sensationalism in mass media

well well well...a tv station wore a smug smile because it bought the rights to televise the so-called "wedding of the decade". then, two other stations felt that they should get a piece of the cake too. so they decided to televise an interview of a certain rising star and his ex fiancee'. talk about sensationalism. talk about manipulation. and malaysians seem to fall for it. hmmph.

i flipped the channel to astro ria. ok, there was mawi and ina... 9pm. flip. ok, i saw siti walking towards the dais with datuk k. they sat down on a love seat. the tv commentators said that the theme was supposed to be a garden wedding while maintaining the malay tradition. didnt see any of it except for the newlyweds' ensemble and the bunga telur. the bridesmaids were slowly fanning the newlyweds, the fans resembled more like what Cleopatra used a long time ago.... siti was radiant. a bride's radiance. but datuk K's face was troubled. i wonder why. then they shot the front view. datuk k's face was hidden by strands of jasmine...or is that stepnotis? well, after that it got boring. flip. ah! the confessions of mawi and ina....the oprah style. but that got boring too... mawi didnt want to talk about his personal life. he doesnt look like the sort who tells the whole world. i dont blame him. i blame the media.

so what can we conclude here? that it's all hyped up and these people are just like us. in the end they go through the same mundane life as we do. that there are always manipulators.
flip. channel 17. ah! they're showing House. at least i had a good laugh listening to Dr House's cynical and witty remarks.

bills, bills, bills

it is also universally accepted that at the end of the month (depending on when one gets one's salary, whether on the 1st, 15th or the 25th), one will be suffer a dry spell... as in one's pocket will no longer jingle, there is no fat wad of notes in the purse/wallet, and instead of splurging at chilli's sinking one's teeth into succulent steak, one eats a RM1.50 nasi lemak.

my situation got worse this month since i had to travel to KL for 3 weekends in a row for my convo (1st trip to get my robe and attend the rehearsal.had to go bcoz there's a demo on how to wear the robe and the hood. 2nd trip was my convo.3rd trip was to return the robe and claim the certificate fr. the inst. of postgrad studies.) i wonder if UM ever considered that they have postgrad graduands who are working outside KL. what a dry spell... really musim kemarau. kering. felt like trudging the Sahara desert. trudging...drooping...drooping...salivating at the sight of pretty Nine West heels..nice gold bracelet at Habib *sigh*...drooping...falling...falling...

anyway, my spirits are revived when we the ever so loyal govt officers got our salary...hallelujah!! helloooo world!!! it was hell on the road that day...it seemed like i wasnt the one affected by the dry spell... it's raining money, and everyone's out to play. the roads were congested. parking was hard to find. there were long queues at the ATMs.

but of course, the joy didnt last long. bills just kept pouring in at the letterbox. *sigh*. i went to buy a new pair of walking sandals just now... and i was shocked to learn that in the course of 2 years, the price of the sandals had gone up by RM15. geez. and of course, nowadays, in KL, a decent nasi lemak (with all the works) will cost around RM3.50 to RM5. when i was studying at PPP, i remember eating that amount of nasi lemak (half of a hardboiled egg, a fried chicken) that cost around RM1.50. those were the good ole days...

and back to the present time. still stuck in the vicious cycle. replenished and sunny day. then later as dried up as a raisin in the desert....

Humility:back to the basics

it is universally accepted that when one has achieved a certain station in life i.e. to achieve financial stability (or precariously hanging to it with credit card debts), one decides that he should be rewarded in terms of materials - a nice car ('nice' is very subjective - ranging from myvi to a BMW), a house (ranging from an apartment that looks like a small box to a bungalow that costs RM1million), an expensive handphone (usually with features that one is clueless about but buys it anyway because it looks 'cool').

it is not wrong to spend money, and it's not my point for writing this. however, when one is used to comfort and wealth, one grows soft,and actions that we did a few years ago would deem as beneath us now. i'm not criticising anybody, because i'm guilty of this too.

i'm about to go to UM to return my robe and to get my MA certificate. i'm not going by car, and at this time i sorely miss my wira. i remember those times during my sabbatical leave when i could just jump into my car and go anywhere i like in KL. ah, the comfort! but i take this as a challenge. because there's nothing better to educate yourself than to return to the basics. it teaches us humility, and along the ride with fellow commuters, one can learn a new thing or two.

Perception and Reality

our society simply loves to label people, and sometimes the labelling goes to the extreme until we've become too biased and hold on to our perceptions and beliefs steadfastly, like clutching tightly to a drawtring purse full of coins.

i was talking to a friend in KL recently, and she told me of a mother's opinion in the website ummikusayang - who claims that teachers are lazy and work half a day. my initial reaction to this is indignation, but now i feel sad for this mother, it seems that she's been living in the world of the past. in defence of the teachers, i would like to say this :

1. that without teachers, nobody is willing to babysit the students 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

2. also, a teacher's job is not simple, we dont only teach, we TRY educate the students. this means we try to inculcate moral values to them. but if they're still rude and hopeless, dont blame it on us, because we've tried. they have your genes.

3. again, we dont only teach, we are also in various committees for all the events held at school. this includes sports, extra classes, academic camps, annual camps at remote areas that even YOU dare not go. and all these events are for the benefit of YOUR children.

4. again, we dont work half a day. we have extra classes during weekdays. we have extra classes on saturdays. we have books to mark. and, for those teachers who only teach exam classes like me, we have to mark exam papers 4 times a year. i have 150 students. so, 150 scripts x 4 =600 scripts a year. we dont only mark exam papers during school hours, but also after our school hours, school hols....talking about school hols., some of us are sent for courses or seminars or workshops, as ordered by lembaga peperiksaan, or kementerian pelajaran, or jabatan pelajaran negeri, or pejabat pelajaran daerah.

5. i would like to ask that particular mother, what would she be like if she had no teachers? she can insult us, but we get the pahala for teaching the kids.

however, not only the teachers are attacked. i overheard a few friends talking, and they were condemning the doctors at public hospitals. my late brother was a medical specialist. a damn good one. one of the best in the country. he was offered to work in private hospitals, but he declined because his sole purpose was to educate young doctors in public hospitals. my nephews are doctors. and i've another niece who's still studying medicine. 3 of my seri puteri classmates are doctors, with one of them holding an MRCP, and another one is a dentist. in defence of the doctors at public hospitals i'll just say:

do not belittle the new doctors. they have to start somewhere. give them a chance. after all, you were like them when you started working. so dont be vicious. anyway, they know more than you do about your health. they have the licence. you dont.

the moral of the story? do not be too quick to judge people and be humble. it will get you somewhere.

Continuing the Pursuit of Knowledge

i'm a lover of books. given the choice between spending RM200 on books or cosmetics, i'd prefer to spend my money on the former. cosmetics doesnt last forever, besides it only boosts one's vanity, but books open a whole new world to us - in the way we perceive life and people, as well as expanding our vocabulary (which i always preach to my students, but they never listen)

yesterday i bought another 3 books from kinokuniya - one is about the islamic way of life, one is war and peace by tolstoy and another is a seminal work The Prince by the philosopher Macchiaveli (whom i've quoted in my thesis). because i believe that having a masters degree doesnt make me a person who knows more, in fact it makes me realise that there is more to be learnt.

right now i'm reading The Life of Pi by Yann Martel, who won the man booker prize in 2002 for this novel. martel employs the post-modern style in the structure of his novel, however, having said that, i find the earlier part of the novel too laborious to read because of the explanation about zoology and the animal behaviorism. martel should have captured the readers interest from the start, with some interesting lines. he switches point of view during the early part, but seems to abandon it when his character Pi is shipwrecked and alone in a lifeboat with a tiger,a hyena and a zebra. havent finished reading the book, but i cant say that it impresses me at all.

perhaps war and peace will fare better.

The Graduation

the alarm went off at 5.30. i woke up groggily, and looked at the bed so longingly, but i knew i had to wake up. for it was my graduation day (yeee haaaa!!). had to wake up early to put on the robe and the hood (which reminds me of the olden days when scholars were monks in cassocks and hoods). the assistant registrar already advised us to come early as to avoid the jam near the main entrances of UM. so kak dah and i made our way from ampang to UM at 6.30am.

as we reached there, i saw fellow graduands all in their robes, with long tails at the side (which differentiates us from the 1st degree graduands) with colourful hoods which also differentiate us from the other faculties. incidentally, the arts faculty's hood colour is pink. glorious pink :o). we were supposed to assemble at bangunan peperiksaan, and all the while, all were either pinning their hoods or readjusting their mortar board caps before we were called to queue according to our numbers. i met some seri puteri juniors there too. one is fr my fac, and the other is from law. the procession then began, and the traffic in UM was standstill near the DTC as the guards let us cross the road. this is our day.

near to 9, the academic staff entered and i saw the english head of dept, dr agnes yeow. then raja nazrin arrived. we only saw him through the big screen. never mind, he was going to present us the scrolls.

waiting for your turn is a suffering. the arts fac was half down the list. i was very restless and started shaking my legs until my fellow english lit graduand told me that according to chinese superstition, shaking one's leg is sure to drive away the money. soon it was our turn. there was supposed to be 4 english literature graduands, but only 2 of us turned up. then my name was announced, and there i was, walking nervously (knowing that the camera was on me) towards raja nazrin, bowing to him, receiving the scroll, saying "terima kasih tuanku"... then...hmmm i cant remember whether i bowed to him again or not. well, never mind. i didnt stumble or trip on my shoes.

at noon, the ceremony was over. it's lunch time. my last meal was at 6.30 am and i was famished. so b4 taking pics, kak dah and i had lunch. after that it's action time, as we queued (and some jumped queue) to take pics at strategic spots (anywhere that has UNIVERSITI MALAYA in big letters and the logo). i was sweating profusely at this time, god only knows how thick the robe was. and in this hot weather. we went back at 2pm, still sweating after the long walk to the car.

today i'm proud of myself, because english literature IS difficult, and i've made it. MA English Literature, specialising in post-colonial literature, specialising in cultural hybridity and salman rushdie.

boundless gratitude to Dr Carol Leon and Dr Sharmani Gabriel, my supervisors cum Post-Colonial Literature lecturers; Prof Lim Chee Seng who taught me Rennaissance Literature and can quote Shakespeare at anytime and anywhere, Assoc Prof Dr Su Soon Peng who taught me the fundamentals of Literary Theory and Stylistics, Dr Sharifah Aishah Osman and Miss Alice Pillay who taught 19th Century Literature, Miss Wong Ming Yook who taught 20th Century Literature, and to Nasirin Abdillah, the genius in our class who helped me with the almost impossible to write dissertation.

next target: to obtain PhD and wear that nice beret with gold or silver tassle that PhD holders wear during convo and to shake hands with the handsome sultan azlan shah. though it will probably fry my brain to do PhD in Literature.

a million little pieces : a book review

this book, as usual, is featured in oprah show. oprah's staff all say that the book is a page-turner. so i decided to read the book.

what is different is that this is a memoir of james frey, when he was a heavy-duty alchoholic and drug addict. the story starts when he passes out and cant remember where he is, and then his parents send him to a rehab centre.

the story is about how he comes to term with his life. self-hatred consumes him, he also has the habit of pushing people away from his life.his doctor tells him that his addiction damages his liver, kidney and god knows where else, and says that another drink or dose of drug and he'll die. he is thinking of doing just that, but he is stopped by a rehab mate, who happens to be a mobster. this is the start of his recovery, his gradual faith in himself, his conviction that he'll stay sober, and his newfound love for family and friends.

this is a good read because it is a real story, by someone who has no pretensions and who has risen from being the misfit of the society to a real person.

i like the style of his writing. it's modern, conforming to the contemporary use of stylistics. he uses words with precision. short words that give impact,and also repetitions that sound poetic.

thumbs up.

Pre-Graduation Preparation

i cant believe it. i am finally going to walk on the stage and receive the scroll fr raja nazrin this wednesday. i went down to KL to take my graduation gown, the hood (guess the colour of the fac of arts' sash) and the mortar board. the gown looks a cross between a monk's cowl and a shapeless maternity dress. the next day, which was on saturday, we had the rehearsal at 11am for the postgrads. the undergrads had theirs before us. yup, you can definitely identify the postgrads - they look more dignified and matured. the assistant registrar briefed us on how the event would take place, and where we're supposed to assemble. then they gave a demonstration on how to wear the gown. the PhD graduates' gowns look nicer, it has more colour and they get to wear the beret. well, ours are similar like degree holders, with a slight difference in the sleeves. they told us to be careful when bowing to the chancellor/pro-chancellor and where we place our feet. it seems that last year, some tripped over their heels, some forgot where they're supposed to go, and there was a tall gentlemen who dropped his mortar board. they even wrote this on the lcd screen "the success of the convocation depends on you". pretty scary. so i cancelled my plan to wear my 2 inch heels and headed to midv and bought low-heeled pumps.

Real Women have Curves

the first time i saw the movie was featured in oprah show, i vowed to myself to watch the movie. last night, i got the chance to watch on hbo. it's a movie of an overweight latino girl (hmmm the adjective reminds me of myself). anyway, i'm not going to talk abt the movie.

i gained 3kgs and according to my niece asha the medic student, it's caused by depression. i guess she's right...what with the endless camps and papers to be marked, and the aftermath of the breakup, i turned to comfort food. i vowed to lose some weight for my convo on the 9th aug, but i lost only a kg. it doesnt help when i happen to love baking and baked chocolate mud cake, durian mousse cake, chocolate banana cake and god knows what else in the course of 2 weeks. it doesnt help either when nasi lemak is more appealing than a banana and an orange (which is supposed to be my mid-morning snack). i was off-course for awhile when my sister came back, since i've the tendency to eat more when family members are around. but i resumed my walk yesterday and this morning despite my sleepiness i dragged myself to walk again...*sigh*. wonder if i can lose another kg b4 the convo....

i've to go and take my convo robe fr the ips on the 4th. geez...they even have a special counter that we have to go thru' - the debt clearance counter...we're going to have a rehearsal on saturday...

Getting there

my ex missed call me twice yesterday. i dont know why he's doing this, but it's really @#@$%ing me off. anyway, he succeeded in communicating with me. and told me why he called. he was looking for a redemption and hoping that i would forgive him. hmmph...i said i cant. after what he did to me, i just cant.

nina told me that i've to learn how to forgive. yes i know, to forgive is divine, but at the moment i dont feel charitable. what i feel right now is wrath towards him. that's the surface of my sea of emotions, the mask that i wear. but i know that underneath it, some twenty thousand leagues under the sea is just deep deep anguish that i do not wish to feel and hope to ignore. this is the hardest part of the process - to endure. it's even harder when all my frens r in kl while i'm here. but then i still survive.

Entertaining Myself with Pulp Fiction

my seri puteri fren, anne, sent me 3 books for me to read. this is very kind of her, in a way this is her way of helping me to deal with my post-breakup phase. when we were at school, we were voracious readers. we read a lot of romances actually...so there were a lot of jude deverauxs, julie garwoods and judith mcnaughts.

anyway, back to the present time. she knows that i detest pulp fiction and only extol the virtues of reading pure literary text. so she sent me this note"hi nora, the books are meant for mindless entertainment (memandangkan kau ni lit major...silly chick lit stuff like these may not be your cup of tea)". there's confessions of a shopaholic - i finished the book yesterday. yes, at first i was gritting my teeth. trying to control myself from lashing against the book. or worse, toss it away. but i told myself that this is, like anne said, "mindless entertainment", so i kept on reading...all the while thinking of rebecca as a compulsive shopper (hence, a shopaholic) and a liar too (i thot of my ex). well, the novel is ok lah... (ok anne, i'm trying not to give any negative comments). am reading the 2nd novel....

The Birthday Girl: A Recapitulation of the Wonder Years

okay so i turned 33 today. when i woke up i received several smses from my tesl buddies fai n mozie n linda. thanx gals! went to school with my durian mousse cake and slightly cair lemon cheesecake. the durian mousse cake was a hit in the staffroom...hmmm...nobody could resist the durian smell. received more birthday wishes from students n teachers alike. but couldnt bask in the glory of the day bcoz i had to handle the 2nd phase of the pmr camp.

yes, i've come a long way. being the youngest, it didnt help at all when your siblings just spoilt u rotten with sweets n soft toys...n ur mother fed u nestum n raw egg yolk (euuwww!!! i ate that??). yes, i'm a part of the generation called the baby boomers, when comfort n abundant food began to exist in the malaysian society. when i was growing up, big plastic cassette was the trend when we wanted to listen to music. cant remember wat it was called, but i grew up listening to Boney M n the Bee Gees. when i was 5, my parents sent me to St Theresa's Kindergarten. while the rest of the girls' pinafore hung loosely to their bodies, mine was a perfect fit. i remember the breaks of tiny cookies n grape cordial drinks... then i went to SS1, i was either the top or the 2nd in the class...

then, i was offered to study in sek. seri puteri KL, where the seniors terrified me more than the teachers. yes, hostel life was tough at first, esp. when u've never been away fr home n u were told to cry a bucket full of tears to get a senior's signature. but it was fun after that, i got used to the life in a boarding school. it was fun watching scary movies under the black velvety sky on friday nites....n fun going shopping wearing our yellow baju rasmi (we used to think it looked better than tkc's green ones). at this time, the boy group to rule the day was NKOTB but i wasnt a big fan of them... but anyhow, i used to hear that the 80s has the best songs. i'm even listening to some of them now... like Heart's Alone.... or A-ha's Take on Me,... Tears for Fears' Everybody Wants to Rule the World which is the soundtrack for Real Genius, Spandau Ballet's True which i think epitomises the 80s, n Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. the best movies in the 80s? Top Gun...the girls went crazy over tom cruise. he shot to stardom bcoz of that movie. i even wrote a story that was almost similar to top gun for my 1119 essay. the scariest movie at that time... must be the nightmare on elm street. the funniest? the police academy.

then, after spm, i got the federal scholarship to do b.ed tesl in ppp/itm n later ukm, where i got to know more than a hundred personalities. this is the time when i became a young adult, going to class n when the classes were over, it's shopping time with frens. we even negotiated with the ever so obliging n sporting lecturers so that we could have the fridays free so weekends started early. there's an eating place which is fondly called as The Junction by the ppp students bcoz it's located next to a junction...the name stuck until now...the place is crowded with students...n there're even certain stalls frequented by a levels students, tesl students, n mucia students. oh yeah i forgot...i MUST tell this story...i'm sure my tesl frens remember this clearly...the libray is known to be the place where u skodeng or cuci mata...n of all of its chairs, there's one that one must avoid or else face the consequences of being sniggered at. there's this 1 chair, when u sit on it, would emit a farting sound. yes, a farting sound... so just imagine a guy trying to act suave in front of a girl n sat on the chair...yup...very funny indeed...

life in ukm was quite hard...we had to leave our having-fun-days-in-ppp behind. it was assignments, assignments, as well as climbing the 96 stairs to our kamsis to n fro...to go to class...there were times when there's no water...so we had to wake up at 5 in the morning to bathe in the faculty building....bad bad experience... classes were ok, we were in jeans most of the times, the most interesting lectures n tutorials for me would be literature classes, n the most hated ones - everything to do with linguistics - morphology,syntax n semantics, phonetics n phonology - so when mr imran ho (now dr imran ho) gave his most-of the-time very incomprehensible lecture, i would come out of the lecture hall with very clean n blank exam pad...couldnt get wat he was saying since i was gawking most of the time...may be bayam understood him, she was the top linguistics student. my fav lecturer who became my mentor is mr hazidi abd hamid. he s very funny, n regaled us with his funny n interesting stories when he was a student in the UK. he was also, incidentally, the only lecturer i know to fall asleep during our weekly literature lecture in the hall... i could hear him snoring gently. he denied it of course. he became my academic exercise supervisor n told me to read jostein gaarder n kazuo ishiguro (i read both) n i thank him for opening a whole new world for me - that the mind can absorb so much through reading. i guess that was when i thought of doing my masters in literature.

the 90s saw the emergence of alternative music n the cranberries. my tesl batch had a band called kojo gilo... they actually bought electric guitars for their band n performed Zombie to us - with flair i think, after hours of jamming in kajang. i'm not really interested in alternative, by this time, i'm into hip hop n R&B so i had many many albums by boyz 2 men, all 4 one, babyface, keith sweat, r kelly, blackstreet, tlc, swv, silk, color me badd...bla bla bla...

then in 97 i graduated...wearing orange coloured robes!! geez...the teslians were loud enough...but did we have to wear the orange coloured robes? then the hundred of us parted ways...most of us became teachers or lecturers while some began to work elsewhere...i was posted to tok jiring, n it did me good. it was here that i1st wore tudung. but after teaching for 3 years i realised that i needed more...i missed the learning, the life of the scholar. so i applied to further my studies in UM, n i also applied for a scholarship. i got both. yes, literature is very interesting but it's very very tough... to be able to study literature, u've to be able to open ur mind bcoz discussions can be controversial n sensitive at times. we discussed politics, religions, sexual politics, cultures...it is here that i learnt to be critical minded, thanx to those scholarly discussions under the supervision of very good lecturers.

when my 2 years of sabbatical leave finished in nov 2003, i was reposted to sultan sulaiman - the school where all my siblings went (except for my eldest bro who was a true mckkian through n through). yes the students r colourful, they make me angry, they also make me laugh....

which brings me back to the present. in salman rushdie's midnight's children, saleem sinai claims that he is the sum of all the experience n the people in his life, i m also shaped by all these memories. a hotchpotch. a melange.happy birthday to myself.

facing 33 tomorrow

it's the eve of my 33rd birthday today. i'm not really excited about hitting another year. probably bcoz i've undergone some very tough times this year. so what does the 33 bring me? i dont know. but so far, being 32 aint bad. at the end of my 32nd year, i discovered a lot of things - a lying ex-bf, and that i can survive without such a jerk, that to finish my masters is a sweet victory since it was a 5 year-struggle, that i ve friends whom i can depend on, and that i can make a difference.

i welcome the 33rd birthday, hoping that the next year ahead will make me a stronger woman, as i said, able to make a difference, and in control of her happiness.

The Journal Of MY Life

The Journal Of MY Life

Nora's Poem: A Tale of A Wanderer

A wanderer never stops her journey,
Walking through a maze of blur shapes
I am trudging my weary feet,
To an unknown destination.
Worn till hopes are cracked to dust.

The wind howls,
Articulating the pain.
Tears course through the lifeless
Veins of earth.

The quest is too long
The treasure too elusive.
I’m bent by every failure,
Till I drop to my knees and weep bitterly.
Je suis fatiguee′.
Je suis fatiguee′.

Happily Ever After- A Contemplation... A Myth?

some people are born lucky - loving family, good schools, good friends, pierced by Cupid's bow, got hitched and start a family. they dont know how lucky they are.

we, the lesser mortals, the singles in the 30s, have a different story. sure, i'm from a good family full of high achievers, went to one of the best schools in malaysia, did my 1st and masters degrees, have a wide circle of frens and have a stable job. but it stops there. i'm not so lucky in love.

i was talking to my fren nina just now, and asked her how is it that a cad like shahul can be a nice cad? she said candidly, "because he's a bastard. he's just pretending to be nice". hmmm.... if cads and cons are nice, how do we tell the difference between the fakes and the real mccoy? it makes the search more elusive and nearly hopeless. is it?

both nina and i are undergoing tough phases in life. i am reminded of sex and the city, in one of the episodes, the 4 ladies have a discussion about the knight in shining armour. charlotte is frustrated "i've looked for him all my life. where is he?". and miranda, samantha and carrie look at her with pity and as good girlfriends, tell her what i'm going to say next. that in real life, though we are the real damsels in distress, there's no such thing as a knight who will sweep off our feet and rescue us from whatever is distressing us. WE have to be our own knights because this is our life. our own happiness is not dictated by men. we are the ones responsible for our own happiness. so girls, seize the day... carpe diem! go and get that masters degree...go and join that kickboxing class...life has much to offer.

i also remember a scene when the 4 ladies' fren is married and throws the bouquet. it lands at the 4 ladies' feet. none of them pick it up. moral of the story? girly wishes dont often come true. to live happily ever after with a man? - is highly overrated.

and that concludes Nora's philosophical ramblings for today.

surviving

they say every cloud has its silver lining. and i believe it. now, am back to being single. things arent so bad now (except at school, and i'm trying to get out now to fly to some ivory tower if there's rezeki). no tears drop, no ache in the heart. it's useless anyway. i'm trying to find myself again, and to pick up the pieces. at this time i'll start philosophising, (as most people who become single again tend to do) and probably take up some new hobbies.

yes, the future isnt bleak. i'm preparing for it. right now i'm surviving, and giving myself a chance to heal and to get the respect that i deserve

My Forbidden Fruit

There lies in the Garden on this Earth,
A fruit that you can smell its sweetness,
Tempting you to draw nearer and nearer.
To possess such loveliness.
But thorns fiercely guard the desired orb,
To reach is to be bled.
There it lies, my forbidden fruit...
My heart aching to possess it.
it sings to me, beckoning me.
But to possess it means my downfall.
Heavy as a lead i turn my back on the lovely orb.
My forbidden fruit.

memoirs of a geisha: a review

the movie came out earlier this year. i've yet to watch the movie, but according to gina, it's slooowww. well, i can just imagine that it's as slow as the da vinci code. i read memoirs of a geisha to gauge how good the book is. my honest opinion? it's too slow for me.

yes, the story opens a new world to us - the world of the geishas and their lives as entertainers (and as dignified upperclass gros). when i read the book, i wasnt too excited to know wat's going to happen next. i had to force myself to read more than 10 pages a day...and that says a lot, since i had to read a lot of difficult literary texts when i was doing my masters.

just like the da vinci code which received a lot of hoo haas from worldwide readers, this book didnt leave me a lasting impression. in fact, there's no impression at all, except that it's the type of light reading you can take up when you're at the beach or when there's a flight delay.

i remember reading kazuo ishiguro's the remains of the day which won him the booker prize in the 90s. sure, it's not as exciting, but the difference between a good read (usually that means literary text) and just plain pulp fiction is that a good read will lead you to ponder about life - truly ponder about life. the remains of the day is a story about an english butler, so dedicated to his work that he never realises the love the housekeeper has for him...later in his life when he's growing old does he realise his feelings for her. and then it's too late.

another tip: good writers dont present us the story, they want us to interact with it, so they dont reveal everything and let us wonder.

Redang Trip: A Breakaway

i dreaded going to Redang when they told me i've to sleep in a tent. this is, after all, a survival camp for the LCDS members, and unfortunately, as its teacher, i had to go.

The students were already grinning when they saw me at the jetty "can you survive, teacher?". they know how i'm like. frankly, i didnt know myself whether i could survive or not.
we didnt stay at redang. we stayed at the marine park at the smaller island called pulau pinang. i know this sounds like a cliche, but the water is really crystal clear aquamarine, and we could see corals n colourful fishes swimming and being fed by snorkellers.

as this was a survival camp, the students had to set up tents. the camp commandant was another teacher frm another school, and he instructed the students how to set up tents (while we the teachers stood by hehehe). we didnt do much on the first day, but that night, it rained cats and dogs. some tents were leaking so the poor students couldnt sleep. and because they're deprived of their beds, they were forced to become nocturnals and were singing the whole night. i didnt have much sleep either, listening to them.

the next day, we had snorkelling. i have phobia of drowning so after a few mins of trying and nearly drowning, splurting and swallowing the salty water, i gave up. my enthusiastic students were having a fun time and swam all the way to the marine park. they spent more than an hour there. after lunch we had a boat ride, going to the other islands. the commandant already told them they could snorkel at one of the islands. so they did.... twice at different islands. and then we stopped at pasir panjang...they still went snorkelling and i went to shop...after a day of not spending money. we returned to the marine park at nearly 7...n still, after 3 times of snorkelling, some of them asked if they could snorkel... we saw some baby sharks swimming some 2-3 metres away fr the shore... i remember the perikanan person telling us that the sharks will come down in the evening. we had bbq that night, the students had to grill the chicken themselves. then they performed some sketches, some were really funny.it didnt rain that night, and because everyone was so exhausted, it was a peaceful night.

the next day they had jungle trekking but i didnt go (remembering the gunung lambak expedition). after dismantling the tents and lunch, we cleared the campsite and had a prize giving ceremony. the students presented me with pink towels, calling me their "beloved cute miss nora who survived this survival camp". ah well... then we boarded the ferry. some didnt want to leave. i felt the same way too. but i miss my home.

all in all, it was a good trip. it's nice change, especially for me. spending time with the motley bunch of students is great.

the breakup

shahul finally called me yesterday afternoon. i asked him why, when i broke up with him last week, he came back and kept telling me he's not married. he said "because i didnt want you to do stupid things". yeah rite. it was a disappointing and heartbreaking talk - esp. when i found out that at the same time i was chatting with him on msn, he was also chatting with other girls. and he led me to believe he's single for more than a year. his excuse was that he didnt want to jeorpadise my MA thesis. again, yeah rite... more heartbreaking was when he told me he wasnt serious abt getting married to me (a lot of frens swore n cursed at this point) and that he felt guilty everytime we talked.

his wife is of the same age as me, a housewife. i pity her, because she doesnt know what a jerk and an s.o.b he is. and he loves her. it hurts me the most. and he still had the nerve to ask me to be his fren. only his fren.

i couldnt settle being his fren. i couldnt be his fren and suffer the thought that he has a happy life with his wife and children. it hurts too much, after all the betrayal, the lies....especially the lie that he loved me.

so last night i told him i'm going to block him. he panicked. i said it was best for everybody.
doing the right thing hurts. and love is so strong. eventhough he wronged me. but for the sake of my sanity i had to let him go. it's the hardest thing i've ever done in my whole life.

realisation

it's amazing how in just a matter 2 weeks my life has changed.after what i've been through, it feels more like a year. it makes me feel jaded.in one moment we can be happy, and then the next our life and hopes are destroyed by just one single information.

i found out that shahul is married with 2 kids.that hurts a lot, considering that he's living a lie for a year. considering i've invested a lot in this relationship. i still dont know why he does it. when my frens say "alaa men are like that". i dont accept that answer. there has to be a reason. but he has the nerve to deny it.dont know why he's so damn stubborn. he's a jerk i guess....an s.o.b. bcoz of him, i had a fight with a fren.i realise now that no man is worth arguing about.
i've been thinking about life a lot after that. i'm thankful that i have an understanding family (siblings who dont ask questions or offer unsolicited advice) when i dont feel like discussing.i'm thankful that i've a powerful brother which really makes me think of Foucault's theory of knowledge being a power. i'm also thankful that i have frens who really care. in times of adversity, these are the people who really give their shoulders for me to cry on. mozie was there when i received the confirmation. linda cried when she heard the story from mozie. nina who has been my good fren and advisor from the start. adi azhar cheered me up with his witty remarks.farah, who didnt tell me her plans to marry when she found out that my plan for a wedding was never going to be a reality. wan was there too, and we had a fun time in male bashing. abg lie is great as my sort of a brother (i guess) after what we've been through years ago.

i was in KL to escape and nurse my wound. so i went shopping with Gina (who again, as my closest niece, didnt ask or talk abt this until i mentioned it) and got myself hennaed on my hand...and then i bought 2 pcs of sarees (a reminiscent of a fictitious life that i thought i'd be living). i went to MPO chamber concert with fai, and had fun discussing the contemporary music pieces that we heard (such as, which piece made us sleep...or which piece was pleasant enough for our ears). i met wan who's matured for her age and reminds me a lot of nana. i met khairul, who is an idealist. i told him that ppl at his age tend to think that they can accomplish anything, including to conquer the everest. khairul is interesting though, not many young malay men are interested in philosophy and classical music. but he does, and i had an enjoyable time talking to him. yes, it s sweet when you think that at 24 you're full of energy and vibrance. like a rose in all it's glory. but then you will learn that despite your optimism, they will press you down, until you're beaten...

memories of him smiling at me are still in my mind, although this time i remember them as a complete sham.

yes, i've been pushed and beaten. i've loved, and been broken hearted by heartless creatures who call themselves men. mais c'est la vie....and life has to move on. i've to pick the pieces and rebuild myself and i'll emerge stronger.

teachers day

teachers day is here again. at school, it was a grand affair - the teachers had to walk the long walk with the students beating the kompang in front of us - until we were welcomed by dear students at the perdana square. there were the usual long boring speeches (which unfortunately, none of us listened to anyway), then there's the cake cutting ceremony, the release of the balloons and the pennant, some buah tangan fr the prefects and gifts from each class to its form teacher.

frankly, i've become cynical about the celebration. the students only know of this day as the day of no lessons. i wonder if they really know why they have to celebrate this day. it's like celebrating mother's day with a mother saying to the children "buy me some gifts because it's Mother's day and i'm your mother". that defeats the purpose, doesnt it? but then, children have to be taught to appreciate the very people who educate them. but all the same, how many of these students come to this realisation?

i dont really care for gifts, but i really value my students' well wishes, especially when i no longer teach them. the fact that they can still come and wish me tells me that they do appreciate me. today, some of the form 4 students did that although i no longer teach them. one of them who is now in TKC even called me from seremban just now. some from the drama team expressed their thanks, and one whom i taught literature in english as an extra spm subject called me up. it's this sincerity and genuine appreciation that matters

Triumph and Defeat

i got mail from UM the other day. it was not a letter, but a card... a congratulatory note from the dean of arts fac. so i 've passed :o). they misspelt my name though.

last week, my drama team went to compete in the state level competition. sad to say, we only managed to get the 2nd place. my students were very upset. i understand their frustration. i spent many hours with them, so i've come to know this bunch very well. it pained me to see them suffering - some girls cried, my best actor didnt walk up the stage to receive his trophy, and they refused to take lunch at the school which hosted the competition (and won). for me, it wasnt about winning the title. it's about being able to guide these teenagers, to laugh and cry with them.

These are the days

a few weeks ago, in an attempt to boost the morale of my budding thespians, i brought my photo album for them to peruse so that they may see the dramas that i was involved in when i was doing my tesl.

those pics reminded me so much of the younger carefree days. at that time the only problem i had was when i was broke. ah, i was so innocent then. i was so into RnB music at that time that i'd be with my walkman everytime we're free... i discovered david edding's wittiness in his books, and i had friends who manja me ... yeah i was the baby...

so when i saw the the pics, i wonder where did the happy go lucky girl go? the answer - she grew up, and faced the reality of life. sometimes i long for the uncomplicated old days...

Victory and Wedding Feast

i was in KL last weekend for yaya's wedding. a few days before i went, dr carol called to inform that i could submit the dissertation on friday. that meant that i've graduated.that means i'll walk up the stage to receive my scroll in august. Victoire!

we went to the akad nikah ceremony at masjid shah alam...the couple were in white...although personally, i prefer an off-white or cream ensemble...yaya and his wife...hmmm... the wife is very petite...while yaya is taller and bigger.the next day was bersanding at the girl's side.

after the bersanding, gina asha and i went to klcc...i splurged on books, as a way of celebrating my victory. i bought jamie oliver's and delia smith's books, and one gabriel garcia marquez's book, girl with a pearl earring and katherine... some may think that it's an odd way to celebrate...hey, it's a cool way to celebrate especially if u happen to be a literature graduate who likes cooking.

i came back on sunday morning feeling fatigued because of lack of sleep...thanx to my busmates who were mostly college students who could still sms at 1am...i really hate the sms sounds...and i really hate the tet tet sound of the keypad eventhough it's on silent mode. yes i was grumpy. had a long sunday as i had to monitor the drama team. the competition was today. and it paid off. we became the champion of kuala terengganu southern district english drama...and will be competing in the state level soon. at least my nagging paid off...

Drama,Drama,Drama

i'm in charge of the school's English drama this year, along with some other English teachers. the cast is a motley bunch of the veterans and the newbies. the script? too simple....

the other teachers cant comment much on the actors'/actresses' performances, but i was involved in a lot of English dramas...and being easily dissatisfied and that teacher's syndrome of being obsessive with correcting students, i tend to speak my mind. some of them are too stiff, as stiff as cardboard (i used to call 1 girl "the unbendable wooden plank" during my heyday as an actress in seri puteri's Shakespearean play, but then it's a different story), some think they know too much but they fail to see that they're still not perfect, some will be as goofy as ever despite their role as a gangster, some are just too emotional. all in all, i was very upset with their attitude that i just walked off from the school hall last week.

these students, i guess, didnt know the true meaning of being in a drama - and enjoying it. okay, granted, i hate the Shakespearean plays that i had to act when i was in Form 3 and 4, but i enjoyed the TESL dramas that i was involved in during those years in PPP. the most important thing is, we had fun. the tesl 4 had the talent for producing the most hilarious slapstick comedy, and i dare say that we're very talented and creative. i guess that's what made our dramas so memorable until i can still remember them even after more than 10 years. i can still remember blondie as the devil, with his supposedly evil laugh.... joe trying to find a good spot to die...pokcik and asmadi as the policemen trying to arrest the doctor from madras and then "rewinding" themselves in the process, the drama about Malay courting rituals, complete with the direct translation of the poems. try translating "2 3 kucing berlari". and then the drama about sultan melaka mangkat dijulang...with cromok as komeng with the habit of jerking his head to one side...

yes, it was our glorious days...i only wish those kids can learn from us so that they can become as happy and cheerful instead of becoming young grumpies.

trying not to sink

people in school saw me in gold kebaya with green leaf motis and green tudung, green handbag and green high heels. and yet nobody knows what i'm going through unless i tell them.

since last thursday i've been living my life like a zombie - i'm numb to all feelings, the surrounding... and worse, my migraine has come to visit and decided to dance the whole day (sometimes my migraine is like a rock concert - pounding on my head).

at night, after a visit to the loo, i lay awake, thinking about the dissertation...thinking about the literature essay i'm going to give to the students...and god, it's so warm that i've to switch on the aircond...and in the morning when i wake up i feel tired...

nash sent me some comments on my chapter 1. he's going to be a brilliant professor one day...but until then, i cant understand his comments...hmmm

to those of you who are familiar with my blog, you may notice that i'm slightly different today. this is the first time i really express what s going on in my head...
i'm trying not to sink in my anxiety. but it looks like i have.

These are the days

isnt it funny that when you're having a good time you dont notice how time flies? and when you're facing problems, you try to squeeze time to the last drop. if time can ever be like a lemon to be squeezed...

i'm into my 4th day of correcting my (at the moment, accursed) dissertation. my brain had been on holiday for half a year, so it received a shock...and so my blood pressure rose. at this time the only person who can help is my coursemate nash, who is our best student in class. the only one person that our lecturers offered a place at the prestigious english dept...to be with them.
well anyway, nash obliged my distress call and we met on saturday to discuss my dissertation. he didnt view my chapters then, but we talked about literature and his travels abroad when he had to present papers on literature. this was like the old days when we lunched after our classes. we didnt discuss other mundane stuff, we discussed issues in literature, about the works or authors that we had read. and no, contrary to other people's belief, it's not boring, simply because literature is my passion.

i felt calmer afterwards. because nash promised to help me by going through my chapter 1 hehehe.

The Return of the Nightmare

i've been postponing the final editing of my dissertation for sooo long now. after slaving myself reading academic books, especially the very dense Bhabha book, i just want to give my brain some rest and enjoy brain dead activities (not entirely dead la). i packed all the notes away, put all the rushdie's novels on the shelves, and instead of reading critical essays or journal articles, i now peruse and read recipe books. and obviously, honing my baking skills. after the sumptious tea yesterday, i thought, well, i should start editing the dissertation. i was given 6 months anyway. it's been 3 months now.

and lo, and behold....i called the dean's office and the girl in charge of the Literature MA students told me "you have to submit your bound dissertation first before the senate can meet and formally pass you". Arrrrrrrgghhhhhhhh!!!!! so i called Dr Carol, and told her what happened. seems like i've 2 weeks to complete the editing and courier it to her. she has 1 week to see my corrections, and i've 1 week to make final amendments and to go to UM in person and give the copies to be bound. *sigh*

i already pushed the heavy box filled with the notes back into my room. the bed is strewn with books and articles. Longman dictionary and literary terms and theory dictionary are beside me. there's the dreaded Bhabha book...."it is the emergence of the interstices-the overlap and displacement of domains of difference - that the intersubjective and collective experiences of nationaness, community interest, or cultural value are negotiated." bla bla bla...

oh no!!

Poems

i used to write poems. but eversince i started on my dissertation i stopped. to be able to write good poems, you do not only have to have the flair, but also a good knowledge of a wide range of poetry. that was what my undergrad academic exercise supervisor, mr hazidi, told me when he assessed my too-idealistic poems "you have to read MORE poems" and added "write when you're angry or sad or happy". well.... i took his advice. when i was in the final sem of doing my MA coursework, i took Stylistics (in other words, linguistics application in literature). much as i abhor the dryness of linguistics, i must admit that with the linguistics background i was able to criticise and analyse the poems better - that also means i know essentially what makes a good poem.

this morning, as i was about to write down the menu for the small tea party i'll be holding for my students tomorrow, i came across my book of poetry - written when i was experimenting with skills that i learnt in my classes. here i present to you the poems, but please do not plagiarise the works.

Ode to Batu Buruk Beach
At the sandy beach I stand,
Paying homage to an old friend,
Homeground.
My turf.
Palm leaves swaying to the roaring ocean,
Children playing colourful kites,
Murky waves unleash their fury,
They have seen much.
They know much.
The taste of nostalgia is deafening.
In my mother’s childhood days,
The puja pantai was celebrated.
Offerings made to the spirits of the sea,
Pagan dances under the moonlight.
The winds of the South China Sea greet me,
Two old friends are we.
In such powerful embrace,
I bask in the land’s love.
I’m a girl once more, of years ago.
I had abandoned you, I know.
But I’m here now, my friend.
The salty air is in my blood,
the sand, the sea, the palm trees…
The Land of the Seven Princesses is part of me.
Arms wide open I surrender.
I’m free! I’m free!
I’m the kite that soars high
I never lose ground
For you hold me firm and never let me stray.
Sounds of azan come with dusk.
I walk away with lighter steps.
I may fly again,
But I will always return.
Homeground.
My turf.

Music Box
While spring cleaning
I come across a memory.
The music box lies on the table
Dusty, forgotten.
I blow away the thin mist
and open the teak box.
Inside a lady and a man dance,
And soft melody plays;
Evoking memories of yesteryears
Of that particular time
Of that particular moment.
A time of happiness and hopes
To be dashed so soon.
It was just a fantasy.
It was a mistake.
The sweet serenade finally slows to a halt.
A salty saline drops on the two figurines.
I take a deep breath,
Slowly exhaling the old bittersweet story.
“Life must go on”
So I put back our love in the music box,
And let it dust away.

Faith

in life, we have to gamble and take risks in order to advance to the next level in our life. be it education, friendship, relationship, business deals, career wise, we sometimes cannot play it safe. why? because nothing is permanent (except for God). no house is big enough, no marriage is happy enough, no love is strong enough.

when i did my MA, some people thought that i was crazy - since in the 1st semester i had to travel to KL every single weekend to attend classes. teaching was one thing, then i had to write assignments and long essays! i didnt know how much i could endure, but alhamdulillah, despite the fatigue, my goal was clear and i was determined. then my sabbatical leave was approved, and everything was ok. the 2nd hurdle occured when i had to write my dissertation, which i think was the most difficult and challenging phase of all. i remember the time when i broke down after wiping out my 28 pages of a working chapter, the pressure was just too much. but i realised that i wasnt alone i received moral support from my coursemates. i learnt about myself, about how different people are. in the end, it all comes down to faith.

those who were, and are in relationships will agree that to be in one takes a lot of courage, and the longer you are in it, the greater your understanding of a person is, the more tolerant you are.
falling in love is the most exciting phase, the world seems to be smiling to you, and nothing can go wrong.
to love, however, is different. to love is to accept the other person's flaws, and to embrace his/her positive traits - and above all, despite all the ups and downs, to have faith in the relationship, and also to enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

"Stickwitu"
I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)
Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higherI must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.
I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me (one for me)
And I say
And now
Ain't nothing else I can need (nothing else I can need)
And nowI'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you (baby, I'm with you)
Baby, you're with me (Baby, you're with me)
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know meAnd that's all that counts.
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

Contemplation

Islam encourages us to work hard as if there's no tomorrow, and to do deeds as if the end is near. islam also teaches us to be moderate, and to be humble.

it's easier said than done, but however hard it may seem, if we truly believe in the teaching, we will strive to do better.

sometimes success makes one forgets of one's humble beginning. some people just want to wipe out their early chapters of life, and choose to bask in the glory of their greatness.
someone i'm working with seems to have lost touch with his early chapters of life. his arrogance and words hurt a lot of people's feelings. which makes his subordinates feel dissatisfied with his decisions (voiced in arrogant manner). may be he forgot that he's just a human being and not an immortal.

i remember the VC of UKM when i was a student then. he's the most humble person i know - personally checking whether the light bulbs were working or not during Pesta Konvo, parking his car at the big parking lot instead of having a driver driving up his car to the big porch of DECTAR after the convocation ceremony (his subordinates all had their drivers drove up to the porch). i once went to the chancellory...and saw him walking up to his PROs and said "boleh mintak tolong tak?" in the friendliest tone. this is the kind of a boss everyone wants.

yes, it's easy to become too pleased with one's achievements no matter how small or insignifcant they are. but remember that by being arrogant, you're just pushing people away from you, and in the end you will not have a person who genuinely likes and respects you. it is by being humble that one gains friends, respect and admiration.

Post-Bekwah

well i'm back in kt, back to the daily routines.

the reception was a success. as i had said b4 in the previous entry, i was the bunga telur lady. and there i was, sweating profusely under the canopies, carrying a basket full of lilac bunga telurs. even the presence of ceiling fans didnt help. and i had another problem as well. my tailor already warned me that bcoz of the delicate lace on my kebaya, i had to be careful. the rattan basket i was holding already wreaked havoc with my delicate lace, so there were tiny wisps of threads everywhere.

i met my old seri puteri hm (whose hubby worked in the same ministry as kak sham), and being a good seri puterian (hehehe) i went up to her and salamed her. she inquired where i m teaching...yadda yadda...and told me to better myself yadda yadda...

the highlight of the day - when apit called ayi to sing. my god...that was an experience. hehehe i'll say no more. and then my brothers in law abg najib and abg zainal started singing as well!!

then the guests went home, and we watched ayi and rafi open their wedding gifts. abg mi was teasing asha (thank god he didnt tease me anymore. it's a horrifying experience), and suddenly kak sham gave a very shocking statement...which made me squirm in my seat (and wished that there was a hole in which i could sink into). and suddenly i was in hot seat, as all eyes were on me, and abg mi started asking me questions. which i couldnt answer to. 7 years ago i would have loved to be in this situation, would have loved for abg mi to ask me that direct question. but things changed. i've matured.

ayi asked "how come i didnt know anything?". i told him "you were oblivious to everything".

Bekwah

for those who dont have the slightest inkling of what bekwah is, it's the terengganu dialect for having a feast, or in today's world, it'll be known as holding a reception. it's our turn to hold the wedding reception for ayi.

so yesterday, when i arrived in kelana jaya, the work began. the eggs were boiled, n then there's the job of putting the eggs into the bunga telur. the canopies were set up, white and purple (purple is the theme colour). family members dropped by to help as well, kak dah and nana, kak ah and janna, abang, dian and their son idlan who provided entertainment.this morning, we helped to dress the chairs, the florist decorated the arch with fresh white gerberas and purple mums and we're just waiting for the caterers to come. yours truly is the egg distributor *sigh*. more news to come.

Post Val

i mentioned b4 that i'm a sucker for romance...a romantic at heart. always thot i'd find another kindred spirit (read that to mean a romantic freak). well, that's only a wish.

consider, for instance, my conversation with shaggy bear on valentine's day

nora: are you going out tonite?
shaggy: yeah, i'm going out for drinks with frens. why?
nora:there's a romantic movie on astro. i want u to watch it. (note to readers:the movie mentioned was a walk in the clouds - my fav, acted by my fav actor keanu reeves. gorgeous, darling .... gorgeous)
shaggy: (making unpronounceable noises, therefore unprintable) you know how i feel about romantic movies.
nora: so you dont want to watch a romantic movie with me?
shaggy: if you want to watch one, i'll buy you a ticket, then i'll fetch you when you're done.

yes. an ultra romantic with an ultra practical. my fren sarina told me that she understands what i'm going through. in fact, all women do. this is exactly why the author of Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, made a lot of money. men dont understand the need to be romantic (except during the early days of courtship n you know what).

we, however, have been fed with all the romance, thanks to film industry, fairy tales and thrashy romance novels. the idea of a knight in shining armour (or may be a handsome rich man in BMW) who will rescue his damsel in distress...yadda yadda yadda... so we have dashing rhett butler rescuing scarlet o'hara... ralph macchio doing his karate to rescue his japanese girlfriend in the karate kid, mark darcy who falls for bridget jones...

and then there's the romances by julie garwood and judith mcnaught (i only read the latter's novels) and also the late dame barbara cartland, who always wrote about dashing handsome rich men rescuing destitute beautiful girls. i used to love reading her all-too romantic novels. anyway the late Dame and i have something in common - we both love pink.

and fairy tales. sleeping beauty (waiting for a handsome prince to kiss her. nowadays it'll be a long deep slumber...and a long wait for the kiss). and snow white (in today's world, she would have died of poison first), cinderella (the prince charming might end up with some other girls who dont have pretty dainty feet that can fit the glass slippers, but someone with big boobs).
i suppose i should train shaggy to give me roses (which is highly unlikely) or chocolates (doubtful as well). or may be i should not overromanticise things.*sigh*. but then, i guess that's why i'm an ultra romantic and he's an ultra practical. life will be dull without the other. what's tom cruise's famous lines? "you complete me".

Love Is comic

i'm a sucker for romance. eversince i was a little girl i dreamed of being swept off my feet by a dashing man who would give me roses n shower me with all the attention. hmmm....

almost 10 years ago, there was a cartoon strip featured in NST. it only occupied a tiny space, n it's called love is comic, bcoz everyday they'd feature 2 cartoon characters - a boy n a girl, in love, n the cartoonist would give a wise adage abt love. for example, "love is... meeting your match". at that time, i would cut this cute cartoon strip everytime i bought NST.

last nite, as i was writing the blog, i was reminded of this cartoon strip, n after rummaging thru' my drawers, i found my collection of the cartoon strips. i wanted to send some to shaggy bear. i wondered if they had it on the net...n i found it! so for those of u who would like to feel that warm feeling when u view the comic, pls visit this url http://www.comicspage.com/comicspage/main.jsp?file=20050922cplis-a-p.jpg&refresh_content=1&component_id=3&custid=69&catid=1450&dir=%2Floveis

Ayi's Wedding

it was a happy family occasion last friday nite n saturday afternoon. the room downstairs (which used to be gina's) was converted into the bridal chamber, n the hantarans were all in purple. ayi was getting married. n yet he was still attached to pc n japanese animae. ayi as a married man? hmmmmm.

he felt the wedding jitters as we searched a white rose for his suit lapel. "i'm getting married! i'm scared!" he was yelling in the car to gina n i, n at the same time making unpronounceable noises. that nite, ayi looked different in his akad nikah baju melayu.... his face? like someone abt to stand in trial in court. my eldest nephew abang n my fav bro abg mi were teasing him all the way. at 9, we the tray bearers bore the heavy tembaga trays (including me) n the family made way to rafi's house which is less than 5 mins drive.

on the akad nikah carpet, ayi looked very tense, i've never seen him like that b4 . i was trying to snap some pics of him reciting the akad to kadi, but this idiotic photographer was blocking the view n practically hovered over ayi. anyway, ayi had to only recite only once, n it was considered as valid.

the bersanding was held the next day. we were greeted by the beatings of kompang, n bcoz of this we had to walk at a stately pace (which i hate). the theme colour was green...so we had the newlyweds in green, green dais, green bunga telur, green table skirts.... there's tepung tawar ceremony, n urs truly was also invited to honour the newlyweds with the sprinkling of air mawar n the potpourri.

then it was feast time. we were having fun eating as we kept asking apit to get us dishes at the main table, so we got the prawns n the fish n the quail's eggs n the fruit salad n the jelly.... the only thing that spoiled my appetite was the sound of dangdut songs.....*sigh* y cant they play anuar zain's ballads?

as i'm writing this, ayi n rafi r on their honeymoon... will see them again this saturday for the menyambut menantu.... this time our family will be in lilac ensemble.

10 things about teachers

some frens told me that i look like a teacher. geez, is the word "teacher" stamped on my forehead? y dont i look like a model? (haha that's a laugh). anyway, i was thinking abt this entry when i was in the staffroom, actually, everytime when i'm sitting down writing my lesson plans n not inspiring the students with inspirational talk (nagging).

anyway, this is an attribute to all the teachers, eventhough teachers' day is 3 months away.

You're a teacher when...

1. giving orders are like second nature to you, since you're used to bossing the students around.

2. you feel the impulsive need to correct a mistake.

3. you have ink marks (esp. red ink) on your favourite kebayas and handbags.

4.you become simultaneously the parent, the sister/brother, the teacher, the counsellor, the motivator, the clerk, the driver, the ceti... and still the ministry is thinking of instructing the teachers to do in school assessment for the public examinations...what have we been doing, partying?

5. you dont believe that they are just looking innocently at the student's paper next to them during exam...

6. you have to mark exam papers even outside school hours, most of the time during the holidays, and without extra pay. no OT is allowed.

7. you have to sit for some @$#@%$^% exams to be promoted (and you begin to wonder why they gave you scholarship to do masters if you're going to be stuck at the same grade until you pass the exam)

8. you memorise all the dates for school hols and major hols to escape from the mayhem.

9.the students still call you teacher or cikgu even when they've left school.

10. the only reward you want from your students is for them to pass the exams with flying colours

A Productive Day

i think eversince i studied abt how a national identity is created, i began to have this conscious thought abt our own national identity, n how to actually practise this spirit of togetherness, which is the central of our national identity - to unify the 3 major races. most ppl take it for granted, that just bcoz we live in a multi-racial country, we're tolerant ppl. not really. we have to actively involve ourselves in the process of enunciating the culture of togetherness (sorry, i'm talking literature stuff again, stuff that i write in my dissertation).

well anyway, wat i'm trying to say is that since this is CNY, we should do our bit in being true malaysians n celebrate the other celebrations with our frens. i went to some open houses yesterday n today. i went to my former literature student's house yesterday, which is near to my house. wat is interesting is that her father is an indian while her mother is a chinese, n therefore my student has the best of both cultures. i had a nice time talking to her parents, n seeing the former students congregating at the house. her mother n i hit if off so well that i stayed for 2 n a half hours, talking everything from recipes to her son's exchange programme to italy.

today i made 2 visits. one to a teacher who just returned fr performing haj, n who is close to me in school. we talked abt her experience n wat has been going on in school while she's gone. the other teacher is ah chooi, my partner in the staffroom. when i arrived at ah chooi's apartment, i met 2 other spm examiners who r in my team, n another SS teacher arrived.
so to sum it all, i ate a lot.

n right after coming back fr ah chooi's house, i started to walk in the house. then kak dah started asking wat would we want to have for tea. suddenly i had this idea of making either scones or muffins, but nana preferred scones, probably she remembered the one we had in the cafe of the cattle farm in australia. so i made some apple cinnamon scones, with syahirah trying to help, n kak dah making cucur bawang. as we're cooking, my 2 nephews, helmi n joe came. langkah kaki kanan, i told them. so it was a sumptious spread of tea, a mixture of eastern n western dishes - japanese cheesecake, scones with butter n jams, strawberries, cucur bawang, keropok lekor goreng n hot tea n cold lemonade.

yes i felt guilty. i didnt eat a lot tho'. so to make me feel better, i thot of washing n waxing my car, which i hadnt done in almost 2 years. so there i was, in my long caftan, trying to sponge the roof of my car (n barely made it). at the same time fluffy went missing again, n like kak dah said that's y we have a peribahasa alim2 kucing.

finally, i finished waxing n vacuuming, n caught fluffy. had a productive day today. but still havent finished marking the TOV papers

'Tis the season for tying knots

the whole family has been talking abt nothing else but ayi's wedding which is going to be held on the 2nd weekend of Feb. everyone has been told to wear something lilac, n my lilac ensemble should be ready on the 8th. i'm one of the tray bearers, which is reserved for the anak dara only... just now kak sham called, she sounded distressed, since ayi has been transferred to kemaman clinic n did i know anything abt it? eh? he comes back home...he leaves for work... that's all. he didnt tell me anything.

n while all this happened, i received an sms fr the eldest sis in law last nite - surprise of all surprise, yaya, the quiet n laid back yaya, is getting engaged to a dietitian he met during the courses...hmm this is really a shocker...they're going to meminang n at the same time for bertunang at the girl's aunt's house in shah alam... kak mah asked the siblings to join the entourage...which kak sham n abg mi responded positively.

well let's hope there'll be another news, which i think will also shock the whole family. i'll say no more.

Another Chapter... n Passion in Life

today we had cross-country race at school. i was one of the pencatat masa (the task given from day 1 i'm in SS until the day i m transferred... like all SS teachers wrily put it, to quote SS's song, "tradisi kekal abadi"). some students, esp. the athletes, who r mostly the big boys in form 5, were still strong after the 5km run... some just collapsed at the lanes provided. most decided to do some sight seeing, and arrived much much later. we the teachers had jamuan (the first for 2006, to be followed by another jamuan on 1st Feb in my staffroom) of nasi minyak n sate, n i told myself i have to walk for at least 1 hour today...

sazi's email (sazi, i dont know if i can reveal ur new show, so to be on the safe side, i'm not going to reveal anything) made me think of my late eldest bro, of everything he presented, n the life he led. this again, makes me think of wat life means to each of us.

life is short n precious, we heard this often enough, but do we know wat it really entails? we go thru life like zombies, waking up, going to work, beat the rush hour, eat, coming back fr work, rush hour again, spending a few hours with loved ones, then sleep. n we go thru this again n again...until we ask ourselves "is this all there is to life???".

Life is how we make it. it is we who shape our lives. that means we have the power to choose to be who we r. to be the best that we can be, to be a human with good conscience n a good heart - which is the very basis of our National Education Philosophy (hey, give me a break, i'm a teacher after all).

My eldest brother was the product of Malaysian Dream, of a newly-independent nation struggling to find its own niche n identity, still in its infancy. he was the proof that we could achieve greatness. he was born during Japanese Occupation n spent his infant years during the British bombing n was already in MCKK when Tunku Abdul Rahman uttered the famous cry. my late father was very very young when he had my brother, still in his teens. he was a man with visions, he knew that my late brother could succeed, n so he tutored my brother mathematics at home after work, often with a cane in hand. at 10 years old, my brother sat for a special exam that would enable him to enter MCKK, n he passed. thus, the boy who would later change a lot of doctors' lives went to malaysia's oldest n prestigious boarding school.
my brother loved to read. even when he became the senior physician, he still read medical journals, n kept abreast with the latest medical breakthroughs. this scholarly habit of his helped him through his studies n career.

after becoming a medical specialist, he lectured at UKM, n one of his students now is a successful n rich doctor here in KTrg. as a lecturer, he's torn between upholding the high standard of medicine in tertiary level n passing the students. his insistence in maintaining the highest standard could be seen throughout his career. he then moved to Klang hospital... n later to Kelantan, where he was affectionately known to all doctors n nurses alike as "Bos Aziz". when i asked my nephew yaya y is it that my late bro never turned to private sectors where he could become very rich, yaya answered that my brother felt it's his duty to stay in government hospital to educate the young doctors on wat he knows.

my late brother, datuk dr sidek@ abdul aziz b muhammad, was laid to rest on 30th april 2000. he died in his office after a heart failure, with his close medical attendant beside him, who later met me during the funeral n said "he's a good man".

my brother lived his life according to wat he believed in. he could have chosen fame n glory, but he chose the less glamourous life, to render his service to the society.

initially, i said that life is abt making choices. some may choose to have a life of luxury, some strive to have such a life, but to wat ends? it's not fulfilling just to have all those BMWs n Mercedes or that penthouse...wat will be more satisfying is when u've done something out of your own good heart, for the benefit of the mankind, without dreaming of fortune, fame n glory. wat is important is that inner peace inside u. that is wat u called a rich n meaningful life.

Politics n Food of Love

sazi smsed me asking me to update my blog. so here i am, past my bedtime, having just read tria's n my niece gina's blog.it's been a crappy couple of days for me. on sunday, i was publicly humiliated by my hm in the staffroom for something i didnt do (which, he found out minutes later that it wasnt MY fault, n still, he never bothered to apologise to me). yesterday, i asked my pen kanan to sign a time-out slip that will enable me to bring Mother to the hospital for her eye check up. the pen. kanan, who is more humane, told me to take the day off. the bad news? i had to get the hm's signature. n in the torture chamber, i was asked y is it that i cant just leave Mother at the hospital n just fetch her when she's done? is he crazy??? leaving my half-paralysed mother at the hospital with a maid who can be clueless at times? anyway, in the end i got the hm 's signature. but i knew that his favourites could get away easily (literally speaking). funny, isnt it? when men dont use their brains to decide.i was fuming when i returned, n called shaggy bear straight away. his sympathetic words just made me sebak, but i held on to my tears.

in a few minutes time, it'll be shaggy bear's birthday, n i had baked him a chocolate cake, which he had requested. as i thought of wat to write in his birthday card, i reflected on all the things that we've been thru - he's been my backbone, my rock, my pillar. yes, there r times when he drives me crazy, (n vice versa...he says i'm a strong character hehe) but most of the time (except when he's in his soccer mood), he is there for me.

so this is love.

welcome to the real world of couplehood

everybody always dreams of meeting that Prince Charming, n envies when someone they know meets hers. n when they finally meet that someone, the fun begins. this is the Cloud 9 stage, when he'll call u non-stop n sweep u off ur feet. which woman doesnt enjoy the attention? at this stage too, he's not the only one who's dashing n debonair... u urself will take great pains to be the perfect u, bcoz, let's face it.... when it comes to courtship, u want to market urself like u're the best product available in the market. ever wonder y the peacock opens its beautiful feathers n struts? we the homosapiens r the same.flaunt, n flaunt away....

then when the 2 of u become an item, things begin to settle down. both of u will still be on ur guard, but u'll lessen ur grip, n therefore r a bit relaxed. when more months pass by, both of u begin to see the true colours - the ugly bits n pieces in all of us. this is also when the men just end the chase, n...that's it! the prize is won, the chase is no more. truth comes crashing: welcome to the reality.

it's the same with me n my shaggy bear. we share certain goals n values. but we also have our differences. i've always been a hopeless romantic, n he is a practical man. so practical that sometimes i dont know whether to laugh or cry.n that's when learning to compromise becomes a skill that one must master. bcoz it takes 2 to tango, a relationship is a dance with 2 ppl learning to compromise to create a beautiful dance.

Teary Eyed

on the eve of raya haji, one of my favourite n closest students called me up to say that she received an offer to study in TKC. i'm very happy for her. she's a bubbly girl with an interesting personality. she belongs in a boarding school. a lot of other students in my best class received offers, 1 boy got MCKK. later, thinking that i'm going to miss this noisy bunch, tears began to well up in my eyes. now i understand y my mother cried when i was away in SSP. i've grown to be very attached to them, these bright students, who made my day whenever i entered the class.they're like my children...my sunshines.

The Return of the Teacher

it's new year again.which means, a whole new year at school with new sets of responsibilities, n new sets of students to teach. wish i had more time to rest, after 3 weeks of solid marking n answering ptk exam (which i didnt study for).

my ex students, now considered as the seniors as they entered form 4, r cheerful n keep calling my name whenever they see me near...some of them even said they want to return to form 3.hmmm...

i'm given a heavy burden this year - the school admin gave me 5 classes of form 3 to teach - which means more marking, more work, more migraines... surprisingly, they still gave me the best class to teach, tho' the students r quieter than their predecessors who were a lively bunch of smart kids. so far the students r ok, tho' this is just the beginning of the year, n students r always on their best behaviour the 1st few weeks n later will show their "stripes" (direct translation).

hopefully i can be a better teacher this year. a good teacher inspires, n that's wat i intend to do.

A New Year, A New Perspective

i spent the last few minutes of 2005 with shaggy bear on the phone, n it was a far cry than last year's new year. he later went off to watch his beloved soccer team play. men!
2006. i never even made any new year resolutions. i think resolutions r overrated really. i hate ppl asking others that...as if there's nothing else to ask when the new year is approaching.
if there's one aspect i wish to improve myself in, it's my heart n soul. last week i had a chat with As, my specialist fren. we hadnt talked in months, but we have something in common (which i cant mention yet). she said she's tired of the rat race, earning money just to maintain the roof for shelter n to make sure there's food in her belly. she told me of how our fren, anne, who's a chemical engineer, met them (the seri puteri girls) in sempoi clothes, not bothering abt her unmade face hence not conforming to the patriarchal society's unwritten rules abt women . but anne looked serene. her secret? she doesnt let the problems bother her.

wat good will it do us if we live in a mansion n drive a mercedes if we dont feel at peace? wat good will it do us if we have to go that extra mile just to maintain the lifestyle? y keep a lifestyle we cant afford?

y do we fight n find faults with others? y do we judge ppl when we're not perfect ourselves? n if we know that we're not perfect, y do we punish n label that person? n y do we spread our dissatisfaction of the person to other ppl? for all u know, that person isnt even aware that he makes a mistake. for all u know, ppl end up not only having a bad perception of the person u just !@#$% abt, they also will judge u. this, i talk fr experience. somebody close to me (not shaggy bear of course) has misjudged me for some crime i didnt know i commit n punished me by not speaking to me. may be she forgot our relationship, n who's supposed to respect who. watever wrong i did, i'm sorry. if it's abt money, i tried to rectify it, but may be she didnt see it. n although i can feel the unwelcome air, i still come to her house, hoping that somehow bcoz of the ties that bind us, everything will be as right as snow again. n each time, despite my optimism, i can still read the silent language.

as my fren told me, u cant please everybody. yes, that's true. wat u think is the best might not be so to another person. u have to learn to respect other person's choices (tho in 2005 i was very outspoken on religious issues, n i will continue to do so...sorry, no compromise on that) that u cant be too proud until u lose friendship or the admiration of a closed person. bcoz we live in a society, n there will come a time when we need help from the others."no man is an island" so says John Donne.

the best way to live a happy, simple life... is to forgive n forget. but in order to do so, we must remind ourselves that we r not judges to determine whether the other person is guilty or innocent, that that person is just a human, just as we r humans who're not perfect. after all, anger n pride aside, there's no one but us....