed as the most liveable city in the world.
having said that, i'm not saying that i've completely forgotten Malaysia. on the contrary, it makes me appreciate Malaysia more. i miss the food. which is y when kak sham n her daughters lunched at Miss Read, i chose to eat malaysian dishes instead of the Western fare.
i'm back in Trg now, n am happy to cuddle Fluffy. Mother is happy with her wool shawl n leather purse. n she enjoyed eating the cherries n strawberries. my room smells of the scented soaps i brought back. the sheepskin is also in my room, cant put it outside since Fluffy might decide to pee there.
during the 7 hr flight, i had a conversation with a British elderly abt the benefits of travelling. i learnt abt other ppl's culture, places, food n it makes all the difference to me. that's y salman rushdie celebrates the idea of rootlessness. by travelling, u're putting urself in a liminal space, re-creating ur identity.